MrsDan

Dan and I started dating when I was 21 and my experience was pretty limited. I wondered what it would be like too, but honestly I needn't have worried. I kissed him (he describe sit as 80/20) and I initiated, um other things. And quite frankly, that part of our relationship is absolutely amazing. I think there are a few reasons I didn't have issues I probably would have expected. One, I really liked him; he is so kind and so sweet and I wanted it to go further. Second, I waited a fairly long time before being open to dating. That's not to say there's anything wrong with doing it sooner, but for me it would have been. I had no interest, and accepted that about myself, I felt absolutely no pressure to feel differently. I think that's why for me it was like, I don't want to, I don't want to, okay now I want to. It was like a switch just flipped for me, and consequently I didn't have to come to terms with it. The other thing is that we are very compatible in many ways, including that area. So I don't feel self conscious the way I might have anticipated. I guess what I'm saying is if you are true to yourself then your chances of it being comfortable and rewarding are greater. Like FWBs work fine for some people, but it wouldn't have worked for me and had I tried to force that approach it would have been a disaster.

I'm very sorry about your mom. It must be incredibly hard for you. And for your kids as well. My FIL passed away last month, and as my DH died when our daughter was just three months old, she and her grandmother were incredibly close. It's hard watching our kids suffer.

Fuck feeling guilty that I forgot to call my mother on her birthday yesterday when she did not call on my daughter's birthday the day before or my wedding anniversary two days before that. Fuck that I have no idea what our relationship is supposed to be nowadays. She's coming to DD's birthday party next week so maybe that's why she didn't call on her birthday but she has never acknowledged my anniversary since my husband's death. My MIL texted me, pretty much first thing that day. Dan's siblings texted me. My sister and a friend sent messages, another posted on Dan's wall. But not my mom. Did she just forget? Maybe, but it's two days before her granddaughter's birthday and on Bastille Day FFS.

The premature terms of endearment were a total deal breaker for me. BF and I didn't even start using them until we had been serious a few months. To me, there is something so presumptuous about it. I mean, the two most important men in my life, my husband and my father (this was before my boyfriend, now he's the third) used them, and I used to think, what makes you think you are on par with them? It has to be earned, the right to use them, in my opinion.

My boyfriend and I both wear glasses. Mine are new, and he's always reminding me to clean them with cotton cloth so they don't get scratched up. He'll often playfully chide me when I clean them with my shirt if it's not cotton. Anyway, last week we were sitting together at a concert, listening to some music. My glasses were dirty, and I took them off. He reached over and took them from me, and cleaned them with his T-shirt and then handed them back to me. These kinds of things, these small gestures are what I really missed, these are the things, so indescribable that are impossible to convey to other people that you lose when being widowed. And these are the things that make you feel like you're with the right person, and that you're loved. At least, that's how it is for me.

Thanks. I guess this post belongs in BAG but I just can't bring myself to start a thread there. I don't know why, I guess it's kind of silly. The first anniversary after Dan died I made a video from our wedding over our song and I've posted it every anniversary since. I asked N if it would bother him if I did that this year. He said, no. I asked if he was sure, and he said, "I don't want to get in the way of anything that provides you healing." I responded that he provides healing for me. So he said, "I don't want to step on anyone's toes." I responded that I didn't want to step on his toes. I suspect that he's trying to be magnanimous about it, but that it might bother him, if only a bit. I know that a lot of widows think that partners of widows being bothered by mention or feelings the widow has for their late spouse is unfair, a bad thing. It's branded as insecurity a lot. I don't agree. I feel like it must be a tremendously difficult situation. I've been someone's one and only, and I could understand wanting that. N told me the other night that he rather I have "too much love" than not have enough. I was talking about being so full of emotion over two people, and asking if the fact that I still have feelings for my husband bothered him. Still, he's human. I can't imagine it's easy. I know it's a silly thing, but it's funny the significance small things take on in widowhood. I simply find it interesting that in order to move forward in my current relationship, I need to honor my old one differently than I have in the past. And it's self-directed; I feel no pressure from him.

The last few weeks I've been a major funk. Things are okay in some ways, but that makes me anxious because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thursday is my wedding anniversary. It would be nine years. Instead we just made it past five. This anniversary is the main source of my funk I think. I've been focusing on my present relationship, which I am very happy with. I wish I could put it on, like a new coat, and shed all the grief and pain of the old. But I can't. I miss Dan. I'm still blown away the fact that he's gone. I'm trying to reconcile these feelings I have for someone else. And there is uncertainty there, being that it's still a new relationship. I miss the security that I had with Dan. I miss knowing we were partners. Even though there many times when I felt very much alone. I've tried to remember how much he hurt me, to focus on the bad times. But the problem is, they weren't all bad. Most of it was very, very good, stolen by addiction, but good. I miss that man. I miss that us. I don't want to but I do. Especially this week. In the past week I've had some difficult dreams. Twice I've had a dream that Dan came back but I didn't know what to do because of my boyfriend. Last night was the worse of the two. He came back fully expecting to be with his wife, acting like nothing had happened. I knew I had to tell him about N. I decided to see how things were between us. But I realized in my dreams that things were better with N, not that I didn't love Dan, but I determined in my dream that N was better for me. I tried to imagine being okay with Dan moving on from me, but I couldn't. I knew I had to tell I'm but it killed me to think of hurting him that way, when he was so oblivious. I know that I'm not doing anything wrong. I also know that if our roles were reversed he would have found someone. But I feel like right now I am mourning, not just the end of him, but the end of us. Which ended of course when he did right? But maybe because it's of the anniversary, but it feels like that us is so far away. It's not helping that N, DD, and I are all sick. N is busy all week so I probably won't see him until next week. Which makes me more anxious about the relationship. Which I'm tired of. I'm tired of all the anxiety, guilt, sadness, and uncertainty.

I realized I didn't really answer your question. No, I don't think it's weird at all. It's not weird to take them off, it's not weird to wear them the rest of your life. If you ever decide to pursue a relationship, you can decide how that will impact your decision then. I have never discussed this issue with my boyfriend. I felt comfortable taking them off, so I didn't feel the need to have the conversation. But if I hadn't felt comfortable, I would have discussed it with him. I also still refer to Dan as my husband, and his family as my inlaws. In situations where people are not aware of my circumstances, I will often say late husband, just because it might confusing to refer to my husband and my boyfriend in the same conversation. I felt a little self conscious about doing this with my boyfriend's circle, but not as much anymore. If any of them should ever voice a problem with it I will address it then . But his mother is married to a widower, so that might be part of it. And his stepsister and I were talking one time and she referred to my husband, not my late or ex. My husband. Which I appreciate. Sometimes people refer to me as a single mother, and I'm not nuts about that. It bothers me less then it used to; my brother referred to me that way immediately and that really bothered me.

It will be four years for me in October. I stopped wearing it at the end of last year when I started seeing my boyfriend. At first I would just take it off before dates, and alternate between my right and left hand. But I became worried I'd forget before going out with my boyfriend, and I really liked him. (I did forget with one date, but there was no spark there, at least for me; he asked me out again despite my blunder). Then boyfriend and I became serious. He has never seen my rings. He has always been extremely supportive and compassionate about my husband, but it doesn't feel fair to wear them in front of him. There was a time when I could never imagine taking them off. But now I identify as much as N's girlfriend as I do Dan's wife. So I'm actually okay with not wearing them, but one thing is I can still feel them. Even though I have not worn them in six months. And my daughter occasionally asks about them, gets upset at times even.

I'm in the second home I've moved to since he died, but I still have our bed. I still sleep on my side, except when my boyfriend sleeps over, then I have him take my side. I've been trying to transition over to DH's side permanently the last few weeks actually, but just can't seem to do it. Instead I switch my pillows around when boyfriend sleeps over. It's funny, it feels weird sleeping on Dan's side, but it feels wrong for my boyfriend to have it.

I think he overstepped, and I overreacted. He commented that I sounded angry when correcting DD. I feel pretty shitty about it because earlier in the day, I asked him if he thought I was too strict, and he said he thought I sometimes hold her to unrealistic expectations. I told him I appreciated his honesty, that people are always telling me what I want to hear when it comes to my parenting. So I realize I basically opened the door to his opinion, then slammed it in his face. I feel like a dick. I do think it was coming from concern; he's too sweet and good natured for it to be otherwise. I think I also got defensive because he hasn't had to deal with the toddler stuff yet; his daughter is only a year old. And I've been doing it, by myself for practically her whole life. But I'm bummed, because I really make a concerted effort not to make some of the same mistakes I made with Dan, like getting worked up over small things, and I feel like I failed in that respect.

I understand. For me, the marker is DD's birthday. She'll be four in two weeks, then in less than three months he'll be gone four years. For me, those "I can't believe she's already (insert age)" is inextricably tied to "I can't believe he's been gone (insert time)." Plus, those last few months of his life, which were also the first few months of hers, were very hard. Plus our anniversary is two days before her birthday. The interconnectedness of it all makes for a lot of mind fuckery and tears. I can imagine all the hallmarks of summer festivities have a similar effect on you.

Ugh. Boyfriend and I had our first disagreement. He made a comment about my parenting, and I did not react well to that. We talked it out, but I still feel like crap this morning. My anxiety levels are up. I know couples fight, it's just right now, with my wedding anniversary coming up next week, I have extra anxiety about a lot of things, including this relationship. For those in post loss relationships, when was your first fight? What was it about, and how did you handle it?

Thank you for the perspectives. I appreciate that step parents can love their step kids like their own, I just wonder about how having one's own biological child affects that. I'm just not sure how to manage her expectations. He can be a special friend, yes, but my fear is what she really wants is a dad.

I've been seeing my boyfriend, N, for about eight months. I was initially worried about DD accepting him, because she's always been very reserved around men (except my FIL and BIL), but instead she became instantly attached to him. She gloms onto him whenever she sees him is always saying we have to tell N this or that. Now, it wouldn't necessarily be too much of a problem, except that she also does it when we spend time with N's DD. She's a year old and he only sees her two weekends a month. So he obviously cherishes the little time he has with her, and it makes it difficult to focus on his DD when mine is clamoring for his attention. As a result, the four of us don't spend that much time together and so N and I don't usually see each other on the weekends he has his DD. This past weekend we went to N's DD birthday party. My DD was an absolute shit almost the whole time. Now, she was up a little late the night before, and we've been having some issues with defiance and rudeness with me the past few weeks, some of which I think is just four year old bullshit, and some of which I think is grief related since she just lost her grandfather. But this was a big day for N, and I spent most of it trying to keep her from completely pestering him, and not embarrassing us. N said it was fine; he only witnessed a little bit of her attitude with me, and said she's usually much more clingy with him when it's just the three of us. But he is also very kind. He does try to include DD, but also doesn't want her(and neither do I) to think everything is all about her. I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this issue of their kid(s) becoming very quickly attached to their significant other. I'm not so much worried about what will happen if N and I don't work out, more like what will happen if we do. Because because I know her behavior comes from not having a dad, and needing to fill that hole. But N isn't her dad. I know that he cares for her, but he's never going to feel the way about her that Dan did, or the way he does about his own child. It breaks my heart to see her looking to him to be something that he just can't be. It's also hard for me to watch N with his DD. I don't want it to be, because I really am happy that he has her and is such a devoted dad. But it's very hard to see something that DD will never have, that Dan will never have. I don't want it to be, so I find myself pretending it's not, until it just gets to be too much for me and I find myself shutting down. Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone else has had this issue, and what you did about it, to I guess manage expectations.

I'm sorry. It's just not fair.

1. That I have a boyfriend 2. That I'm in love with said boyfriend 3. That I'm estranged from almost my entire family and most of our friends 4. That I picked up and moved to an entirely different metro area 5. That I've bought and fixed up two houses 6. That I got a tattoo (in his memory) 7. The relationship I have with his family. That I moved past some things. 8. That I painted my house super bright colors 9. All the minutiae I've done by myself, from buying appliances, ripping out bushes, digging trenches, walking two dogs and a toddler regularly

I was doing this too; trying to block out needs, and when I realized I just couldn't do it anymore, it was like a switch flipped and I was ready to date. I'll say also that found someone very willing to deal with my baggage. Although he's not widowed, he is dealing with a very stressful and emotional situation himself, and like you and me didn't think he'd find someone who'd be willing to deal with it. So you just never know.

Oh my goodness are YOU okay?!

Yes, it's happened at work a few times. I'd told a few people, and assumed it would get around. It didn't. I actually had to have an awkward conversation with one about the fact that no, that guy who came to the museum is not my husband, my husband is deceased. That guy is my boyfriend.

It reads to me like emotional exhaustion. You've been through a lot of things that require emotional backflips to get through, so of course it's natural to be worn out. I think when we're overloaded emotionally, it makes us more prone to anxiety. Especially about change. Even positive change. There are positive and negative emotions, but just experiencing a flood of emotions can be overwhelming, whether they're good or bad. I found myself feeling emotionally overwhelmed as I was falling in love with my boyfriend. It was very, very good, but I still felt overwhelmed having such strong emotions (even positive) for two men at the same time. It's subsided, but there is still anxiety about what the future holds. You seem to be dealing with things on multiple fronts in which the stakes are very high: professionally, as a mother, and romantically. It's just a lot. Holy balls what is wrong with that kid?! That is something that would absolutely break my heart, if my kid did something like that to another person. Shave your head, fail a class, but do not be cruel to another person. There is so much drama with little girls, I'm starting to see some of it already and is so hard to navigate.

I for one am sick and tired of people throwing out the term, "tough love" as if it is a codified and tested methodology that users of the term are highly trained and practiced in. Tough love is a term coined by Bill Milliken in 1968. What began as an approach, (a thesis really) to dealing with disenfranchised youth has been distorted and corrupted so much that there currently is no firm definition or clear set of guidelines. This mutated approach has been widely discredited, particularly in it's use in boot camp type youth programs and addiction treatment. My husband was an addict; he died of his addiction. I thought it was the approach I was supposed to take. Instead, it's a huge part of the reason he's dead. I find it offensive that people throw it around so cavalierly. Portside, you are not trained to practice tough love. Your approach isn't even close to what Milliken had in mind. You are using what has degenerated into a catchphrase to justify being a dick. It's clear to me that you have harnessed your bitterness and anger to negotiate a very traumatic situation. That does not give you the right to direct it outwardly at other people. ALD, I did not read your post. But from what I can glean from the responses here, it may be helpful to know that much of my DD's life has shrouded in the utmost darkness and despair. I love her, and I berated myself constantly over the fact that she wasn't enough. I don't know why she's not, but she's just not. She was enough to motivate me to keep going, that was it. I couldn't take joy in anything, not even the most joyful of moments. I often didn't feel like a mother, with a family, but the head of a pride. Tasked with sheltering and feeding and protecting my cubs. It's only been recently that I've begun to find joy again. But prior to that, I had to come to the realization that apathy didn't make me a horrible mother. It just was what it was. I hope there are no long term effects, but if there are, we'll just deal with it. I hope you feel safe enough to return.

I read everything you wrote too and I understand. I have had some well-documented issues with my MIL that I won't rehash here.Our issues have softened with time, and I've chosen to let the inciting incident go, largely because of the magnitude of their loss. I also struggled to come to terms with some issues surrounding my FIL. I was able to do so because of the shift I saw in him following the death of his son, as well as the bond he and my daughter shared. Things have gotten better with my SIL, for the first few years she was the one who made a gut punch comment every time I saw her. I think her perspective has changed when she got married. But my BIL and his wife; that's a little complicated. They were very generous when I moved here; I stayed with them while got settled, and his wife watched my DD during that time. They were so excited to have us here they said. But our stay with them was much longer than we all expected, and I get the sense from them that they feel like they paid their dues, and don't owe me anything more. Which is not to say that they do, but I mean family is supposed to help each other out. I have tried to reciprocate, I've offered to watch all the kids while they go out but they've never accepted. Honestly? I'm not sure it has so much to do with me not being part of the family as much as it just has to do with them being so self involved. They make an awful lot of comments about how overwhelming their life is considering the fact that there are two of them and they chose to have two kids (have I mentioned that I would have loved to have been able to have another, and there are so many of us who did not get the chance to have one?) This week, the whole family was supposed to go on a trip to visit Dan's sister. I was invited, but chose not to go, simply because the experience would have been very draining, I couldn't board my dogs that long, and I have so many other things to do. I'm sure my MIL and FIL were hurt, though that was not my intention. But I have a lot to catch up on, and N and I were going to go away for a few days too. Obviously, the trip got canceled when my FIL passed away. My SIL would still like to do something, especially since it was a gift for my MIL's birthday. She broached the subject about going away in the fall. My BIL said, oh no, they already have trips planned for the fall. REALLY? This trip meant so much to their dad and mom, who is now a grieving widow. I felt HORRIBLE that I couldn't manage it, but I did allow them to take DD. Even though I was nervous about her flying without me. They are always talking about how one or both of them need a break. It's infuriating, but quite frankly they were pretty self absorbed before Dan died and I recall you and Tim had issues with his brother and his wife before too. It's disappointing when you think people change though, and they don't. Dan's parents and siblings, despite any issues we might have had, have continued to make me feel part of the family. But this past weekend, at the wake, I felt pushed aside quite a bit, like I was on the sidelines. Some people were great; my FIL's brother hugged me as he wept, his sister was very warm also, as was my MIL's brother. With them, and a few others, it was like no time had passed at all. But the others, it was like people looked right through me. I realize I've been away for almost four years. But I was part of that family for 15 years. One friend, a close friend of his parents even admitted that she didn't recognize me. Oh come on. And why would you tell me that? Dan's parents and siblings have also been supportive of my relationship with N, although I can tell it's hard for them. His parents met N, it was important to me because I knew if it didn't happen soon, they would think I was deliberately trying to exclude them, rather than avoid an uncomfortable situation. BIL and his wife met him too, although I think for them they saw it more as an obligation. Dan's sister and her husband invited us to visit them out west. I don't know, time will tell. I don't know what the response would be if I ever decided to get married again. But I imagine if it was anything close to what you're experiencing I would be very, very hurt. I am very sorry this is happening. I'm sure the growing distance between you and your ILs feels like the gulf between you and Tim is widening, but I don't think that's how it works. I mean, what would Tim think of this? Chances are you'd be on the same page, and that's what matters. That, and your upcoming marriage. I hope you can enjoy it without all that other noise getting in the way.

I'm so very sorry DT.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. It was a very rough weekend.