anniegirl

This is a strictly finances thread and I am not disagreeing that once you are past your 40's, you have things to think about if pensions and SS are in play. However, for most younger people today, a defined pension with archaic rules simply isn't a reality. 401ks, other tax deferred vehicles are more likely and of course, life insurance - things that you simply cash out or roll over into new savings vehicles minus the Victorian era remarriage prohibition. And if there are children involved it's worth noting that their SS benefits are not impacted by remarriage or even adoption. Being married though in financial terms protects you from step-children and in-laws because it gives you rights to life insurance, your house and your fair share of everything (especially when we are talking about 2nd unions that might be longer than the the first ones). It also means that you will have legal authority over bank accounts and health care if either of you are incapacitated. Not a small thing. Also, being married (in most places) entitles you to health care benefits that come with your spouse's job and you are entitled to some or all of their SS too should they die. And a big one for those of us with children is that should you die and your partner is not your spouse, his/her being able to be your children's guardians could be challenged by your relatives even if you have a will. Someone mentioned pre-nups and I would throw in wills (again) and trusts if you are really concerned. Marriage is just as much a practical thing as it is an emotional one and the younger you are, the more practical it is. Frankly, if I were under 40, I wouldn't count on the eligibility rules for SS being the same 20 or more years from now. The gov't can change those rules (and they have in the past) to whatever they want. If SS is your plan, I hope you also have a back up one. I think the larger point of these kinds of conversation is to let newly widowed know that there is no one size fits all and that because every situation is different, people really should talk to a financial planner and get information that pertains to their situation specifically.

That "piece of paper" can protect you (and your new spouse) if something should happen - and we all know that things do happen. Everyone's situation is different and it pays to do your homework and weigh the benefits of both scenarios.

I am going to disagree with the ideas put forth that this about her not being "the one" or you not being ready. Or that she is pushing and the problem is her expectation level. Since you've stated that she hits many of the "checkboxes" (no one can reasonably be expected to hit them all) and that on good days its great (and really that's what it's like in most relationships), then the issue really comes back to you. It's perfectly normal that the person you are intimately involved with would want the relationship to move to the next level. That's not being pushy or unreasonable. Progression is what happens. And unless you've been honest with her about your hesitation and what you really want - this is not her fault. She can only work with the information you provide. She can't read your mind and if your actions are telling her that this is a viable relationship with a future, it's not surprising that she will bring this up - and often. It's easy to lay the situation out for a bunch of strangers on the Internet but you really need to have a cards on the table talk with her. If you really don't want to marry again, she needs to know so she can decide if you are really what she wants. And if you need more time to settle your fears, she needs to know that too. This is not just about you. Relationships are a dual thing. This is, of course, just my opinion. And I understand the fear and the doubt. I just don't think you can solve this problem on your own. An honest conversation with your girlfriend is the most logical thing to do. For you. And for her. Post widowed relationships are not really different from the relationships we had with our late spouses. We still have to communicate and allow our partners insight into us and input. That's how it worked before and that's how it still works. It's perfectly normal to be afraid. It doesn't necessarily have deep hidden meaning beyond that.

Max's explanation is a good one. And it's good to remember that ppl start and abandon all sorts of accounts on the Internet for reasons that are pretty harmless. Jess is correct too. We can never know absolutely everything about the people we love. And that's okay. Let it go. There is no good reason to torture yourself about this.

It's been a long time now so things may be different (and things vary from state to state and from institution to institution) but the University that I donated my husband's brain and spinal cord too (he had a very rare condition and this contribution has hopefully provided researchers with a lot of information) paid for the transport to hospital and the harvesting but the transport to funeral home (it was all in the same town) was handled by the funeral home and the fee was pretty minimal and part of what they charged me. Hope that helps. I would suggest though that your ILs ask very specific questions about costs and it if is a hardship, they need to speak up. There are probably funds for these types of circumstances that can help them out.

Just being you is hard and easy at the same time. Hard because -yes, people are going to be annoyed. But that's really because so few of us really walk around as ourselves that when someone does, it upsets and unsettles those who couldn't take off their masks, even if they wanted to and most of them don't. Easy though because it's less work. Grieving is work enough without maintaining a facade for others. Being you in grieving mode is what makes people uncomfortable because they don't know what to do for you and letting them know that there isn't much and they should just chill sometimes makes it easier for them and for you.

Getting married again is scary and it's easy to give in to the "what ifs" and decide that status quo is better. Safer. Have you discussed your fear with her? Because if you haven't, maybe you should.

Moving beyond is a combination of things but active choice is one of them, imo. When you start questioning, it's a sign, again imo, that it's probably time.

Oh, (((Jen))), I understand feeling that there is nothing left and that life has become almost totally about sustaining others with no hope or meaningful future for yourself. And it's easier to believe that than to hope because hoping makes the hurt worse without providing much comfort or tangible goals. For what it's worth, I don't think you are failing. Failing would be not getting up, going to work, paying bills or taking care of your kids. I know that doesn't seem like much but it is huge. And what about being here? On this site. Sharing. Supporting. HUGE! I have said this before - and I will keep saying it - what you are feeling is normal. Don't be so hard on yourself for being normal. I wish I could tell you the month, day and hour that you will turn a corner and find that thing that will be all yours and the beginning of what is next for you but I don't know it. I do believe that it is out there and you will find it. You are not your husband's legacy. You are your own legacy. His death has hurt you badly but you are not destroyed though I know it feels like that. There is nothing for grief but time. I filled mine (the time I didn't owe child, job and the daily grind) with things that distracted me and were just mine. Dumb things like tv and fan fiction. Healthy things like walking, running and swimming. Music. I have some of the angriest iTune mixes that you'd never imagine for me but also, soundtracks and love songs and emo boy band crap. You will find yourself and what works through trial and error and over time. It just takes time. But you will get there. We all get there eventually.

I felt that way. Obviously different in a way that anyone with eyes could see. And in the beginning, that might have been a bit true. I was exhausted. Puffy-eyed. And I just drifted about in slow-motion while everything whipped around me (or so it felt). But the reality is that most people aren't paying attention to anything other than their own lives, issues, needs and wants. And if they do notice something is amiss, they are unlikely to guess at the real cause. Young widowed is not common in our society. And maybe that contributes to the feeling that we stick out too. This is normal. Like many things, it fades with tiime.

I remarried. I's worked long enough to have my own anyway and if you are in a position where you are eligible on your own to collect SS, it's worth checking to see which benefit is higher - yours or his - because it maybe that his isn't the better one. In my case that was true. My benefit on my own was the better one. Before you discount the possibility of remarriage, and if you are not already certain that it's a financial lose for you, gather your data and sit down with a financial planner and run numbers and scenarios. SS in the US for widowed was originally designed with stay at home moms in mind and apparently under the illusion that women were widowed when they were too old and used up to want to marry again (the perils of a mostly male Congress). Times have changed and SS should too but work with what you have. Check things out. Weigh the pros and cons.

It's not. If it comes up in conversation, you can share your concerns with your beau but that's about it. And I agree with you that this young lady is walking into something that is unlikely to get better or end well but even if you knew her well enough to give her advice, she probably wouldn't listen anyway.

You don't have to climb the mountain every day or ever even. It's okay to find a valley or plateau and stay there for a while. I have never like the journey metaphor in terms of upending events or even about life generally because it implies that we do this consciously on a daily basis when mostly that's not true. Life, imo, really isn't that internally driven. We are motivated or compelled by externals. The need to pay bills or children, for example. Auto-pilot is fine. Maintaining is fine. Not giving a flying fuck works too. The top of the mountain isn't going anywhere and what's on the other side will mostly likely still be there when you are ready to go check it out. And it's normal to hope that you will someday find someone to strive (or build a chateau on the plateau) with you. I gave up boulders. They make lousy luggage.

It's a first date. No obligation beyond that. Did you have fun at all? 6 hours is a long time to spend w/someone you don't think you can tolerate after all. Maybe you can learn to "tolerate" someone and maybe you will just enjoy dates or short/medium/longer term serial companions. Or maybe you will decide not to bother at all. There's no rush. I knew right away with my second husband but I was decidedly luke-warmish on my late husband for months. Dated him on and off and really didn't see a future for us until suddenly I did. So, you never know. The most important thing is that you are good with whatever you decide and that you leave room for yourself to do what works for you. Don't put pressure on yourself needlessly. This is a new stage of your life and you should absolutely do what works for you now.

Yes, people dropped out of my life during the caregiving and widowhood. Even with those I made an effort to stay connected to seemed lukewarm and sometimes it felt like they were doing me a favor even. I met my second husband about the end of the first year and married within six months and it seemed like people couldn't reconnect fast enough once they found out. I think this is more common than not. I am ambivalent about it because I understand how death and grief makes people uncomfortable and everyone has a different threshold for being able to deal with it. My best friend and her husband were wonderful the entire time but another dear friend, who is almost like a sister to me and her family is like family, she really had a hard time being around me and once she got to know my second husband, she did a 180 and everything was "the same again". Except it's not really the same because you never forget how people shunned you as though you were walking dead. It's difficult to forgive and I don't know that we truly forget.

STERB? It has a name? Because pretty much everyone does this widowed or not. And what's wrong with diverting hobbies and interaction anyway? Your old widower was right. Not worth it. Clearly this expert was peddling the latest self-help nonsense. And probably no one ever invites that expert out for STERBS anyway. Enjoy yourself!

I don't know. They are habits and any habit can be broken and new patterns established but that takes time, willingness and effort. I am tackling the fridge thing because it's making me crazy but the laundry thing only makes my husband and daughter crazy - and not enough to compel either one to fold the clothes regularly either. When a habit gets to the point where it's really making you unhappy, I think that's when we do something and not before. I developed a multitude of bad habits as a caregiver and a widow that I have largely given up. Dinner being a haphazard thing was one of them but now, we eat an evening meal together at the table quite religiously because I felt it was important enough to reestablish that.

Yes, the posts are readable without logging in but forums cannot be searched by someone who is not a member. So someone could read this post, if they found it, but they couldn't click on your name and search out information or other posts by you.

Yes.

Baylee is right. You won't know until you know. It's just a date. Go! Enjoy. And then definitely come back here and share.

Don't put yourself in financial difficulty. Say no. Stay with your BIL but make sure he understands that the short term could be a couple of months while you look for housing. Once you are there - and get to know people via work and such - you will be more able to assess housing opportunities and might get help and suggestions. It's hard to know about things like housing from a distance. Don't panic. You have the BIL option. You will figure the housing out once you are there and settled into your job. Little steps.

I was cleaning the fridge this morning and it occurred to me that prior to widowhood, nothing ever rotted in my fridge. Food did not overstay by weeks (or months) and that once something clearly was never going to be eaten - it got tossed. Husband is as guilty as I am. I am attempting to correct this within the last year or so, but I still occasionally find myself without a single tupperware container in the drawer because they are all in the fridge in various states of science experiment. And this issue also applies (probably more persistently) to the laundry basket. When it was just child and me (and this started pre-widowhood because LH was in a care centre for the last year-ish of his life), dirty laundry was the stuff on the floor or in the laundry room. If it was in the basket, it was clean. And the stuff in the basket eventually found itself staying there until I either wore it or I needed the basket. I still find folding laundry to be the absolute last chore on my list. Husband will even fold laundry before I see the need to do it. So, what habits did widowhood instill in you that continues to dog you years after the fact? Just curious. (And hoping that I am not the only one.)

I keep a lot of the pictures and a few tangible things but our daughter was three when he died. She didn't know him. My second husband has raised her and she considers him (and his family) to be hers. She has little interest (at nearly 13) in LH. I am digitizing a lot of the photos and then get rid of them, but I am doing that with my own family photos too. You only need so many photo albums. Husband's grown daughters have taken most of the mementos and photos that they want. Things still clutter and even going on eight years together, we are still downsizing the remains of our late spouses possessions. it's hard to throw things away. It can be brutal to go through boxes that you haven't looked at since you boxed them up. This is basically your call. What do you think your kids (unless they are old enough to help you) might like. Make digital copies of photos if you can. Keep only those items that are really special. And then get rid of the rest. I wish someone had told me that I didn't need to methodically go through things. That it was okay to junk something because it was taking up space and it was more than likely that my daughter would also think that the item was junk that was taking up space when she was old enough to assess things (and for the record, she has. Nearly 100% of the time, she just goes "meh" and gives me this look of "why would you have ever though I wanted that?"). You don't have to do it all at once though I wish I'd just rented a big trash bin and done just that because I am not relishing the job at all now. Just use your best judgement and then don't worry about it. It's stuff. The real memories our in your head and heart and those are more important to your kids in the longer run anyway.

Yes, I have publicly acknowledged this. Husband thinks the reason I feel this way can be explained by the fact that I am older now and that he is older than my LH was, which means that when I met Husband, he was in a different position in life - more settled in many ways. And some of that is true. LH was ten years younger than I was. He was still building his career when he took sick. Still becoming the person he would be. All cut short but illness and death. However, Husband and I are of very similar temperament and worldviews that neither of us shared with late spouses. Again, Husband says that being older and widowed, we made different "mating" choices than we made when we were younger and our life experiences were different and our futures looked different. In other words, apples and oranges. Still, I know that though LH and I had a good marriage and would have been happy, it would not be as easy as my marriage with Husband. For whatever reason. And maybe it doesn't matter enough to dissect. It is what it is. My family and friends though concur that Husband is a wonderful match for me and though they refrain from pointing that out by direct comparisons, their words and actions have made it clear that they prefer Husband to LH. And some of that is not fair because LH's illness caused significant personality changes that they simply have not forgiven him for, which is nonsense - you can't help who you become when your brain is literally being eaten away. But people are not rational. And therein is the guilt because I sometimes feel that maybe I am letting LH's illness, and the dementia it caused, colour my perception. It's hard to predict who LH would be ten years on (13 if you count the years lost to dementia) and if he'd be as perfect a mate as Husband is. I feel bad that I simply love Husband more but only when I remember that society will judge me for that. You are supposed to love your LH more, right? I like Husband's take. Which is simply "that was then and this is now". Comparison is pointless. We aren't the same people in many ways and there's nothing wrong or worth feeling guilty about to find yourself (after being at probably one of your lowest points ever) happy.

We just knew. Very quickly. We met via the old board and just clicked. Guilt? Only that I know that my relationship with my husband is a much better match for me than that with my LH. I loved LH. I love Husband. But I am much happier and more content now than I ever was in my first marriage. That makes me feel bad because LH was a good man. You know that ridiculous widow meme "if your late spouse came back, who would you choose? Him or your new guy?" I knew right from the start that I would pick Husband.