MrsDan

Step issues aside, asking a few kids to stay the night and having the rest go home is just plain fucking rude in my opinion. If you want to do a sleepover and have it more scaled back, do it a different day.

I am so very sorry for you and your family's loss.

The hardest part of a new relationship for me is the management of expectations - expectations of pacing, emotions, together time, meeting family, doing vs saying. I don't exactly remember it being that hard with Dan but then it was so long ago and those expectations were settled so long ago that it's entirely possible that I just don't remember. It seems like your guy is acting loving, even if he's not ready to use the words. That goes a long way in my opinion, althought again, I could see why it would bother you.

Thank you for your thoughts. I think you all make good points. It's a lot of things. One thing that I thought about today is that I think I'm having trouble adjusting to being a new girlfriend. Just dating is one thing; it's so far afield from being a wife. So is being a new girlfriend, but there are enough similarities to make it really confusing. It's so hard to trust in anything after all that's happened, let alone something that's so different than what I'm used to.

I think your concerns are valid. one thing, I'm wondering: do you love him? And does that make you more or less willing to wait for him to open up to love? (I could see it both ways). Eight months seems like a long time to figure out if it's love. Then again, if companionship is what one is looking for, eight months without an I love you exchange isn't a big deal. It sounds like you're looking for more than that. NG and I have exchanged I love yous, but I still have a hard time gauging where he's at. I feel like he's very invested at times, then pulls back. Like you, we've discussed it and I think I understand what it stems from, but that doesn't make it easy. Our relationship is new enough where I think there's plenty of time to figure things out. Would I still feel that way if things were the sae after 8 months? I can't say, but it would probably be hard. So I don't have any advice but I validate you.

I've been thinking, and I realize that there are two ways to think about the issues I have with trust. One would be to be more open, and look at that as overcoming my trust issues. The other would be to learn from my past, and be more guarded. I'd assumed when I started dating that I would do the latter, but that hasn't been the case. I'm starting to feel that I should be a lot more guarded with my heart than I have been. I also am starting to think that maybe the delay in DD meeting NG is probably for the best. She has been saying some things that make me think this is not a good time. Things like, I don't have a daddy, there is no daddy when playing make believe. I've been worried that I've sheltered her too much, made her too clingy with me. But I could be pushing the pendulum in the other direction. I think I need to dial things back on multiple fronts, for her and for me.

And it's long. DD had a slight fever last night. Third time in six weeks. Since she was also complaining that her mouth hurt, and I get cold sores and have one now, I took her to the doctor. She has strep. Awesome. still have the last cold that she gave me. Rush over to the pharmacy, who makes me wait until I can get there with my insurance card, which they explain is expired. Rush home to meet the Comcast guy, because I've been without Internet for a week, because I can't take off work so they can replace a bum modem. Spend the day nursing DD, who insists I watch Dora with her, which I totally fucking hate, while stressing about things in my amazing relationship. Then after she goes to bed, I had to wrestle my 60 lb dog into the tub for an antibiotic bath for some nasty skin infection she has. It has to stay on for five minutes. She jumped out. Wrap that business up. All this seems like a shitty enough day, but then there's all this trauma shit that makes it a million times worse. The doctor found a sore in her mouth, and I started to cry. When she was born I had a cold sore, and it was explained to me that by nursing her, I put her life at risk. She stayed in the NICU a week. It was a horrible, terrifying time, made worse by the fact that Dan was an absolute asshole, (because unbeknownst to me, he was drunk out of his mind. At this point, I guess I should take this over to the addiction thread, but fuck it, I'm too lazy, and besides, this isn't just about that). Her cries when they took the strep swab, the news about the sore, it all sent me back there, to a time eclipsed by Dan's death but dammit it was still horrible. Fortunately, the doctor said it's not herpes, just some other viral sore. So I should be grateful for that, and I am. But I'm also very disappointed. NG was supposed to meet DD this weekend. I was also supposed to have a friend over who's in from out of town. Neither will happen, and now, it will be another month before he will be able to meet her, due to a number of circumstances. And it feels like another obstacle in what is an amazing relationship. A relationship that seems far too good to be true. Last night we had a lovely evening with his dad and stepmom. Then we spent some time together, and he said some of the sweetest things. Told me how much he loves me. But instead of focusing on that, today I was consumed with fear and doubt. Because how can this be? How can he be this amazing? A few things are needling me, things I'm sure there are perfectly reasonable explanations for but because the situation with Dan did such a number on my trust are eating at me. I spoke to my sister about it, and that helped. But I had a revelation, something I hadn't really thought of until I said it out loud to her. Maybe NG seems too good to be true because things with Dan were so hard. Maybe in contrast to things with Dan, issues that existed largely because of his drinking, NG seems all the more amazing. (Although my sister, who has a pretty kind and generous husband herself, is often blown away by stories of NG). But that was a major mind fuck moment. I love Dan. I love a lot of things about him, but a huge part of it just is. I can't wholly explain why, I just do. With NG, I can create a laundry list of the things I love about him. I feel like Dan was a lightning strike; NG is a rainstorm that starts with a drizzle and quickly moves to a downpour. Or maybe it IS simply too good to be true. In which case I am completely terrified. Because I love this man. But I love Dan, but so much about our life, what I thought we had, wasn't real. Or maybe it had been at one time, but alcoholism ate away at it. I don't know. I feel like a dick for een thinking these things about Dan, let alone airing them out in a public forum. But I don't have time for therapy, and I need to process all this, because I don't want the fact that I am still struggling with grief and trauma to destroy what I'm building with NG. Which brings me back to this sucks. I want to feel safe. I want to think things will be okay. But Dan's death and the circumstances surrounding it took that from me. How can I ever trust in anything again? And I'm sick of feeling this way. And I'm sick of feeling bad for being disappointed. Yes I am grateful I got DD to the doctor, and got her the medicine she needs. The important thing is she'll be okay. But her meeting NG was important to me too. Not as important as her being okay, obviously, but still important. There is still so much in my life that is so, so hard. I crave the good, especially now that I have a taste of it again. NG and I don't get as much time together as I would like, and that's just the reality of the fact that we're two busy single parents. I get that. But when additional obstacles get thrown in the way, it's frustrating. Is that okay? Isn't it okay for me to be disappointed, scared, frustrated, and just plain sick of trauma and grief?

Fuck insecurity. Fuck that I don't think I'll ever be able to fully trust anyone again.

Fuck fucking strep throat. Fuck that this means DD won't meet NG for another month. Fuck people who hurt people I love.u Fuck questioning myself. Fuck OCD, which makes me unable to trust myself

A, I'm glad my post helped. Honestly dating was very weird, but not because I was widowed, but because it was something I hadn't really done much of before, since Dan and I got together so young. I will tell you also that NG is very understanding of my grief and accepting of Dan and the life I shared with him. He has told me that he thought they would have been friends (I agree). I asked him how it was that it doesn't bother him that I talk about my inlaws so much, more even than my own family. He said he just figures I have really good people in my life and that's awesome. I asked him if my memorial tattoo bothers him. No, he said, he thinks it's aesthetically beautiful and how awesome that it's also so meaningful. He has tried to assure me that Dan did not drink to escape me, that he was chemically dependent. I've shared Dan stories, both positive and negative, and he has always been very understanding. I am telling you all of this because my sense is that the right person for you will be respectful of the love you shared with Alex. And I wanted you to know it is possible to find someone like that. Honestly the weirdest thing about when I started dating was that I did not feel more conflicted.

Thanks all. The problem is I also have obsessional OCD. So my fears often manifest in ways that worsen that. It waxes and wanes; currently it feels like I'm holding back a tsunami of fear and subsequent ocd relapse. Which I can't afford right now

Things are going really well with NG. I really never thought I could feel this way about someone again. But now I'm finding myself worrying that something will happen to him. I've been in kind of denial about it, not wanting to open myself up to that fear. We always text each other when we get home from our dates, and he typically calls me at the end of his workday, as his schedule varies. I try not to worry when he doesn't call or text when I'm expecting him to, but those fears are creeping in. I know this is something I could talk to him about. But although there may be small things he could do to put my mind at ease, ultimately it's my issue. It's just the price one pays for loving someone. It feels like a higher price now that I've lost one already.

Congratulations!

I understand, I think you know how much I do. We are on a similar timeline and held the same attitude about dating for a very long time. So maybe it will help you to know that I have met someone, things are going well, and I really feel very little if any guilt. I love Dan and you love Alex. I know how you and I've suffered. You don't suffer like we have when you don't love someone. And yet I love NG, and continue to fall deeper in love with him. Does it diminish my love for Dan? No. I can't explain it but it doesn't. Does it make things better? I won't lie, for me it does. It gives me something to look forward to, brings me happy emotions, instead of unmitigated pain. I like getting texts in the middle of the day again from someone who's thinking of me. I like knowing someone thinks about me a lot. I like him telling me how beautiful I am. I like being attracted to someone who's attracted to me. I like having sex again. I like laughing again. Should I feel guilty about those things? Well, they're human, and since when do I have to be anything other than human? I will love and grieve my husband for the rest of my life. What I've been through, no person should ever suffer. If it's not enough, I don't know what is.

I pure, straight, hate my job.

What would airing the dirty laundry accomplish? If the problem is people are not treating Ch2 with respect, or making her feel less than Ch1, you can certainly address that in other ways. Another thing you may want to consider is how you would feel if Ch2 starts to spend time focused on those problems, and malign your Ch1 as a result. I have been very honest with NG about the problems in my marriage, problems due in large part to Dan's alcoholism. NG's response has always been that Dan was so chemically dependent that it was beyond his control. He has never blamed Dan for his disease. He has told me that Dan seemed like a very nice guy, and that he thinks they even could have been friends (something that had occurred to me as well). I don't know that I could continue with him had he maligned Dan in any way. The fact that he is so magnanimous is one of the things I think that is helping our relationship to grow. There are ways NG is different than Dan that I greatly appreciate. The biggest being that he doesn't drink, he's only been drunk maybe twice in his life. I love Dan very much but I will never go down that road again. And although Dan wasn't particularly abusive when drinking, often he wasn't very nice. So NG's extraordinary niceness appealed to me greatly, it was one if the things that kept me wanting to get to know him more. Do I feel conflict about there being some things about NG that are better for me than Dan? Some. I'm surprised I don't feel more. But then I think had alcohol not been in the picture, things would have been very different. But it was, and it has impacted what I was looking for in a new relationship. Despite our problems though, the fact is I did love, and still love, Dan very much. I did remove a nightstand wedding picture, but kept the rest up and gave NG a heads up that that was the case. His response was, "Wait, you were married?" Then he apologized for being flippant, but said that he understood that this was and is part of my life. I realize that NG is exceptionally understanding, and I don't expect every Ch2 to be that way. It must be very, very hard, and I think the widowed community is often too hard on them.

It doesn't sound like it was a complete disaster, it sounds like the opposite, that headed off what could have been a complete fucking disaster. Good for you for recognizing the issues and dealing with them

Thanks all for your thoughts. We had a long and beneficial talk last night about a number of things. We did go over the fears and issues we each bring to the table. I think it helped us to learn that we have some very similar fears and insecurities. I continued to share more and more about Dan, his addiction and his death. What's funny is that he is so very appreciative of my openness on that subject, while I am continually struck by his willingness to listen to what is very, very difficult subject matter. He continually amazes me with his responses and attitudes towards things, including my husband. I think the big issue may be that we're both so overwhelmed by how good this is. It's so good after so much bad that it's frightening, because it's hard to trust in anything good again. And Virgo, I did respond that I loved him too. And when we said it at the end of our conversation last night, it did feel a lot more natural.

I have been seeing someone for a couple months. Things are going well. Shortly after we started dating, he informed me that he is going through a majorly stressful situation involving his daughter. I've been supportive, and he is very understanding about my grief. I think we can relate to each other even more, having both experienced really intense difficulties. I do think his situation affects his emotional availability, a fact that he has acknowledged. He has told me a few times it's hard for him to move too quickly in our relationship because of this very emotional situation he is dealing with. And I told him I absolutely understood. But then he does things that confuse me, because they feel like steps forward that I thought he wasn't ready for. Like being eager for me to meet his parents (which I did, and they are both lovely). Some of it I think stems from a difference in perspective. Like for me, meeting the family is a sign of the relationship becoming more serious. I think for him it's a way to determine if it should get more serious. We both had two days off last week and spent most of that time together. On the first day, we were talking, and he said, "I love you." I asked him to repeat himself, because I wasn't sure I heard correctly. He repeated himself. I asked him if he was sure. Twice. He said he was. He said he'd wanted to tell me the night before, but we were on the phone then. He said it again, when we parted so I could run an errand. However, he backed off from it a bit the next day, he kept telling me he liked me a lot. The day was fine, I met his mom and we had a good time together. But I felt a little confused. So I told him, I was finding him very hard to read, I felt like I was getting mixed messages. He said he understood why I felt that way, that the situation with his daughter is a lot to deal with. I told him I understood, and I do. I understand where he's coming from. I wish I had a better understanding of this from the outset, but it is what it is. But I also reminded him that I am dealing with a big emotional issue too, that while I've been doing a lot better (for lack of a better word) it's still something I very much deal with. Since then he has ended our conversations with I love you. I really don't know that he's there yet, and I don't want him to force it. I think that would be detrimental to our relationship. Basically I don't want him to say it if he's not completely feeling it. Maybe he is and I'm wrong. He has said that he likes that he can be completely genuine with me. But I also worry that maybe he's afraid he'll push me away if he goes too slow. I know he cares for me a great deal, as I do him. There are things we could do to move things forward, like him meeting DD, which we've discussed and plan to make happen soon. I've told Dan's siblings and his best friend, and plan on telling his parents next weekend. I've met a number of his family and friends, but he hasn't met any of mine simply because most of them don't live in the area. But I don't want to jump ahead, and I think exchanging I love yous regularly does that. Then of course there are all the ways in which it's a huge deal to me related to widowhood. Which I've felt somewhat unable to confront, because of my confusion over his actual feelings. I guess that's why I'm posting this here, as opposed to just talking to a friend or my sister. Exchanging I love yous is a big deal as a widow, and yet I feel like I haven't really been able to think about it from that perspective. I'm not particularly seeking advice. I know we need to have a conversation, several conversations, and we do talk openly and honestly about these sorts of things. But it won't happen today, and I'm not sure when it will happen because DD is sick, so I can't get away and don't want him to come over because this would be a really bad time for him to get sick. I guess I just wanted to write this out in order to process it.

That's a lot. I'm sorry it was so overwhelming. I also hope you're getting some alone time. I think there's always a bit of scrutinizing that takes place when the relationship is newish or there hasn't been a lot of interaction with the ILs. Add widowhood to it, and it all must be too much.

We're family, we have values, we respect ourself, we respect as well as have compassion for one another and that's how we roll. We all have a role in this family and a purpose. Odd thing is, I can't figure out why other families do not care for one another as my family does. Easy there, just because you have different ideas on the subject doesn't mean you get to attack other people's family values. This weekend I plan on telling Dan's parents that I am seeing someone. Do I owe them an explanation of my feelings for NG and what they do, (or rather don't) mean about my feelings for Dan? I personally think I do. I've been in the family a long time, and I believe the feelings of people who have lost their child should be considered and protected as much as possible. Should their reactions govern how I proceed with NG? Absolutely not. It's my life, and I am the one grieving my husband. Of course I'm past the one year mark you've set down as proper. So that makes it okay, right? We all basically experience the same affects from grief, its our choices and actions that makes the difference. This is not at all true. I've read the experiences of hundreds of widows and can say without question that there is great variability in the nature of each one's grief. You don't know the first thing about my feelings about my husband's death or how the circumstances radically affect the nature of my grief. Don't presume and don't generalize.

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not sure how much the issue has to do with the actual bed as much as just the ritual of sleeping together (literally). I do feel a little funny that I don't feel guilty about having sex on "our" bed. The weird reality is I'm attached emotionally to that bed and can't let it go. So you would think that would prevent me from being with NG on it, but it hasn't.

I think you know your kids and what they are comfortable with. I used to feel like this was a very black and white area; no sleepovers while kids are at home. But honestly, what that often translates into is the parent sacrificing a lot of fulfillment and happiness. I used to think parents should be willing to sacrifice anything for their kids. But now, I really question whether it's fair to expect single parents to sacrifice the intimacy and closeness that comes with sleeping with someone they truly care about, and I'm not particularly just talking about sex. I asked NG to spend the night last night and he was surprised; he hasn't met DD and didn't realize it was an option. I was okay with it for a few reasons. First, I knew I would get her up and out for school before he got up; she would never see him. Second, being busy single parents with demanding careers limits our time spent together, and this was a way we could carve more time. Once he meets her, which I hope will be soon, I expect that he will continue to spend some nights. She won't see him in my room, and she's too young to understand the implications anyway. I realize with older kids it's harder. But while I do believe in modeling behavior we'd like to see our kids carry out, I also think it's important to make a distinction between what's acceptable for the parent to do, vs. what's okay for the kids to do. Is it acceptable for two middle aged adults in a committed relationship to share a bedroom, and (presumably have sex?) Yes. Is it acceptable for teenagers? No. That's not hypocrisy, that's reality.

NG spent the night for the first time last night. He asked which side he should take, so I told him to pick. He said he felt like I probably slept on the left so he would take the right. He was right. Dan slept on the right, and I slept on the left, and that is where I've stayed. I was hoping he'd pick the left, for some reason I didn't want to take Dan's side myself, but I felt funny giving it to him. I like how I have no problem having sex with him on that bed but I felt guilty letting him have Dan's side. I know I could have talked to him about it, because he's been incredibly understanding. But I just didn't want to bring up grief again. I've shared a lot with him, but I don't want it to be a constant. It ended up fine; it got less weird for me but what a mind fuck this whole thing can be.

I think the mistake you both made is thinking her decisions in the event she is widowed are anybody's business but her own.