MrsDan

I'm not sure what I will do. I used to assume I would tell her, because like you I am worried about genetic predisposition. However, I'm not sure any more. I am an adult and know logically that addiction is a disease. Nevertheless, I still feel abandoned. I don't want my daughter to feel that way. A lot of people may tell us we have to do this or that, but I believe I know what's best for my child. I think I would prefer to focus on the man, rather than the disease. And that may very well be what I tell her. That it doesn't matter how he died, only that he loved her and would be here with her if he could.

This is so freaking high school I can't stand it. Really. You deserve better, and when I say better, I mean someone who knows how to communicate fairly. But as someone who tolerated a lot of shit from someone I loved deeply, I understand it's not so simple. In my case, the person in question was suffering from a psycho-physical disease. But while it was not his fault, and there were many wonderful aspects of our relationship, I would never enter into a relationship with someone suffering from that disease again. My sense and hope is that you will recover from this and may even find yourself in a much healthier relationship with someone who can and will give you what you need. And when that time comes, I have a feeling you may find yourself asking what on Earth made you ever tolerate what this woman did, or longed to have her back. But it will take time. I believe that time will come faster if you completely cut yourself off from her. I also believe you know that. And I validate the fact that it is not easy.

"Are you dominant?"

I had something of a breakthrough yesterday that I wanted to share. For the newer folks, my husband died from alcoholic liver failure four years ago next month. Our daughter was 3 months old. We also had two beautiful dogs, and my husband loved his job. He had everything. But he was secretly drinking. I have struggled over the last four years trying to understand. He had everything. We loved each other for 15 years. He was adored by everyone. Why wasn't it enough? Our marriage, our daughter? I know it's a disease. I know that. But there's still that barrier, one I think many of you share, that always takes me back to why? Why weren't we enough? Anyway, yesterday, my boyfriend and I were talking. He has been wonderfully supportive about my grief and my husband. Anyway, he said, "Dan had a hole. And it wasn't a Chris shaped hole, or a K (our daughter) shaped hole, or a Gracchus (our dog) shaped hole, or a job shaped hole. There was nothing in his life that was the shape of that hole, but drinking. For whatever reason." I don't know why, if it's something about the metaphor he used, or the fact that I have an emotional connection to him that I've been unable to form with anybody else since my husband's death or what, but man. That really hit me. It really resonated. I'm not saying it makes me okay, or that I've fully accepted that truth, just that it moved me further along than anything else has. So I had to share it here.

Thanks all. After I posted this I closed my office door and cried. I got off of work early and my boyfriend came by. I told him I'd had a hard time that day, that I was feeling very low. He thanked me for telling him. WE were chatting for a bit and he mentioned that we have a pretty big milestone coming up, almost a year. I asked if he meant when we started talking or when he met. He said, he was thinking when we met. But then he said, "I just wanted you to know that at this time of year, you're not alone." I don't think he could have said anything more perfect right at that moment.

What a gut punch. I'm sorry.

It's coming. I can see it on the horizon, like a tsunami. I can feel it a bit today; it is cool, and being right before Labor day, the official end of summer and beginning of fall. It was a perfect fall day when he went into the hospital. It was fall when I buried him. Fall when it all imploded. I am managing okay most of the time. Spring, which is typically hard because it's when we started dating, was better this year as I focused on my new relationship. I'm trying really hard to focus on the fact that my boyfriend and I met in the fall; it was just about this time when we started talking online, and we met in early November. But I can't imagine a time when all the markers of fall - the smell and crunch of the leaves, the pumpkin spice everything, the pulling out of sweaters, the cool crispness to the air will not send me spiraling back deep into that hell. I hate fall.

I assumed this would be my view as well, that I wouldn't want anyone to know, because they would make presumptions about my grief or feelings for Dan. But when I started falling for N, I found the opposite to be true. I wanted to gush about him. My only concern was making sure Dan's family heard it from me. I told his siblings and good friends over the phone; his parents I made sure I told in person. There were some people I believe, who got the impression that I was "better" to the point that they approached me after a period of zero contact. That I found irksome, but that's about it. All of our good family and friends know, but for reasons involving issues of custody and parenting time with his daughter, his ex doesn't know, so we are not public on Facebook yet. And that bothers me, which makes me feel entirely silly. I think it's because as a widow, it feels like a big deal to no longer be "married to Dan" on Facebook, but I'm ready to do that for N. I have no desire to list myself as widowed or single, but would be happy to say that I'm in a relationship with N. Instead of the choice being guided by my negotiation of my grief and feelings, it's being dictated by this horrible person. There are other reasons why I would really like her to know about me that I won't go into. I mean, I don't even feel I can post a picture of us here. But basically, I really thought I would feel the way you do but I don't. So I think your feelings, and mine are equally valid.

Oh honey I am so sorry. I also know the pain and frustration with the doctor, as I believe the doctor Dan was regularly seeing and describing his symptoms to should have known his liver was failing. I am so sorry. I wish words had more power.

I understand. The 4 year anniversary is coming up in October. We're in a stretch of cooler weather right now, and it's triggering. (Also, apparently fall is a BFD in Michigan, which I did not realize before I moved here.). I can feel the anniversary bearing down on me, and it's made me extra weepy lately. I feel like I'm living a double existence. There's the life I had with Dan and the life I've built now. It's weird how much they coexist.

I get this, because my IL's house was, and still is, very difficult for me. When we started dating he still lived at home, we went and hung out there on our first. We spent a lot of time there. I lost my virginity there, he proposed there, we had out rehearsal dinner there, I could go on and on. I tried to explain that avoiding the house was not personal; it was just so so painful. I'm not sure they really understood (although maybe MIL does now that she's widowed). But my SIL does, she's told me she understands because she can't stand being there, can't sleep when she's visiting, etc. I told my ILs about N once we were in an exclusive relationship. When I told his parents, my MIL jumped up and hugged me. I sensed that it may have been a bit more difficult for my FIL, but he was very warm and friendly to N when they met. Since then, my MIL constantly asks about him. When she came to visit last month, we spent a lot of time together, and when he left she hugged him and called him honey. The only member of Dan's immediate family who N has not met is his sister, who has expressed happiness for me. I think, like you MIL, and everyone else could not stand to see me so sad. I also think there is a part of them that realizes that although it may be difficult for them to contemplate, it truly is good for DD to have someone like N in her life. All this is to say that the one time I visited my IL's house and had N with me was the easiest time I've had being there since Dan died. I'm not saying it's easy, but easier. N calms me; he has this way of quelling the grief panic I feel at times. I remember one time I'd had to go back there, the first time, I think since N and I had started dating. I had to go from my IL's to my house (the one I'm renting out), and I'd stopped at the cemetery. I started bawling, that ugly panicked screaming cry. N called, and just hearing his voice helped calm me down. It wasn't anything e said; I didn't even mention the meltdown. I've been truly astounded and how supportive everyone, including N and his family, as well as Dan's closest friends and family, have been. And how not weird it feels. It's possible they are putting up a front, or maybe partially. I'm sure it's not easy. It was really incredible at DD's birthday party. My MIL, BIL and his family, Dan's cousin, my mom, my sister, and N and his parents and step parents were all there. And everybody got along really well and it felt good. the only thing that felt weird was that it didn't feel more weird. I've had some rocky moments with Dan's parents as you know. Things have gotten better, but still I really didn't expect them to handle this as well as they have. So while you may find you have trouble moving forward with your ties to the past, in my experience it's possible to integrate. Maybe you need a temporary reprieve from that space. Maybe find a nearby restaurant, and schedule regular lunches/dinners? I understand because it' s still not easy. I'm going to visit MIL twice in October, one time at her house and another time at her vacation trailer to help her close it up. N is planning to come with me when I stay at her house, and that makes it much less daunting for me.

FUCK you to my brother and his whole family for treating my mother like a second class citizen for their whole lives. Fuck the fact that I found out his son is expecting a baby because his girlfriend of a few months posted it on Facebook and tagged him. Fuck that she did so before anyone bothered to tell my mother or my sister, and so all their douchey friends knew before his grandmother and aunt. Fuck the fact that it was news to my sister when I told her, and fuck the fact that I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't know. I don't care for myself; I haven't spoke to my brother or any member of his family for over two years and have no real plans to do so. But fuck them all for the disrespect they show my mother. Oh and fuck the fact that this girls gets to keep having kids and I'll never have another baby. And fuck me for getting upset about that, because I'm supposed to be okay with not having another one.

I don't have any experience with this either since DD was only three months old when her father died. I actually have kind of the opposite problem as I sense she wants someone in that role to a degree (although she's never said new dad). I think your kids are old enough to understand that at some point they will go off into the world and you will be alone. How you communicate that to them depends on their personalities. Maybe it's weaving heart to hearts about it into daily conversations, maybe it's flat out telling them that when they get married, you'll be moving in with them. You know, since they intend on being the source of your companionship forever. I feel like it's a process. Sometimes people need to hear things over and over or from different people before they click. Do they have any aunts or uncles, or friends of yours that they trust who could give you some back up in reassuring them?

Sorry, but the comparison is not apt. It's a very different thing to endure heartbreak once you've started experiencing life through the lens of trauma. Also, I don't recall if mikeeh has children, but I found it very painful when I was chided about the fact that I had my child, as she should be enough to help me through this loss. I'm sorry but she isn't. I feel very guilty about it, but it's the truth. My daughter is very much like my husband and there is comfort in that, there is just as much pain, sometimes even more. I've not had a post-loss break up yet, but it seems to me that the two events have the power to compound the trauma of each other. My relationship has been tremendous for me in pulling me out of the ravine of abject despair. the thought of being back in that ravine terrifies me, so I have tremendous sympathy for mikeeh. That said, and I acknowledge I do not know this woman and have only heard one side, but she sounds like a complete piece of work. Keeping you at arm's length while reeling you in emotionally is not fair and not right. And now she's trying to situate herself as someone who did you a favor? Please. I'm sorry but no. When words do not reflect actions, you don't get to fall back on your words. This reminds me of relationships I've heard of where the other person does all these wonderful things and acts like they are in a full fledged relationship but they refuse to say I love you. And usually the response is, "Oh actions speak louder than words." I mentioned this the other night when my boyfriend and I were discussing us, and got on the subject of relationships in general, and he said, "No, what those people are doing is keeping an "out" for themselves. So that if they decide they don't want to be in the relationship anymore, they can always say, 'Hey I never said I love you!" At the same time, they can justify not saying I love you by doing really good things. In my opinion a relationship should have both. Actions that show love, and words that communicate it and where two people stand with each other. In all likelihood you will learn something from this experience. Personally, I hope it's you deserve far better than this, because you absolutely do.

One thing that really aggravated me were all the guys who were looking for "active" women. Women who lived lives of non-stop excitement. One guy even said, "You'd better keep up." I'm a mom. My life is not exciting. I feel like anyone can appear fun when you're in a fun setting doing fun things. Sort of like The Bachelor, where they are always in these exotic locales. The people you can bring joy and fun to the everyday, to real life, that's who makes a good partner in my opinion. Someone you're perfectly content to do absolutely nothing with. With my boyfriend, I was honest, and the fact that he didn't run away when he'd ask about my weekend and I'd talk about how I did my cooking for the week, is pretty telling.

I completely disagree. This may not be what YOU care about. But it is what some men do care about. My boyfriend said that what he was really looking for was someone who had their shit together (pause for laughter at the fact that he ended up with me). But what he meant was, he was looking for someone with a good foundation or solid goals to get there. Someone who has things they are passionate about. I would definitely say he is interested in self improvement. He also does yoga and meditates. While I believe one should keep the person they are trying to attract in mind, I don't believe those things are as gendered as you do. I think you should write your profile with the person who are trying to attract in mind. If self improvement is important to her, why on Earth would she want to go out with someone who doesn't care about her self improvement? Or who only cares about what a potential partner can offer them? That sounds completely unappealing to me. You're operating from the assumption that those are the only type of guys available.

I think the difference is that most single people construct lives for single people and handle it accordingly while most of us have lives built for two, and now there's only one to keep it going. For me, it's usually more about holding the burden of things myself, when Dan and I built a life built for two. Dan wasn't really very handy, and I had to nag him incessantly, but if something broke, even if neither of us could fix it, we got to share in the stress. And the other thing is having to deal with things he used to, it makes the hole he left feel even emptier. Like, one of the things Dan was in charge of was calling to complain if a bill was incorrect, or service was poor or whatever. He always handled that because he was great with people. I would just get on the phone and be a bitch, but Dan would be diplomatic and ultimately get better results. One of the things I loved admired about him was how good he was with people, how warm and engaging. Having to make those calls reminds me of that and makes me feel worse about having to do them. I do think I let some of my fears and anxieties get the better of me pre-widowhood and I no longer have the luxury of doing so. I was complaining about my BIL and his wife, and how easily overwhelmed they seem to be to my boyfriend. He was understanding but said, "You have to remember that not everybody is as capable as you." But I wasn't always this way. If I'm capable it's because I have to be. And that's where I think some of my resentment (and some of the attitudes of the widows Calimom references) stems from. that other people have the luxury of learned helplessness and I don't. In addition, like SF, I had to take on more and more towards the end of Dan's life because of his illness. I have some residual resentment about that.

Fuck that it is 2016 and I'm still dealing with this old boys club shit.

I moved to another state last year. I did it for a job, which I thought was a better opportunity. It ended up setting off a whole host of changes, the biggest of which has been entering a new relationship. I wasn't itching to change like you are, but I've definitely seen the benefits. If your current job isn't your passion, can you identify what is and see if there's a living to be made in it?

I think many of us have spent the first few years following widowhood (and in your case some time before) in this survival mode, that's very much fight or flight. When that falls away, it's jolting. Sort of like when your muscles are clenched for some time, when you finally relax, there's some pain. Because the adrenaline that was shielding you from the effects of the stress on the muscle falls away. It's kind of an after shock. I think that can happen emotionally too. So maybe it's as much a response to the stress of being apart as it is stress over the future.

Not offending me at all. You know, I think I've been holding the thought of that type of full integration at arm's length, because I'm not sure it's realistic. It's not that I'm opposed to that notion, more like I just didn't want to get my hopes up. It also seems a little unbalanced, because my DD does not have her dad, but N's DD has a mother. So it's hard for me to envision a blended family scenario, and what's more, scary to hope for something that may not happen. But last night N and I had a really good conversation about our relationship and significantly, our relationships with each other's kids. He said something that really caught me off guard, in a very good way. We also talked about the possibility of more children, and the benefits and pitfalls of that. I feel like we're on the same page.

My boyfriend, N, and I have been together nine months. I have a DD, four years old, his DD is one year old. His relationship with her mother ended soon after she became pregnant, so he has also been a single parent for her whole life. My daughter was conceived via IVF, a procedure I now believe was made necessary by my husband's drinking; they never found any issues with me. I have four frozen embryos, which are still en storage. I told N about them soon after we started becoming serious. When Dan first died, I tabled any decision making about them. I told myself I wouldn't make any decisions about them for two years. Two years went by, and I still hadn't decided. There were a few issues in play 1. How would Dan feel about me carrying one to term, could I handle another child logistically/financially on my own, and 3., would it be fair to the child? I quickly determined Dan would be okay with whatever I decided. As time went on however, I began to realize, I really can't take on the responsibility for another on my own; I know a lot of people here have that responsibility, but it's a very different thing to take it on deliberately. And watching my daughter negotiate life without a dad, I began to feel that trying to have a baby with one of the embryos was not the right choice for me. I'm not saying it's wrong by any means, I just began to come to the decision that I couldn't do it. Most of these deliberations took place before I even considered dating, so that wasn't a factor. Because of this, I had come to view it in a very binary way; I'd either have a baby with one of the embryos, or I wouldn't have one at all. By the time I started seeing my boyfriend, I had pretty much reached the decision, that I wouldn't try to conceive with one of the embryos (although they are still in storage). I have been mourning that specific loss, without thinking too much about whether this is it for me as far as having children. Things are going well with N and I, we are integrating our lives bit by bit. There have been a lot of issues with his DD involving parenting time and legal custody, and trying to get that stabilized while growing a career and building a relationship with me, those are his main areas of focus. However, I'm wondering if we should have a conversation regarding where we each stand with having more children. Because lately, I've been feeling like maybe I could see having another. I'm doing better with other people pregnancies; my SIL is pregnant, and that news didn't sting as much as it might have earlier. But, there's still a twinge. I always expected DD to have a sibling, or at least a chance at one. Of course I always envisioned I'd be raising her with her dad too, but... Anyway, it's not a deal breaker for me. I love my boyfriend, and I see a future with him regardless. But if that future does not include more children, I guess I'd like to know if I should finish closing the door on it emotionally. Another thing is I will be 40 in a couple months, and he will be 35. Technically there's still time, though not a whole lot. So I guess I'm wondering, for those who felt the need, when did you bring this up? Did it freak your partner out? I don't want to scare him off, but it seems like something that should be discussed. I'm just not sure when the appropriate time would be.

Thanks all. For me, the board is different. I can stop reading anytime it's too much; in group, I can't just walk out of the room. Plus, I "know" people here. It also occurred to me that it might not help them to see someone who's four years out and still struggling. There's a lot of good in my life, but there is grief that never goes away. And that might be overwhelming to a newer widow.

I'm sitting here waiting for DD while she's in grief group. I wanted to make sure she got support after losing her grandfather, and I was concerned it might raise some issues or questions about her dad. They took her to anotherroom, and since she seems okay with it, I wanted to let her have that space. There's a widow group next door. They are new widows. I thought I might join them, but honestly? I can't go there. Hearing them talk, about missing his smell, about never imagining it being any better, it takes me back there. And it's not that I don't feel those things. It's just that they're too much for me. I can't sit in them. I can't unpack all that again. It's not that I don't grieve. I cried just this morning on the way to work. But it's something different than it was and I have to live with what it is and it still sucks. I just don't want to hang out with what it was. I don't know if that makes sense.

Solidarity. These days my sadness is broader, less sharply defined. But there. Always just there.