MrsDan

Received this message: " Time to join the revolution beautiful, black men are taking over, first we took sports, then music, now white women. its working too, now days surveys say white girls in highschool prefer black men, and almost all white women who cheat cheat with black men" I don't know who I'm more offended for, black men, black women, white women or white women. Actually, I think I'm just offended for all of humanity. Also, I'm looooong out of high school. So I'm not sure how that statistic is relevant.

Today I am so angry at Dan. I don't know why today, I'm just so angry. I'm so sick of having to do every fucking thing myself. Of having to constantly ask for favors, and see the look on people's faces when they really don't want to oblige. I'm angry at feeling so sad all the time. I'm angry that I have no time to myself. Angry that DD doesn't need anyone as much as she needs me. Today I don't care that it was a disease. I'm sick of feeling guilty that he died. Sick of hating life. Sick of people who bail, who don't do what they say they are going to do. Sick of no one following up with me, of being the one who always has to chase people down to get things done. I just had to get this out because I have been so angry all day and as a result I've been a royal fucking bitch to my daughter all day. I'm angry at him for making me a terrible mother, of robbing me of being the mother I should have been.

No, they wouldn't do it in person, and the fact that they have to know that people aren't actually going to respond in the affirmative makes me think of it more of an emotional assault, a virtual slap in the face. Just got one: "Would love to kiss those lips." Ugh, gross. Like that's it. No, hi, how are you? No attempt to disguise the fact that now I'm just whack off material to some guys out there.

Well, I met with him. Not quite what I expected, but very, very sweet. Like really really sweet. Maybe I'm an idiot, but it seems genuine. And while his demeanor isn't the type I'm normally attracted to, I find his profession totally hot . So we'll see. Quite frankly, I could use sweetness at this point in my life. But this is a vent post, so I'll add that I got the nastiest post from is other guy about all the things he would do to me. Classy.

I think people have different perceptions about the rules or protocol, but I really think it comes down to personal preference. I have a friend who prefers to meet right away - she wants to know if there's any spark before going any further. I've found that I prefer to message for a bit first. The first two guys I met, that's what I did, and although there wasn't really any attraction with the second, I enjoyed our online conversations, and I felt like we had already started the conversations that we were able to build on when we did meet. Last night I tried something different, I met with a guy I didn't have much interaction with online, just a few messages. So it felt like we really didn't know each other at all, which made things awkward. We really ended up just talking about our jobs and our kids but I didn't really feel a connection beyond that. For me, there's a practical side to it too - I have to arrange childcare every time I meet someone. So I want to know that there's a stronger possibility of a connection before I give up time with my child. Two weeks seems perfectly acceptable, I guess it also depends on the frequency. The first guy, we messaged about a week, but it was every day, then several messages in one evening. The second guy, we messaged almost every day for well over a month and we were both very chatty, but if I'm being perfectly honest I was really trying to see where things went with the other guy. I'm supposed to meet with another guy this week. We've messaged for about a month, but not that often, and the first few weeks weren't particularly substantive. Only after we had a more extensive exchange last week did I feel like this was someone I really wanted to meet. I agreed to meet another guy, but I'm sort of regretting it because we haven't messaged all that much, and my experience yesterday made me realize that in addition to the practical side, I'd really prefer to message a bit first for other reasons.

I took DD to my BIL's and he and I took her and his son trick or treating. She spent the night so I could have dinner with a guy from OKcupid with whom there was absolutely no spark, although BIL didn't know that's where I was going so I feel guilty. But the babysitter didn't show so that's what I did. Now I am home watching Copper on Netflix with my dogs. Might as well look at hot guys with Irish accents. Other guy from Okcupid, who I would have rather met tonight texted earlier about us meeting next week and asked if I had any big Halloween plans. Uh, yeah not sure how to spin this exciting evening. Today is my birthday. One sister called. SIL sent an edible arrangement, MIL sent me a Garmin. My mother did not call. My other brother and sister did not call, although I haven't spoken to either of them in over a year so.... And neither of them nor my mother called n the anniversary of his death three weeks ago or his birthday last week so.... I also got my haircut. I have not cut it since well before he died. I did not want to shed that which he had touched. I teared up. Three years of hair entangled with pregnancy, death, grief, trauma. Gone. 11 inches; she said she could donate it. That should make me feel good, but I don't want anyone else touching it; I'd kept it because he had. Halloween sucks.

I just got the dickiest message:"I know I messaged you a few times, your not interested just say so​". Fuck you dude, I don't owe you anything. Did you message? I don't remember, which means we were a pretty low match, or your message wasn't memorable. Also, the fact that I didn't respond IS me saying so. Then I got this gem: "Going by your profile, I deserve you more than you can ever imagine..." oh, okay I'll just take your word for it. Now, I did get a nice message from a guy saying he wanted to reply to my thoughtful message, but he's pretty busy and doesn't have time for much meaningful correspondence. So I wrote back, telling him that was the nicest thanks but no thanks I've ever gotten. And it was. I probably wouldn't have bothered. In other news, aforementioned guy and I are trying to get together for coffee. I actually suspect he is probably not wired for social media communication, but think he's worth the chance in the real world. I kept going back to his profile and thinking, I don't know I just think there's more to this guy than his messages indicate and once I got him talking, he was as interesting as I suspected. But I can't really fault him, it's such a weird place to communicate, and there are so many conflicting opinions on how to successfully navigate it. Wait this long, say this or that. All these "rules" about what you're supposed to do.

Well, he did respond, so I asked him for coffee. We'll see....

Oh get this I did get him talking. We messaged for awhile, then he asked about my weekend, then didn't read it and hasn't logged back on. I answered his bland messages for two weeks, because I kept thinking, there has to be more to this guy, there was, and then poof! I should work for witness protection. I sure am good at making guys disappear.

I let my daughter have Doritos at lunch solely because I wanted Doritos myself.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck my job fuck this shit hole house that I paid way too much for fuck my car fuck this whole fucking state fuck me fuck ME for being a terrible mother and wife, fuck me for ever trusting anyone fuck this whole fucking ride called life that I've never been any good at I want off. I want off now.

Here's one. People who message, there's some back and forth, but they do nothing to advance the conversation. I'll ask questions, or make a comment, but they don't ask any questions. And I would think, okay, they're just not interested, but they keep responding. And then it feels like I'm doing all the work. Only two guys were really good at it, one the guy I liked who disappeared and the other I'm still texting and like personally but just don't feel an attraction to. One guy seems reason interesting on paper, and he messages me every couple days and asks how I'm doing but offers nothing by way of sharing interesting things about himself. And I've given him opportunities. It's completely boring. But I'm still talking to him because he keeps reaching out to me. How am I doing? Shit, that's how I'm doing! But I'm not going to share that with you because despite my attempts, we're not really getting to know each other are we? And I don't get the vibe that he's just some jerk stringing me along, I think he's probably very sweet but just not very good at this. But dude, give me something to work with!

Have you checked out Soberrecovery.com? there's a lot of information there, although I haven't vetted it too deeply; it's just too painful. But I know they have a section, and forum, for family and friends of addicts. Might be worth looking into. The problem I have with AA, and all of its offshoots, including Al-Anon, is that they really posit a one size fits all solution. Addiction is a complex disease, and what works for some may not work for everybody. Are there some cases where the only person that can help the addicts are the addicts themselves? Absolutely. But I don't believe that's the case with all addicts. I do not believe that was the case with Dan, which is why I harbor so much regret. I've heard the stories of hundreds of people who lost addicts. About half of them did the tough love, it's on them to choose recovery route. The other half tried everything they could to offer support and are often labeled enablers. Almost every one of them from both groups regrets their choice. Not because their choice was wrong, but because of the outcome. In many of those cases the result would likely have been the same. But the reality is, loved ones of addicts face battling a very complex disease with no easy answers, all while being bombarded with often conflicting and inaccurate information. My point is that if I had it to do over again, I would gather as much information about all the different theories of treatment and causes of addiction. AA was the worst possible thing for Dan. To expect him to accept being powerless against alcohol when feelings of powerlessness were at the root of why he drank made no sense and I think the promulgation of the AA is the only answer myth played no small role in what happened. Much like widowhood, loving an addict is something that no one can understand unless they've experienced. No one. So I really urge you to find a forum, much like this one where you can get support from those who get it. You might not find the answer to his problem, because his is unique, but it may help you cope with this monster. I'm sorry. No one should have to face this with their spouse or their child.

Well, he completely disapeared. A complete 180. So apparently my instincts were right. Except when they weren't, because man, I was blindsided. No, not doing this again. Time to go back to my little world where I function only to take care of crisis after crisis until DD is all grown up. Time to go back to trusting no one again.

A couple things he said, plus just a vibe. This is exactly why I didn't want to do this.

So, pretty sure he's not interested. Not sure what happened, but it sucks.

And it still sucks.

I never thought being with someone else was something I'd ever consider. And it wasn't, for a very long time. Then, I don't know, there was a shift where I just couldn't sustain the abject misery anymore. I developed a couple crushes, so I went online, just to see what available people were out there. So I've been talking to and hanging out with someone I met there. I would think I would feel guilty, but I don't, at least not to any measurable degree. I think it's because I know, better than anyone else how I've suffered, how I continue to suffer. No one can truly understand the depths of horror I've traversed. I know. I know my own pain, and what it says about my love for my husband, and nothing could ever negate that. I think the shift I underwent happens at different times for different people. In my early widow days, I judged people who underwent it early on, but I see it very differently now. This is agony, and if you see a way to make it a little less agonizing, you take it. I can't comment on whether it's running from grief. I have grieved Dan hard for three long years, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. But I also don't think unmitigated grief without any fun or respite is sustainable, especially when you're trying to function as a good parent.

Well, I went. More great conversation, and the show was great too.

Literally lol'd on that one Me too, and maaaaan I needed one today .

I have plans to go to a show with the guy I've been seeing (?) talking to (?) tomorrow night. Now I'm sick. Which means in all likelihood DD will get sick. I can handle going sick. But sick kids want their moms, so if she does get sick I should cancel. I'm not going to cancel. I'm going to call the friend I arranged to watch her and beg her to watch her even if she is sick. I already canceled last week on the guy because K was sick, and he bought the tickets. I never have anything to look forward to ever, and I am looking forward to this. The sadiversary is next week and I am completely overwhelmed with this move. I have not gone out in four years. I don't think I've ever had someone watch DD at night so I could do something truly for myself, and I am not counting the times I had someone watch her so I could go to a grief group. I have bought a house and moved twice to try to make a better life for her. I have taken a job that I hate and where I am constantly shit upon because I thought it would allow me to make a better life for her. I have stayed on the cross for Dan for three years because I've felt I needed to be punished for his death, and in all likelihood I still do, but I cannot take it anymore. It's making me a an impatient and frankly at times downright cruel mother. I don't know if this thing with this guy will go anywhere, but all I want at this point is one night of fun and the chance to find out. I hate myself over this though, and just needed to confess, I guess and get it out. That I love her and would do anything for her but one time, just this one time I am planning on putting myself first.

I absolutely have no idea when a text exchange is supposed to end. Are we having a conversation? Do I inform the other person that I'm leaving? Is it weird that I answered a particular text, because we were not, in fact having a conversation? It's fine when it's people I know well, they'll forgive my texting ignorance. But when I'm talking to uh, a new person, am I coming off rude or needy?

Today we moved into my house. I was a complete bitch to everyone, in part because I was confronted with all "our" stuff for the first time in months and because I was aggravated over something I have no right to be aggravated over. I'm mad at Dan. I am completely swamped at work. The stove doesn't work. The washer dryer wasn't hooked up properly so it sprays water everywhere. The movers refused to move the piano downstairs. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being alone. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. Taking care of messes, fixing things. Absorbing everyone's complaints, because apparently that's all I'm good for. There are a million things to do, there are ALWAYS a million things to do and I don't feel like doing any of it. Fuck.

TS, your post made me think of Michael Spock, son of childcare guru Dr. Benjamin Spock and the scholar in residence at the last museum where I worked. He was one of the first people in museums to recognize the importance of play and interactivity in museums, and to really target children as an audience in museums. He was really at the forefront of these issues; the interactivity in museums and child focused exhibitions you see are the direct result of his work. He was also dyslexic, and I'm sure that must have informed his interest in different approaches to learning. I know you know how to get things done, but I'm sure he and others have written extensively on the benefits of play, and having those kind of sources in your arsenal if you have to "pick a fight" might help.Here is a bit of information about him: http://www.playgroundprofessionals.com/encyclopedia/s/michael-spock. Back on the old boards a widower posted a similar beef and I remember thinking, holy shit they still DO that?! After everything we now know about the benefits of play?

Okay, I read it and consider myself validated. Learning difficulties are hard for a child hard for the parent and you are both doing your best. Of course you're frustrated; she is too. I think as parents we often think our children's feelings are all the direct result of our actions. But there are so many influences in their lives. My sense is your daughter's comment is as much a reflection of her own internal frustration with herself. Which of course you'd want to protect her from. By helping her, you're doing everything you can to do just that. Its okay to be frustrated and it's more than okay to teach your kid that it's okay to get frustrated, as long as you're both still trying.