Needytoo

I think he must, I got a little rude last night when we were talking on the phone and he said that they weren't waiting for me. He asked me last night what was wrong and I told him I wasn't ready to discuss it. After all, he is dealing with his own stuff. He does know that my late husband wasn't always there for me and has told me he is there for me. An easy thing to say. Sure feeling like the Grinch.

Thanks everyone for your comments, the "new" relationship thing definitely can be challenging and so rewarding all at the same time. My feeling right now are hurt and it is hard to stay rational with all of this. NG texted me late afternoon asking if I would like to go out for supper with him and his Mother. I said yes but I had to do some things beforehand. I had to run to my local post office to pick up some parcels and do some other errands, just the drive time would be one hour. After picking up my mail I opened up some Christmas cards, and of course, there had to be a card full of pictures of my DH. The day before I was also hit with some emotional stuff with boyfriend and some other stuff so my "sensitive trigger part" was about to erupt. I called NG told him I was about to drive back into town and he said well maybe we can just meet at the restaurant. I took this as I am not waiting for you, so I said fine why don't you just enjoy your evening. He said let me talk to Mom and call you back. Just those words ripped at my heart, put second again. He called and said they would wait for me. As I was driving into town I just cried and cried. We had supper and his Mom asked him to drive her to the library on Thursday, he said of course. We were supposed to go to a potluck supper at one of my friend's tonight, guess he forgot. Later I was helping him wrap his presents so I asked if he was coming to the potluck, he said no. Then he asked what next adventure were we going to do together, I said let's wait on planning anything. Afterall it sure seems anything we plan doesn't seem to work out. We are both off work at noon on Friday and he wanted to do something in the afternoon I told him I was having my dishwasher fixed. Again something he said he would look at but never has. (don't want to take advantage of him but when you say you are going to do something and time and time again don't I get the picture). My snowblower doesn't work right now. NG is a heavy duty mechanic and keeps saying he will look at it, but hasn't. There is a local shop that will repair it but I need a truck to get it there. NG has a truck but I just can't ask him to help me, I just can't take the constant refusal. So now I have to pay an extra fee for them to pick it up. Again, I am in a situation where I have no idea how to take things. I know his ex-took advantage of him and still tries, I don't feel I ask enough of people in my life and have no clue what is right and what isn't. He is going through his own stuff right now and I do understand that but I am feeling so hurt right now.

I will admit I didn't always put my husband first, it was the kids who I put all my energy in. My marriage was far from perfect, I see my mistakes. My kids are older and they need to find their own way. I want to put NG first but also know it is very important to keep your friends for support. NG promised his father on his death bed that he would take care of his Mother and he lives with her. She is one fantastic lady but I feel I am second sometimes. I don't want us to live together right now because my kids are still not so great with the idea of an NG in my life but one day hell yes I want to live with this man. NG's ex is denying access to his kids right now and I have been very supportive. Trips to the lawyers and family councilors etc. He faced the truth that he wasn't going to see his kids over Christmas and we made plans on going to visit my sister and go to some museums. I was really looking forward to it. Today he got a call from Children's Aid and then a call from his lawyer. She wants him to have the kids for all of the Christmas break. Guess she found a new boyfriend and she wants some alone time. Our plans are finished. It is great he gets to see his kids, but I just can't stop feeling now I am coming in fourth. Another lonely Christmas for me.

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't posted in a while. College strike is over and I have been putting in the long hours. My birthday has come and gone, and NG didn't make a fuss but he did bring me out for supper on that weekend which was very nice. His ex-wife is still denying him access to the kids and I am trying to be supportive. He needs to vent a lot about this and I do understand it, but I will love the day where I don't have to hear about her anymore. I am communicating slightly better about splitting things more on a 50/50 split. NG loves to talk about our future when we are living together. I like this but then I think about marriage, really not sure about wanted to be married to a man who will have to pay his ex till she is retired. I am having a huge no effing way feeling that my money is going to go to her. Will have to wait and see what happens during the divorce. I still haven't updated my facebook about being in a relationship. Maybe once his divorce is final. Break is over now back to my huge pile of marking.

I totally understand MrsReader, lord help them if they do something wrong. I know I have "things" that I need to work on. Communicating is one thing. I am so much better with my kids, friends and at work but dammit not so great with it in a relationship. NG has done a few things that felt like my heart was getting ripped out but I just couldn't tell him. For example last week I had the pleasure of having pain from kidney stones. My kids sure didn't handle it well. Years ago I had an attack, my husband called an ambulance passed the stupid things in the emergency room and then had to call a cab to get home because my husband had a few too many drinks. I have learned to handle things on my own which I know isn't good if you want to have an intimate relationship. Although I really didn't want NG to see me in pain, I texted him I was having a few issues and he came to my house and drove me to the hospital. It was different and great having the support. Of course, hanging around the emergency room at 2 am both of us were extremely tired and he had to work the next day. I was stoned on pain meds and I know he didn't exactly say this but all I heard was "I am going to have to leave you soon". My mind flashed back to my former self and I said: "why are you here go home, I can take a cab home". He didn't leave and told me over and over again he is there for me. That split second where I thought he was leaving ripped my heart right out. Money is tight for him, because of his separation and he has been making efforts to make things 50/50. This weekend we went to his hunting camp and he said he was going to pay for everything, which he didn't and I did. Another rip at those hearts strings, but do I bring this up to him, no just take the pain. This week I have lots of friends who are taking me out for my Birthday my week is totally booked except no plans with NG. I can't even tell him, even though he is ripping out my heart I can't say to him hey sorry if you wanted to spend time with me it is all booked up because it might hurt his feelings. Just like MrsReader I am worried that I am just too sensitive to things.

Last night NG was supposed to go out with the boys to the rifle range. We have talked how it is so important to keep your friends and have hobbies. He changed his mind and spent the night with me. This man is so present in the relationship that it blows my mind. I honestly don't need "gifts" he is my gift. I just need to check my feelings when he talks about his EX. I am not sure what advice I can give you Kilm. My late husband was such a loner. NG is very outgoing but also says he not a fan of crowds. I have a few friends that are always late for things and it drives me nuts. I am a person that is always way too early for things (swear I have wasted 1/4 of my life being too early), we are sometimes just different. If you look at different cultures they are so much different than the Northern American way and much more forgiving when it comes to time. (my international students are always late for class, drives me insane but this is acceptable behavior in India & China?? ) I have seen so many people change their personality in large crowds, that darn ego gets in their way. I would say I would think the same as you on that. The Needy part, now that one is hard. Most of us have a bit of blending in our relationships. We want a partner that is there for us but what the heck do we do when we have to attend to other things but our new relationship also needs us. That question I have no idea how to answer.

Happy Wednesday everyone. I love my new relationship with NG. He is practically everything I ever wanted. If I could, I would spend every minute with him. Of course, I know this isn’t rational, after all, we all have careers and our own families. With DH I really could have been a better communicator I see that. There were some “toxic” things in our marriage, and I sure don’t want ever to go down that path again. I have mentioned previous posts NG is going through a divorce and money is tight. I was footing the bill on things more than he was but now he is making sure we spend things 50/50. His EX is causing some issues with child custody, and he has been ranting a bit about it. I am being supportive and listen to him. This woman got everything she wanted and then more. I was the submissive wife who went 25 years and had a husband that never even bought her jewelry or rarely anything else. I went twenty years without a Christmas gift, so my kids could have Christmas. How do I share this with NG? In a few weeks, it is my birthday. Last year was my 50th birthday, and I celebrated. Went and saw Adele and had my first birthday cake in 20 years. It felt great!! He brought up if he had to buy me a present. I felt so awkward with this and said no I rather spend time with him, but my heart did sink a wee bit. We then talked about Christmas I suggested instead of Christmas gifts we plan on going away for a few days during the Christmas break and we haven’t talked about since then. Last night we talked, and he asked if there was anything I needed him to do for me. I have some plumbing issues at my house, but for some reason, I keep putting off calling a plumber, I know he is good at plumbing, but I just can’t ask him to do it. I think I am just afraid of him saying no, that I can’t even ask the question. I have read that you should be asking your partner for help but damn it I am having a hard time with it.

I did the therapy, hobbies and found a few new friends. I didn't have the greatest marriage as well and one of my biggest wishes was to find someone and have a special relationship. I too also had that stage where it didn't matter what I did I had that lonely feeling. I tried the online dating thing and really wasn't great at it. That TRUST thing I think was a huge problem for me. I was about to have another long break from it all and a guy sent me a message. I will admit he was different than the other guys and finally, we met and this time it has been fantastic. Maybe I have reinvented myself hard to say, or I am just more comfortable with myself. Maybe we need to grieve, get lonely, find our single selves and then when we are lonely we are ready for our new partners? I know it is a big step, especially when our previous relationship wasn't ideal. I also don't have really any good answers as well CJF, but I do know how you feel. Keep posting, that is what I did when I felt the same way you do.

Is there a book called "have a life"? I remember going through the photo books after my husband passed and noticing I had pictures of him, the kids and him with the kids but not so many pictures of myself. I was always the one taking the pictures. At the time I didn't realize what a hidden life we had. It does bother me to think that my kids might think why isn't their pictures of Mom after I pass. Now I try to have more pictures taken of myself, and it does feel a little weird. Last year even had a professional photographer take pictures of the boys and I. Sadly I don't think there is one picture of all of us. I take a lot of pictures our NG and our adventures and a few selfies of us. I see the importance of this now. Not sure why I was so clueless before. I totally agree Arneal that we need our own lives. My life before centered around my husband, kids, and work. I had no hobbies and really no friends. When he passed and realizing that you had no one was hell. Then finding yourself and friends was a challenge but I am so thankful that I put the effort in. Now having NG in my life is pretty damn good but I know there will always be new challenges and I am pretty sure I can take it on. I am also ready to ask for help and very thankful for all of you. TGIF!! Off to NG's hunting camp tonight. It is going down to -7C tonight and snow is in the forecast. It is going to be great. Have a great weekend everyone.

Even though I would love to have more alone time with NG I agree he needs to see his kids more. My kids are older and really don't want to spend any time with NG and I, hey I get it. I encourage that they find their own way (and secretly hoping they move out of my house but that is another matter), but Andy's kids do want to spend time with us and I really enjoying younger kids. NG said because of this he knows his EX is extremely jealous. She can move in with a guy six weeks into the separation but she wants him to suffer for life. NG's Mom has told me how his ex is, she has been one evil bitch for a long time and I don't anticipate she is going to be changing anytime soon. So what is best for the kids, that is the question? The oldest has autism the younger one also has development issues. He has tried calling and texting his sons and so far no reply. I am guessing she has blocked his number. I hope his lawyer contacts him today. Thanks, everyone, this is all new territory for me.

I am really falling for NG, but what people go through in a separation is horrible. For some reason, NG and his ex never got a legal separation. They have been separated for two years and he pays what I think is a pretty high support/child support every month. He gets to see his kids every two weeks for the weekend. He is finally going to a lawyer to straighten all of this out and proceed with the divorce. Now for my question. On the weekend he had the kids and they were acting up (like siblings do). The kids weren't listening to him so he raised his voice and hit the wall with his hand to get their attention. Not sure about you but I have done this, I think many parents have. His oldest son who has autism is having a hard time at school. My sons at 13 years old also had a hard time, I think it was puberty kicking in. His son got in trouble and he said to the teacher that it was because he Dad was upset at him. The school called the EX which texted him, that she is denying any contact with the kids unless he is supervised. He is so upset, the only advice I could give was to call his lawyer. He has and he is still waiting for her to call him back. Does anyone have any experience with this?

I really want to try archery as well Arneal, but a little afraid of being injured as well. Communication, that strange beast. My weekend was great, spent it with NG at his hunting camp. He made me open up a little more regarding my past. It is different having a partner that really want to get to know you. I have gone most of my life with no one really being there for me so this is really different. I am having a few issues exposing that part of myself, I rather focus on the present. We are talking more about our future together. This feels good and strange to me. We talked about that there might be a time where his son with autism comes and lives with us. Right now I would love it if my kids would move out. I am tired of cleaning up after them and supporting them even though one of them works full time, but I am open to having his son live with us. Can't figure out why at 50 would I even want to raise another kid. But I do like kids, but don't necessarily like young adult males (speaking of my kids). His ex-left him for another guy doesn't work and told NG she is never going to marry him so he might be paying spousal support for a while. This woman can be very cruel to the kids, and I have an issue with this. I might be talking like a feminist but hey woman get out there and work. I have three jobs at the college (one part of me is on strike right now) because I had to support my family and we all know all the struggles other widows/widowers have gone through, the thought of this woman doing this really pisses me off. NG and his ex have a meeting with the lawyers next month to start their divorce agreement., I know none of this I have a control of. Sorry for the vent.

Last night I opened up to more of the "ugly", NG cried with me. This is what I want a relationship where the other person knows almost everything, and slowly I am doing that. I can't believe I have only known this guy for three months, feels like we have known each other for so much longer.

I also let him retell the story. It's when he says he is free, then isn't, then right back to being free that is sometimes challenging. Unfortunately, some of this is out of his control. His Mom is recently widowed and he helps her out. Hard to get too upset about that. All in all our relationship is going extremely well. Still waiting for my sons to be a little more accepting but who am I kidding I knew it was going to be like this. Still working on the communication thing. NG says I am opening up to him which is good, just really not sure if you have to share all the "nasty" stuff with a new partner.

Communication..... I really need to work on that. I have had so many issues with not being a good communicator, even with DH I just couldn't voice my words because I was so afraid of hurting him which actually caused a lot of pain and suffering on my end. NG loves to talk but sometimes I don't think he remembers what he said, I know it just could be a guy thing but it is frustrating but I have no idea how to bring it up.

My thoughts are with you.

Arneal, I think your weekend went well too. My oldest son has always been challenging and NG has pointed out that maybe he has some autism issues as well. It is challenging. Just wanted everyone to know that NG did the shopping and didn't ask me for any money. After work, we are off to his hunting camp for a long weekend together.

Loving this thread so much. I was having so much with this that I actually did a few online courses etc on "Dating Like a Grown Up". Yep, I paid the big bucks, to grow some balls to handle dating.

Great responses everyone. I agree with you Arneal, I don't lend money and actually, expect to get it back. What he owes me is under $100 so no I am not really worried about it and his handyman skills have saved me so much I really feel bad even complaining about it, but yet I have. I had one friend that took advantage of me financially and I am just a little worried that I might be doing it again. NG is a heavy duty mechanic and makes good money but if he makes more his spousal support goes up. My salary bounces around from semester to semester and right now I am making extremely good money but putting in long hours for it. Andy wants to help me where ever he can, but until my sons accept him I have to turn him down on most of the chores he wants to do around the house. I need to work on this sharing and communication thing. You are so right Arneal, dating is so junior high.

Hope everything goes well on Sunday Arneal. My NG’s sons are adopted the oldest has autism, and the youngest has fetal alcohol syndrome. NG was so when I met them because they can be a handful, but honestly, I just see kids, and we get along very well. NG still hasn’t met my oldest but maybe on Sunday. Thanks everyone for your responses on allowing someone to help you. This is one quality I want in a partner, and I am trying to let it happen. I have been married twice before and never had a guy who wanted to help me more than Andy. He has opened up so much to me, and this is another quality I want so much. To have intimacy have a partner. I have opened up and shared things in my pass, and I have hinted at things in my life that wasn't very nice, but no I haven’t opened up everything. Is this something I should do? Now for another question. NG is separated and pays a hefty spousal support, a huge truck payment, and lawyer bills. Money is tight for him. He isn’t in debt (besides truck payment) and refuses to go into debt. He is very open about all this. Me, on the other hand, I haven’t shared too much of my financial issues, but I do have a little more free cash than him. There have been a few times where he has neglected to pay me back. It isn’t a huge amount, but it is there. Next weekend we are going to his hunting camp. We have planned this for a while now. He mentioned a few times that this weekend is on him until yesterday he said things are tight, and he might have to dip into his savings for groceries on the weekend. I so much want a relationship that communications well but I am having a very hard time on when to communicate. Do I bring up he said he would pay, stay quiet or just offer to pay for the food? I am 50 years old you would think I would be able to know how to answer this.

Congrats

Everything is going very well with NG. Hard to believe it has only been 9 weeks since we have met, I feel like we have known each other for a very long time. Everything I wanted in a partner is in this man. Feels great but then there is that part in your brain just waiting for some kind of deal breaker to happen. (weird how our brains work). I have met his Mom and his kids. Told my kids a week ago. Youngest took it not so bad, oldest not so well. Last night NG came over to my house met my youngest my oldest avoided us. Just letting my kids adapt to all of this. Need everyone's opinion on one thing which I find kind of interesting. After my husband's passing, I really had a hard time excepting that I have to do everything on my own. I remember being so angry that friends/family weren't giving me support. Sometime during this journey, I guess I have just accepted I have to do everything on my own. Now letting someone help feels good and very strange to me at the same time. Anyone else having the same problem?

Hope everything works out for both of you. Last week I tried to tell my sons about NG but my eldest (the one that you need to eat your Wheaties before addressing anything serious) didn't want to listen to me. So now I want to tell them separately and start with my youngest son who is a bit more reasonable. Last weekend met NG's sons. They are 13 & 10 and are special needs kids. All I saw was kids, NG was getting upset because they were acting up a bit. I think he is so nervous that I will hit the hills but seriously all I saw were kids. I actually thought this was going to be a problem, being 50 I didn't want to deal with young kids unless they are grandkids but I really enjoyed meeting them. Met NG's Mom last night. What an amazing woman 82 and she looks 62. I really like her too. Just can't believe this is my life right now.

Never thought I would be posting on this thread but here I am!! Four weeks have gone by with NG, and so far it has been amazing. We just fit. Still, haven't told our children and I am in no hurry. The time we have together is our time.

Beautiful, thank you.