MrsDan

I wanted to add something that happened yesterday. My husband was very irreverent and appreciated wildly offensive humor. Yesterday, my boyfriend told what some would consider a pretty offensive joke. I laughed, and immediately thought, man Dan would be on the floor laughing at this. I really have no idea of what Dan would think about me falling in love with someone else, of me being in a relationship. But I do think, at minimum, he would think, man if she's going to be with someone else, I'm glad it's with someone who would tell that joke.

How's that for anagrams! This is a tad long, so bear with me. Many of you know that a year ago I moved to a new state with DD, not far from my BIL and his family. We stayed with them for about five months and they were tremendously supportive and helpful. Since we moved I've felt like they're sort of "over" helping me, which I kind of get, I mean they did step up a lot. They also offered a lot of emotional support in my grief. My FIL died last month. Although he was terminally ill, it happened quite suddenly. It very quickly became obvious to me that BIL really has no idea what my MIL is going through, how very different losing him is for her than it is for the rest of us. And really, the only one who really can get it is me. I remember at the funeral home when they closed the casket. She shuddered and cried "Oh god" and I knew exactly what she was feeling, I mean I felt it. I've felt it so many times, and I knew even at that moment I was the only one in the room who shared that experience with her. So I get that he and his wife won't be able to be as empathetic as I can be. But they have behaved like absolute idiots with her since and I am really getting fed up. I had to leave the day after the funeral. I called a day or two later, and Dan's sister answered the phone. She mentioned that she and MIL were babysitting BILs two boys, and let me tell you, they (especially the youngest) are a HANDFUL. Now, Dan's sister is pregnant and has already had one miscarriage. MIL is 70 and has a history of cardiac issues. I said, "Why are the brand new elderly WIDOW and the pregnant lady watching their kids?!" I called a few days later and Dan's sister had gone back home, across the country. Mil was babysitting AGAIN. At this point she has been widowed maybe two weeks. When I talked to Dan's sister last night, she mentioned BIL and wife were talking a trip and leaving the boys with MIL for three whole days! I lost it. I told her that's not okay. SIL agreed, and she said MIL did object. Now if MIL's saying it's too much, it's waaaay too much. I just got a text from MIL, and it looks like they worked something else out until the weekend, when Dan's sister is flying in and can help. But still, WTF BIL?! She just lost her husband! Who was also her partner in grief over their child. I think BIL thinks his kids are a comfort to her, and maybe they are when it comes to visiting, but caring for them is a whole different thing. My DD is a little different. I know she is a comfort to her, but I still am careful not to let her take on too much when DD visits her, or when MIL comes here. And my DD is a very easy kid, and provides the added comfort to my MIL of being a connection to her Danny. I feel like I'm the only person in a position to have a sit down with BIL, and explain what his mom can and can't handle. But it puts me in an awkward position, because they have helped me a great deal, and frankly I continue to rely on them some. But I don't feel I can stand by either. I have had some rough times with my MIL and FIL, don't get me wrong. But I've moved past it, for the most part, in large degree because they lost their child. And I know Dan's sister is also worried about her, and I don't want her stressed out either. She's pregnant, she just lost her dad, we're coming up on the anniversary of her brother's death, and they were very close, and now she's worried about her mom. I know I just need to think about some ways to approach the subject with them that are non confrontational. I know that. But man. It's aggravating.

This cracked me up because one of my favorite pictures of my boyfriend on OKCupid was of him and his mom. I just thought it was so sweet. And they are close, although he is also good about boundaries too. Apparently, I owe a lot to his stepsister. She told it was time for him to get back online, and she encouraged him to use that picture. He was like, "Really?" And she was all, "oh yes, definitely."

I do. I try not to do it too much, but he comes up in the context of talking about DD, or my ILs who are still very much a part of my life. I'm also FB friends with N's mom and stepmom, so they see posts about Dan. Although more recently I've been trying to put more of those directly on his page. But I do still post pictures of him. I also tag him whenever I post photos and videos of DD, and N's stepmother told me the other night she thinks that's really great. N's parents and stepparents met Dan's mother, his brother and his family, as well as one of his cousin's when they all came to DD's birthday party a couple weeks ago. N's family all remarked how nice "my" family is, and they were including Dan's family in that. I still refer to Dan as my husband with them, although recently as N and I have gotten more serious I make an effort to say Dan instead. I was a little nervous about it at first but they don't seem to be bothered by it. N's parents are divorced and his mother is married to a widower, so maybe that makes her more understanding? I try to touch base with N every now and then to see how he's feeling about certain things. I feel like his comfort level is where I should base things.

I met my boyfriend on OKCupid. I liked the interface of that site the best. I liked that it was more granular than the other sites. Like with match, it would say someone liked music, but what kind? If that info was on there I couldn't find it. And on OKCupid the matches were broken down you could see which areas were most compatible. BF and I were a very high match overall, but I noticed that we were a ridiculously high match on ethics questions. To me that said a lot. What I didn't like about it is it deliberately doesn't show you all your matches. The only way you could see more matches was if you changed up the filter now and then. It worked out for me though. Actually, it's kind of funny, they have this "quickmatch" option, where you can scan info quickly without actually doing a full search opening someone's full profile. Every single time I did it, my boyfriend came up by like the second or third guy, and many times he popped up first. I found Match and Zoosk a pain to use, and had heard that Tinder and POF were full of pervs and weirdos, although I never tried them. An I hate that Eharmony is a Christian site without being transparent about it. I mean, I have no problem with faith based sites. Faith is important to a lot of people and in many cases probably a deal breaker. But at least be upfront about it, like Christian Mingle or J Date.

I could have written this, just substitute alcoholism for PTSD. I love Dan, but I would never enter a relationship with someone suffering from addiction again. What I was looking for this time around, was to be treated really well. I feel like I've been kicked around and hurt, not just by Dan and his addiction and death but also by people who weren't there for me or kicked me when I was down. And when I met my boyfriend, what really stood out for me was just that he is so, so nice. That drew me in, and then I realized he had all these other qualities that I wanted. He also does not drink. I can (easily) count on one hand the number of times he's had a drink since we've been together (9 months) and last night was the very first time he's had a drink in my presence, and it was a very small amount. I didn't set out to find someone like Dan, and on the face of it, they seem very, very different. Dan was super casual, and outwardly very edgy. N seemed kind of buttoned up when I met him. Dan was also very funny, and that was something very important to me. At first I wasn't sure if N was all that funny, but it turns out he's hilariously funny and he's far more laid back than I realized. And I've been realizing more and more lately that they are more alike than I would have imagined. A couple weeks ago we were at the store, and N rode the grocery cart down the aisle, you know, where you stand on the bottom rung and push off? Dan did that all the time. And then a few days later N made a joke, it was literally the same exact comment Dan had made (so you'd think I would remember but I don't). Like Dan, N is an educator in a non classroom setting and they are both good with children. That's not to say there aren't differences, and after so many years with someone it does take some getting used to. Dan hated people being late; N is chronically late. But he's not inconsiderate; it's because he often stops to talk to someone, or help them out, or because he just underestimates how long something will take. Dan was a very picky eater, and had no problem telling me when I made something he didn't like. N eats anything, and he is very complimentary when I feed him what I make (which is a few times a week). Dan had a habit of correcting people he loved, and teasing them about things they felt self conscious about, I think to try to get them to not be self conscious, like a kind of exposure therapy. But it often had the opposite effect. Like, I'm short, Dan was tall. I do not have long legs by any means and Dan used to call them tree trunks. I know he did not mean to be hurtful, but it was hard not to internalize the comment. I mentioned to N how I hate my legs and he was incredulous; he said he loves them. And he actually likes the fact that I am so short because he is only a few inches taller. And once I got used to the differences, I've come to appreciate them. And I have felt conflicted about that, but honestly? I love Dan, I truly truly love Dan, but I spent a lot of time with him walking on eggshells. There were wonderful times too, laughter and private jokes, affection and compliments, don't misunderstand. I know Dan loved me deeply, but sometimes it feels like N likes me more than Dan did. There are a lot of similarities, and differences as well. I do think they would have liked each other a lot, under different circumstances.

Congratulations!

See, I think the thing that makes him a tool is the whole "he has been "agonizing" over what to do" part. Because to me it reads as, "I've been trying to decide if you're worth it." He could have presented it much differently. His approach was very self centered, in my opinion.

You know, from my observations, it seems like the distance thing is one area where people have really unrealistic expectations. Some people search their whole lives for their perfect match, and you expect him/her to live right down the street? And it's something that seems to be an issue on both sides, the people my fellow widows are meeting, and sometimes the widows themselves. I don't get it, like super long distance I get, but I've heard of people complaining about a half hour. My boyfriend lives a half hour away; it's not a huge deal.

I have an easier time with elderly couples than I used to, but seeing two parent families still gets to me. Seeing two parents parenting together, that's rough.

Ha! Someone beat me to it, well sort of: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/501799583464216662/

Maybe if we all bomb Pinterest with images of our shitty driveways it'll just become a thing.

I'm sorry you are going through this but I am definitely adopting the term, "fuck it spree."

You said it all, right there. If she is resentful she needs to get over it. Your mom needs extra help right now. It isn't forever. It's not like you're taking advantage of her; you truly cannot manage it. Even if Tim was alive, you still have a child at home and she doesn't, you are working and she isn't. The fact that you don't have your coparent to pitch in is only one piece of the puzzle. Fairness isn't about doing an equal share; it's about dividing responsibilities up in ways that are reasonably manageable for each party. I got complete "asking for help" burnout there for awhile. People were always telling me to do it, but I got so sick of the look on people's faces when I could tell they really didn't want to do it, or apologizing because I couldn't reciprocate. My boyfriend offers help a lot, but some of that is sort of conflicting to me. I'm working through some of that, but it does take work.

This makes total sense to me. Do I fit a firm diagnosis of PTSD? Probably not. Have I been highly traumatized by my husband's death? Hell yes. Just these past couple days I've had a visceral physical and emotional response to my boyfriend being sick. It caused horrible memories to flood back in. I'm doing okay for the most part. But certain things...Like last year, when a friend posted a series of memes joking about alcoholism, and particularly liver failure. I was in my car and I just started sobbing, and crying, "He was a human being!" that's how traumatic it is to have your husband's death reduced to a trope. I was there; I saw and felt what happens to a body when your body when your liver shuts down. More recently, stepping into the funeral home for my FIL turned me into a sobbing, shaking mess. For a while before I moved out of state last year I got on Lexapro and started seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma. I highly recommend this to any widow, as very few specialize in grief, and I didn't find the rest very helpful. But she had specific techniques. As far as meds go, as a lifelong sufferer of OCD I can tell you that often meds just situate you so that you are able to participate most effectively in therapy, or to reset your brain enough to get you through a particularly bad period. I'm back on Lexapro, but for my OCD now rather than trauma. I also keep Xanax on hand, and I did have to take one yesterday, but I very rarely use it.

He's home and I'm with him. Fever seems to be down. Doctor thinks it's viral. I feel like it might seem like I'm a little crazy but. When Dan went to the doctor we thought it was a minor issue. Four days later he was gone.

He is at the doctor's office now. I spoke to his mother and she said she is not worried but she understands that this is hard for me. I made arrangements for DD and am waiting near his house to get word. I know he doesn't want to get me sick but I am losing my mind right now.

Just got a text from his mom. She said he did not seem better but they sent him home because his fever was down. She made a doctor's appointment for him this afternoon. She said he did not want calls so I texted him. But I AM a fucking mess. I am so scared right now.

And I have been trying not to freak out. We went to his mom's for dinner. He and I were watching TV with my DD, and he mentioned that he was cold. He is NEVER cold. As DD and I were getting ready to leave, he went out side to warm up. I hugged him and he felt warm, I asked if he felt okay and he said no, quite emphatically. When I got home his mom called saying that he had a fever, so I called him. He said he would go to the doctor in the morning. But about an hour later the fever still wasn't down, it was a little higher so his mom, a retired nurse, took him to the ER. His pulse was high, and his bp slightly high. I asked her to keep me updated and she did, for the most part, but I woke up around 1:30 and hadn't heard anything so I texted. She said she didn't want to wake me, but they thought he was dehydrated, did labs to see if it was a bacterial infection and it wasn't. He texted at 4, saying he was home. I am really freaked out. Having a 4 year old at home, I couldn't go to him. And while he understood my need for updates, I'm not sure his mom did, and I tried to be careful in explaining that to her, but I couldn't say, you know, "my husband, and many husbands of widows I know went to the ER for a minor issue and then died, so I'm really worried about that happening to your son." He was just really sick a couple weeks ago. I've encountered people widowed by the flu. He's 34 and only slightly overweight, but we all know what can happen. I just really want to see him, but I also don't want to disturb him this morning.

UPDATE: The crank holes are supposed to be threaded but ours aren't! This makes me a huge crank hole. Boyfriend offered to exchange the bike and start all over. Awesome. Wasted an entire evening. FUCK YOU HUFFY!

I knew that I wasn't interested in seeing anybody else when I was getting ready to meet another guy for lunch I thought, "I sure wish I was having lunch with N instead." I had figured I should continue to see other people, that it wouldn't be a good idea to presume where things were going with N. But after that lunch I thought, "Screw that, N is the only one I want to see, and regardless of what he thinks, if he's the only one I want to make time for, that's what I'm going to do." That didn't mean we were in an exclusive relationship at that point, or even that I was ready for one, but just that I really liked him and wanted to spend my time getting to know him rather than seeing what else was out there. I can't say when I definitively knew I wanted to be in a relationship with him, in part because it was gradual and in part because I think I was in denial about it for a bit. I didn't really think I would develop the feelings I did for him. I thought more that I wanted to find companionship and sex, but deep love? I don't think I thought that was possible, but it happened. I'm not sure when he stopped seeing other people but I think it was around the same time. He told me that at one point we had gone a couple dates and been texting, talking on the phone, and he was doing the same with this other woman. He was talking about it with a friend of his, and his friend pointed out that while the other woman seemed okay, N didn't get excited about her the way he did when talking about "museum girl," as they referred to me at the time. Like he lit up when talking about me. So we are at something of a disadvantage when giving advise to you, because you can tell a lot about how someone feels about someone from their demeanor and body language.

Fuck Huffy. Fuck the fact that two people with Master's degrees could not get the pedals on, because they do not fucking fit and her party is tomorrow. Fuck the fact that when I contacted customer service, they instructed us to do exactly what we've been doing for two days. Fuck the fact that I have to be 100% on point all the time to keep this stupid house of cards I've had to construct together but everybody else gets to phone shit in and fuck shit up. Fuck looking crazy in front of BF when he offered to take it to a bike shop because I can't bring myself to rely on his help in that way. Fuck letting him anyway. Fuck the fact that I have avoided and or dreaded birthday celebrations for her because they are so painful and when I finally start looking forward to one, the big gift is a fail, and it's going to be a million fucking degrees out.

Here you go: https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/repay-loans/forgiveness-cancellation/public-service

TS, I can only imagine how deflating this must be. Even when you KNOW they are wrong, it's still demoralizing. I am not in academia as you know, but the museum world and non-profit work in general has me pretty disillusioned these days. There is just so much hypocrisy and bullshit. I've put in 8 years; that means I have to put in two more to get half my student loans forgiven. And my problem is, I don't really know what else I would do; I have a very specialized set of skills. I know you have the ability to take your skills and ambitions elsewhere to get the rewards and recognition you deserve; I'm just really sorry you're in a position where you have to.

TA, I'm really glad you found us here. To answer your question, I think the circumstances of this particular break-up would be particularly hard, even if your weren't widowed. Your grief makes it even harder, but to break up with someone you love, because you think it is for the best, is so difficult, and incredibly brave. To be honest, I sometimes wonder if that's the approach I should have taken with Dan, if he or I or both would have been better off. But that's neither here nor there, I didn't, couldn't. Have you spoken to someone, a counselor, about strategies for dealing with this? It might help.