MrsDan

Means more in terms of what? The idiosyncratic measures of worth in academia? This assumes you stay in academia. Lets say you don't. Say you find a way to channel all the energies you've poured into this field into another one. What would make it mean more? Money, your own fulfillment, saving the world? You've worked really hard. It's okay to measure what will fulfill you now, rather than what you've invested in in the past. We don't live in the past. We live in the now, and the future. I realize that your choice will impact the future, in terms of security so I am not saying just chuck it. But you have a right to look at it within the context of where your life is now and determine if it's truly keeping you afloat or pulling you down.

Well this took some pressure off: I have been really worried I would accidentally call my boyfriend Dan. I've done it when talking about him, but so far never addressed him as Dan. Last night we were on the phone and he called me by his ex's name​. The two them have a daughter and there are some legal things going on between them over that. He explained that he was looking at some paperwork with her name on it. So I confessed my fear of calling him Dan. He said he was embarrassed and mortified. Interestingly, he thought calling me by her name was worse than me calling him Dan's. He said it was better to be called by the name of someone who was thought very highly of. Anyway, I teased him a bit about it and that was it.

Wow - I can't help but chuckle a little and I'm sorry because I know this is drama and a real PITA for you, but really? A grown up expecting a parent to call her and check what the kids are eating? She sounds weirdly controlling. That's the thing about divorce, you don't get to control your ex-spouse anymore, he (and you) get to feed the kid whatever you want when he's with you. And really, its not like you are giving him booze and pretzels, jeez! 'Call me to check on what you feed him?' The things people worry about. Like you, I've raised kids, and I was smart enough to know when they went to their Aunt's or to a sleepover, they may get a different snack then we have at home. That is life! And it can be a wonderful experience or you can make yourself crazy that someone didn't give your kid the correct jelly and white bread ratio with a side of grapes. So weird. It would bother me too, she sounds like she has the maturity of a middle schooler. Guess it'd be too much for her to just be grateful someone gave her kid lunch. Vent away, we can always listen. It IS laughable but this sounds exactly like my BF's ex.

Oooo let me pull up a chair and have a cup of coffee and I can talk all about how BF's ex is irrational and loves to find things to complain about, and how I have been hard core only-parenting for five years and she acts like some kind of hero for being a single parent. I also understand the complication of the fact that his DD has a mom, and my DD doesn't have a dad, and all that. I realize that's probably not very helpful to you but can relate, even if my situation is newer and we are not cohabitating yet. Also, she has no particular issues with me, but only because it's unclear if she actually knows about me. My sense is she does not, because I feel like she'd probably make a big stink about her daughter spending time with me. Even though I've been what BF describes as "next-level" parenting for three more years than her, and I have an excellent job and she can barely hold one down. She feeds their DD garbage and a ton of juice, neglects her doctor's visits, and yet she scolds him for what their DD eats and a ton of other stuff as well. I know that if we ever move in together I will need to deal with her directly, and that basically means I'm in for it. But he's worth it, so it is what it is. Anyway, I get your frustration!

Thank you all. I was telling my boyfriend last night how anxious I am, thinking of all these things that are making me second guess my decision. And he said that while it's totally understandable to feel that way, I sound a lot calmer now than I did before. It's not hurting things that this week has been difficult at work, making me feel like my decision is constantly getting validated.

I made a big decision today. I quit my job for another one. I hope it will be better. But I had to take a pay cut. And now I am freaking out about the finances. Two years ago I quit my job to take this one. I moved to another state. And while the job hasn't been what I expected, I am completely glad I made the move. It's been good for me; I don't think I would have started dating, and I certainly wouldn't have met my wonderful boyfriend. I'm trying t o remind myself that that was a huge risk too. I was quitting a job where I had worked for eight years and had a tremendous amount of support. But this is another risk, a huge one because some of it involves stuff I have little experience in (as does my present job). And it's in an area that has had lot of struggles. That creates a tremendous opportunity for the type of work I'd be doing. It will take me into an area within my field that is hard to break into, and I might not have the opportunity to do so again. So it could potentially lead to more opportunities. But the pay. I haven't been great about money the past few years. I'd initially turned it down, but I did counter offer and they came back with something that is closer to realistic for me. But now I'm not sure it's close enough. It is really, really overwhelming being the sole person responsible for my child, our dogs, and our household. My boyfriend is a source of tremendous emotional support, but our lives are not fully integrated. Because of circumstances surrounding each of our children, we've tried to tread carefully on that. We are in a serious relationship, but it is relatively new (year and some months) and we are not married. He can support my decision. But we're not making it together. I still feel very alone. I'm the grown up, the head of the household. I know I've gotten through and managed a lot. But the stakes are so high. And I'm really just afraid.

Believe me, I've tried. She likes to remind me that I can do whatever I want but "M (my daughter) is blood." Lovely. Meh. This no longer means much to me anymore. Being blood cannot be the sole reason for maintaining a relationship. I have not spoken to my brother or one of my sisters in over 2 years. My sister and I had a falling out but my brother, well I just realized that we really don't have anything in common. I tried sustaining the relationship at various points but I got tired of being the only one doing the work. So when he finally called me after over a year I realized blood just wasn't enough anymore.

Getting married, but not legally, sounds mildly insane. Marriage laws vary state by state, but it seems like any even borderline ethical clergy person would likely not "marry" a couple and not file the certificate. I don't see how this is unethical at all. If they consider marriage a spiritual pact, a sacrament, then what does that have to do with the government? 1) Live together in delicious, delicious sin. Who cares who society and your church think? You could still get the Gubmint Cheese. 2) Marry legally. This might require scaling back and downsizing and getting a job on your part. Not easy if you're a spouse who's never worked or hasn't been employed for a long time. But there would likely be economies by joining households. Maybe NG could step up to the plate a bit. These comments imply that there is laziness involved. I don't think it's a matter of either her or new guy stepping up to the plate. Tybec's husband made a sacrifice in serving - he gave his time and efforts at personal risk. As his wife, she paid into that account too. Her posts regularly state how important her spirituality is to her. Her husband earned that money; it was his, and now it's hers. I don't see why she should have to sacrifice what is rightfully hers to practice her faith. There is no reason to believe that NG is not able or willing to contribute fairly to their combined household. It's an unfair accusation, and what's more it has no bearing on whether she is entitled to money her husband earned. My husband did not have a pension that was structured this way; I received a payout of his retirement. My boyfriend and I have not discussed marriage too much, but you can bet if it made more financial sense to stay unmarried legally that is what we would do. I work full time so I don't collect Dan's SS. It just wouldn't be enough, and I need to keep my career momentum going; I wouldn't just be able to jump back in when DD turns 16. But if I did, I would absolutely stay unmarried to keep it. That is his money. He earned it. However there may come a time when we decide to make a more emotional, or spiritual if you will, commitment. I don't see an issue with keeping that outside of the government's purview. That's not cheating the system in my opinion. It's our business. If people can have open marriages and still be entitled to spousal rights, surviving spouses should keep theirs regardless of their spiritual decisions. And frankly, considering how the government spends it's (our) money, they can afford to pay the widow of a man who served his country what he earned regardless of her spiritual decisions.

My boyfriend and I messaged for about six weeks. Yes that seems long. But I had a little trouble getting him to open up about himself. And for me to send messages took little time or effort. But to get a sitter, that was a big deal, and I had to make sure it was worth it. I will say that there was something that just kept drawing me back to him when we were messaging. I just knew there was something there.

Widowed. I'll always be widowed. I imagine if I ever remarry, I'll check both. 90% of the time it makes no difference at all and has nothing to do with whatever form you're filling out.

Did he leave her the work, or the work and the copyright? Unless he specifically assigned copyright to her as part of the bequest, the copyright belongs to you. She cannot reproduce it, and she definitely cannot use the image for commercial purposes - no way does this constitute fair use. Works created on or after January 1, 1978: A work that is created (fixed in tangible form for the first time) on or after January 1, 1978, is automatically protected from the moment of its creation and is given a term of copyright protection enduring for the lifetime of the artist plus an additional 70 years after the artist's death.

PREACH. Honestly, I get struggling with a SO's widowhood. I really do. I don't understand some people's inability to move past a break up. It's really difficult dealing with a SO's ex who is still carrying so much resentment over the fact that they broke up, even though the feelings he has for her aren't positive. But at the same time, I know it can't be easy dealing with your SO having someone who may no longer be present physically, but is still very much loved and will always be present emotionally.

I take issue with this statement: "If it wouldn’t be appropriate to say in a divorce situation, it’s probably not appropriate to say in a late spouse situation either." The two are not the same. At all. The comparison is not apt. I am sure it is very difficult to be with a widow(er). Honestly, I'm not sure I could do it. My BF has bent over backwards in being understanding and has constantly told me not to censor myself. He has integrated himself into Dan's family events. I have tried to check in with him regularly because I think it's reasonable for his feelings about it to change. Recently he vocalized some issues he's had to me, and they caught off guard a little. H e is a very good person, and I don't think he wants his feelings to impede my grief. But they matter as much as anything, and after a good long talk about it, we resolved a few of his concerns. But I told him that I did not expect his feelings to stay the same, that as our feelings deepen for someone, that impacts how we feel about certain things. So it's a continual conversation. What seems lost of the author of the piece and probably a lot of people who are with widows is how obligated we feel to keep our late spouses present in the public consciousness. To ensure that they are not forgotten. The new partner is here, but who will speak for our late spouses?

The first time N referred to him as my boyfriend, he sheepishly asked later that evening if it was okay. It's funny, because we had both told each other that we weren't seeing anyone else. I find the word silly at our age too but those are the only words in common use so that's what we are. We were quiet on FB for a long time for reasons having nothing to do with widowhood. Now we don't need to be guarded so we're public and yeah people definitely reacted.

Our Valentine's day was really nice too. We went out on Sunday and I brought his gift (a pair of cute socks and some chocolates and cookies). He asked why, and I said since I wouldn't see him on the actual day, since he usually works pretty late on Tuesdays. He said that he rearranged his schedule so that he could see me that day. He came over Tuesday night with the aforementioned gift, a rose, and a little something for DD as well.

Oh wow, do you know what he did? He made me a book of all our OKCupid messages and the text messages up until our first date (which all took place over the course of six weeks). He included pictures of us and the restaurant where we had our first date. He then tallied the number of days we've known each other, and the number of text messages we've shared. It is so, so sweet.

Thank you. I have a few strategies I'm either working on or exploring for pain management. It's frustrating though, because finding time or money for some of those things (like acupuncture, which isn't covered by my insurance, eye roll) is tough. Lately, I think what I'm really grieving is my friendship with Dan. I miss my friend.

Tybec I hate those middle school feelings, and I am prone to them, I think, because I tend to bend over backwards to degrees that others won't. My boyfriend has to do a lot of driving. He has several jobs and has to ping pong around a lot. A couple nights a week he works near me, so I usually get to see him then, and then I usually get a sitter once a week. Because of his work schedule, the nights we see each other tend to be clustered together, like Thursday Friday, then not again until the following Thursday. Which we've both stated we don't like but there it is. We only live about 30 minutes apart, but I can't pick up and go over there unless I have a sitter. And because he's a music teacher, he has to spend a lot of his off time, prepping, responding to emails. He's busy, stretched to the limit. I get it. But I miss him. I was supposed to get a sitter tomorrow night, but DD is sick so depending on how she's doing that might not happen. BF loves dogs but hates when they kiss or lick and my boy dog is the biggest kisser in the world. My girl, she's more stealthy about it, like she'll casually rest her head on your lap then lick your knee. And BF just does not like it. I don't get it. I mean, I know it's gross, but I just don't understand the level of disgust.

If you're asking if it's possible to experience love on the level that we did with our deceased loves, then I would say yes. I wouldn't have thought so before I met my boyfriend. It's something I had to experience for myself to believe, is still something of a mind fuck for me. I don't know what happens after we die. I do know what I needed to find this life bearable, to find joy. I don't know how Dan would feel about me being with someone else. I do know that I've grieved, and still grieve very hard for him. I'm also fairly confident that he would have recoupled, and possibly sooner than I did. I also think he would approve of the choice I made, that he would like my boyfriend a lot.

SVS I am glad you felt comfortable not only taking this step but also sharing it with us. Please keep us posted. You deserve to feel lightness, to experience laughter, true laughter again.

I'll chime in on the chores issue. I think many parents here agree that chores are important for kids to have. But they should be age appropriate, and while I understand that there is a wide variety of opinions on this, I can say from experience when the line is crossed. My mother suffers from a called Diogenes Syndrome. It is characterized by severe personal and household neglect. It manifests in ways that appear similar to hoarding, which is a type of OCD but is different in many respects. In fact I suspect that many of the cases of so called hoarding you see on TV are actually Diogenes. Anyway my point is that it was very traumatic growing up in this household. As a result, my sister and I tried to stay on top of the mess. But we were just little kids. I remember spending entire weekends trying to undo the disaster that accumulated the week before. My parents didn't make us clean per se, but since that was the only way things would ever be clean, we really had no choice. We were never able to have friends over. One of the only things my sister and I fought about was cleaning because she couldn't stand living in filth, and well neither did I but I also wanted to play because I was a little kid. Chores are important, absolutely. But there comes a point when it ventures into neglect. I can say with 100 per cent certainty that had any type of government official come to the house, we would have been removed. And my parents didn't care. I mean they weren't stupid, it must have occurred to them that it was possible but they let us live that way anyway. My point is that the boy's overstepping - well, he is likely dealing with some trauma (I agree with Trying that seeing a child be mothered might be triggering to him) and well, a 15 year old boy. In other words, it's up to the boyfriend to state in no uncertain terms to his son that his comments are neither welcome nor appropriate. From there the two of you can decide how much parenting input he can have. That varies by couple. But the kids comments, they have no place in the equation.

I sent you a pm about this but I just wanted to add that I think that how much input and participation someone has in the raising of a SO's child needs to be careful, measured, and at an appropriate pace. My BF and I have been together over a year and I've only recently become comfortable with letting him gradually become involved in dealing with DD. While I do think we should all be open minded about parenting and listen to other perspectives, when it comes to a SO, I think it needs to be handled with sensitivity. And I get it; not only have I been doing this on my own for pretty much her entire life; Dan's death and have created reverberations that I have to negotiate that another parent not in this position could never possibly understand.

We've talked about this very generally, basically that we've both thought about it potentially happening down the road. In our case, unless we decided to both relocate together, we would come to live with me (He lives in a rental with his brother and I have my own house). We've talked about the fact that it would have implications for his custody arrangement, but haven't really discussed it further than that. We only live about thirty minutes apart, and he works nearby a few days a week (he has several jobs). Because of his work and the fact that we're both single parents, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. Currently he usually spends the night about once a week. He has said he would like to more, and I would like that too. I love being with him. For me, it's not so much a question of giving up space, but rather autonomy. I mean, I make all the decisions about my house, my dogs, my kid. Dan and I sometimes clashed about décor, or repair priorities, or the dogs. This place is really my own, and I recognize that I would have to adjust to giving up some of that. If he lived in the house with them, I feel like he'd also have the right to have more of a say in my dogs, and that I think would be a bigger adjustment for me. We are slowly getting him more involved in DD's discipline. They have a good relationship, but I've recently given him a bit more room in terms of correction and discipline after he expressed that he didn't want to overstep. And of course, the two weekends his daughter is with him would be with us as well. Which would be an adjustment for us all as well. What would our parenting look like? Would we continue to be the main point person for each or our kids? Or would we trade off on parenting duties, regardless of who's kid it is, like getting up in the night when they have bad dreams, for example? Of course with the sacrifice of autonomy comes a whole set of rewards. I have control of the house, but that means all the stuff goes wrong is on my shoulders. It would be nice to share that burden. And quite frankly, despite the fact that I have about a billion other responsibilities, I like taking care of him. And being taken care of. Making him lunch on those days after he's spent the night. Him making phone calls to find out things I need to look into but can't find the time. I do think the benefits are such that cohabitation seems possible, even likely down the road.

Tybec it is strange. And yet, it just is. I am moving into this phase where I am really missing Dan's friendship and just him as a human being, not just as my husband or my daughter's father. I am very happy with my boyfriend, he is absolutely wonderful and it feels more and more, I don't know, normal to be in this relationship at this time of my life. But still, I miss Dan. I just miss him being in the world. I miss other people getting to spend time with him. I feel like I am feeling his family and friends' loss more acutely than ever, and, strange as it sounds, I'm finding it incredibly sad that he and my boyfriend will never meet.

Sorry that was excessive but I am so tired of dealing with so many fucking assholes.