IfIonlycould

I'm so so sorry you found her like that....I understand loving a goat, I have always wanted one even as much as a pain in the a-- that they can be. ((((HUGS))))

I need to share this somewhere, somewhere that people will get it and not wonder when I will get over it. Been going along quite well. Had the day off today and spent it getting caught up on paperwork and cleaning the house. Usually that makes me feel good. Instead right now at this very moment I cannot stop thinking about my mother who died in 2012. What were those last months like for her? What was going through her mind? Was she incredibly depressed after my brother moved her closer to him and basically took away her independence. She always kept a brave face for us kids, even as she was lying in bed dying at the end so of course she never shared if she felt any of this. Why wasn't my husband with me for all of this, well he died in 2008. Don't know why this is happening today but it is....crying as I write this...I feel like I am having a pity party right now. Me who tells myself acceptance is the key. Ok I will accept that they died. I will accept that this is my life to now live without them and learn to make the best of it. But today I am grieving. Thanks for letting me write it down so I don't have to be alone with it. I can honestly say I'm not sure where I would be without this community.

Funny isn't it? We can have a new partner, have a new address, seem to have "moved on" to those around us....and still..... A decade has passed for you. A decade. I am at 7.5 years and it does not seem possible. I too have a new partner, a "new life"....and yet. You have a fellow wids "permission" to just try to slide through or hide from this holiday season....(((((HUGS))))) to you.

Nonesuch I am so sorry to that your friend is going through this.....and I understand wanting everything to just go back to good again. Thinking of you.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!

I relate to what everyone is saying... At first ambition was driven by the fact that without it I would not survive (and I have 20 years of working still ahead of me), there was no life insurance when he died so what I need in life I have to go out and get...I was working part time most of our marriage, there was no career path, I was spoiled in that I could pick and choose what struck my fancy and then pursue it, that said I loved the various work I did and worked hard, I had my own business when we met and as time went on I slowed it down to part time which suited us well as it allowed me the time to manage our house very well something I thoroughly enjoyed, I had a series of "event" style jobs each more interesting than the next, I worked hard, I was paid well and life was good....then we moved and he died and I was left scrambling back in my hometown with only a part time job and the knowledge that I would need to find something full time with benefits....I found it and zombied my way through that job for the next few years, I remember looking at my coworkers who were completely engaged in whatever they were doing and wondering where they found the interest or energy...I faked it ALOT...now I am on a path that fulfills more of who I am in my soul and allows some flexibility...I have many bosses now as I have created a life of being self employed so my clients are technically the boss...however unlike "old job" I am no longer working hourly to help the owner of the company (who thought managing her company meant coming in at noon) have a good retirement while I worked 10 hour days (now if I work a 10 or 12 hour day my pay truly reflects it)....some days I feel a real spark again but not like what I felt the first time I was in business for myself...is it age or widowhood or both?

I am actually in my "next time" and consciously working on not repeating/altering the things I did/traits I had in my marriage to DH that were not good. I see myself in CW's post: Yes valuable lessons learned, hard, agonizing lessons....I owe it to myself to be a better person this time around...I owe it myself to work on the bad stuff I brought to my relationship with DH and not repeat it...I can't have a second chance with DH but I have been given a second chance at love and I owe it to myself to behave in a manner that reflects how much I cherish loving and being loved. Mikeeh, From the responses you have received I'd say many of us ponder this topic. I hope for you to find the one to cherish again when the time is right.

Beyond-Sending you ENOURMOUS (((((((((((HUGS))))))))). Can't believe that time is here again......XO

TS-Can you find a place to rent in the old neighborhood? Sell the house you are in and go to the place that feels like home to you. If that doesn't feel right you have not made the commitment to buy, also it would allow flexibility in figuring out what you and Ch 2 are going to do (I realize when I have read your posts reg. this how lucky I am that my Ch 2 and I are from the same area and I don't have that extra confusion...this is all confusing enough, no wonder you say you feel tangled up ...argh!). Do the extra commute for now, maybe the joy of being in the place you feel you belong on the homefront will be well worth the extra commute. You do not have to make ONE big decision, just begin the steps toward what you think you want, that is truly the only way to find out what you want. I shared my long story with you to show you that for me it was not a one move process that began and ended my journey in my new life, it is an ongoing thing. Like Trying I too have started a new career as well and like her too that first decision has made others easier and more clear. I do understand what it feels like when you say you feel like an outsider, I am still in the process of moving towards my physical place that will fit my true self, which for me it does need to be done in steps.

We had just bought a new house to fix up and sell in a few years to make a little money (had done it before). He died. I was left with the fixer upper and no fix it man, the market was a bust. I remembered everything he had taught me and did what is called a soft flip on the house and sold it one year later and broke even. Thank God. I have moved 4 more times since then from rentals to houses I purchase and fix and sell. The one I am in right now is a purchase, I have done a complete gut to it. Handy DH taught me well. In the process I have slowly evolved the furniture letting go of alot of what was ours. The size of houses and amount of furniture that worked for us no longer works for me. (And I am in a relationship now for 6 years and he has no interest in home flipping so it is all my gig he just follows where I go!). Absolutely selling the house we had bought to flip after a few years was a very positive thing for me, even though it meant I had to do it on my timeline which did not allow for the market to come back and I did that first alone at a break even...it propelled me toward the first steps of creating MY life. I learned that what I enjoyed doing and was good at (buying/fixing/selling) did not die with him. I learned to let go of the items in my life that were weighing me down (like the huge dining room table that we had done much happy entertaining at) and holding me in the past, making me sad by their very presence. Creating homes that were/are mine has happened 5 times since he died, whether it be a rental or a purchase. Every time it is a new move there is even more of a shift in me toward MY life and finding my presence in this new life. What I would truly love some day is small house with a large garage and a bit of property....all of which he would have not been him (well he didn't care what size the garage was as long as it fit the cars and tools)...but he was so into big house, filled with furniture....and now as I am listening to my true self I am hearing the me before him that never wanted a big house in surbubia but rather was more caught up in being in touch with nature and the land. (As a side note Ch 2 has no desire for big suburban houses either....it is nice being on the same page).

You should have had all 35 and 35 more.....(((((HUGS)))))

WHAT? you are celebrating Christmas...boy, I thought the retail stores pushed us into the holidays....! I'm here to admit I got nothing done on my list...ended up working for the client on thurs and friday WAY later than expected...all good...but once again my stuff goes on hold. Then went away with sister for the weekend who treated me to a hotel stay and tickets to Jay Leno , so nothing but fun was accomplished! I may just come back here and post my goals for the MONTH.

Totally get it CW, the old me has been coming out of hiding quite a bit lately and becoming the norm again. Brings me true joy. So glad you got to feel it!

Jen-I agree, let's get it going again! Of course I had goals made for this week to work on the outside of the house as I had the end of the week free and a client called and needs me for a job on thursday and friday. Have to make the money while the money is there to be made! All i am going to post for this week (besides work for clients today, thurs and fri and at "old job" on weds.) is to get the rest of the bushes and perennials in the ground, clean the gutters and clean up the annual pots....that's it! but trust me it's enough!

tm-The second year was so much harder for me than the first, it was when I really began to realize what I had been left with (and without). Anything you can accomplish, anything, will help. I had so much I needed to do then as I had to get the house on the market to sell, it was all so overwhelming and I remember resenting all I had been stuck with, I would just sit on the couch and cry or stare at the wall. I shared this with my therapist and he told me pick out a task that needs to be done, I told him for instance paint the garage windows, he told me then fine gather all of your supplies and paint the windows, cry, scream, curse God if you want but when it is all over at least the windows will be painted. That has helped me tremendously in this journey and over the seven (yes, seven) years that he has been gone. I am sorry you have a reason to be on this board, I am sorry any of us do....

I had "sightings" for a long time, still do but they are less and less. I will see the walk or the truck with someone with his color hair driving it. Yes there were a few times I followed knowing that I was crazy but also knowing that something in me needed to see it WAS NOT him. Must be a part of my grieving process. I was able to have a viewing, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have been able to see his body. Yes, that certainly would screw with my mind for the rest of my life, I'm so sorry.....

Oh yeah I get the guilt when it comes to the feelings for Chapter 2. Early on in my new relationship I reminded myself often I was doing nothing wrong. I never broke my marriage vows, I was in it "til death do us part".... It was strange thought when at some point I realized that my boyfriend and I are actually a better fit than husband and I were, and yes I have admitted that to VERY few in real life. Sometime in my journey and I can't remember when (the YWBB would know ) I had a dream where husband came back, showed up and wanted back in my life, and I told him "No this is not fair, I love _____ now." Wow.... I no longer feel guilt, I have nothing to feel guilty about but I understand the struggle you are going through because I was there at one point. Hugs

I'm responding for the same reason BH2 responded...because no one else is! I won't offer advice because this is incredibly complicated due to the children...perhaps you could post it in the "with children" section and get the take on those who have had to take this journey with children? How they handled big changes and the effects/outcomes. Best of luck to you and I am truly sorry you had the reason to find yourself on this board.

Exactly SB...... ((((((((((HUGS))))))))

Wait Abitlost...the ex said to you "You deserve better" ? I am very blessed to have not one but two older brothers who taught me so much about boys/men...and here is what they always said, "If a guy tells you you deserve better listen to him and get out, he knows himself alot better than you do." Enjoy the distraction of NG, perhaps he was sent to you to get you over the hump....

I don't know how that it can happen at the same time but it sure seemed that way for me pretty steady for a while and then off and on....it was a very weird feeling. Like I was me but unable to really engage with myself...I'm not making any sense! Just trying to say I think from experience I know what you are talking about...fortunately that feeling has gone away, but wow I think I felt that way for a few years...

AC- Hey you bad rash, bad penny, boomerang...can't get rid of you.....wondered where you'd been....great to know you're ok!!!!!!

Tearing up over morning coffee. Thank you for sharing this, I have had experiences like these where I know he is communicating, they are so layered like yours that to me there can be no other explanation.

WOW...that had to have been freaky to be on the receiving end.

Got my hair done today and not much else.....going to crawl in bed right now and watch a classic movie on the DVR, not sure which one yet but I have a bunch recorded...I want to get up early tomorrow and hit the ground running getting lots of stuff done!