MrsDan

High five! And ditto.

Fuck that I'm just such a fucking idiot.

Well, we discussed it, and decided against it. Not on account of DD, but because of me. I don't think he's as ready as he thinks he is. I don't blame him, he's got some major shit going on in his life and that's where his head is at. Meeting someone's family is a big deal to me, and I just don't think we're there yet.

Thank you for your insight. It pretty much validates the direction I was leaning towards. The only other people in my life who know about him are my sister, and a very good friend, who was actually Dan's friend first. They are both happy for me, and both love DD very much and have her best interest in mind, and basically gave me the same advice. It's funny, because I had bought him a small gift, but was second guessing whether I should give it to him. I was worried he would freak out and think I was getting all relationship-y on him. Holidays can be sort of weird for new relationships. And then he brought this up, so I'm not really concerned about that anymore. I even wondered if it was too much to give him the NG moniker, but justified it to myself by the fact that his first name starts with N. And yes, he is very thoughtful. He's probably one of the most considerate people I've ever met. There have been multiple times when I've thought, "who IS this guy?!"

I am dating, so I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I often thought, and still do, that it was very important to have a safe place for people to discuss their desire not to recouple. Because for many, including myself for a very long time, it was a dominant feeling, one that I didn't really have any place to express. It was a feeling I took tremendous comfort in, and I think verbalizing it would have been helpful to me. Dating is one area in my grief where I never felt any pressure from people in my real life, and I think it has impacted me tremendously in a positive way. Other things I felt like people tried to force on me, like celebrating holidays, for example, and those are areas I still have more trouble dealing with. Unlike a lot of young widows, I never got the, "you're young, you'll find someone else" spiel. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. I did hear it from other widows, not entirely in those words, but in a "never say never" kind of way. I didn't understand that. I thought, if never gives me comfort, why are you trying to take that away from me? Why can't I express this opinion that I feel with such intensity, without feeling like people were trying to invalidate it? I know it was coming from a good place. That people who experienced happiness with new loves wanted other widows to experience that feeling. And I will say, I'm glad that I've met the guy I'm seeing, and it's working for me right now. But I would still never tell someone, oh, you'll change your mind, I did, or something like that. Maybe people will, and maybe they won't, but it's not my place to comment on whether they will or won't, or whether they should or shouldn't. It's my place, in the context of the widowed community, to provide validation of the feelings widowhood engenders, even those I have not personally experienced. I think we are so mindful of validating those who choose to recouple because we understand that people who choose to do so may feel conflicted, that we (royal we, meaning widowed communities) inadvertently may make those who choose not to feel invalidated. My sense is that if dating had been pushed on me I would have been even more resistant. It might have become a more conscious choice, rather than what I simply felt. Instead, what ended up happening is that I just changed my mind. It wasn't particularly gradual; I didn't want it all, and then I did. I think if other people had tried to force their ideas in me I would have wrestled with it a lot more. But there were times I felt very alone in my intense desire not to recouple. I didn't want to express it, as much because I didn't want to invalidate those who were dating as because I didn't want to be invalidated myself.

So, I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We started communicating on OKCupid in late September and we met in early November. We've gotten together five times, but we've talked on the phone or texted fairly regularly since our first meeting, and now we basically talk every day. Recently, things have started progressing towards a more relationship-y direction (I don't know how else to put it). Last night he brought up the idea of DD and I coming to a family get together of his on the 26th. There will be other kids there. He also extended an invitation to Christmas Eve but as that is a smaller gathering with no other kids he thought the option might be better for us. He said he completely understands if it is too soon, but he is putting it out there. He said he would like to meet my daughter but understands completely if and why I would prefer to hold off. I'm not sure what to do. Were DD not part of the equation, I would absolutely go; I like him a lot and this would seem like a natural next step in the progression of things. But she is part of the equation. For some reason I had a period of 6 months in my head as to when I thought it would be appropriate to introduce her to anyone. And it was firm. But I'm not entirely sure where that number came from and this seems like it might not be unreasonable. It's a party. With other kids. It's not like this means we will be going off on family jaunts, just the three of us. That I know I'm not ready for. I guess I would like some widowed input on this.

Thank you all for your responses. I stayed home with her two days and work did not fall apart. That's a good idea about the nursing service. Thank you I never would have thought of that. I did find a date night sitter on Care.com but it's just been harder finding back up sick care.

Today I had to miss a very important meeting because DD has a bad cold. No way she can she probably be home Wednesday. I'll be lucky if I get to work at all this week. Work is gonna be pissed. But what am I supposed to do? I still have not found a backup caregiver. BIL suggested I ask MIL to fly in to help but that didn't seem to make sense. I feel like it was incredibly irresponsible of me to move out here with almost no support. But I couldn't keep commuting 2 hours a day. And overall in many ways it's been helpful. I've met someone I'm really enjoying getting to know, and I don't think I would have even considered that had I stayed where I was. My daughter and dogs have more time with me. I don't feel like I have to answer to people about my grief before. My job takes more focus than my old job ever did, so I don't have the time to focus on grief. But I am so completely alone. My BIL and his family are done helping me. I thought I'd be able to pay someone to watch her when sick, but it's just not that easy. I can't miss a week of work everytime she's sick. I can't be in two places at once. I'm so tired of trying to make the impossible situation Dan put me in work. I'm sick of my life being about putting out fires and grief. Somebody is always mad at me. Either because I couldn't perform, or because I have to cash in so many favors so I can perform. I'm sick of begging, begging for forgiveness, begging for help. Constantly apologizing for not making this work, to people who have no idea how impossible my life is. I do a lot, handle a lot. But I can't do everything. Something I used to tell Dan when he wouldn't help me. Why? Why is so much expected of me? Other people take sick days, take breaks. I never do. The only me time I have is one hour of Netflix in the evenings and a few smoke breaks during the day. And now, time spent talking/texting withis guy, and seeing him maybe once a week. And yet, I catch so much shit for any time I waiver from a state of complete toil. I feel like such an idiot. I left a job completely understanding of my family situation and family that could help me. But it wasn't sustainable. Her grandparents are in their 70s, I don't know how long they could have kept watching her. I'm just tired. Tired of clawing through the muck of pain and worry and grief and hating myself. It's made me a horrible mother. I need a vacation. I'd planned some time off in January but now I won't be able to justify it. I feel like I'm constantly one sick kid or dog or mistake away from complete disaster. One bright spot has been this guy, who I had doubts about but just felt like there was something there. And there is, but now I'm terrified that will just disappear, or my incredibly complicated life will destroy it and then I'll be back to where I was before, but worse. Sorry this got long. Just overwhelmed.

You know, you popped into my head the other day. I thought, I wonder how Mimi's doing, if things are still going well with that guy with the bird. I guess they are! Congratulations!

We went out Saturday and it was great. Like, really, really great. Interestingly, I met another guy for lunch this weekend who I had been chatting with, and I thought, I sure wish this was N instead, which I found pretty telling. Of course, he could totally disappear, decide he's really not into this old widow. But that's a whole different concern. I find it interesting that I've found myself wanting to learn more about this guy, rather than just shutting him down. And the more I get to know him, the more I like him. Which makes logical sense of course, but I'm not sure it always works that way.

Thank you all for your responses. DD was okay, she had a fun night with my SIL and I had a good time with the guy.

Picked up a phone at work; it was a lender who was unhappy. While telling me off, he mentioned something about how things work in the real world. That sent me over. I buried my husband. I know how things work in the real world thank you very much, more than most. I hung up the phone, closed my office door, and sobbed. It rattled me the whole day. Then I get home and making dinner when DD, who was sitting at the table coloring, just starts screaming. I tried to figure out what's wrong and discern something about her hurting her mouth and then she says she wants to go to her room. I carry her up there, and she starts puking. So I grab a nearby sweater to catch the puke, and take her to the bathroom. Now, this is the first time she's thrown up since being potty trained and she looked at me like there was no way she was putting her face there. I offer her a bucket, no. So I just keep catching the puke in her sweater and paper towels. Then, someone starts pounding on my door. It's the roofers who had been working on my gutters. They had left before I got home, and I didn't know they were coming back. I open the door, and Neelah runs in. They had left the gate open and I didn't know. I had left the gate open this past weekend and only knew she'd gotten out then because Gracchus was barking this panicked bark. So now I'm upset she got out again, don't know if DD is still puking. Finally things settle down, I get DD some toast and applesauce and plop her in front of my computer to watch videos. I get a text from guy I've been seeing asking if he can call later so we can firm up our plans for tomorrow night. Because of course, whenever I have plans I'm looking forward to, something happens, like DD getting sick. I start getting DD ready for bed, and I hear Gracchus whining. I look into the kitchen and he's all excited, looking at the cabinets. Neelah joins him. See, I discovered I have mice last weekend, and was somewhat surprised (and frankly a little annoyed) that my dogs let them get in. Now they decide at this moment to realize there's a mouse? What am I supposed to do? I don't want to see it! I don't know how sick DD will be, if I'll have to cancel my plans. Today sucked so bad at work I just wanted an easy evening. I feel like I'm constantly being punished, like every time I try to claw my way forward, something pushes me back. I'm just so sick of this kind of garbage, of feeling guilty, then getting slapped in the face when I start to try to put the guilt behind me. This sucks.

Well, we're going out this weekend. He sent me some music he made, and I have to say, it's pretty amazing. And I find him very easy to talk to. I feel like previous versions of me would be over thinking things, and the fact that I'm not really doing that is what's sort of jarring. I think a big part of me feels pulled into that old way of thinking because time I spend with him, or any man, for that matter, is time away from my daughter. But I just like him, so I'll see where it goes.

I'm sorry, I know how difficult this must be for you.

I'm so sick of guys who come on really strong, then have second thoughts and disappear. This isn't an interview for a job you might decide you don't want. People's feelings are involved. Calm the fuck down, make sure it's a road you really want to go down before falling over yourself acting like you are.

I really thought this was going to be a post about your mother.

So, we've hung out a bit more and talked on the phone a few times. He's incredibly na?ve about certain things, and I'm struck by how willing (I think) I am to overlook it. I don't know, I just really like him. When I was in grad school I had this professor who was brilliant, as you have to be to get to that position, but was hands down the most unstylish person I ever met. I remember thinking, how can you be so smart, and yet have no concept of a hairbrush, or what clothes are remotely flattering or attractive. And then I thought, maybe there's so much intelligence one has, and all of it can be directed in a certain area. So, all her brilliance was zeroed in on historical study. None left for being stylish. Maybe this guy's intelligence is all focused on the clarinet, and knowing how to treat people. Because he is just so considerate. It seems genuine, not like something forced or motivated by something else.

Munsen! So glad to see you!

Been messaging with this one guy, then he kind of stopped. So tonight I figured what the hell, and sent a message. So he writes back, oh sorry, I didn't realize you had written. Dude I can see when you've read my message. And that you visited my profile yesterday. At least just say you've been busy. Or nothing I mean whatever, you don't owe me an explanation.

Ha, well after I posted this I talked to him and he told me a class he'd pitched to a local college got picked up. I don't know, I like him, but not sure if in that way. Doesn't help that I had a dream about Dan last night. How I miss that man. This guy is nothing like Dan, and I realize that's not the point, but in some ways it draws some of the things I miss about him into sharper relief. With Dan there was an instant attraction. That's not the case here. I realize it could develop, and I'm trying to see if it happens. But I'm pretty sure it is there for his, and if it doesn't ever happen on my end, I'll just feel like a giant jag bag.

You basically articulated the point I was dancing around. The reality is I do feel very guarded when it comes to her, as I am the sole person responsible for her welfare. The other reality is, besides my work, I don't have a whole lot of other things to talk about. Well, except grief.

So I've been trying this online dating thing, trying to navigate it, and I just find myself very confused. Like, I've met and talked on the phone with this musician a few times, and it's sort of become clear he's not as far along in his career as I'd thought. He's obviously very talented, and he has goals but I think his plans for achieving them are misguided. But then I think, do I care about that? It's not like I need someone to support me. So why should that even matter? And yet, it somehow diminishes my attraction to him. There are other guys too, they're nice and all but I just don't feel any attraction. Is that important? I wish it wasn't, but it is. I've been dicked around a lot, and it seems like after everything I've been through niceness should supersede everything but it just doesn't. Just rambling here I guess.

I get the burnout, but lately I've been struggling more with Saturday morning dread. The thought of two full days ahead of me of dealing with a toddler who's at an age where she's very demanding is overwhelming. I've spent a few Saturday mornings lately on the floor sobbing, just completely filled with dread and anxiety. And then I end up being horrible, all day. I'm just drained. Completely done with it being all me, all the time.

Here's another one. You don't call someone cutie, or sweetie, or any other term of endearment in your first message. Completely unacceptable. The right to use terms of endearment with me have to be earned. Who the fuck do you think you are?

Maybe this is an odd question, but for those of you with kids, how do you feel about dates asking about your kids? Like, do you think it's just them wanting to get to know you, and if you're a parent, you're kid is an important part of who you are? Or do you find it weird? Some guys don't broach it at all, but seem okay if I mention her, while others ask. I guess it doesn't seem weird if it's coming from another parent. Then again, someone who isn't a parent might not understand why a parent would be guarded when talking about their kids.