Needytoo

Good question Arneal and I don't know how to answer it. NG knows about DH, how he died and some good things and bad about our marriage, but I don't honestly talk a lot about him. NG because he is going through his divorce and his ex is NUTS talks about her. I want to know what is going and I want to be supportive but WOW this woman makes my skin crawl. I know this woman will be part of our lives for awhile but if she part of our daily talks I don't think I can handle it. Leadfeather, hope everything goes well with your new relationship.

Hope everything goes well for you Arneal. NG has his kids this weekend and tonight going out with friends for St. Patrick's day so I stopped off at NG's house. After an hour or so of listening to how perfect his Mom's marriage was and then hearing how NG takes care of her, I had to leave. Seeing another side of this woman and I am not liking it. I know being widowed in your eighties is hard but it seems all she can talk about is being taken care off. Help me people is this typical senior thing?

TGIF!! You are right Virgo, I need to be a better communicator and NG is helping me with that. The deep black shit I still have a hard time talking about. Not sure if that is good or bad. lol NG and I spend a lot of time together, which makes it even harder when we are not together. Because we do spend a lot of time together his Mom gets a little upset with him that he isn't their to "serve" her all the time. Hard spot to be in. I listen to him but not sure what I can offer for a solution. Learning curve of a new relationship has its challenges.

Hello everyone, trying to adjust to the time change. Why does one hour change totally screw you up? Friday NG and I went out for supper and I asked his advice regarding my youngest son and wanted him to read a post that my son put on Instagram about losing his father. NG didn't know that Thursday was the "day" and was so apologetic on what he did. Again, I suck at communication. Probably for the best he didn't I wasn't good company. I feel like you Virgo. It took me a long time before I told NG I loved him. Needed time to process all of it.

Time will tell Arneal. Today is the day my husband passed and also the day my youngest son is finally grieving. Glad he is but hard to see. Broke down in tears in front of my class. All day NG said he was free all day, free until I called and then he was busy. Remember all those crazy widow feelings from the early days, they are back full force Trying to keep all those crazy feelings in check.

Hello everyone, thought I would drop in and fill you in. So far things are going well, think I still need some more time to figure out this 4 year thing. You said it Tybec, does his promise mean living under the same roof? Kilm I think when and if we live together will have to be when my boys move out. The thing is do I really want to stay in a 4 bedroom house alone? Seriously doubt it, I will go back to my pre-relationship plans and sell it and buy a small condo. My heart goes out to you Virgo, I understand. I also thought of dumping new guy as well, but in my case it does feel good to be together but I still have that doubt or feeling that something is just not quite right. Eight months ago I had my extreme doubts that I would ever find anyone again, guess I was wrong I did. As we all know life can be somewhat difficult (ha ha on that somewhat difficult comment), we are just maybe so much more aware.

You might be correct farlanegirl, that might be the way our life goes. Funny thing is NG is the one that always brings up living together and then being hit with this 4 year thing put my brain into a crazy spin. This weekend we went away and after a few nights of not sleeping I had to bring it up. I am not sure if anything has been solved but we decided to reevaluate in December. He wants to get his divorce finalized etc. The next day he brought up he promised his father on his death bed that he would take care of his Mother and actually started to cry. He is put in a hard spot and I made a few suggestions, like I am willing to help and maybe that one day we all live together. I just don't think I want to be second in this relationship. I didn't always put DH first and he didn't put me first, and I know how wrong that is, I want to put NG first but I don't think he is there yet. I asked NG if he wanted more time alone and he said he definitely doesn't. We are just at the 7th month so it is hard to predict what life is going to be like in a year and I am willing to go day by day. Last night before I went home he brought up how he hates when we are apart, I hate it too but I told him maybe we just don't talk about living together for awhile. You could see the pain in his eyes but I had to say it. Life is so much better with him in my life .

It is possible. Love the woman but might have issues living with her, she is a bit of a control freak.

Valentine's Day has come and passed. I love this man, I really do. I have never had a relationship like this, ever!! Let me back up and fill you in a bit more. He does live with his Mother. His Mom was widowed a year ago and he lives with her because he promised his father he would take care of her. My Mom passed away 25 years ago and DH mom passed long time ago. It has been a very long time since I have had that "Mom" feeling. I am starting to really love this woman as well. NG has said he can't just abandoned his Mom, his Mom has mentioned a few times she will be moving to a senior's apartment in a few years. So living full time isn't going to happen for a few years. I am getting use to this idea. My sons can leave the nest and this will give me some solo time. NG and I are wanting to spend more and more time together. I thought maybe our plans of moving in together is going to change till last night. He now thinks it will be 4 years before we can move in together. This news hit me hard. I told him I had to go, because I didn't want him to see me. My brain is totally filled with thoughts and ideas and I don't know what to do. My brain is so overreacting that I don't think I can discuss this with him. We suppose to go away this weekend, and I honestly not sure if I want to now. Advise please for the psycho widow.

Thank you for sharing.

I do a lot of little gift giving, which is easy for me because I do pottery and I give away practically everything I make (can't keep it all). Well guess who wins the idiot girlfriend award? Give you a hint, it is me. Guess who was waiting for me at home after yoga? That would be NG. No gifts but spending the night together was priceless. He didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day. Good work Virgo, you sneaky girl.

I think in part it could be a financial thing with him. I was footing the bill for way too many things before but I saw a switch in him right after Christmas. He stepped up and things were more 50/50. He is extremely open about his finances where I am not as open about mine. We spend a lot of time together and then of all days to be told he is going out with the guys, does bother me, I can't lie about that. The gift thing, is it important to me?? That is a very hard decision. I buy everything I need but I will be honest it would be nice to receive a gift. DH wasn't a big gift giver, 25 years of marriage and not once did he buy me jewelry. Even my wedding ring was his dead mother's. Yep, having issues on this. Selfish issues I know.. You're right Trying I need to bring these things up in advance.

Good point Portside, I should have mention that he also said go to the gun club with his friends. He has brought me out there before but I felt I wasn't included this time. I can't deny that this all doesn't hurt because it does. My DH and I also didn't celebrate special events in our life and I know this is so wrong. NG isn't like my husband in so many ways except for this particular little thing that I have noticed. Somehow I will need to talk about it, but not right now I need to let the emotions calm down first. The last few times this has happened I have notice something about myself, I am able to reach out to friends and make other plans. Tonight going to yoga with a few friends, tomorrow going out with another friend and Saturday I have two other things with two other friends. Finally in my life I guess I do have a support system. Guess I am doing well after all. Happy Valentine's everyone.

Good for you Virgo, glad to hear things are turning out for you. My sons, still aren't very accepting of NG but I am not letting this stop me. NG and I are becoming very close. I will admit I am getting much better at communicating but to a point. Maybe it is "widow aloofness", hard to say. I do see a trend in NG that unfortunately does raise somewhat of a red flag and then I think who cares, he is perfect in every other way. We have only dated for 7 months but so far if there is a holiday where is requires a gift (birthday/Christmas etc) he backs the hell away. Of course now my point is Valentine's Day he told me he is going to the rifle range, kind of stings when you are told that you are the number one person in his life but yet.... Yep, communication, darn it still have no idea to point out Valentine's Day and that I would like to spend it with him. Oh well have flown solo on Valentine's Day for awhile now, what is another year.

Wow, LeadFeather, I need to read that book. Not sure if I totally understand what Peterson is saying but it does make me think. My youngest isn't speaking to me and my oldest bought his own food and I am going minute by minute. I hate stress and confrontation but I need to do what is best. Thanks, everyone, I do need the support in this.

Thank you for all your advice. Last night I talked to my youngest and he thinks I am the vilest human being on the planet for making his older brother pay for his own food. He even suggested that I should give up my hobbies to save money (first time in my life I am allowing myself to have hobbies and I am 51 years old). I told him, he has no right to tell me what to do with my money. He went on and on how his life sucks and how I don't want him to succeed etc. It hurt to see him so angry at me but I stood my ground. My oldest came home and seem to be ok with all of it, even said he knows I am teaching him so he can live on his own. I will take this as progress. My oldest has made things very difficult for everyone in the house on and off for a while now. If he fails on this I will set a date where he has to move out and if he doesn't I will have the Sheriff department help me. This is extremely hard on me because I know there is a chance where our relationship will be over forever but then I do hear the stories where the relationship is restored and is better because of it. I understand Portside how you feel, you give me inspiration.

Help, not sure what I am doing wrong or if I am doing things correctly. I will try to be brief. I have two sons 23 and 19 years old. My oldest has been working for a couple of years full time and refuses to pay me anything. My youngest is in college and pays his car insurance and his cell phone. His brother never did that at the same age. My youngest son thinks I gave too much to my oldest son ( correct on that one), that we don't feel like a family anymore and all I care about it money. I am working three jobs and I still find it hard to stay afloat. I would like to retire someday and put more money away. My biggest expense is the groceries. I spend $350-400 a week (I kid you not) My oldest just bought a new car and paid for it all of with the money he has saved. Great for him, I asked him for rent again only $400 a month and he said he would buy his own food. It is a start but I still doubt he will do it, and how do I keep him eating the food that in the house but maybe he will. My sons just don't get that I am not made of money, I am sorry they don't have a father but they don't seem to give a rats ass about me. I just don't seem to able to reason with them? Any advice please.

Virgo I think your one friend has a very good point, as widows we want to protect our kids and maybe that isn't the correct thing. My husband and I didn't necessarily have the greatest marriage, we didn't argue or anything like that but my husband hid in the basement and drank. My kids commented how they never saw us hold hands or kiss. NG is a very touchy guy and I know it is different for them seeing this side of their Mother, but I think this is how life should be. My oldest son (23 years old) and I are having some problems, he doesn't pay rent and does bare minimal around the house. He has no friends but works a lot. He just bought a new car and paid all of it off. Not sure about you guys but at 23 I could do that but I also was paying my own way. I want to let him move out by such and such a date, he needs to start living his own life. Again having the "hard" conversations I have a hard time doing. Arneal I am so sorry that your boyfriend does this to you, I hope you can open up the conversation up to him as well.

Last weekend for the first time NG spent the night at my place. My youngest son ventured out of his room and at least watched TV with us. My oldest didn't venture out of his basement bedroom, I am now giving him the knick name Quasimodo. I know I can't push him, but it is still a little disrespectful (or is it, help me out on this one). I did bring up the snowblower and he did look at it and to make a long story short it still isn't working. This weekend (with the help of YouTube) I am going to see if I can get it up and working. I think my lesson on this is I need to learn to communicate better and keep communicating instead of always assuming the worse. Very happy for you Virgo, it sounds like you made a good decision with NG. I totally agree with you Dating now is so much different than when we were younger.

It always amazes me how so many of us are on the same path. March will be five years since DH passed. I can't believe it has been that long. There are still moments that it feels like yesterday but it is now only moments. When did the "New Normal" kick in? I have no clue? If someone had the time they most likely could research that through all of our old posts.

It does hurt doesn't it Virgo where you hear these comments that NG isn't really going to help you with anything. I know we should be able to "deal" with our own stuff but it does feel good to have a partner that is willing to help you. NG has really stepped up in many ways but of course there is always a but.... he has opened up the conversation of us living together, but he feels it isn't going to be for another 3 years. He is living with his Mother and she is widowed as well and he can't abandon her. My sons are still at home but hoping they venture out into the real world soon, and I am not sure if I want to wait 3 years and what if it is longer than 3 years? His ex is NUTS, do I want this issue in my life? All of this stuff we have discussed but right now no solution. NG says he wants to help me out. Well, my snow blower still isn't running but it hasn't been an issue since it doesn't snow when it is -40C but I need to get it up and running. NG knows about my snowblower, but still hasn't offered to help me (he is a mechanic). Tomorrow I told my sons that NG is sleeping over (first time). Thing is I have three other guys that have offered to come and look at my snowblower and I know each of them if NG comes over at the same time they will say something to him. I know this sounds so "high school" but I welcome suggestions.

You nailed it Mrs Dan, I plan on putting my next SO first, but right now I feel deep down NG isn't quite there. He is very open but sometimes he makes promises to me but doesn't quite follow through (helping me around the house etc). We are still at the 6-month mark so things are very still new. I took Arneal's advice and wasn't so accessible and took care of my own stuff. I never thought I would be one of those women who play at the "rules" game but I think there has been a shift in his attitude to please me. Guess I will take that as advancement.

Part of me will be so glad the holidays will be over with. My oldest son has been a royal pain in the ass, it really hurts to say but he is on the road of being an alcoholic just like his father. I on the other hand refuse to be an enabler any longer. In a few weeks I will tell him he must leave. I took your advise Arneal and tried not to be so accessible to NG. On Christmas Eve Eve, I spent it at my girlfriend's. Her and her husband separated and she was dating a guy before her husband even moved out. I try not to judge but she had no problem judging me. She knows I was upset because NG and our plans got changed last second because his ex-said he could have the kids and she said that I should drop him. Her NG she calls a sugar daddy and that I should find one as well. We talked and I said I often didn't put my husband first and that I want to put NG a priority but unfortunately right now he can't put me first and she said another reason I should drop him. Christmas afternoon I needed to get out of my house (mostly because of my eldest son) and I spent it with NG and his Mother. I really love this guy. I thought I would spend more time with my kids but my youngest doesn't want to because of the oldest drinking and he is spending time with his friends while my oldest continued on his drinking. So I spent some time with NG and his kids and really enjoyed myself. Today he brings them back and he has booked us a fancy hotel for the new two nights. I can't wait!! On a side note how does one deal with the crazy ex. This woman has threatened to have NG killed.

So sorry she is doing this. I just don't understand these women.

Yesterday ended up being a little different. One of my friends was having a Winter Solstice Party she invited me and NG, I just assumed NG wasn't coming and texted my friend and told her I would be arriving early since I was flying solo. NG text me at noon letting me know he is getting his kids for most of the holidays. I am happy for him, hopefully, now they can get the all of this straighten out with the visitation A few hours later he asked when I was going over to my friend's and I told him I would head over right after work, he then told me he wanted to go as well so I asked if he wanted me to wait for him so we could go over together or did he just want to drive himself (thought I would give him that option since he didn't want to wait for me the night before) he said he wanted me to wait for him and if I could bring his Mom to the library so he didn't have to. I agreed and picked up his Mom after work, she said she was surprised that he was going out since he said earlier in the day he would be home for supper. I also told her I was surprised since I thought I was going solo. I even asked him, why the last minute change and he said he knows he has to do more of things I like. We did have a great time. Another friend at the party invited me over Saturday night and I said yes, and NG on the drive home was a little upset because he thought I would be spending the evening with him and his kids. Oh well, I think it is for the best the kids need time with their father. We are both off work at noon today and he wants to come over to my place before picking up his kids. I said sure but I have a repair guy coming in that is fixing the dishwasher and a friend that is coming by to look at my snowblower. Took your advice Arneal and dealing with my stuff.