anniegirl

Interestingly, my daughter takes that approach too. "That's life. People get sick. People die." At just 13 she still doesn't quite get the need to filter though.

Yes, I have felt that. I think it's a pretty normal and not at all irrational thing given what we've been through. I don't know that anything in particular - other than time - took that feeling away. The longer I went without anything bad happening, the more at ease I became. Now that I am in a settled place in life and my daughter is much older, I worry a lot less.

I'm not quite sure what you are asking but yes, you can most certainly find love again if that's what you want to do. Some liken a new love and love for a late spouse to the kind of room in your heart that you have to love more than one child though that analogy has never worked for me personally, it might help you make sense of things. One key, imo, to a new relationship is to remember to live in the present. Another thing you might find helpful is to remember that no one is a replacement as much as they just new to your life and still finding/establishing their place. Finally, don't overthink this. Love is love.

Both my husband and I were caregivers to late spouses but we were also the pillars in our pre-illness marriages too, so taking care of the other is what we both knew (in fact what we were raised to be as we are also the oldest siblings in our fairly dysfunctional families). So it has been ... different, but not at all unwelcome.

Compartmentalizing is perfectly normal and when you have children, I think it's probably necessary too. It might strike those around you as being hardened but generally only the people who don't spend serious amounts of time with you or your husband or those who you don't confide in. It's not your job to worry about them or what they think so don't. Important things is to do what's necessary for you and your daughter. Take care of the two of you. Don't judge yourself.

It isn't dumb at all. Or immature. Don't apologize for feeling the way you do. They are valid feelings whether other people think so or agree. It's not about that at all. It's about wanting the focus to be on the present relationship and wondering if that is truly the case. If your lover is doubting the lover, it's not something that can be remedied by saying "this is clearly your issue so deal with it". Not that anyone is doing that but I wonder sometimes given the comments I read (and this is not the first thread I've read about pictures and/or shrines). Personally, I think people should always speak up about things like this because leaving them to fester usually doesn't end well and it's a good thing if your partner can tell you these things because it means they trust you with their feelings. There is, I have noticed, the feeling that we should slowly change decor and put away pictures and such when we get into relationships but I would argue that the opposite is true. We'd be better off to pare down to the barest minimum and then slowly reintroduce pictures or whatever after a new relationship is rooted and growing. But I do understand how hard that can be because many of us don't play to date again as much as relationships simply arrive without a lot of warning.

You're not the only one. It's a reaction that is not, imo, rooted in insecurity as much as it's just human to want the person you love to love you back just as much. And to be first in their thoughts and heart. Husband and I are both widowed. As our romance was ldr, we spent time on my home turf - which was LH free by the time we met - and when I relocated to his home it was just weeks before we married. He did his best to put things away but there were photos, clothes, the entire kitchen was hers really, much of the decor and well, the whole yard. I understood. I sucked it up and it took years to make the house over but the one thing that always bugged me was his laptop (which sat out most of the time) had it's screen saver set to troll through the pictures. And all the pictures were of the past. I didn't say anything for the longest time, thinking he would eventually remedy this but finally I pointed out to him that anyone who saw this, wouldn't know that I existed at all. And that's the big thing. Validation. Of course, it had never occurred to him to add pictures of us to the laptop. In fact, the screen saver was pretty much white noise to him at that point b/c he was so used to it. So he put on newer photos and fiddled with the settings to balance thing in favor of the present and eventually the computer died, so it's no longer an issue. It is important to have conversations. It's important that both partners feelings are taken into account. And it's important to remember that the rules are different for kids though that is not an issue for us because only the youngest (from my first marriage) has ever lived at home and she has no memory (or interest really) in LH.

I don't think it's a good idea to promise our children that nothing will ever change in our lives because stuff happens. The OP isn't happy living where they are living. She wants to move and she wants to be with her husband. There is a plan to do so but it sounds like the kids are putting pressure on her. When I remarried, I left the US for Canada. No one was particularly happy about my decision except me and my husband. But it was my call and eight and a half years later, it's still one of the best decisions I have ever made and I made it with the future in mind, knowing full well that it would be an adjustment and that people were going to adjust in their own sweet time. Family, child, friends did all adjust. This is the 21st century and there are many ways to keep in touch and visit. All situations are different because people are different but the OP doesn't sound like she is happily living in her LH's hometown because the kids need that. She sounds like she is just enduring it. and not happily at all, which cannot possibly end well. Her kids are teens and preteen. Old enough to understand that their mother's happiness is as much their concern as their happiness is hers. Family is a mutual work in progress. Not just Mom's job. jmo.

Yes, a lot of people took a powder but I reconnected with a fair number of them later on - though I will say that I am probably less interested in them now than they are in me. I was never one to have a ton of close friends. Just a couple and they are still around. Life changing events (even the good ones) shuffle the friendship decks. At least that's been my experience.

People move kids all the time for all sorts of reasons and most of the time, everyone adjusts. It sounds like you have a plan but kids are perhaps taking advantage of the lengthy timeline to try and sway you? Maybe it's just time to be honest with them about how important this is too you and to your new marriage.

Another good point.

This is a very good point.

If it's really bothering you, you should talk with him. After all, he trusted you enough to be honest. Just tell him you're not ready to completely give up the board and even though he doesn't understand virtual friends, you have them and they mean a great deal to you. And perhaps he needs to know - given that he is very private - that you aren't discussing him or your relationship in a public forum where anyone can read it. Or he just needs to reassured that nothing identifying is being shared. Living separately, you can hide your activity but if he finds out? Then what? And you are already uncomfortable with the idea of hiding this. I am uncertain this can end well with him assuming and you not saying.

Pammy makes a really good point about putting the onus on the other person to earn trust again and not taking on responsibility for anyone but yourself. You only have control over yourself.

Letting go of past hurt is not a quick thing. Even when life turns around, we still have those automatic responses that are "go to's" even when we don't want them to be. Trauma - whatever the source - takes time to put behind you. That's what emotional injuries are really. Trauma that isn't visible. Part of the moving forward is being aware, which you are, and wanting to repair or rebuild. But it's going to be a process that requires being very aware of why you are hurt or angry and not necessarily allowing those things to piggyback on old issues or wounds. People repair relationships all the time. You and your partner are proof of this. Perhaps be proud of the move forward and don't let them occasionally backward glances or steps overwhelm you. Just acknowledge and keep going? Being present in the present is something that most of us struggle with to one degree or another. You are doing better than you think.

You're not going crazy. All sorts of things trigger tears in the beginning. One thing I found is that when I stopped worrying that I was losing my mind and just accepted that begin blindsided by tears was simply a thing that would happen, the result was that it started happening in public a lot less. Sorry it was a rough outing for you. And yes, car insurance is crazy expensive. Imagine a lot of people shed tears about it and not just widowed ones.

My husband - who is widowed and who was a member of the YWBB where we met - went through a stage of not wanting me to come to the boards. He felt that it anchored me a bit too much in the past and that even though most of what I was doing was just encouraging and sharing experiences with other that it was weighing on our relationship and it wasn't healthy for me. I was annoyed because I had made some friends who I liked and who I had more in common with than just being widowed and I didn't want to lose touch with them. And I liked helping people. This was "back in the day" before Facebook but many of us had blogs and used them to keep in touch and update each other, so as I did have that - so I decided to step back from the board. Eventually FB was where most of us landed and we are friends there still and I didn't really lose touch with anyone. Why did I step away? Because my husband was upset. Maybe irrationally but he's also the person who knows me almost better than I know myself sometimes and he can see when something is taxing/overwhelming me even when I don't always. He never told me I had to do anything. He just told me what he saw and how he felt. We were just married and newly living under the same roof. There was a lot going on in real life that needed me and us on the same page. I don't think your NG is being selfish or that his feelings about wanting to be your number one are anything other than totally human. No one wants to share the person they love. Everyone wants to be first in their lover's heart. Nothing strange about that. It's hard and discouraging to feel that you are competing, whether that's the reality or not. There shouldn't be an either/or - although sometimes that can't be avoided - so my suggestion is that you sit down and explain to him that you have friendships here that are dear to you and that you plan to keep. These friendships developed because you lost Kenneth but they now exist quite separately from that event. All friendships start somewhere and yours just happened to start here. And you need to get to the root of his feelings about sharing you. The reality is that he isn't but reality means nothing when people are upset and possibly afraid. It might not be a fun conversation but it sounds like it needs to be had. I had a similar conversation with my husband about his LW b/c I got to a point where I couldn't hear one more story about how wonderful she was and how everyone loved her and the world was a darker place without her. He was shocked. He hadn't meant to convey her as perfect. So perfect that I would feel so much less than (and let me add that in no way did his actions or words to me convey anything about love and respect). From that point on, he started referencing her less (that's a normal thing anyway by the way) but he would share also the not so wonderful and perfectly normal differences they had too. And he reassured me that she was human and didn't fart rainbows. Look, this is a bump. Relationships have them. You will need to find some mutual middle ground (perhaps move some of your friendship to FB if you haven't already), confine Widboard visits to times when he isn't around and do some reassuring. I don't think his request is heinous or even unusual. His feelings are normal. Your feelings are normal. Somewhere in all that normal is a solution that's mutually agreeable. I saw your post in BAG. I think you are there too. Just remember though that shit still comes up - like this - and it's part of the forward progression. I am glad you are settled and feeling better.

Everyone has said it but I will say it again - you can handle this. You are handling it. That doesn't mean it won't suck. Or hurt. Or feel disorienting. Or that you won't feel lost and utterly alone in a crowded room. It does mean that you are perfectly normal and what you are feeling is normal despite the fact that it really, really, totally sucks. It's been nearly ten years since my husband died. I have no idea how I handled things still but I did. So will you. It will be okay. It will never not hurt but eventually it will be okay. You will remember how to "handle things" actively and not on auto-pilot and you will make it through. Really.

All of your fears are totally understandable. It's not strange at all to worry about what might go wrong if you date again or that you might never date, have sex or marry again. And it's not a race. It wasn't a race before, right? Still isn't. Readiness has a lot more to do with what you want and what you are comfortable with than anything else. Even still have grief or trauma issues is secondary, imo. If you really wanted to be dating, you would be regardless. So is it what you want or is it what you think you should want because others have or people tell you that you should? It's your life. You are still in control of what happens and what doesn't. And what others are doing or think about you, isn't your problem. Grief is something that moves to the background of your life over time or because you put it there but it's not what keeps people from new relationships, again my opinion. When you want to do this, you will. It might be meeting someone or an event that propels you, or you might simply decide that it's time. But it still gets back to you and what you need and want. And about "attracting" the wrong kind of prospects. We can't always know when we met someone that they are right for us but we can walk away when we realize they aren't. If that's what's stopping you from dating - if that's what you really want to do - trust yourself a little more perhaps. A little bit of care and worry is not a bad thing unless it's paralyzing you and wherever you are right now in life is where you are supposed to be and if it's a place you don't much care for, you can change that if you want to.

If you ever run across a decent instruction manual, don't forget to share.

Disclosure is relative to the day, the people and the situation. Even ten years on, I still censor because it's a "need to know" thing and I often decide that people don't really need to know, nor do they really want to. But you should do what feels best for you, keeping in mind that sometimes, you might over or under tmi.

If you mean faith as in religious belief, I don't believe that lacking that kind of thing leads to a sad life. Organized religion is just as likely to make people miserable as it is not. If you mean faith in general, in life, people or the idea that their is meaning to be found in both, that I could see as being pretty bleak. You don't need to belong to religious community, practice a religion or even believe in a tradition or God at all to be happy and to see meaning in life. Religion, in my opinion, poses more problems and questions than answers but if it brings you joy, it's a good thing. If it doesn't, perhaps it's not your path. There is more than one way to move through life. I have questioned the concept of God and the need for organized religions since I was a child, so it's not a surprise that LH's illness and death pushed me to further contemplation of this and my decision that both are social constructs that don't work for me. I have my own ideas about the nature of existence and it's a bit sobering when you get to the point where you can acknowledge that there is no one out there listening who might possibly work some magic in your favor if you happen to pray hard enough or appear deserving enough or because it's the second Monday of the month and therefore your lucky day. But imo, it forces you to acknowledge the finite state live is and to be more in the moment and not let opportunities for joy, generosity, love, adventure, learning, etc pass you by. It reminds you that your life is more under your control than you imagine but that you aren't superhuman and you aren't immune from tragedy or sadness. It's okay to not believe. To feel that hope is more like a life preserver than a lucky charm. I know I am not being helpful really. I have no answers beyond saying that I know people who've struggled with their faith but came out on the other side still believing and I know people who have not. As long as what you are doing is thinking rather than torturing yourself, it's not a bad thing. It's when we get caught in the thought loops and they drag on us that it's a problem. Otherwise it's just another part of the process. I am sorry you are having a rough time. I find that I can endure a lot of suffering myself now but can't easily watch others suffer anymore. Maybe because the bad outcomes aren't a mystery to me? A final thing though, it's okay to tell people what they want/need to hear in situation's like your friend's niece. There's plenty of time for reality later on.

That's a lot for a short period of time. Sending good thoughts out.

It is simplified. People who come into our lives in whatever capacity are "as is". Once the initial grace period is past, what you see is probably what you can expect from now on. You aren't likely to change them. Nor they you. You can set the boundaries and expectations for the relationship you have with them and hope that they abide by them but often changes are fleeting because they are born of a desire to ramp down tension levels rather than work on building a mutually satisfying relationship. The only thing that matters really is, you are okay with this. In a month or a year or ten, if nothing, or nothing much, changes or improves, will you be okay with this? That's the question and the answer will depend on your age and probably the relationships that were modeled for you as your grew up and a bit on your on romantic notions. My parents were married for 51 years. Locked in a power struggle for most of it with him tyring to change her and her trying to change him. In the last couple of years of his life, Dad finally accepted who Mom was and seemed happier for it but she never really did the same for him. Nevertheless, this kind of turmoil worked for them because they decided at some point that this was okay with them. I would never say they didn't love each other but I know they didn't understand each other or respect what the other needed/wanted. And it never occurred to either of them that this volatile life they had spilled over onto their children in ways that were harmful. I know people in relationships that are constantly challenging. They are always seeking to change the other person or waiting for the other person to realize this or that and change on their own. No one ever changes but the relationships go on and the couples must be getting something out of it or it wouldn't. No relationship is perfect. People come into them with a personality and needs/wants that have been shaped by a host of experiences. It's not realistic to expect otherwise. The only thing you have any control over is you and when dating. and in the beginning of new relationships, you don't owe anyone anything. You should be looking out for yourself and asking yourself, does this person work for me? Can I make it work for me even if nothing about them ever changes? It's easier when you put your cards on the table. Be honest about your feelings and your expectations. But that means be willing to walk away or to be walked away from. I think that's where a lot of relationship problems crop up. People who aren't being honest with themselves or others and treating relationships as though they are contests to be won and that reflect poorly on them somehow if "lost". Widowhood did not change me in terms of dating. I was still a crappy dater. Investing too much and too soon and putting up with things that made me unhappy in the hopes that the other person would eventually see how awesome I was and magically change. I was like that before LH and unfortunately, I was like that again after. Marriage had taught me a lot about being married successfully but none of it translated back into the dating world - unsurprisingly. Dating and marriage are not the same things. I forgot that and before I began dating I thought, "Hey, I rocked that wife thing so of course I will make someone a great wife again." Totally overlooking that dating thing in between. But, my simplified advice still stands. Take care of yourself. Ask for what you want. There is someone out there who wants what you do and will be happy to return your love. You won't find him though if you spend too much time with guys who aren't interested in what you want or too much time beating yourself up when these relationships run their course. You do not ever have to put up with anything diminishes you as a person or makes you question your worth or abilities. Your marriage to your LH is amply proof that you are pretty awesome. You are still that person in more ways than not. jmo

You second guessed yourself and didn't put yourself first. It happens. You forgive yourself by simply doing it. You made a mistake. You've learned from it. You've nothing to gain by being angry or disappointed with yourself. Let it go. No, you will not always feel vulnerable or question yourself. You were married, happily and successfully once and there is no reason why that kind of relationship won't happen again for you. Remind yourself that your needs, goals are important and that anyone who can't see that and participate in a mutually respectful, give/take relationship isn't worth your time. You deserve to be loved. There are good men out there. Don't waste time on "fixer-uppers".