anniegirl

That was my approach and it was my husband's approach too. We were grown ups. It was our life. We were polite but we were firm with kids, parents, siblings, extended family, in-laws and friends. Once you give away power, it's extremely hard and more-damaging to get it back than if you'd simply hung on to it in the first place, imo. When we were ready to move forward, we simply did. We discussed everything. We let kids and others know as they needed to and we just did what needed to be done. Not everyone was happy but they eventually worked their way through it on their own. You can't do it for them and if you wait for them to be ready before you start living again, you may never get the chance to live again. It sounds like you have a great guy. Formulate a plan together and starting building your life. Worrying is not going to make anything happen or not. You can't control others and you can't protect them either. Resistance is generally their grief and only they can deal with it.

Abitlost, I'm sorry. Blending is work and everyone has to buy in at some point to make it work. That doesn't always happen even when you do everything you can and need to. I ran across this quote on FB today. You're not a failure.

You'll find the right words. My mother and my aunt have been trying to off-load family stuff from my late father and my grandmother and I put them off until I decided that - yes, I did actually want the stuff and it wouldn't simply be clutter I would one day push on my children. It's really not all that unusual for heirlooms and mementos to sit until someone is ready/has a place for them. My step-daughters are still collecting things of their mother from our house because they either didn't have room or just weren't ready to claim things. Oh, and if he has offered things to his girlfriend - as long as they weren't loaded with meaning - keep in mind that some people are really pragmatic about things. My husband thought it was fine for me to "take what I wanted" from a box of his LW's clothes when we were getting ready for a garage sale. I very tactfully pointed out how "creepy as hell" that was and his eyes got all big and he was "oh, right" and very sheepish. To some people, it's just stuff. jmo.

You told him to hang on to things. Presumably he has. Just tell him that now you are ready to take those things. Do it when he's sober and don't bring up the girlfriend. Those kinds of conversations just never end well. Good luck. Had a drunk dad myself. Loads off non-fun.

Poor timing on your friend's part and certainly she could have tried to see this from your point of view. If it's tools and work related stuff that still is useful, have you thought about contacting a school or training centre that might be able to find people who need those things. I know that the school system where I live takes donated tools for their Tech/Shop classes. Maybe there is something like that near you? Or possible newcomer centres for immigrants? Ours takes all sorts of donations of things to help people set up when they arrive and don't necessarily have the ready funds to buy all the things they need. Churches too might now of charities or people in need. It's amazing how much stuff we accumulate and don't realize it until we have to off load it.

Yes, enjoy. Why not? Life is hard enough.

Perhaps a rousing chorus of "Let it Go" is in order? You know, it's okay to let people who love you take care of you.

My LH made less money than me. I was the "sugar-daddy" and it bugged him and I said, "I like being able to do this." And he chilled (mostly) but he insisted on doing things like yardwork, for example, and that was that. My husband out-earned me by a lot and when we were dating, he picked up the tab. Always. And it was weird but that's what made him happy so my fallback position was "doing things" like cooking and such and that was that. If this really bugs you, and you feel that you must reciprocate - then do it. Tell him to deal. I would, however, caution against go full on housekeeper. In my experience, everyone is happier when they feel equal regardless of how equal is achieved. It's about contributing and doing for each other too. imo.

I know what you mean. And it is hard to describe. But it is normal. Life has this sort of duel quality to it for a while. You are in the present and the past at the same time though you are the only one who realizes it. To everyone else, you are here and now. It fades. Over time the past is the past and now is now. I hate having to tell people that "you just need time" because it feels so unhelpful but it's the reality. There are still bumpy times in the second year but even though it feels like a setback, you are still moving forward.

It's just the ebb and flow. You haven't gone backwards. You're not starting over. You are still moving forward. This just happens. Will happen again but less and less as time passes. Bad days still happen in the second year. It sometimes comes as a shock because we think we've turned some magic corner or passed a finish line a while back, so it's disappointing. Maybe even worrisome. Missing never stops. Questioning either. The latter can become a loop in your mind that plays constantly. I have no advice. I can only tell you that I simply decided to not allow myself to get caught up when the questions and the memories get stirred up. Some people believe in leaning in. I prefer to walk away. Mostly because I can't change anything by rehashing it and it never makes me feel better to do so in any case. You find a way to move through these times that suits you. We all do. In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself. This is a process and it's still pretty new to you. It's going to be okay.

Melbar, I dated a guy (for a very short while) who was adamant on his kid time. He didn't last for other reasons but the fact that he seemed to think that our kids were like his/her towels - and really expressed little interest in being a father to my child - rankled quite a bit. After that, I assessed (and was upfront about) the fact that I expected any man who wanted to be with me had to understand that being a father to my child was not optional. I know that many people do this. They keep parenting separate from their relationship but personally, I can't see how that would work with kids still in the house. Even though my older girls were both living on their own my husband and I wed (and he thought they wouldn't need a new mom), I have done a fair bit of parenting with both of them. You might want to ask yourself why your boyfriend's announcement stung so much and consider having a conversation with him about it. Better than letting things simmer and stew. No, you won't be his kids' mother but a step-mother is hardly an empty title when they are growing up under your roof too. And he is the only father (or father figure) your kids now have and, imo, they have the right to define that relationship and how much or little it means to them for themselves. The majority of people I know (real and virtual) who've blended have managed pretty well. It's work, lots of communication and there are expectations for everyone involved. And yes, this can suck the romance out of a relationship, so remember to put that on the priority to-do list as well.

Totally agree. Be the parents. It's work. But it's worth it long run. That's not everyone's ideal but from my experience, as much as possible it's so important that everyone feels that they belong and things are as fair and equal as you can make it. We had my four year old and two young 20 something's. It took a good two years to get to a point where everyone was settled and comfy. It was not always work but when it was work - it sure felt like work. I think blending is totally possible and worth making the goal.

Dating and relationships can't be forced but they don't happen by magic either. And while it's perfectly possible to be happy single or coupled, you are the best judge of which works for you. And that can change with tiime. When I was younger, I hated being single but as I hit my 30's, I began to like it and I wasn't really sure I wanted to give it up when I met LH. I waffled a bit in the beginning before jumping into that relationship and then marrying. I was married only a very short time really as LH's illness meant that nearly half our marriage was really just me, caretaking and holding things together without anything meaningful from him, so I felted cheated and I felt that being married was definitely something I needed to do again because it suited me better than going back to being single. It was about where I was in my life and what I needed. A relationship, or not, should ideally be about what you need and want and finding someone whose needs and wants align. You can't sit back passively and expect single life to be all you want. You have to make that happen. Same is true with dating and recoupling. It requires a bit (or more) of effort.

I agree with Trying. This is their problem and not yours but should anything come up that causes your new love distress via this - it's kinda up to you to address it. My husband's SILs were polite enough to me during the first year or so but privately each one confronted him about his moving on "too soon" and while he was restrained, he made it clear that this was not their business and he expected them to be adults and deal. If they needed to vent, they needed to find other ways to do it that didn't involve him or me. It's sad when people project their fears and insecurities onto others but we don't have stand still and be target practice.

As Laurel says, this is your dd's version of normal and normal varies from family to family. If you and your partner treat this as a given, she will too. The mother of an old high school friend was widowed before marrying my friend's dad. There was a picture of him on the family photo wall as long as she could remember. She thought it was cool. My daughter takes for granted her extended family that includes my husband's late wife's family. It is all cousins and such to her. She has no difficulty with it and as for the sadness, according to my child, "People die. There's nothing you can do about it." She's seen a lot of it in her short life but aside from her rather matter-of-fact take, she isn't prone to upset or melancholia. It's just life to her. Kids take there cues from us.

I never had a DR suggest this but I don't doubt the link between caregiving and physical ailments because I can see them in myself, my husband (who was a caregiver to his late wife) and in my mother, who was a caregiver for many years for my father and recently for my aunt. The physical toil is plain as day. I think that your DR isn't entirely correct in her theory that stronger people tend to suffer more ailments. My LH's mother broke down on a regular basis and this didn't seem to prevent the toil that stress has taken on her. Do you think that talk therapy might be beneficial? Medication even? Personally, I found writing (blogging) to be quite useful and yoga. I am wary of medication but only because the new research suggests that it's not as effective as it was made out to be and that other things like exercise, meditation and simply getting good sleep on a regular basis works just as well or better. I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to suffer the effects of stress long after the fact and I am (ten years on) still dealing with physical aftereffects though they are less and less because I really made an effort to rid myself and my life of unnecessary stress and I don't "suck it up" and "soldier on" but that doesn't lead anyway good. Bottom line is that whatever the cause, you shouldn't ignore it. Ignoring is what we caregivers learned to do because we had to and it's a habit that should be thrown out as soon as possible because it's not a good one.

Been trying to think how to answer this question (and I don't believe there is one right answer) but this sums up, imo, how you know you are beyound active grief: I don't think it's selfish to be focused on yourself. I think it's normal and simply part of the progression onward. As time moves on, losses get put in a box that sits until something prompts us to acknowledge it, peek inside or unpack it. I have noticed that moving past active grief, as hard on us as that it, loss becomes a different sort of struggle that isn't necessarily relief. I know that people hope there is a finish line but there isn't. You will always miss and be sad and ponder the unfairness. But for most, it's less and less as life becomes more and more about now and the future (near or far).

Candace, I am so sorry you have having to carry this heavy load by yourself. You mention that you are on meds for depression. Have you talked to your DR about how the stress and sorrow are impacting you. Perhaps you need a prescription change or a referral to a therapist? It's not going to change reality but it might provide you with some relief. Also, is there a group/organization that supports caregivers in your area? If there is, think about contacting them. They might be able to help. I know it's hard but taking care of yourself first is the most important thing you can do. Take it one day at a time. Don't put any pressure on yourself about the future. It cant wait.

I had no rules or lists or anything. When I felt like dating again, I just dated. But my husband planned to wait a full year. He had a list of what he wanted to accomplish in that year and of the type of person he was looking for when he did start dating again. And then he met me. He was four months out. We will be married eight years this month. Don't worry so much about what you planned and allow yourself to just feel what you feel and take a chance if that's what you feel like doing.

I am not particularly close or bestie with any of my siblings but my mother and I are close. In the first year of widowhood, she and I clashed a lot. More than we ever had. Not even when I was a teenager. She could give me no advice at all that didn't rub me the wrong way. It got so bad that I stopped talking to her for a week and my sister had to intervene to patch things up. Even in retrospect, I am not sure what was going on other than - life had taken a drastic turn and everyone was reeling a bit. When someone dies, everyone has to shift and find their new place. The best thing, imo, is to keep lines of communication open and as drama free as possible, realizing that this probable a best case scenario that won't always happen. My sister (who has no daughters) loves to give me advice about mine. I mostly ignore her. If she had asked me something like that about a swimsuit, I would likely have been very matter of fact "Why no, it's a vintage swimsuit." And let her stew in her embarrassment. I am sorry to hear that your weekend didn't work out as planned but glad that you got things straightened out. As for your family, you might seem like yourself to you but they probably see things differently and are trying to figure things out still. Best thing is to simply just remember that you can't control anyone but you and to be very clear on how you want to be treated. Usually things settle and conflicts resolve without much more than doing that.

My daughter was four when I began dating my second husband. As it was a long distance relationship, he would come and stay with us. The visits in the beginning were short - never more than a weekend - and she took to my husband (now her father is all sense of the word save biological) very quickly. I agree that it's unwise to expose kids to those we date too soon but at some point, you have to see how they are going to get along. Your therapist is preaching the extreme end of caution and that's probably got a lot to do with her own personal opinions more than it being a generally recognized rule of thumb when dating with kids. But, therapists are sounding boards. In the end, you know yourself, your child and what's best and it's your decision to make. It sounds like a lot of fun and I hope you all enjoy yourselves.

You are not pitiful and the road does suck but people are walking it next to you, ahead of you and coming up behind you. I know how hard it is to be in moment and forget the past and not fear the future so I won't tell you to enjoy yourself - though I hope you do - because you don't need that kind of pressure. Just breathe. You all made it through the school year.

Yes, "adult" children are require a different kind of patience. I can understand your boyfriend's difficulty. There have been times when I thought my husband was simply allowing too much time for this or that but it always worked out (and it helped enormously that both girls lived on their own and not with us). I am a doer though when it comes to kid issues. Probably because I was a teacher for so long and because I had to deal with so many kids at once, waiting on this or that one to "get with the program" wasn't an option. So I prefer the - "here's your options (which were all fine by me) pick one". With the option not to choose never being an option. You know the old saying "more than one way to skin a cat"? The day hasn't yet arrived when someone half my age will stand in the way of what needs to happen for the long term good. Don't stress. But do give your boyfriend a listen if he has suggestions about this dilemma. My husband assumed that I wouldn't have any idea of how to parent 20-somethings because my daughter was so young but I have been right on the money a lot. My husband is a lot of amazing and wonderful things but he was never a young woman. I understand them better than he does sometimes.

One of the first guys I dated was a year out from testicular cancer. He kept the information from me when we first started chatting online because I was widowed, and though his prognosis was very good (he's alive and well today as far as I know), it freaked me out. Of course the man who is now my husband had a heart attack shortly after our second wedding anniversary - scared the crap out of me, but six years later he is fine - but, you're right. No guarantees.

No disagreement from me or husband. In fact, LH would agree with you too because his mother became a widow at 33 when he was not quite seven. I remember him telling her once that she let him call the shots far too much and too often when she was dating and that he regretted that she hadn't put him in his place (when he was about 13 he apparently chased off a fellow who was very serious about his mother and she was considering marriage with). Stop that! Seriously. It's not good for you. I don't know if this has come up but what does your boyfriend think? I only ask because from very early on, my husband and I discussed the kids (though two were technically adults) and what to do about this or that often.