anniegirl

I don't want you to think that it was a constant battle over the first two years. It wasn't. But issues came up over that time period that simply don't anymore. My sister's SIL left all four of her teenagers home (and with an older relative from her family to watch them) when my sister threw her husband a big family/friend 50th b-day party. She did this because the weekend before they'd all behaved atrociously at another big event and she told them "I am going to have a good time and you aren't going to ruin it again." So they were grounded, with a babysitter, and stuck at home for an entire weekend. I am told they haven't behaved poorly since. Sometimes, you have to lay down the law and remind kids what the chain of command is and who is in charge, but as someone else mentioned - it pays to pick your battles. It's not being a doormat to make sure that when you do go on the warpath, all conditions and odds are in your favor.

When you are ready to look back and sort through, you just will. I don't feel my LH around because I am pretty sure he's gone. LH died on a Monday night and by the time, everything was taken care of, it was well past midnight. Surprisingly, I was able to sleep and bit and when I did, I had a dream where I saw him and two other young men (later I realized that they were probably two highschool buddies of his who'd both committed suicide when they were in university - deaths that impacted LH greatly). They were packing up the trunk of LH's old car. The one another friend of his had totaled shortly before we met. LH never looked my way and even from the distance, I could see he was happy and excited about the trip he and his friends where going on and then they climbed into the vehicle and drove away. Occasionally a song will come on the radio when I am vexed or worried or I will hear it and it will remind me that the day is an anniversary of this or that. But otherwise, he is living his destiny and I am living mine. And that's okay.

I agree. If it's not a formal situation, just bring him along. I did have this dilemma much. LH's friends blamed me for his death (illogical nonsense that had no grounding in anything factual) and they'd long since cut me and my daughter out of their social circles (even before LH died really). My bff and her husband (who was an old high school buddy of LH's) were super supportive and never once excluded my husband back when we were dating. It was only awkward once. A bbq at there place where some of the old circle were also in attendance. Husband said to me after, "They were polite. But it's not like I would have stood there and accepted anything less." My husband has a strong aura of "don't fuck with me" about him. I never stopped to think about how anyone - family or friends - would feel about my dating, remarrying and I simply expected everyone to behave. They didn't always. The first time I took husband to meet my family, my nephew (who was 14) was a complete dick and he continued this behavior on and off until I'd had my fill of my parents not taking him to task (they were raising him) and I let him have it with both barrels during a visit. I punctuated my point by packing up and going to a hotel right on the spot. That was the end of that. My auntie and sister were all stink-eyes too but I ignored them and husband had them won over fairly quickly. I would rather just do as I please and deal with the naysayers head on. In my opinion, giving people time to sulk and stew rarely solves anything quickly. With our daughters (who were 5, 22 and 24 at the time) we were always "we know this is hard and that you are unhappy but this is reality and unhappiness is your choice. It took about two years for the three of them to fully adjust but because we simply didn't accept bad behavior, there wasn't much acting out and when there was, it was dealt with. This is your life. It will be what you decide it will be and you can only control you. I have found that when you are fairly upfront with people about what you expect and that you aren't asking for their permission, they fall in line.

My daughter is nearly 13 and has a talent for misplacing that in the past has driven everyone in the house insane. Two things happened that improved this a lot. The first was that she wanted a cellphone but we were adamant that this would never happen as long as she was regularly losing track of her iPod. And the second was that instead of yelling, I started walking her through a problem solving routine that involved tracing her steps and remembering what she was doing when last she saw the object. It took time. Probably a whole school year, but her misplacing episodes have dwindled to close to nothing. During that time too, we updated her bedroom so it was more teenage vs little girl and put up cabinets and cleaned out clutter and amazingly, her room is now clean. Patience and plan. Good luck.

LH's family was more work or trouble or toxicity (or combos of all) than was worth my time or energy. I avoided them after the funeral (which was all about them and not me or dd), which was easy because they pretty much moved on with their lives without a thought to us. I quite literally was able to move out of the country without their noticing. In fact, had my husband not prevailed upon me to finally contact one of LH's uncles to let him know we'd left (and I had remarried), they probably still would have no idea that dd and I were gone. The only thing I am sorry about was contacting them to let them know where we were. If I had to do it over, I wouldn't have. I agree that it's nice that you are trying to maintain ties with people who are drags on your life but at some point, you might want to tally up the benefits versus the downside to you and make a decision about whether this is good for you and your kids going forward.

I am sorry this happened to you. It sucks. One thing I've learned that no one is going to bring up LH unless it's me. And I mean no one. And most people are uncertain of what to do when I do bring him up. Even my husband, who is widowed himself, mostly just listens. It's one of those sad realities that at nearly ten years on, I simply accept anymore. So when I feel like bringing him up, I do, and others' reactions are simply theirs to deal with though I have yet to have anyone react negatively. I would say that if you want to talk about him - do. It's a pretty normal thing to reminisce. Maybe your bringing him up will spark others to share too.

Carey, someone you were just in contact with vanished. You were not wrong to wonder if something happened and needn't feel you should apologize - imo. I've spent about 17 years online at this or that forum. Made friends. Some of whom I still am in contact with via FB and though that will likely seem weird to some, I have never really made a distinction between my virtual friends and those I know in real time. It's just as easy to lose contact virtually as it is to drift away from real life friends but the issue with the former is that often, you never know what happened to them. I think this is a good conversation because it highlights the very different attitudes and feelings people have about the nature of online relationships. There is no reason why we should all feel the same way about this and it's good to examine our own feelings and needs. Self-awareness is not a bad thing.

The "what" is whatever you want it to be and it's not at all unusual to find that your former priorities no longer cut it. One of the hardest things, I found, was deciding where my life was going once I had no one to share it with anymore. There was no one else to consult or consider, so many of the things that I'd done because they contributed to the life LH and I were building together seemed pointless because that life wasn't ever going to be. It's okay to drift along a bit if you feel you still need time to recuperate. Grief is as exhausting as running a marathon, but if you find that this isn't necessary or is too unsettling, it's also okay to look around and decide whether status quo can be made to work or is it time to consider new options. I moved away. Gave up my career of 20 years to explore other options (I am still exploring). Built a new life that suits me better really than the one I had before. Give yourself some time. You will figure out the what now. There's no rush and there's no need to feel bad that you are feeling bad again. Grief is an ebb/flow thing.

I agree there is a difference in disagreeing with opinions and attacking people on a personal level. I think that sometimes though we don't know when to let go and agree to disagree, so that what might seem like a heated debate of differing ideas to you or I, may feel like relentless berating or even attack to someone else. A fine line to be sure. I just had a conservation (insofar as you can have them) on Twitter where I simply ended up muting the other person to put an end to it. I am sure he felt we were discussing but I had reached my fill of being talked at with a message that sounded like "you're wrong because I think so". It's even harder here because emotions are raw and we don't know all the particulars of each other's real lives. So assumptions are made and words are filtered through realities and experiences that while they have the common ground of widowhood are still individual to each of us. I think the admin and moderators are doing a pretty good job. It's not easy and they are all dealing with their own grief and lives on top of trying to be fair and balanced. I would hope that no one would feel the need to just vanish. That they could reach out, privately or in a post first. But everyone must do what is best for themselves. And sometimes that's taking a break and sometimes that's leaving.

Pammy, exactly! It's evolution. I always hesitate before I jump into discussions like these because I really don't miss my life with LH. I don't look back very often. I am happy where I am. Like you, I believe life is what it is and that when you have an opportunity to move it somewhere better via a job or person or whatever, you should jump on that.

It appears as though they've "deactivated" their accounts. On FB and Twitter, you can shut your accounts down but not delete them. I don't know how this forum works in terms of that. It's too bad if they've left. They had much to contribute but sometimes, you have to look out for yourself and step back.

New normal is a terrible term because it implies that life is set in stone rather than being divided up into stages that are defined by experiences, age, milestones. Barney is right that two years is not a long time. At two years I'd been married again for seven months and with my new husband for over a year. Did it feel more weird than being married the first time? Not really. LH and I moved in together after just a month of dating. We're engaged a few months later and married before we'd been together a year. So, same sort of "wow, this is my life now!" as opposed to what my life had been. It's not odd to continue to miss what you had even when your life now is pretty good or even great.

Better? Worse? Both? None of the above. Or all of the above. What's important when dating and settling into a relationship is very individual. The only thing that should matter is how you feel about the person and the relationship and its potential. I know widowed who are very happy together. I know widowed who've remarried divorced and never married and found that to their liking too. I know those who've recoupled with all of the above and it ended sadly to pretty badly. Our relationship history informs us. It shapes us. It colours our pov's and influences how we act and react. Some of us take our pasts (baggage, you could call it if you want) and use it to become awesome (or more awesome) partners/lovers, and some of us don't learn anything from our history other than to simply keep repeating it. If you are inclined to date again, look for a new mate even, priority, imo, is best given to finding someone who suits who you are now and who you'd like to be. Someone you like, can love and have fun with and returns your affections in kind. Widowed or not. My husband is a widower. I didn't set out to meet one but being on the YWBB, I did. What makes our relationship work (we''l be married eight years at the end of this month) is that we are incredibly compatible. So much so that we jokingly refer to each other as "my evil twin". And what keeps us going is that we prioritize each other's happiness. Being widowed is just one of many experiences in our pasts that we happen to share but it's not something we bond over or even ever talked about much after we decided to embark on a serious relationship. You will do what works for you but I would caution against limiting yourself based on labels. Odd are long on meeting widowed because there simply aren't that many of us compared to divorced and never marrieds. Stereotyping, as noted earlier, is limiting.

These things happen - no need to feel bad about it - but I agree with you that if you know the outcome is going to be slipping back into an earlier grief pattern, you should probably avoid it. I don't agree that we need to immerse ourselves in the past in order to move forward. If something hurts, don't do it. I am not a fan of the "no pain/no gain" theory. Maybe what you need is some other ritual when you are feeling out of sorts. Something that is you-centered? Hope you are feeling better today.

I hear you. And felt the same way. I didn't stop to think much beyond the most practical of details when I left the States for Canada and remarriage. Looking back, a long term plan might have been useful. Why not just dream? Imagine what your perfect scenario would look like and then figure out what steps would get you there? What might you need? What isn't practical or affordable? Maybe ask your guy to do the same and compare notes? It's such a frustrating place to be in though, I know. To have a great job and not be content. To have the house and wish it was planted on some other part of the world. For life just to generally feel like a cage that you built for yourself. There are (usually) options.

I have no idea what the original thread was about (I think) but the idea that threads can simply vanish after many have contributed to it (even if some of the contributions are of questionable or no value) is a good one. Personally, I think that flaming posts should be removed. And OPs should be allowed to edit or withdraw their posts should they choose to do so. But after that, it's still a judgement call on the part of the admins to leave the thread or delete it based on whether or not it has value to the group as a whole. The beauty of this site (like the YWBB before) was the history. The advice and stories that people were willing to share helped countless who never did more than simply read. Everyone who posts here is creating an archive for those here and those who will be here someday. Admins are curators of this information in a way. I don't know what Fleur asked, but if the question was "is it worth it to come here and participate if someone can erase it?", I would come down on the side of "yes" but this incident does point out that Widda is a community and the community should have some say in how situations like this should be addressed going forward, imo.

Addiction is indeed very hard on people around the afflicted. It takes a long time to put it behind you. My father was an alcoholic. My brother has struggled on and off since he was a teenager with drugs and alcohol (though he is currently in recovery mode and doing well). I spent a good bit of my young adulthood coming to terms with the impact both of them made on my young self. It's good that you can focus on those things that make you happy. It's not easy to do after trauma and loss but it's good that you are.

You can only do what you can do. And you can be there for your co-worker in other ways later on. There are many ways to be supportive, and I have no doubt you will be. You don't have to handle everything. Even years out.

I know. I really do know this. The hating it. The fervent wish to just be done and on to what's next. And the just not having anything left. I was always running scenarios in my head to try and figure out how I could simply up and run away. Break the ties that bound me where I was and just take my daughter (who was 3 at the time) and go out West or find some little town and just live free of the oppressive weight of everything - job, extended family, expectations, in-laws. Whatever. And, of course, there was nothing. Short of winning the Powerball, which I was pretty sure that I didn't have the kind of luck to pull off. Patience was never my strong suit. Still isn't. And even though I clung pretty stubbornly to my hope that life had to deal me a decent hand sooner or later, I felt let down a lot. I was kind of lucky in that I had a job I could do in my sleep and a supportive group of co-workers and a boss, who valued me (even at half speed) enough to allow me to use sick days even when I wasn't sick, so I could keep from imploding. I don't know the specifics of your personal situation, but if there is a way you can finagle yourself some extra down time - consider doing that. Time off to just rest is more important than people realize because on top of the work of the daily grind, grieving is exhausting. Resting is important. When I was rested, I was more hopeful. And don't apologize for not being hopeful. It's okay. Really.

I think that most of the people who know me well, find out sooner - usually later - that I was widowed, but it's not a defining thing. I was widowed and that's exactly how I say it when it comes up (which is not much). It's a thing that happened to me and I lived through it. It's mostly always been a verb rather than a noun. Now I am just me. DH's wife. DD's mother. SDDs stepmother. The community yoga teacher. Whatever label people have come to know me under now. Unless I am commenting here, I rarely reference LH and my past life as someone else's wife because it really has very little to actively do with my daily life. And that's odd because were it not for the deaths of our late spouses, DH and I would not have the life that we do.

Your Buddhist friends are spot on. There isn't anything you can do beyond what you are doing, so why not just accept that it really sucks and there is nothing you can do? I know. That goes against the grain. It's not what we are taught. We are supposed to work through, be strong, power forward or something like that. Maybe staring at the ceiling is what you need to do and when don't need to anymore, you'll do something else. It's frustrating but Hikermom is right. It gets better. And no, I still don't have a a specific time/day for you. But it will come. Oh, and mowing the lawn was something I found oddly wonderful too. If I would have had a riding mower at the time, I would have mowed all the lawns around me too. Can't say what it was about it, but always was able to let things go.

So now that I think about it, my uncle has only even dated widows. His late wife was widowed young. He met her when he was 40 and she was 48. She had seven kids ranging from about 13 to mid-20's. I think she had a grandkid or two even. They were married about 25ish years. Maybe he should write a book. About widows.

Comfort. People are uneasy with silence. I have an Auntie who simply cannot abide silence and so she fills it non-stop and makes people crazy in the process. It's not unusual to find yourself angry, impatient and just wanting the world to allow you more space than it typically does (or that you might usually even need). I never felt a lot of anger but impatience was a defining emotion in the first months. And I minimized contact with people when I could.

You are never too old. My mother's older brother basically became a serial gigolo after his wife died. They all left him money. He is, according to Mom, "well off". He is 88. His current girlfriend is a decade-ish younger.

Yes, but all of the leaps necessary to remarry still made my stomach churn sometimes. It's okay to be afraid.