anniegirl

I know it hurts. I'm sorry. Sometimes when ppl are ready to settle down, they find/attract other ppl who are just as ready and things move fast. It doesn't negate relationships that came before and it doesn't replace them. They are new relationships in their own right. Timing is an important factor in relationships working or not. Yours and his didn't mesh. That just happens. But it does suck. Be gentler with yourself. His moving on isn't about you or the relationship you two had. It's about him and what he wants from life and for himself. Focus on you and what you really need and just give it some more time.

What does your GF think? Has she and Ex sat down and discussed the situation? You're right that a 12 yr old is only going to become more difficult b/c they can and they know that eventually, they will win. A teenager can't be forced to visit the way a younger child can. I am not sure where you and GF stand on parenting issues. Are you a team or do you still mostly solo even though you are all living together? If you are routinely parenting as a unit, you should broach a discussion about how you view the situation. Suggest sitting down with the 12 yr old and try to get to the bottom of her reluctance and then maybe between you and GF and Dad, come up with a solution. One that the girl gets some say in. Ownership is important to kids that age. They are old enough to know their mind and to have preferences and to be taken seriously as autonomous beings. Blending is hard. It's important to be a united front (with Dad if possible) and remember that it's not personal or about you adults. Kids go through phases. It's easier to ride them out then fight against them.

I don't think it's odd but it is at odds with how people think we should feel.

Aw, ((Jen)), if I could give you the recipe for leaving the misery part behind, I would. Cuz, it's always a sadness, but it's not always misery. It's been so long now that I don't really remember when things settled down. I was so busy that first year with work, grad school, parenting. I do know that if you want a different life, you have to make it for yourself. That's what I wanted and I had a plan, which was creeping along but it was a forward movement, and I was determined. But in one way, I was luckier than most widowed because I was able to take an extended sick leave and so I went about 6 months without working. I had school and child, but I also had daycare (yes, I was that much of a bad parent that I took her to daycare/preschool even when I wasn't working) and over the summer, my niece doubled as a part-time nanny. So I really made an effort to give myself a ton of space and recovery time. Where nothing much was expected of me and I could take long meandering strolls (sometimes outdoors and sometimes I just pushed a cart around Target) and I babied myself. I avoided. Turtled. Ignored. Daydreamed. Schemed. Reminded myself that my kids was portable and everything else was replaceable so the only thing holding me back was me. And though nearly everyone at the YWBB told me not to - every time the tears started, I shut them down. Because I was done mentally and emotionally it was killing me. So I treated grief like it was a bad habit and I set out to kick it. That is not kosher advice, and I am not suggesting that you do anything of the sort, but I recognize your pain. I was there. This is what I did. This is still your life, and you are still in charge of it. There are some things we can't control, but there are a lot of things that we can.

I stood at LH's grave once and yelled at him until I was hoarse, so absolutely no judgement from me. I'm sorry your trip went awry and that your trip back was so emotionally stressful. I know you will continue to feel whatever you need to feel for a while, but you needn't feel guilty about it. It's okay to feel and it's okay to share it.

kjs1989, it is nice to have a family that enjoys each others' company, but that's not everyone's reality, so don't let that hold you back. You and G can still have a future that includes all the kids but just not all at the same time.

I don't look at it as not caring or losing ambition as much as it's simply a shift in focus. Things I once found important just don't fit with who I am now. My husband, also widowed, has come to the same conclusion - although having been a mildy ambitious person before, it took him a bit longer to let go and be okay with the shift. I think though that it's possible to find great ambition(s) post any traumatic event but in my experience, it's not the norm.

My oldest step-daughter's ex had a family like that. His father's GF basically dealt with it by arranging either separate gatherings or by moving gatherings to neutral settings - like a resturant. The benefit of the latter option is that it vastly shortens time spent together and being in public sometimes tempers ppl prone to atrocious behavior. But if this isn't possible or still sounds too daunting - take a holiday. I know ppl who use holidays to neatly avoid family gatherings and cover their tracks by saying "it's the only time we can get away, so sorry". There's no good reason to spend awkward and emotionally taxing holidays with anyone just because they are related to you in some way. And by the way, your kids sound lovely.

kjs1989, do the kids not get along? Or do they just not know what to do around each other? Former would be a problem. Latter is more a matter of time. I don't have anything in common with my own siblings aside from our shared history. It's the history that makes it possible to spend holidays and such together b/c I would never choose ppl like them as friends. 2ish years is not time enough for much history. That will come though as long as everyone "plays nice". Your kids are adults or nearly so. You won't get to pick their partners. You'll simply deal. Same should be true for them. imo.

Someone back on the old board once pointed out that it would be awkward to bring a date to your late spouse's funeral but that's about it for rules. Wanting companionship is pretty much why most people date. There is nothing awful about realizing you are lonely and wanting not to be. Perfectly human. In my opinion, when you start thinking about dating and mostly like the idea, you are probably ready to at the very least explore the possibility. A date is just a date. Sex can be just sex as long as everyone is on the same page.

Just a guess but that reads to me like a guy who was tired of dates that turned into counseling sessions. I can relate. Nearly every guy I met while on the dating sites was divorced and I heard more than I cared to about the issues leading up to the divorce and the on-going drama since. Yes, we have pasts and yes, they will come up but when they make up the bulk of dinner conversations (or any conversation), you are not really dating, are you? Dating should be about getting to know more about a person than just the trauma and turmoil, imo. When my husband and I started dating, we explored a lot more than our mutual grief. In fact, grief was rather quickly shelved as a topic b/c there was so much more to talk about and discover. The other thing to remember about dating sites is that some people are just there to date for fun. They are necessarily looking for much depth. Which is good to know up front.

It's not generally true, but I have noticed that people who have trouble wrapping their minds around the concept that others have pasts too seem to think there are blank slates in the world just waiting to be discovered. I think they have trouble with relationships regardless, and it's not widow specific. If you want to date, date. Don't let "what if's" put you off. Just remember that dates are just dates. Not commitments. And you are free to take a pass on anyone at any point for any reason.

Ppl who've never known someone widowed (other than maybe a grandparent) seem to get a lot of their information about us from movies, television and books, which tend to stereotype us and the way we are supposed to feel about our situation and act when dating again. I am remarried to a widower, but I did date a bit before I met him and I found that either men didn't seem to give my widow status much thought at all or they tended to look at me as either broken and in need of rescue or - oddly - a good catch b/c I was "proven". Stereotypes abound in dating. Never marrieds face odd prejudices as do divorced, so stands to reason we will too. The only thing to do really is just remind potential dates and new love interests that you are a real person and not a character from a made for tv Christmas movie (because they teem with widowed characters it seems) and when a cliche arises, squash it. If you weren't ready/didn't want to date and build a new life with someone else, you wouldn't be doing it, right? There's no need to pretend or make excuses for being an adult whose lived life as opposed to be a Barbie doll fresh from the packaging and the up side of not coddling ppl is that it's a great way to weed out keepers from throw backs.

Getting rid of the "like" count is a good idea, imo. However, I like the "like" button. It's a way to agree with comments when you don't have words yourself and to show the OP that you did read even if you hadn't anything to offer in the form of a post. Liking is also a safe way for ppl, who might otherwise just lurk, to engage as well.

Money problems can strain any relationship and having different visions of the future (like where to live) can too. You also have a bit of an age difference that puts you in different life stages. It's not impossible to turn things around with communication and commitment to mutually agreed upon goals but it's also okay to decide that the relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. What do you really want? That's the question and the answer will help you decide what the course of action is.

I'm so sorry. The last days are very difficult and it does feel as though they are gone long before they are physically gone.

Divorce stats are meaningless unless you drill them down by age, education level and income. There are a lot of factors in what contributes to long term success or not and the definition of what constitutes a successful marriage varies. Children are a big factor in whether 2nd marriages thrive but I don't think it is luck when they do succeed or an accident when they don't. Kids don't act out in vacuum for no discernible reason. Nor do they step up and pitch in "just cuz". Successful relationships - like failed ones - occur for many reasons, but successful ones, in my experience, are not left to chance. They were planned. Mom and Dad were on the same page. There was lots of communicating going on. Lots of honesty. Lots of reality checking and lots and lots of work - some of it hard and some of it just the normal being the parent thing. Ultimately, we all find our own paths post widowhood. There is no one best destiny. It's individual.

Sold it. Moved to another country to remarry. Had I not met my husband though, I still would have sold it. That house's days were numbered as surely as my LH's were after the diagnosis. You don't owe that house anything.

Little ones change the dynamics. My daughter was four. Husband's girls were 22 and 24. But they are sisters now at 13, 30 and just 33. And it was work for my husband to go from mostly empty nest to practically starting over. It's doable. If it's what you really want.

When we decided to live together and marry, we just made plans and did it. We were careful to keep an eye on the kids but their trepidation was simply managed the way we would manage any other "kid" thing that came up whether it was "normal garden variety" or grief related. You know your situation best but have you and NG ever sat down and brainstormed moving to the next level plans for real? Do you talk to your kids about the future, pointing out that it might be sooner than they realize and they have a role to play? I know I am a minority opinion, but I don't think that waiting on kids to grow up and move on is the best plan when you are certain you've found love again.

Glad you are okay. If NG is just a distraction, it's not surprising he isn't overly concerned. He probably is aware of his role in your life. Speaks well of you Ex that he stepped up. Feel better.

Fern's story brings up an interesting point. Those who are usually the most critical of our ability to take care of business during these traumatic times are nearly always the ones who are the least helpful. Consider the source when criticized and file it appropriately.

Husband and I are were engaged by the time we knew each other 3 months. We have been married now for 8 years together nearly 9. Trust yourself and don't overthink.

A need for order? No. Order was something that dominated my life in the caregiving and early widowhood stages because it was necessary but I dumped that as soon as I could because it was exhausting. I do find though that I loathe having too much whether it is stuff or obligations, there is an overload point now that I don't recall previously. I like simple. I like less. I like unhurried and calm. I think this is not related to widowhood though as much as age. I am at the age known as "too old for this shit" and my only lament is that I didn't get here sooner. I try to not sweat things because usually the worst thing that could happen if something is out of place, not finished or late is pretty much nothing. Or something fairly close to nothing. In terms of habits that developed in the run up to or following widowhood, it seems to me that they aren't random. They were a response to something. If a habit is hanging on, maybe it is still responding to something and once you figure out what it is - you can let it go.

I felt that way more just after LH died b/c he was sick a long time and much of my life simply became care-taking and I personally felt always in a holding pattern. But at nearly ten years out, the life I had prior to his illness is like watching a movie or reading a book that I vaguely recall unless I really try, which of course, I don't.