IfIonlycould

Finally showered and washed hair too! Just had thai food and beer...sitting around in yoga pants and a thermal shirt...not much happening....feel better lc!

Shark steam mop...I have all hardwoods even the kitchen and 1/2 bath and swiffer or vacuum them first and then steam mop. I still do the washerwoman hands and knees on the bathroom ceramic floors though...but the steam is good for those too.

Ok through fits and starts and distractions... House is vacuumed, steam mopped, kitchen and baths are sparkling, 1 load done, one in dryer and one in washer...I am headed into the shower and then will crack open a beer and sort through the small pile of papers before it becomes big. And you know what? I feel better...in part thanks to wids on this board and because I now have an incredibly clean house and the rest of the weekend to do what I want.

Kate-I really hope you land it...those hours ARE incredible!!!! We are all waiting to hear the good news!

Anniegirl--Thank you so much for your reply....all of it struck a chord and no you did not end on a downer note...you gave me honesty which I desperately needed to not feel so alone....this whole loss of spouse thing is beyond human comprehension sometimes...all of the multi layers that follow...and navigating down new roads when I felt the most lost .....but then another wid comes along and shares her/his truth and suddenly I don't feel so lost....that maybe this is how it is now, you know? "It has nothing to do with present life. In which we are lucky and really blessed. It's more an acknowledgement that we've had a hard lesson in the fragility of life. You can't unknow some things. It's a bit of a joy suck. I take nothing for granted. And I have things that matter. People that matter. But sometimes, I wonder why I can't dream big anymore. Or rather, I can, but I don't." I keep rolling the "You can't unknow some things. It's a bit of a joy suck." around in my head...when I read this I started to cry...because, yes, you nailed it. Thank you for sharing that both you and your husband understand what I am talking about...because if you look at my life today I too "am lucky and really blessed" but this feeling nags at me ...your entire reply really helped.

My first post on YWBB: It was done October 29th, 2008 Unfortunately I'm here IfIonlycould Member Registered: 10/29/08 I wish I had never had a reason to be on this site--I wish for all of you the same. I lost the love of my life, my husband, my destiny, in July. We were together almost 12 years and married just a little over 6. I have been reading posts for almost a month. i carry your heart with me i carry it in my heart _________________________ We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds. Aristotle Onassis

I'm having one of "those days"....still in pj's ...lots of changes going on around me and I'm not good with change (great that I get to be a widow...the breed that gets to deal with change the most!)...so I'm heading down the rabbit hole and realized I better find my way over here and set goals before this spirals down completely... Take shower. Vacuum and steam mop floors. Dust. Three loads laundry. Clean bathroom. Organize papers that are starting to make a pile on the desk before they do become a real pile! So even if I feel down...if I can push through and do it at least I will be down but with clean hair and a clean house!

I am beyond active grieving...I know this is my life now and that wishing for things to go back is a waste of my energy. I have gone through alot since he died...including but not limited to...being in the process of moving back from out of state when he died...having to fix up and sell the house we had purchased...starting and training at two new part time jobs to try to make ends meet...moving to a rental house...quitting the part time jobs and starting and training at a full time job, buying...moving to...completely remodeling another house, the death of my mother, selling and moving from the remodeled house to another rental, buying another house to gut and remodel, the death of a friend, moving from the rental to the newly remodeled house, cutting back full time job to part time and starting my own business.... For the most part I am beyond the terrible grief....but I am tired...tired...tired....when I look at all that I have gone through I would say "Yeah well no wonder...." if any of you had told me this was your journey....I just feel like the wind is out of my sails...around the 3rd year I felt moments of joy...no I'm not talking about when you are with a friend and can laugh so hard you fall on the floor...those came back...but I am talking about the ones where you feel it deep down...the whoop joy feeling...that you get when you are alone in your thoughts and life feels good...but I'm back to not feeling the whoop joy feeling as much...back to wondering when and if it will find me again...back to feeling just too damn tired to go after it... Anyone else this far out (Six and a half years) and still having this? or still having these swings? I shared all I have gone through so you would understand where I am coming from...I often wonder if I have been operating on pure adrenaline for these past six and a half years and my mind and body are finally saying "We need a break!" (ps health checks out ok)

nonesuch--that's fantastic! still LOVE that you call him Flavor!

Virgo--thanks for keeping it going!!!!!! CBB-some days...heck some weeks getting up (and if you can showering and getting dressed) is goal enough! I've got a week of being all over the place between two 12 hour days at "old job" and three different projects for three different clients...my week is FILLED with work...my goals are to eat healthy, get enough sleep and keep the house looking presentable...I am always really worn down for at least a week after spring daylight savings (I know ridiculous...it's just an hour...how can it affect me so?) If I accomplish anything else I will come back to share because I know I will be excited!