MrsDan

No you don't. I haven't even read your post and I can say that with absolute certainty, so now I'll go back and read it.

When did has bad dreams, I sit with her a bit and then I tell her I have to go but Daddy is with her and will protect her. Is that wrong? Well I'm not so sure that it's untrue. And he did not have the opportunity to do all the things he wanted to do for her. But I can give him this.

Nonesuch, thank you for adding your perspective. That dimension is something that's hard to explain or even fathom if you haven't lived it. I actually like the pace he's taking; it's one of the things I like about him. It seems very natural and sensical. I talked to a couple other guys who came on way too strong, and it was a huge turn off. I think if I wasn't widowed, there would be no issues. It's been a fun distraction. But that's not something I want to find myself depending on.

He does seem like a nice guy. But I don't trust my instincts, not anymore.

I think it may be a little more complicated by the fact that I feel rejected because of Dan's addiction. I was all in, but for him m there was something that had a stronger hold on him than us. And I don't really understand what's making me entertain the thought of ever going down that road again with anyone else. Whether it's just a friendship with someone I'm attracted to, a fwb, or whatever. I totally get that I should just live in and enjoy the moment. But let's also remember I haven't had sex in almost four years.

So, I've mentioned before that I've been talking with this guy, and now we've met twice. The first time, I enjoyed our conversation, but had some reservations in terms of spark, etc. Well, then he went on vacation, and we texted while he was gone. He sent me pictures and we just chatted. Then we hung out this past weekend, went for a very long walk. I told him I was widowed. We walked and talked for another few hours. He followed up asking if I wanted to go see a show. So I asked a friend if she would watch DD and she agreed. I felt bad asking her; I feel like I should reserve those favors for practical stuff or emergencies. But it dawned on me I've haven't gone out and done anything fun in almost four years. So we're going. And he texted me, telling me he's really enjoyed our conversations, and if I'm free before next week's show, let's hang out. I can't quite get a read on this guy, in terms of what he's looking for, if he's hoping this will progress past friendship. After seeing him on Saturday, I had this tremendous feeling of Oh shit. Oh shit, because I really like this guy, and what the hell am I doing opening this Pandora's box? The nature of Dan's death brought on feelings of tremendous rejection, why am I opening the possibility of experiencing more of that? My life is a complete shit show right now. What made me want to add more complications? My friend asked me if this is weird for me. I told her it was weird that I don't feel more conflicted. And it is. More mind fuckery to add to the intense mind fuck that is widowhood. I'm not sure what the point of this post is really. Just processing I guess.

A, I just want you to know you and your family have been in my thoughts. I hope your faith and love for one another will continue to provide the support and comfort you need at this time.

Bomb dropped. Not sure what he thought, but he didn't make anything of it. I suggested we take a walk in a park. He brought his dog, and the subject of where mine are came up. I explained that I was married and he died; my dogs are staying with his parents and I'm staying with his brother. We walked and talked another three hours, mostly about work, politics, etc. He texted me later about going to see some live music soon, so I guess he wasn't too put off. At least I hope that's the case, because I really like him.

YAAAAAY!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad you got the job and that what has been a huge burden off your shoulders. But. I completely understand the mixed feelings and I validate you.

Okay, although I generally dislike the brief criptic messages, I did appreciate this one: " You look like you're 25" ( I'm 39).

This made my morning. Thank you. TS I am so stupid. He mentioned in his profile he's been known to go to a show or two. Then last weekend he texted me, mentioned he was at s Phish concert. I thought, wait, and googled his profile name, yep it's the title of a Phish song. No real reason I would have known that. I only know one song by them. It was a song Dan liked, and I used to give him (good natured) shit for it. Actually, I've only met two other Phish fans in my life. One spent a year following them and she was this totally awesome, brilliant chick. The other was a total asshole. It's funny how your perspective on people changes with widowhood. I now feel like I've been a judgmental asshole about a lot of things. Like seriously, it's a band. He's nice to me, and seems to think I'm cool.

TS, I started smoking after my dad died. Of lung cancer, how's that for fucked up. I quit, but started up again after Dan died. I just needed something, and because of the way he died, I can't drink, can't even stand the thought of alcohol. The guy I've been chatting with, his profile says he'll only date an occasional smoker. Oops. But hey, he likes Phish, so he's got to smoke something, right? Confession 2, I am getting to know and really like a guy who likes Phish, and I may, on one occasion or another in my past life, made fun of that whole phenomenon. Next confession, I asked my SIL to watch DD both days last weekend, so I could work on the house one day and have lunch with a friend from out of town the other. It's not entirely untrue; I did see the friend, but she came over and we hung out while I worked on the house, and then I had lunch with that guy the next day. The fourth confession is that I really don't feel as bad about it as much as I think I should, because my life sucks so bad I needed something to look forward to.

Well, it's not all bad. That guy I had lunch with and I have been texting. He's on a trip, so I think it's kind of nice that he's still in contact while he's on vacation. I had a few qualms, but my friend came in from back home and we talked about it and I feel better about it. I wasn't sure when he was back in town so I asked him if he wanted to have coffee ( I'm kid free until Tuesday). He said he's not back until Wednesday but, "I want a raincheck!" Shit. I better work harder at finding a babysitter.

I've been trying to think of the right thing to say, but don't know if I can. I hate that you are in this position. I hope your brother handles it with sensitivity. And I'm sorry for both you and Alex. I don't think readiness has that much to do with it. Who would be ready to watch someone close to them live the life they were supposed to live in the very place they were supposed to live it? It would be different if you were able to sell I think. I just hate this situation for you.

Okay ladies and gentlemen, top this. I messaged this guy, he messaged me back, it went back and forth for a while, and he asked if we could talk on the phone. OK, sure. It went okay for a while. He'd mentioned having a bird and I thought, haha that's kind of funny, made me think of Maddelena. So he's talking and talking, asking me questions but not giving me a chance to answer. Then he tells me his bird was eaten by a rat! He went on and on, then mentioned he'd had a few cocktails. Big groan. Anyway, we're talking, he's name dropping (PS, I'm not impressed that you met Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell is awesome, and very well known for being really great with his fans.) So come to find out he's been married three times. Okay, whatever. THEN he asks me how many times a week I masturbate. Oh no. Then when I wouldn't answer, the question, he asks if I'm sexually inhibited. No jag bag there's a difference between being inhibited and being discerning about who you share it with. Anyway, I got off the phone and he texted me a few times. I saved his number under the name, Gross in case he calls or texts again. Who goes for this crap?! I've messaged back and forth with a few guys; there have been only two guys who actually seem genuinely nice. And one I'm starting to strongly suspect lives with his parents. But okay, at least he's sweet. Everyone else seems to be either a total perv, or they act like they're too good to continue a conversation that they decided at one point to engage in.

When I have those thoughts, like I literally can't take another 5 seconds, I try to focus on the fact that those five seconds have passed. And they'll continue to do so. Personally, I don't get the whole lead up being worse thing. For me, the actual day sucks the hardest balls. There is more of a build up with the anniversary of his death, because my head goes back to the horrible days that preceded it. But the actual day is the worst. And this year I have to work. Always vowed that I wouldn't, but I absolutely can't get around it. Hope everyone's prepared for me to be a royal fucking bitch that day.

I dunno, I guess I see the whole messaging a bit differently. I'm supposed to respond to every message that says something beyond hi or a bit of a cougar aren't you? (Yes, I got that.) Even when we're like a 40% match? That's a full time job! And not interested in opening doors I would just slam in someone's face. I figure when I send a message, maybe I'll get a response, maybe I won't. That's just how it goes. That like button though, that pisses me off. I got a like from someone I hadn't noticed before and sent him a message. If I don't get a response, well that's a little irksome. If you like someone, maybe then you should respond. But I guess I don't really expect strangers to respond if they're not at all interested.

Well, it was okay. Actually, it was very nice not in a fireworks sense but more in a nice to have a conversation with someone new with shared interests. Marital status didn't come up. He telecommutes, so I think he's really looking more to expand his social circle. Of course he could be full of it, but I don't think so. He was very sweet, I think if nothing else maybe I made a new friend. All in all, I think he was the right if person for me to have this first kind of thing with.

In a word, yes. Women are more frequently the targets of predators. There are a lot or weirdos out there, looking to take advantage of women sexually or financially. It's very likely that a widow might be perceived as emotionally vulnerable and therefore easy prey for a con man to target. So I don't advertise it. I would want someone to express genuine interest in me first, rather than open the possibility of someone just interested in my perceived vulnerability. Thank you for all your responses. I feel better prepared, lol.

Serpico, I don't fully understand it either but that mindset is out there but since I have no experience with this I thought some others might have some insight as to why that is. I sort of figured if marital status came up I would tell, hoping it would come up in a meeting rather than a message. When I said I don't plan on telling him at our first meeting, I mean more like I don't plan on opening with it. If it's a deal breaker I'd rather know sooner than later. I guess I also figured people would be more willing to shut someone down because of it when still communicating online. Because online, I feel like people have a tendency to view things as a checklist, because really they can pick and choose what they want. Smoker? No way? Kids? No thanks. And they limit themselves that way I think. Jess, if it goes badly we will never speak of this again!

Alright I'm just going to say this. I met a guy online, we've been chatting for a while, and he asked to meet for coffee this weekend. Yeah I know. I really don't know how I feel about it, or if I'm even willing to put too much thought into that, or what it means. Wasn't even particularly eager to share this, except I need some practical advice. When do you let them know you are widowed? He knows I have a kid, but probably assumes I'm divorced. It's not in my profile, because I feel like it would make me a target for predators. So anyone who would be upset that it's not in my profile, well fuck 'em because they don't know what we have to be mindful of. But once we meet, and presuming he's not a psycho, I guess I feel funny about misrepresenting myself. I'm pretty much a no bullshit person. I realize this could go completely nowhere, and I'm not really planning on telling him at are first meeting. But I guess I'd like a sense of what the general opinion on this is. In case it does go somewhere, whether with him or someone else.

I think your relationship has ebbs and flows that are healthy. And you seem to be good about communicating about it. I guess I have the benefit of reading all the past posts. It's not a simple issue of insecurity. Believe me, if this guy was insecure it wouldn't have lasted this long. I think it takes a tremendous amount of and confidence that the relationship can endure all the challenges you've faced. The challenges ahead may seem a little overwhelming to you both at times, so maybe emphasize the obstacles you've already overcome? Two of your three kids have warmed up to him, and the other one is tolerant? That is HUGE from where you were a year ago; honestly did you ever truly believe it was possible?

I have not been posting because my life is a complete fucking shit show and I don't have any time at all. It's been one disaster after another and even if I had the time, I've realized I'm completely unqualified to give advice. I do read, and would like to offer support, but honestly I'm so completely tapped out. And I'm not even sure what support means from someone like me, who almost three years out wakes up every day wishing she didn't has to contribute. It's such an important community and I really hope it continues to grow. I wish I could offer more, but right now, but I just can't.

And while I'm on the subject of anagrams, fuck the DMV.

Not very original here, but fuck the fucking IRS.