MrsDan

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THIS!!!!!!!! When I met my boyfriend I wouldn't say it was oh yes this is the one but I did notice how so very genuinely nice he seemed. He made little gestures that were not at all forced and he was very easy to talk to. It really struck me; I mean I dated others that were nice enough, meaning they weren't unkind or anything like that. But nothing like N. And I made the conscious decision to prioritize that above all else. So we kept seeing each other, and found myself more and more attracted to him. Because I realized he had more of the qualities I find attractive than I realized at our first couple meetings. He's incredibly funny and smart, for example and I really didn't see how much very early on. He was nice, and we were a super high ethics match, and I decided to see where that would lead. And now, I mean the attraction is absolutely explosive. I'm not saying that is what will happen with you and this guy. I'm just saying I am so glad I gave this room and time, because the rewards have been amazing.

One of the hardest things to lose when Dan died were all the inside jokes. Dan and I had so many inside jokes. I was listening to an album on the way to work, and realized that Dan and I referenced that album a lot. Some I hadn't thought about in a long time. Of course, I have inside jokes with other people, especially my sister. But there is something very singular about having them with your significant other. My BF and I have inside jokes. It's something I really and truly missed about being in a loving, committed relationship.

You know Julester, I'm not sure what it is. There's no anniversary or significant date coming up. I am unhappy at work, and in a tremendous amount of physical pain. Maybe those two things are draining my reserves. I do recall in the early days really struggling more when I was extra tired. I spent part of my morning crying in my office. I don't feel like that's happened in a long time.

Lol, I think I had about 103 likes when I changed my status. Now, a number of them were friends of his, so they really have nothing to do with widowhood. But the majority were mine. I think a lot probably wanted to let me know they did not have a problem with it. But I think for many, they see it as a barometer of recovery, of feeling better. Since we know it's more complex than that, it does make the excessive likes absurd. Oh and your mom. Last year when I told my mom about N, she said, "it's the best Christmas gift I could have gotten." That's odd, considering she doesn't really care about me or my life at all. I guess maybe she was happy for my daughter, like she thought this would be good for her?

Thank you. I thought I was climbing out of it but I think that was an illusion. Lately I've been wondering what kind of mother I would have been if Dan hadn't died. I think part of what I'm grieving is that relationship, that experience. Because I hate the mother I am now. I am crabby and tired and said and impatient. And yet, she still cries for me, still loves me so much. We would have been married ten years this year. Instead he feels so far away, like a stranger. I lost almost my entire family in the wake of his death. My boyfriend wanted to see some photos of me before we met so I sent him a picture me when I was little, and my sister, who was a teenager then was holding me. BF insisted on showing DD, and she asked who she (my sister) was. "Just someone I used to know." The remaining family member I still have a relationship[p with, I don't feel like we have much to talk about anymore. I hate my job. I am constantly invalidated, which is completely demoralizing. I am completely disillusioned with my field, and yet I am not qualified for anything else. I am in pretty much constant pain. A few years ago on the old board I posted about a doctor's visit in which the doctor attributed my pain to grief. It wasn't nearly as severe then. Now, I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I have shooting searing pain in my hips and legs all the time. I am the heaviest I have ever been and I don't think that is helping I hate my life. And after all this time, when I wake up each day, I still cannot believe that he drank so much that his liver shut down and that he hemorrhaged and died. I just can't believe that he died.

It's interesting that you put it this way, "guilt at happiness" because although I don't feel particularly guilty about being with another man, I do feel guilty that I am finding happiness. Like, how can I be happy when Dan is dead?! I don't think my guilt stems from my boyfriend being the source of that happiness. More like I shouldn't be happy at all. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel guilty at how integrated my BF has become into Dan's family. Because he's there instead of Dan, I don't know. One thing that helps is that I really think Dan would think very highly of N, and under different circumstances they would have been friends. I think N is the kind of man Dan would want in his daughter's life, and I hope he would appreciate the kindness and acceptance N has shown my ILs.

I don't know if this helps, but I thought the very same thing (and there are plenty of people on this board who I think can attest to the walls that I put up). I really didn't think I was capable of the relationship that I now have, but it happened.

I have been doing a lot better lately but I am really struggling this week. I guess I just wanted to tell people who understand it's still a struggle.

I have long thought, even before I started dating, that a lot of wids are way too hard on those who date widows yet are unwidowed themselves. I find it exceptionally unfair to expect people not to feel jealousy or hurt. I had the privilege of being Dan's one and only and that is a tremendous feeling. Why would we begrudge anyone for wanting that? BF has been consistently understanding about Dan. But still, I do check in with him regularly about it. Because I think it makes sense that as feelings for someone grow, what they can and cannot handle in this arena would shift. I asked him the other day if it bothers him when I post pictures of Dan and his response was, "Nope." However, I do generally save the commentary for Dan's wall. I know in my head that I love both of these men, that my love for one doesn't take away from the other. And yet, I don't know if I could handle dating a widow. I know, it is completely hypocritical. I sure as shit know I wouldn't have been able to handle it if I was not widowed. I really don't know how my BF does it.

DoE, I understand your difficulties with the revelation. It would be a moral issue for me as well, but I suspect I would have as much of a problem with him keeping it to himself until now. My BF kept something HUGE from me until after the first few dates. I completely understand why he did; the circumstances were complicated and such that it makes sense why he held off. Plus, he had no obligation to me on those first few dates. He did want to tell me, and after a few dates and phone conversations he did. I am very understanding about it, but still, I wish it hadn't needed to be that way. In your case, I mean two years? That would bug me. I'm sure it wasn't easy to tell you, but after everything I've been through, "It's hard" doesn't really fly with me as an excuse.

I don't know if we qualify as budding anymore, as BF (N) and I have been together a little over a year. But the new(er)ness of it is one of the things that makes it very different from my relationship with Dan. I think we've moved, and are moving, at a very healthy pace. Dan and I were together for almost 15 years, lived together for nine, married for five. We started dating at twenty one, and we were only eleven days apart in age. There was a security that we built over that time. A reassurance that one fight or bad mood wasn't going to end it, a confidence that we were both in it for the long haul. And frankly, I miss that. I think some of my anxiety stems from the fact that N has never been married or cohabited with anyone. So I worry about being too clingy, or pushing too hard. I don't remember worrying about those things as much in my early twenties. Maybe I should have, but I don't know that I did. In many ways, I think N and I are more compatible. Or maybe it's a result of my widowhood and the circumstances surrounding it, that make me work harder at letting things go, which makes the relationship seem easier. Maybe it's both. Dan spent a lot of time I think trying to toughen me up; he didn't hold back and sometimes it came off hurtful. His perspective would be, "Why are you being such a bitch?" Because I really think he thought, "You're better than that." N's approach is different. Yesterday I was really stressed out, emotionally overwhelmed about some things. We were on an outing with his family. He noticed and commented that I seemed stressed out. I apologized, and he said there was no reason to apologize, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. Then when we got back to the house and I mentioned I hadn't really eaten much that day, he made me eat some pancakes. For me, one of the hardest things has just been dealing with how radically different my life is from before Dan died. Our daughter was just three months old, so parenthood is a huge part of that change. Most of our life Dan and I were childless. I have a different job, am living in another state, am estranged from most of my old friends and family. And I have a boyfriend. I love him very much. But I also love Dan, and wrapping my head around that is hard sometimes.

Fuck people who can't send even send a fucking email in a nice tone. Fuck people who simply have to be mean. Fuck toxic workplaces. Fuck this shit.

I got a memorial tattoo on my upper right arm about a year after he died. It's a bear, holding onto a tree, drawn in such a way that it also looks like it's holding my arm. On the inside of my arm is a note from him. My boyfriend loves it, in fact he commented on it when he first messaged me (we met online).

Um ... what the absolute fuck? I've seen dual profiles a couple of times, mostly when someone forgets how to log into their first account! Take care, Rob T Dan had two profiles. One used a nick name, and was him at his most real and personal. That was the profile I was "married" to. He also had a profile that used his real name. He used that profile for patrons, board members, certain coworkers, and some family members. Dan was a children's librarian, and very much loved, so people wanted to friend him on Facebook, and he also announced library programs there. Because Dan was completely irreverent, he also wanted to post where it wouldn't adversely affect his career. So he had that profile too. There was a lot of overlap in the friends list.

I never had to worry about the cable or Internet, never had to call Comcast. Dan always took care of it. I never had to worry about talking to any vendors on the phone. Dan handled that. I never had to make sure the taxes got done. Dan stayed on me to get him his paperwork so that he could them done right away. I didn't have to take the dogs to the vet, generally Dan stayed on top of that .

I just wanted to point out the immense wisdom in this statement.

I'm sorry you guys are in this position. Essentially you are taking a gamble either way - on finding a better arrangement or going with this one and making it work. I do know that you have been unappreciated and unhappy for a long time. Security is huge, and worth a very high cost. But how high? Let's take Andy out of the equation for a minute. How long could you sustain being undervalued? How long could you realistically continue in this frustrated state? Until M graduates from high school? Maybe, but is that fair to you? Granted, it would be easier if the two of you didn't have one another's professional considerations to contend with. Maybe you would find something that feeds your soul. I fully recognize that what you would be going to would not perform that for you, but it might provide the opportunity to explore a different path. This is just the rambling of someone who has always struggled to find meaning in her professions. I've simply never felt rewarded professionally in the way I do with my relationships. So my opinion is probably not helpful. So I'll just stop and say this sucks! and I validate you.

I feel for you, because I went through this, not with my boyfriend, but with Dan. He just plain didn't want to get married, and to be perfectly honest, I kind of had to push him into moving in together. And it hurt. I knew he loved me, but then if he loved me, why didn't he want to take that step. I think it came down to the fact that his parents' marriage was very rough for a time, and my parents was for the most part pretty good. His fought all the time, mine maybe a couple times a year. My boyfriend's parents are divorced, and I worry about that impacting his thoughts on marriage. And I'm not even sure where I stand on marriage. He's never been married. It's funny, we've talked vaguely about "the future", but not marriage or living together, although we have talked about the possibility of more kids, and we've worked on cultivating relationships with each other's kids. It's possible I may find myself in that situation again, and I remember how hard it was. My first thought when reading this was that the holidays are hard when you've been through all different kinds of difficulties; they just have a way of dredging up shit. And then you mentioned seasonal affective issues. You know I think it's possible he's feeling particularly emotionally vulnerable at this moment and anything that involves making decisions that are so weighty might just be too overwhelming right now. That, plus the fact that he's going through a medication adjustment make me think that maybe this isn't the best time to be making these decisions right now. Maybe it's best to give it a few months and see where things stand. Although, at that time it may also be worth examining whether this kind of withdrawal is something he can work through or if it' something that's just going to keep recurring, and if that is something you can live with.

What's funny is I hear over and over, meet sooner rather than later, don't message too long, it means they're married or whatever. My boyfriend and I messaged for about six weeks! Not a lot at first. In the beginning I was seeing someone I thought had potential, and when that guy ghosted, I was wary. But my BF was persistent. He did think I was a little stand offish, but figured that as long as I kept responding, he'd keep trying. I kept responding because although he didn't say much, I just felt like there was something about him. Then one day we finally had a more extensive exchange, and decided to meet. People often say that they don't want to waste time messaging, but I guess it depends on what kind of time you have to waste. For me, it was nothing to message someone, I could do it whenever. But a date; that required time away from my daughter, and a babysitter. If I was going to do that, I wanted to do more vetting. I think the only deal breakers I had was no addiction issues, and they had to be good with me having a kid. My boyfriend drinks very rarely, and although I could have dealt with someone who drank a bit more, I like that he doesn't. He and I each have one child. I think we would both like to have another, but have concerns about having three. It's a little different for me, because before he and I met, I was sort of reconciling myself to the fact that I probably wouldn't have another. But being with him is one of the things that is sort of reawakening that need for me. But do I want a child more than I want to stay with him? No. It's not a deal breaker. I think there is so much pressure in this society to be happy that we carve out these templates for making that happen. If a person doesn't seem to meet that template, then we move on. But the thing is, sometimes that person fits that template more than we realize initially. I didn't knowhow hilariously funny my boyfriend is, or even how smart. The only thing I really came away with at our first meeting was that he was nice. So nice, that I made a conscious effort to focus on that. And the fact that we were a high match, especially ethically. Because that was what I truly needed. Other stuff can be great, or get in the way. But someone who is truly nice who shares the same value system, that is a foundation you can build upon. Even attraction is idealized a bit. I don't think either of us anticipated that it would become as incredible as it has. One more thing. It's easy to get discouraged about what people are looking for. I remember messaging my boyfriend about a bunch of cooking I was doing for the week ahead. At first I thought, oh this is really boring, I should try to be more interesting. But then I thought, fuck it, he asked about my day, and this is my life, and if it's not exciting enough for him, then maybe I'm not for him. I was done playing games. I was myself, and it didn't scare him away. The same thing happened to a coworker of mine. She met a guy online, then at their first date she decided she wasn't really interested. So she was completely genuine, said whatever she wanted to say without bs-ing. She was surprised when at the end her date said, "So when can I see you again?" They're married now.

My family used to have this thing where we did a homemade Secret Santa. We each got a name, and then made something for that person. It freaked us all out a bit at first, because none of us is particularly crafty, but it worked out well; people tried to really tailor things to the person they got. So I'm thinking while something like that might be a little clunky for you guys at first, it may help the kids get to know each other. I'm also thinking games might be good: https://www.tinyprints.com/inspiration/christmas-party-games.htm Also, maybe a traditional yearly gift, like every body get s new pair of pajamas, or slippers, or something like that? That you all open Christmas eve? Maybe also do a little research on Christmas traditions based on your ethnicity? This year we are planning on spending Christmas Eve with my boyfriend's dad, and Christmas Day with his moms. The day after Christmas we are traveling to see my MIL, because that's her birthday. I have been very fortunate in that my BF and Dan's family have been very open to having a positive relationship with one another. And I no longer participate in my own family's holidays. The one thing I'm nervous about is I invited my BF to spend Christmas Eve night and therefore Christmas morning with DD and I. I'm only nervous, because that's a bit of a trigger for me, because Dan and I never got one with Kiera, and also, I find myself asking, as a mom, is this okay? Too soon? We've been together a year, and it feels right. But I still find myself questioning my judgment.

I kept everything. Everything. The only thing in the first few years I gave away was one of his video gaming guitars to his sister when she got married. This past summer, I did throw away some trash, but mostly I just organized things a bit better. I recently gave his brother all his Rock Band gaming gear. (Dan was an incredibly skilled recreational gamer but it was also part of his professional life; as a children's librarian he held tournaments at his library and others). I know these things are just stuff, but they are so HIM. I always figured it was fine because I didn't need the space. But more recently there has been an unexpected development on that front. I'm thinking at some point my boyfriend will live together. And currently there isn't room for his stuff. So there's a practical reason, but one that makes me feel really guilty. Like I'm getting rid of Dan's stuff to make room for another man's. But I do have an added bit of weirdness to my hoarding: my stuff. I no longer wear almost any of my old clothes. It's too painful; it's part of my old life. Yet I can't get rid of them. Or rather, I've been unable to. When I do finally initiate a purge, that's where I'll probably start.

Thank you. Everything everybody said makes sense, so I really appreciate it. It's just so frustrating because DD is like what MrsKro described; the model child at school who everybody loves. I want N to get to see that, lol. I'm working on how I handle the behavior when she does it with me, and maybe N can adopt them as well. Because the strategies I've been using and they are not really N's style anyway.

Hey Ursula!