MrsDan

For me I'm more worried about how the choice would affect my daughter emotionally. But then, I've never been great with money. I think what makes financial sense for you will benefit him as well, right? Why lose income if a spiritual marriage will do? But I guess you would both have to be very clear that even if it's not legal, it's just as much of a commitment. I love having BF around, and I like the idea of integrating our lives. But I'm not sure about getting married again, and I worry about how cohabitating might negatively affect our DDs. Not because it's inherently bad, but because I to am an overthinker and I've seen a lot of articles on how it negatively impacts kids. Of course, those studies are based on averages, correlation isn't causation, etc. I also wonder if it would negatively affect the parenting time he gets if he's living with someone. I'm unsure about marriage in part because of the way my marriage to Dan ended. Not just that he died but because of the circumstances surrounding it and Dan's addiction. It's also hard for me to reconcile being married to two men, although I have learned to reconcile being in love with both of them. If I ever did remarry, the retirement funds Dan earned would go into a trust for DD. I know a lot of people would argue for fully shared assets, and I do think there's value in that. But that money is also something Dan can give to Kiera. He had very little opportunity to do much else for her. I know BF would understand. It has nothing to do with trust or faith in the relationship at all. It's about preserving the ability for Dan to do something for his daughter. My assets, I have no problem sharing, contributing to his DD's support. I do have some debt I'd like to shrink before getting married. Our other issue is children. I really never thought I'd ever have more children with another man, but lately that has become more open for discussion. I think I would like to get married before having another child. I know that's not an issue for you, but something that may be part of the equation for others here.

This is really a parenting question, but it specifically relates to my relationship so I'm posting it here. Back ground: DH died when DD was almost three months old. I started dating year three; my boyfriend, N, and I have been together a year, I introduced him to DD about 3-4 months in. He has an 18 month old daughter who he has two weekends a month. He usually comes over for dinner at least once a week, sometimes more; sometimes he spends the night, sometimes he doesn't. He also comes over sometimes right before, and after she's gone to bed. The weekends he doesn't have his daughter he'll often spend one of the days with us, playing with her, or helping me around the house, usually both. When he does have his DD, we have usually have Sunday breakfast with them, and occasionally extend it through lunch. DD loves N. She is excited whenever he comes over, enjoys his company. She's also quite fond of his DD, as she loves babies and really looks forward to when she's in town. However, she often gets, for lack of a better word, pissy with him. It's puzzling to me because she's not like that with other adults (except me). And it doesn't seem to be a case of "I don't want to share my mom go away," because she really likes him. In fact, although he hasn't been parenting as long as me, in many ways he's a lot better at it. He has an endless store of patience with her. He's more creative with redirection. She will often get bent about something really trivial, he tell her he's sorry if he upset her, he didn't mean to. I wonder if that's part of it, that he validates some of her crap. We've talked about that, and he has said that he did not want to step on my toes in terms of discipline. I told him he shouldn't be concerned about that. I trust his judgment and have no problem with him correcting her in the same way her grandparents or aunts or uncles would. And I've tried to situate their relationship in a similar way, to be as respectful to him as she would to her Aunt J for example. As I'm typing this I'm wondering if she's testing him to make sure he won't go away. She tests me, because she feels safe with me. So maybe she's pushing him to see if he'll still accept her? I don't know. One thing I'm fairly certain of is that I don't think this has anything really to do with Dan. She talks about him, references him when describing or drawing our family. She has never once tried to situate N as a dad. I tell stories about Dan in front of both of them. N joined us when we sang happy birthday to Dan, and has accompanied us on visits to Dan's family. Recently Kiera said she missed her Daddy, and asked N if he missed him to. N replied that he never meet her daddy, "But if I did, I'm sure I would miss him, because he sounds like a great guy." He's given us both the space to keep Dan integrated into our lives. So I'm just thinking about this a lot and trying to come up with some strategies. It helps to just write it out even, although if anyone wants to commiserate or has any advice I'm open to that too.

GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't understand why this is gendered. I think either party should "pursue" if they are interested. One distinction I should make though. Some men seem to avoid pursuing because they seem ambivalent or are waiting to see if something better will come along. But other guys are honestly shy, or because they are gentlemen. My BF initiated contact on OKCupid, but I asked him out first, I kissed him first. I also told him on the first date, you know, you can call me. The previous guy I'd gone out with a few times never ever called, only texted. It made me feel unworthy of his time. My boyfriend called me the day after our first date, and we soon were talking on the phone every night. I learned later that he was being very, very cautious about physical contact. Basically, he was being a gentleman. To Rob's point though, my boyfriend always referred to our getting together as dates, not just hanging out. I think both of us tried to strike a balance between showing interest and not acting over eager. I see a lot of people saying, the man should as me out, I could never ask him out. I don't get that at all. It doesn't seem generational. I'm forty, but it seems to come from people of different ages. I don't know if it's supposed to be a marker of chivalry. But to me it seems like there is as least some degree of slut shaming. A woman should not be so bold as to be the romantic, and ultimately sexual, aggressor. Please. Any guy who would have a problem with me asking me out is not someone I would have wanted to date.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fibro. Fuck this pain that is so excruciating I cannot fucking stand it. Fuck looking like a hundred years old when I try to walk. Fuck this this fucking hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!

tybec I've really struggled with this throughout my relationship with my boyfriend. I will say that it's gotten better over the last several months but there were plenty of times when it really had me down. I think time has helped in that our relationship has deepened and as a result the ground feels firmer under my feet. Like you, I've largely worked through it on my own, trying really hard not to get in my own way. Now and again I "check in" with him, to affirm where we're at and where we're headed, while trying not to obsess about it. It's an approach that' s been pretty successful, but it can be challenging at times.

How can this be? It's a question I ask myself every day. Hugs MM. I find the wedding anniversary to be one of the hardest dates.

This makes me so happy!

This reminded me of something that happened to me on OKCupid. They have this quick match feature, where you can just scroll through the first page of random profiles. Every time, EVERY SINGLE time I did this on the PC, I got my boyfriend's profile. It was usually by the second or third one in. I'm sure it may have had something to do with how often we were communicating (we sent brief messages back and forth for several weeks before we had a longer exchange and then finally met) or the fact that we were such a high match. But I had a number of other high matches and exchanges and they didn't pop up or if they did it was never more than once. SO even though there may be a logical explanation, I still think it's pretty neat,. MTJJ, maybe there's some Ted Bundy type who seems appealing that POF is trying to keep you from connecting with, lol.

I made the switch a few weeks ago now, and I'm pretty much used to it. My dog is another story...

I know what you mean. I love my boyfriend so very much, and I still miss Dan. Dan's addiction caused a lot of heartache, and in many ways my boyfriend and I are more compatible. I still miss Dan. It's a very weird sensation.

Yesterday was Dan's 40th birthday. Or rather it should have been. My boyfriend came over, as he usually does on Thursday. I explained to him that it was Dan's birthday, and that DD and I were going to sing to him and that I hoped he was okay with being around for that. He joined us in singing to Dan. Then DD wanted to count to 40. I said why don't we just eat our cupcakes, but N gave me a look like, oh yeah we're doing the count. It got a little hard for me when we got to 36 (he was supposed to turn 36 a fee weeks after he died), but I do like how it expanded the ritual for DD. I thanked N for being cool about it, and he thanked me for including him. It was so nice, and so meaningful to me that he did that.

Okay, well documentation might be a factor, I can see that. To get closer to the question you were actually asking, I think the biggest part of my transformation has been letting go of relationships that were hurtful. I don't feel the need to stay tied to people who hurt me, especially those who did something offensive in relation to Dan. So in addition to my sister, I've severed ties with others (or rather, made the decision not to resume contact after they disappeared then tried to come back after they thought enough time had passed, or that I was "fixed"). I just don't have the energy to forgive in the way that I used to. My relationship with my mother has dwindled to little more than me serving as liason between her and my daughter. That I do feel somewhat bad about, but the issues we have, I can't be the only one to fix it, and she doesn't even realize they are there. When I moved to a new state for a new job, where people didn't really know my history, I had to put on a show of being a normal, functional human being. That sort of made me recall what it was like to actually be a normal, functional human being. I remember when I had just started seeing my boyfriend. He has a lot of stress in his life, but works hard to be positive and deal with things in a healthy way. He would send these texts asking about my day, and I would say it was great. Then I'd think, "No, it's not, today sucked!" But I realized that his attitude was wearing off on me. On Thanksgiving, I sent him a text wishing him a happy Thanksgiving. Only afterwards did I realize that was the first time I'd genuinely wished someone a happy holiday in the three years since Dan's death. My feeling is that the feelings I expressed in the wake of a tremendous shock and trauma were valid. I don't feel the need to justify my feelings and reactions to anybody. I'm guarded with sharing that period of my life with new people, but mainly because I don't really see the point. So far, the people connected to Dan recognize that I still love him and always will, and I also have someone new in my life whom I love very much. We'll see how others feel this weekend, because I'll be seeing many of them and N is supposed to come with me. Anyone who has issues with it, I say fuck it, because the people closest to Dan understand. Not that I need their approval, but having it makes it easier for me to say fuck all the others.

I am going to put this as gently as possible and I hope you do not take offense. I am not a huge fan of the write a letter strategy. I think a lot of people say they communicate more effectively with the written word, when what they mean is that it's easier to say everything that you want to say without being interrupted, or it being impacted by the other person's reactions. And that they ultimately want to avoid confrontation. But that is not how good communication works. Good communication is a back and forth exchange where you take in the other person's [point of view and modify your delivery (or not) as appropriate. I understand completely your position. However, it's the sort of message that really warranted a conversation. A difficult one, no doubt, but a conversation. Two and a half years ago my sister sent me an email telling me how my grief was damaging the whole family, including my daughter. It felt like a barrage, no chance for a rebuttal from me. It knocked me to my knees, but what made it worse was the method of delivery. She basically got to hit send and retreat, did not have to face the consequences of what she was putting out there. It was so damaging to me emotionally that I ended the relationship. Earlier this year she reached out to apologize to me, but again via email. She has also tried to have her husband reach out to me. The fact that once again, she chose a route that was so impersonal made me more confidant in my decision to never have anything to do with her again. Resuming a relationship with her estranged sister was not worth the prospect of an unpleasant conversation. I am not saying this is the same thing. Here, you are the wounded one, the one who needs extra care. You may not be up for the confrontation in your state. But I'm not sure there's any way your step daughter would know that. If you want to mend this fence I think you will need to reach out in person or via a phone call. Have a conversation. Again, I am not saying there is anything wrong with your decision. As widows, we often don't know what we want or need, and we require some room to change our minds and figure stuff out. But I see people advocating the method of writing advocated so often and I really don't think it's sound advice.

Me too. We're coming up on a year, and although I know logically we are where we should be, I get impatient sometimes. What Captains wife said about how that worrying about the future sometimes too much can also negatively impact your relationship in the present, that is something I've really tried to stay focused on, and I think that has been very good for our relationship. When there are things that have the potential to get me bent out of shape and frustrated, and have in the past, I really try to say stop, don't get worked up, look at the big picture. Still, I miss not having to manage my expectations so carefully.

I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're describing, but last year when I accepted new job in a different state, I felt at a certain point like it was all out my hands. Like I set the ball in motion and everything then just sort of happened. I know that's not possible. I know I rented out my house, packed everything up, found a new place, got acclimated to a new job. And I had a few freakout moments. But it feels like I was very much removed from it. I remember my mom telling everyone the day I moved how brave it was, what I was doing, and I thought really? This is just... happening. And it just so completely paled in comparison to facing life without my husband. I think I was so emotionally tapped out. Like I reached a threshold where I couldn't handle anymore and had to detach, even if it wasn't willful.

I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, some people can grow a beard and some can't. Dan could not grow a beard. Occasionally he would try, but being so sparse it became more irritating than anything so he would just shave it off. Maybe that will happen, that your son will just grow frustrated with it and give up. But being able to grow a full beard may never happen. My boyfriend is the opposite; he has what I call Fred Flintstone syndrome; he shaves and immediately has a five o'clock shadow.

I agree it must be tricky, and validate that you are in a crummy position. But honestly? I really don't get the whole birthday thing once you're an adult. I mean, I think of it as a thing for kids. I stopped observing my birthday completely when Dan died. Recently my boyfriend brought up my birthday, that some might consider it a milestone (40). I told him I don't observe. Later I thought about it and realized he wants to do something for me, so I should not deny him that. But honestly I do not get adults making a big deal out of their own birthdays. I get wanting to make a big deal out of other people's; I don't care about my own, but am enjoying planning for his. I think frankly, (and this is through the lens of being widowed at a young age with a baby) it's sort of petty to get worked up about your own birthday.

Yes, those types of "take care of yourself" admonitions when prescribed with no realistic options for helping me achieve it, used to drive me nuts. And the only reason they don't anymore is I basically avoid contact with the people who used to throw them at me. Much more helpful is my boyfriend offering to watch DD so I can go to grief counseling, or my MIL offering to get me leaf removal for my birthday. My update to my last post is I have been diagnosed with fibro (well as much as a firm dx is possible with fibro, although mine seems pretty textbook). She asked if there was any reason why I might be going through a particularly bad flare right now. Hmm, four year anniversary next week? I have really tried, as that article says, to not get on the anniversary train this year. I'm trying to rethink fall, focus on the fact that it's when boyfriend and I started dating, and his birthday is in the fall. But it's almost like my body is saying, yeah nice try.

I guess I am leery of "rules" per se about this sort of thing. When I met my boyfriend, he was just beginning what has become a very unpleasant custody/parenting time negotiation with his ex-girlfriend. Unpleasant because of the ex. Although he has zero (good) feelings for her, the situation has been very difficult, and I guess some would describe it as drama. But not only do I feel that he is worth it, we've realized that the situation has enabled us to relate to each other. Because we have both dealt with, and continue to deal with very emotionally trying experiences that are not going away.

While I think a lot of valid points have been made, I'm a little confused. Lots of widows recouple within the first year, and we don't bat an eye. What if people said, don't be the first person a widow dates post loss? How would we feel about that? Why is there emphasis on being more restrictive in the case of divorce?

I wore mine for three years. That was about when I started dating. I'd take them off for dates, but one time I forgot, and I really didn't want to do that with the guy you is now my boyfriend, because I really liked him. I tried the right hand thing for a bit, but they were pretty snug there. The funny thing is as long as it's been without them (almost a year), I can often still feel them.

I am going through this currently. October 3 it will be four years. I have suffered from some aches and pains since he died, but the past couple months it's been worse than ever. It's grown so unbearable that I've started journaling about it and have a doctor's appointment on Friday. I'm suspecting fibro (which can be trigged by trauma.). But I'm also wondering if the time of year has anything to do with it. What's funny is that in many ways I'm doing the "best" I have been since he died. I'm very happy in my relationship, and that I think has transferred to other areas of my life. I don't care for my job, but job stress is nothing like grief stress. I've tried not to get sucked into that anniversary vortex this year. But fall is such a sensory season, one that many people enjoy and enjoy talking about. The physical recall I have for those last days are so visceral, I don't know how to fight them.