IfIonlycould

SimiRed-Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....YOU ARE STRONG YOU CAN DO THIS....we are standing behind you. Wheelerswife-Please keep us updated.

My opinion is that it is ok...you are expressing REAL TRUE frustration at an event that turned your world upside down....I don't know if any of us ever really "get past" it...but we hopefully learn to live with it as a part of who we are now. Have you tried therapy/reading/journaling/exercise/support groups/church? Whatever may be helpful to you on this journey? Just wanted you to know I hear you...somedays still are really bad (although the spacing is way further apart than it was at 4.5 years) and I'm coming up on 7 years.

I have moved a few times since he died and this is exactly what I did. I moved boxes of his stuff with me and when ready would "release" them as I saw fit. I'm now in the fifth location (I buy, fix up and sell) since he died and I am down to one rubbermaid bin! Moving is stressful enough, you do not need the added emotional stress of seeing all of his things and making decisions about them. As far as hiring movers, I have found that by the time I rented a truck, paid the mileage fees, paid a couple young boys and enlisted friends it was actually cheaper to hire movers! And done very quickly. Hope it is going well for you! You really deserve your very own sanctuary.

mmg- as a "single" homeowner you are entitled to 250,000 profit before capital gains tax sets in on the sale of a house. That is profit...that means if you paid 200,000 and sold it for 450,000 you are free and clear....if you bought it for 200,000 and sold it for 500,000 but can show receipts accumulated over the years that you did more than 50,000 in capital improvements you will still be free and clear of capital gains tax...forever, no one,two or any amount of years before you buy the next house will affect that. There are many calculators online to decide if buying v. renting is right for you. They allow you to input the amount of down payment, interest rate, property taxes and cost of yearly maintenance v. the cost of rent, possible money lost from no realization of equity and no federal tax breaks if you itemize your taxes, and possible money gained from being able to invest the cost of down payment, closing costs and home maintenance fees you are not incurring. This may help you to make a better informed decision. From the little you have presented renting may be an option for you given that it sounds like you do not qualify for the best interest rate right now and you will be able to fund your 401k to the match point (like giving yourself a raise). Not a bad idea to save for retirement. Many believe that buying a home will build equity to fund retirement but unless you have the ability to buy a fixer upper and put sweat equity into it a home should not be viewed this way. Just ask anyone who went through the real estate bubble burst. Try the calculators I suggested they may help you to make a decision. It sounds to me like you are leaning toward renting, saving for the future and buying when you are in a better position to buy. Good luck and sorry if told you info you already knew.

Here's what I need to get accomplished this coming weekend: Dust, Vac, Wash floors, Clean bathrooms. Make the railing for the one part of the deck I reconfigured. Get flowers for all of the pots. Attatch flower boxes to inside of arbor (I want that look where the flowers are cascading over the top of the arbor). Install blinds in the one bedroom (have had drapes in there but I like to have both). Project for client (should take about 6 hours total). I think that's enough for now...I want a little time to relax! Who else has a list they want to commit too?

I gave the "dream house" scenario as an example of how I am more apt to let others influence me than I was before I became a widow. I am not in a particullarly bad spot right now emotionally but felt like I wanted to toss around the idea of how I seem to let this happen now. I am capable of managing my life and have been doing so for a long time. I did not marry my husband until I the age of 37 (met him at 31) so I was quite used to taking care of and making decisions myself. That is why it comes as such a surprise to me when I let others opinions invade my thought process. It is something that I attribute to the effect that his death had on my self esteem. I agree with you Beyond people present their opinions and advice most often from their point of view and desires. And Canadiangirl, yes, I do feel I need to learn this lesson and own the next big decision so I can get back to getting my dreams met in this life. Ah widowhood......

Hi my dear sweet friend-it is ok you don't need to go...take one of your "care packages" to the house or send her a heartfelt card or a pot of forget-me-nots. If you know it will be a trigger why put yourself there? You have been through so much with Grant's death and your best friend dying...if going to that funeral home and being in that room is going to set you back then you actually owe it to yourself not to go. You are one of the kindest people I know, you are not skipping the funeral for lack of that, you are taking care of yourself. It's ok. ((((HUGS))))

To widowhood for me is my indecisiveness and inability to trust myself anymore. I am posting here in B.A.G. because I believe that this happens to nearly everyone in the first couple years but I am coming up on 7 years and it still effects me. This has become a real issue for me as decisions I have made have often been based on too much input from others leaving me ultimately unhappy with the final outcome. I know it is my fault not theirs, believe me I am definitely not blaming other people in this, they are giving me opinions based on their own needs, wants and desires not on mine. So why then do I allow their opinions and feedback to effect me so to the point of swaying me from my own desires? The seed gets planted and I am off and riding the self doubt train! There have been many times this has happened but one of the most concrete examples is in the latest house purchase. This would have been in July of 2013 as close to (in my budget) my dream house popped up on the market...it had so much of what I was looking for...so much...we were the first ones in to see it and immediately put in an offer along with a heartfelt letter explaining how much I loved the house and property (major competitive market) and they accepted my bid (they later told me it was the letter)! And then it started...my brother and his wife did not like the lot it was on and let it be known, one friend who likes more city life chirped in, another gave her opinion as to the inconvenience to certain things....and a few more....and my mind was off and running...should I do this? what am I thinking? I don't know what I'm doing....so when the inspection revealed some crawl space issues (that could be remedied and the sellers were willing to work with me on) I bailed...and I have regretted it everyday since. I ended up finally purchasing a house in December of 2013 that I was not at all in love with but that made decent enough sense...the market here had been a struggle for buyers for a good year and half and every house had multiple bids on it. It was at the point that you take what you can get an accepted offer on....and every day since then I have found myself trying to make this house into something it is not....and when I am really down I think of the house that should of been.... So I shared this particular story as an example of who I have become....and it makes me so sad and frustrated. Because I am not sure how to fix it. I haven't seen my therapist in a while and I think I am going back to work with him on this issue. But one of the best ways I have learned how to navigate the widow waters is through all of you ....so anyone who wants to share in this topic would be most appreciated.

MS-Just came on here to post something and saw yours. Sending Big Hugs and lots of support to you. I am glad you are remembering the good things. From reading your posts you do seem to be coming to terms with it all a little more everyday...it is the worst journey to navigate, I am sorry you ever had a reason to be here. (((HUGS)))) to my fellow goal get 'er doner.

Tweety-7 years is coming up in July....I have not gotten angry at him...there is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with my wid friend who is "F____g Pissed" at her DH....we are all in this together but having different experiences...your way is the right way for you right now...and that of course is always subject to change. Sending understanding thoughts.

I haven't been here in a few days and missed all that you had gone through...just want to say I am glad you are home and on the road to recovery...Warm wishes and hugs!

Maureen-For all you have accomplished and continue to do, for all you have been through and now we get to congratulate you on your degree....I know you will "keep figuring this out". Congratulations!

I know...and I remember that I did...and I REALLY missed the life we had...3.5 year time was very hard for me. (((HUGS)))

TooSoon-Year three came as quite a surprise to me too, to say the least. Year one I was a walking zombie, in total shock. Year two I was hustling to get the house together and sold and figure out where I was headed next. I needed to sell the house, find a place to live, secure a fulltime job with bernefits, etc. I was still the "newly" grieving widow trying to find her place." I guess I and the rest of the world assumed by year three I would have "found my place". I had a fulltime job, I had gone from a selling "our house" to a rental to buying my house, I was in a commited relationship, I was going out with friends and doing fun things. I had a good life! And still I woke up in year three and felt worse than ever...I mean LOW....it was so confusing for me. After all I had done to push myself to this point shouldn't I feel a sense of peace? Yet l I felt so unsettled still. It was an awful year for me....I am coming up on 7 years...7 years! in July...much, much better now...still have my moments...but yes, I remember being horribly confused and lost feeling in year three. (((((HUGS))))) Come here and post as needed....get it out....we are all here for one another.

Well I am only 1/2 way through the deck/patio project and it is friday (end of week and I have to go spend all day at a clients). Helper 1 was a no show due to car troubles and I had forgotten how F...... SLOW ('scuse me) Helper 2 is! I am truly frustrated! I do however have grass growing in the area I patched, the garage is all straightened up, the stuff has gone to Salvation Army, the lattice fence is down, the deck has all new deck boards replacing the bad ones and I managed to fit in client work and 2 doctors appts. I guess way better than I was doing when I went into a funk this winter! Oh and I did put a call into sprinkler guy who could come on weds. (day I had to be across town at clients) I am trying to get a hold of him to reschedule it but he is not getting back to me. Just feeling very frustrated right now due to other people! So I guess this is more a post about frusration than goals but I'm hopng some cheerleaders will come out and cheer me to the finish..... ;D

All of this.

Oh Smabify, I see that you have just had to endure your three year sadiversary...three very long years that probably feel like it just happened...I am so sorry and sending you (((((HUGS))))).

Trying- Keep us posted!!!!

ARGH! Best laid plans! One of the helpers today hit a pothole, blew a tire and bent the rim....so he couldn't make it....he was going to be the patio stone mover My other friend couldn't get here til noon and when he first got here we spent time securing and repitching gutters. We then were able to take down the lattice wall and pull up about 1/2 the deck boards that need replacing before it started to pour rain! Sigh....but I did at least take the stuff to Salvation Army that I have been meaning to drop off. Oh and need I mention the rotting fascia boards we discovered when playing with the gutters? ARGH!!!!

Seems to be a common theme, either the house got out of control in widowhood or a switch went on in our brains to simplify or both. Here is something that I found to be very useful: Take a notebook and go through the house room by room. At the top of the page write down what that rooms purpose is....I don't mean what it's standard usual purpose is but what your intention and purpose is for the room. So for instance it may look like this: Livingroom: Entertaining, watching T.V., taking naps on couch, reading, doing yoga, listening to music. Now look around the room, is it set up well for those events? What is in the room that does not serve any purpose to those? Remove anything that does not support the purpose(s) of the room. Now look around the room again. Do you have everything you need to fulfill your intentions for the room? Is there plenty of seating, or extra seating that can be brought in from dining room when entertaining? Are there places for people to set food and/or drinks? Is there a comfortable spot to watch T.V., is your stereo system in place and set up well for good listening? Do you have plenty of throws, quilts and pillows to sink into for a nap? They can be stored in an armoire or nearby closet but keep them close and designated just for that purpose. Is there adequate lighting for reading? Whare do you keep your yoga mat? Again keep one handy in a nearby space. Now write down everything you need to do to get the room into that order. There may be some unfinished projects in the room, like a piece of trim that needs to be painted or a light fixture you have wanted to change. It may be that you need to get rid of some things that don't belong in serving your purpose and then get others that do...and then go through the list and cross off as you make your way toward the purposeful room. I have found this to be one of my best tricks when clearing out spaces and simplifying. Hope this hint and example helps!

MS-Back on the bandwagon...I'll be cheering you on! Trying-Wow! Big stuff headed your way...keep us posted! RIFoF-You are becoming the goal king....keep up the GREAT work! Thanks guys for keeping this thread going, it really helps me when I read about other peoples accomplishments to keep my momentum...this is the year of fixing up this fixer uppers exterior, let me tell you no small feat! Previous owners basically did the barest minimum (it was a hoarders house, not as gross as you see on the T.V. show but pretty damn unbelievable). So hopefully my weather will cooperate today as I have the big patio/deck project going today and I have a goal of getting the old lattice wall down, all of the patio stones that need to be moved moved, old boards on deck replaced, new railing made and new step made.

Like Patricia I am a huge fan of the micro fiber cloths...the good ones...expensive at first but worth every penny and saves alot in the long run. Make sure you get the glass polishers too. Use a nappy microfiber dampened to wipe glass or mirrors and follow with a dry glass polishing cloth...saves on paper towels and windex and is chemical free! Also I love my steam mop...never have to buy any floor cleaners...just let the hot steam clean the wood floors perfectly. Since I remodel the homes I move into I am a big time craigslister and find extremely high quality furniture and appliances at a fraction of the price, you just have to be willing to travel a little and have the vehicles to pick stuff up. My professional series gas range sells for 3,000.00 and we got it for 650.00 (and could not believe it when we went to pick it up the folks had maintained it to perfection it looked brand new!), I moved it with me from the last house and it has been going strong for 5 years now. The fridge is a stainless french door with freezer on bottom that sells for 2,000.00 and we picked up for 800.00, again looked showroom new. Craigslist has allowed me to "afford" the stuff I really want in my home while still living in a budget!

It is what makes this whole widowhood thing so damn confusing...because I am so grateful for my love I have in my life today and yet sometimes it hits with such disbelief that the love that I thought I would always be sharing is now gone. And I do feel so grateful that I did get to share part of my life with such an incredible man. Early on another widow told me "Don't be afraid you will always be loved." I just could not believe her but she told me the love would come in many forms. And she was right, she told me because M. and I had such a real true love I would always be open to giving and receiving love. I hear you Mac, and I too am grateful for my past and my present.

OK I have fallen behind on stated goals but I did get some other stuff done so I don't feel too bad. This week is a big week to get stuff done, I have a couple friends coming tomorrow and we have alot to accomplish and then for the rest of the week there is even more! Pull up patio stones to create flower bed area. Make outside dining area with remaining patio stones. Put extra patio stones on side of garage to set garbage cans on. Take down the old lattice wall that was blocking previous owners hot tub. Possibly use part of lattice wall to create BBQ area. Pull up any rotting deck boards and replace. Make new step to deck area. Put up brackets for window boxes. Secure gutters that have come loose. Patch grass area where we removed tree. Straighten garage. Finally take stuff to Salvation army! Finally clean interior of car! Call sprinkler guy to come get the system up and running (previous owners let a pipe freeze). Varnish seagrass chairs on front porch. Keep house picked up and keep up on laundry.

RIFof4-You are an amazing inspiration! You stated a few weeks ago in the goals section that you were ready to "go for it" and you have been on fire! It is amazing though isn't it after doing these grand purges/organizing stints that one thing can bring us back to our knees? It has happened to me as well, I understand that the quilt was not just a quilt. I too have been in the process of letting it all go...well on this board and the last one....I have moved many times since his death finding fixer uppers and remodeling them ( and yes in the process finally going through boxes)...I want to settle in this latest house for a little while (for me 5 years is long) and make it my serenity house. Keep it up and when you hit a bump in the road sit back and be kind to yourself. (And as a side note: Wat33-I'm not sure I see the problem in the screws lining up? I must be crazy too! And too, who the heck wouldn't make sure something was centered properly? The little details make a difference...we should go to her house and have a field day!