IfIonlycould

My first Christmas without him my sister who lives out of state (and always would send a Christmas card) sent one and she had crossed out the Merry Christmas and just wrote in it that she loved me. It really made me feel understood. I think we need empathy cards.

That's why we come here to "talk", no one gets it like we do....and I am so sorry you have to face this painful reminder everyday. (((HUGS)))

Mokie-thanks I'm still feeling a little bad about throwing the stuff out but yeah, I gave ample time. "Jesus Juice" was the term I was looking for....just could not remember! Today I bought a new pair of sneakers but I threw 2 old pairs out! And went through a bathroom cabinet and tossed stuff too.

For anyone who remembers my endless posts on the YWBB about purging...his stuff, my stuff, our stuff.....well this was an issue for me but slowly I have let almost everything go...I still have his box of mementos and have not gone through it since just after he died, I will do it this year. Almost all clothes are gone, all shoes are gone, paperwork that did not need to be saved....I had been hauling his textbooks around, two VERY heavy boxes move to move, I just could not see throwing them out and yet didn't have the wherewithal to donate them...one day the day before garbage day I threw them out! Poof! Like that! Felt guilty for a minute for throwing books out but they were causing me anxiety. I have not thought about them until writing this post.

HvnBound- I wish the best for you too, I know by reading your posts this journey has not been easy but you just keep pushing through, I am sure you too have been an inspration to others. Hugs and continued peace to you.

It amazes me as well Mike and no I don't believe I will ever get over it, but I am learning to live with it as it walks beside me everyday. Hugs and peace to you.

I am sorry you guys are going through this, I read the article and the comments that followed....seems to me you have a troll or two getting their weirdo kicks.....

SO I hope what I did today is ok...bought this house Dec. 2013....got possession and started remodel mid January....moved into it in May. The previous owner obviously moved out in January...she left behind an old porch glider with nasty cushions, a getting rusty metal table and one chair. I told her she could come pick them up any time....no need to call that they would be on the side of the house....well I couldn't stand it any longer! This is the year of redoing the exterior...BF took them to the dumpster at his shop today....I was sick of the mini junkyard and she had well over a year to stop by right? Please tell me allowing someone a year and 3 months was long enough! And yeah! No more mini junkyard!!!!!

NeedyToo-Make sure you pull all weeds BEFORE using Preen, it is a preventer not a killer, you will still have to yank everything out the old fashioned way but putting Preen down and then a layer of mulch I usually don't see weeds again til mid summer, then I just pull the few that come up, put Preen down again (obviously this time over the mulch) and sit back. The saltwater needs to be as salty as the ocean, not just a little salt. Hope this all helps and makes it a bit easier!

We got all of the dated red rocks torn out from the front of house and in the bed between the driveway and house. I took hosta and split it and spread it in the bed along the driveway and then mulched. We planted the new foundation shrubs and accent tree, then mulched the bed...it looks amazing! and has crossed a HUGE project off of my to do list for this summer (this is the summer of the outside of the house). I was exhausted last night. Of course this put all of the other stuff I had written down to do the past few days on hold. So now I have to play catch up with the usual household chores, laundry etc. But I am so grateful for the project being done! This week I have a procedure being done on Thursday, it is surgery for a chronic issue I have and needs to be done about every 2 years so that of course is first and foremost on my mind. So goals this week: Clean house Catch laundry up Work at old job 10 hours mon and 6 hours weds. Client work all day tues. Get stuff together for surgery Take donations to Salvation Army Vacuum and spiff up interior of car. and since I need to rest: Get all papers filed Go through any old/outdated files Shred papers

Go Jess Go! MS -You just keep plugging away-you are amazing! Mancino-We could have dumped all the booze in together and had a party at your house! What was that called back in the day when you would take a bottle to a party and they would dump it all together in a clean trash can and make a "punch"?

I have a list of stuff I wanted to get done this weekend and then BF announced he was bringing some help and tearing out the old landscaping and red rocks from the front of the house....WOW! So my list is on hold as I had to be the runner to get things and tell him how I wanted it done...now I have to jump in the shower and hit the garden center as he wants me to get the foundation bushes so he can plant them and mulch today! Will be so nice to have most of the front landscaping done finally!!!!

Hi guys! Haven't posted in here in a while...but want to report I finally went through the clothes closets and am sending stuff off to Salvation Army and consignment...felt so good afterward I kept looking at the closets!!! Yesterday we finally tore out the old and half dead shrubs in the front that came with the house when I bought it last year and (I had a hard time with this) took down an ornamental weeping cherry that was anything but ornamental, sadly it had never been pruned correctly and had grown into an eyesore...had to go...so I have been busy getting rid of things inside and out. Mokie-good to see you back! Use the tang to clean your dishwasher Mancino-My friend you are a purging machine! RIFather-Saw you in "Goals" too! Way to go you are on a roll!!!! Donswife-I have a bag of to be shredded stuff...gotta get to it CW-went through hubs office stuff a few years back..it was really hard...

Good for you NeedyToo! Come join us in "Goals" thread anytime and post a few things you want to accomplish every day, few days or week....somehow posting it and then reporting back seems to help alot of us! My Advice: Divide your yard into sections and work on a section at a time, do not look up and around at the whole yard as seeing what still needs to be done can be very overwhelming and discouraging. Little by little you will get through it! Remember it did not fall apart in a month it will take a bit of time to get it back together. One trick I used when DH and I bought a house with a brick patio area that was actually quite lovely but completely weeded over: hot boiling salt water...throw it on the patio and wait a day ..it will kill the weeds and then just sweep them up (there may be few stubborn ones rooted well get those the old fashioned way...just remember the salt water will kill other plants and grass so be careful of overspray. If you have flower beds you will have to do those the old fashioned pull the weeds out way, but once you have done this and thinned any perennials put Preen on top of the soil and then mulch OVER it (directions say to Preen on top of mulch) this is a trick I learned that works like a charm to make my flowerbeds practically maintenance free all summer. I am NOT a fan of chemicals but this is where I bend the rules....you may still have to weed a little but it really cuts down on it! Preen can be found at garden centers, big box stores and even Costco...I get Preen n Green to help feed the flowers too. Good luck and keep us posted on how it's going!

Donna-Damn job keeps getting in the way of my life too! ;D

Wow. This is a big step, good for you for going to apply and for getting the job. You said it is not as nice as you remember. If you think it is not a place you would like to be a part of any longer than seriously think it over, but if you think that you're feeling that way is a temporay feeling then you should very seriously consider it for the closer proximity and better benefits. Which one, the present job or the "new-old" job will be better for you in the LONG run?

I don't think so, would you check the box that says Married, Single or Divorced? Well if you are remarried than you should check Married in which case you are not a single parent. I mean let's put it this way, if you had to leave the house suddenly in the middle of the night for something is there an adult in the house that you are married to that can stay with the child? My guess is most every true single parent would answer "No".

Trying-Yes to everything you said.....when I was able to go out either with people or by myself and not be thinking "He is dead", "He would have liked that", "He needs to see this", etc. and actually engage in the moment for what it was.....And now like you I am in this spot:

Virgo - I get it! Been in a bit of a funk this week and just doing what is necessary as well. RIFather - Welcome to the "goal group" and yes posting it here does seem to help keep us going! Trying-Are you doing any better this week? DonnaK-How is the decluttering plan? I am in a bit of a funk, I've got stuff going on healthwise that I need to get through, in the meantime it sure does slow me down. I will be back to post and cheer folks on....

W.....T....F.....

Wow....you really struck a chord with me. "I was shocked and stunned by their behavior, and it felt like a physical blow, which left me reeling even more than I already was. The sum total of a violent death and mass desertion felt like being plunged into a horrifying nightmare. - Husband dead, everybody else fleeing - my complete life had imploded without warning, like a building marked for demolition, leaving behind rubble and pulverized ashes. " This was the behavior of some family members. Shocking. Absolutely shocking. I have civil relationships with two of them today, but realize they were not good relationships before death so I guess what did I expect? The third one and I have come back together and say sincere "I love you" at the end of phone conversations. For the first couple of years I mulled it over and over. I had the hardest time reasoning it through I'm sure mostly because in the same situation I would never behave the way they did but they are not me nor I them (thank God) so I learned to let it go. And I feel this as well: "Another unforeseen consequence has been my growing hesitation to trust new people, many of whom have similarly disappointed or misled me with their insincerity. Silly Me for even trying! What looks good initially, or even for a while, can be quite disappointing later. Time is the only test! I try not to let the disappointment poison me, but I have less and less expectations of humanity." So we are all here now and I think because most of us really are working on finding the acceptance of our lives and serenity in them.

Maureen- I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds to me like you and your father in law were each others angels on earth. ((((HUGS)))))

MTK I am so saddened for you.....there is nothing I can really say but send ((((((HUGS))))) It is all very sad and makes no sense..... I am familiar with this feeling all too well since DH died (and the subsequent deaths that followed).

Well I woke up today with one thing on my mind...my closets! I went through the 2 that I keep clothes and shoes in and did my first sweep (I find that if I do it in 2 sweeps it is less "stressful" letting go of stuff...I have a bag full of stuff headed to Salvation Army and a dozen items going to resale. And I feel way better! I also sanded, primed and painted the plaster patching I had done. And I am working on laundry. Now I'm going to get ready for the party I have to go to, stop and pick up the gift card (nothing like waiting until the LAST minute), stop at the post office box, take the sweater back, pick up a few things at Trader Joes and stop to get gas. Car interior cleaning is on hold til tomorrow. Amazing how I can gut and remodel an entire house but then get stuck in this little stuff that seems to grow out of control. What is the saying, "The devil is in the details?" I feel like I am really getting through all these little tasks that have been nagging at me and getting my home back in order...it is really making me feel good.

So, this is something I have been pondering lately....because at times my relationship can be difficult...I wanted to really think this through before posting...and right now this is what I have come up with... I met DH when I was 32 and had never been married. I had lived with roomates, a brief live in boyfriend arrangement and then on my own in my own house. I had my ways, my habits...I remember being very reluctant to make the move in commitment to DH. When DH's lease was up he wanted to move nearer to me, I remember telling him he could only move so far north and no farther. In the case of a break up I did not want my grocery store, video rental and dry cleaners all to become his places. He moved to a flat on the border line of the cut off I had set..not a lie! (God, who did I think I was?!?). Slowly things evolved and we moved in together and subsequently married. I called most of the shots (ya think?). He pretty much went along with whatever I planned. He was very complacent that way. Well, see where this is headed? My BF now has never been married and was quite content in his aloneness, also set in his ways. And this of course is where most of the conflict comes from...I am having to learn how to compromise...and sometimes I don't like it...cause sometimes I'm a brat...and sometimes so is he. So our relationship can be tumultuous at times. But I have come to realize there is a good solid base there. I need to be willing to let go of my old ways and be willing to recognize BF for who he is in the relationship. We are both learning, and I think that is the key, we are both willing to figure out what it takes. It is difficult recoupling when we thought we had "the one" and we were so used to the pattern of life with them. It was comfortable and safe, but when I honestly look back I realize it had issues too. I wonder if DH thought it was more difficult than I did given the dynamic we created...I somehow think he probably did and I just didn't realize it.