IfIonlycould

I was in the same place in year 2. Like SVS said it was when reality started to hit....the first year I was lost in the actual fact that he was dead and I was a widow, I was learning that the man I knew and loved was never coming back. Year 2 I began to realize that the life I had come to know and love was now gone as well. I was a neat freak pre death as well and found myself letting things continue to slip too, many days coming home and collapsing. I remember thinking the same thing in counseling "I know what's wrong!" From past reading on YWBB I found this to be quite common for year 2. I did continue with counseling and eventually it sort of morphed into life coaching which was helpful. I got together with a couple friends every three weeks or so and we would make commitments to "projects" we needed to get done (which sometimes was "catch up the laundry or file the papers that are piling up") that seemed to help as we were all in a spot of feeling lost and needing guidance and morale boosting. I remember wondering where the person with all of the energy had gone too, I still have that feeling every once in a while but no where like I had it the first 3 years. Unfortunately there is no way through this whole awful mess then to go through this whole awful mess. All I can offer is hang in there, that's what I did and I promise it did get better. ((((HUGS)))) from someone who gets it.

MS-Very early on for me a young widow was sent to me and she held both my hands, looked me in the eyes and said "You are still loved, he is no longer here but know you are loved, it will come from others now and in different forms but you will always be loved." I have never forgotten those words and they have given me comfort over the years. I understand what she meant as I have seen and felt the love given to me and by me since his death. It sounds like Pru "said" the same thing to you, I am glad you heard it. We WILL be ok.

It is that time of year for me, when I face the anniversary of my fathers death long ago and the anniversary of DH's death now at the 7 year mark. Not the same day but the same month. I spent the sadiversary of Dad's death going to cemetery and then to my brother's house where we just hung out together sometimes talking deeply, sometimes laughing. I miss all that I missed with my father over all the years but I am grateful he has not had to bear witness to my incredible pain of the loss of my husband. How unbearable that would have been for him to see his baby suffering in the depths of despair and be completely unable to do anything about it. I cannot believe it will be 7 years since my life as I knew it came to an end and left me struggling and searching to find and make my way along a new path. If I reach inside I realize in many ways I am still just going through the motions in this new life, still not fully connecting to the new reality. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I feel ok, grateful, at peace....but I think for me there will always be a feeling of unfinished business in my life that forms a feeling of disconnect. Seven years.

Totally get it...and this IS the place where we can come and let it out. The FB thing is awful....having to relive by seeing those pictures.

Jess-I have had the he comes back dreams ....wow yours was unbelievably clear....mine have been more muddy...but I do remember having one where he came back and I wasn't willing to accept him back...I told him I was in love again. That was a tough one to process when I woke up. I believe you are coming up on your year 1 sadiversary? And all the changes....no wonder you are having all of these feelings hitting full force. Year 2 was really hard for me...it became all about REALLY processing that he was gone and this was my new life and like you learning to work through the anger that I had to rebuild again. Thank you for sharing the dream....I'm not the only one to have this kind it seems.

I come from both sides of this...never been one to retail therapy a situation, that's me but I understand other people really love to shop....however having said that I have my life long dream vehicle now....bought 2 years ago....and getting in that toy of mine and heading out on drives makes me feel like me and everything feels ok in the world....but I grew up with motorhead brothers so I think it is in my blood to have a vehicle make me feel "whole" again!

Finding the right shrubs for the back proprety line at the garden center with "Promo $5.00" tags and getting to the register to find out they have been marked down to $3.75! Believe me I was plenty happy at $5.00 this was the added little happy bonus!

Trying-Changing the name of this thread to "MY boyfriend is not MY husband." I get what you are saying. I have been with boyfriend over five years and sometimes I still just want my life back, the one I had with my husband, the one where the ground rules were established, the one with the knowing..... It is just not easy when in adult life I had adapted to and been adapted to in a certain way...then poof that way of being, the very essence of how I conducted life with another was taken away...and I am left trying to adapt again and be adapted to and it just isn't as easy...is it age? the fact I had already adjusted to a certain way of being? the feeling that I am just plain tired of his death making me so tired I don't have the energy to deal with this? I don't know.... DH an I were at that point in life of the plateau...the uphill struggles behind us, the downhill sllde still ahead...and the plateau stage got ripped away. For me it became an uphill struggle again.... if I was still with hub we would be peacefully plateauing. With boyfriend I am facing an uphill struggle reestablishing my place in life and he happens to be here. That makes me miss my life, makes me miss that stage of life that was taken from me and I get very confused as to what part is missing hub, what part is missing the plateau stage and what part is feeling like life with boyfriend isn't there. You made me really think.

CONGRATS.!!!!!!!! You kept keeping on and it paid off!!!! I am so happy for you!

Trying- WHAT THE FUCK ?!?!?! Who are these horrendous people saying these things to your son? "Is it hard to see everyone's posts about fathers day?" "Are you sick?" Who in their right mind would even ask that?????? Gee whiz what a bunch of dumb fucks...I'm standing beside you saying fuck you!

Amazing isn't it how you can get to year six, be moving along and then Whammo! it hits again!?!?! Yep have been there. Sorry it's all piling up and yes aren't we lucky to all have one another if this is the journey we had to take? (((((HUGS)))))

Fuck people who think just because they think of something a certain way THAT is the RIGHT way.....I am sick and fucking tired of people constantly interjecting their own viewpoints ...GREAT GOOD FOR YOU! THAT is good for your life, now kindly step aside and allow me to live MY life from my vantage point. FUCK and then you wonder why I want to be left alone.

I am sorry you have or any of us have a reason to be here. Take it one day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. Accept help from people but only if it is the help YOU want. Stay hydrated. Remember that getting out of bed and showering can be considered a major accomplishment at this stage in your loss. Come here often to read and post, it really does help to know you are not alone in this, you will find wids here with similar situations and wids who couldn't be further from your situation but we all share the one commonality...we are all just trying to find how to make our way in this new life. (((((HUGS))))

Just came across this thread, thanks for starting it as this is something I have been trying to figure out for a while now....I have thought of asking my niece if she would want to wear it (there are 2 nieces from that sister-one my size and one her mothers size so sis could still have a daughter wear her dress) but I don't want her to feel obligated...like Jess I also worry I don't know if I believe in curses...but I believe in "energy"...does the dress hold the energy of the beautiful day? or for what eventually came after? Niece lives out of state and is coming to visit this summer...I will just ask her and if she says "No thank you" I will come up with plan B. I too have been purging and releasing. I feel like it is time to let the dress go... Please let me know what you ultimately do with yours.

Oh ...there will be these days, when missing him and missing the old life are so acute it feels like it is consuming us from the inside out....you can do it....get up, get showered, go to Church....you will be able to do this. Try not to think too much when the grief monster comes calling....put yourself onto autopilot and keep moving forward through tomorrow. You can do it.

I was out to dinner on February 26th last year with my friend/mentor a very wise, vibrant, active 80 year old man, who because of his vitality appeared 15 years younger to the world and ageless to me. I said to him "S.... if you had told me 5 and 1/2 years ago that we'd be sitting here and I would feel happiness I would have told you to go to hell." His reply was "Honey, in all the years I have been on the earth and the older I get I know this...people die and life goes on." On March 3rd that same year he suffered a massive heart attack and died instantly while coming down the stairs in his home on his way to work. In some way those words have given me a permission so to speak to live my life in spite of and because of the losses I have had. I miss his wisdom and advice. What a gift that last nugget was to help carry me through my grief.

I haven 't read the full on article yet but just want to say I do carry the melancholy of of my father's death, husbands death, mothers death and friend/mentors death (I put them in order of loss...)....they and their deaths are all part of who I am now....I have recoupled but that does not erase my past, it makes my present better but I can't and don't expect a relationship to make up for all I have experienced....this is all a part of life.

Very well put...

I can't comment on LDR because never been there done that. I can however comment on the whole house thing...common thread with us wids...seems like alot of us want to move on from the house at some point and create our own sanctuary...DH and I had just bought a fixer with a 3-4 year plan...and then he died. And I had the fixer with no plan but to get out asap. So I threw it together and put it on the market about 9 months later (in a really bad market)...ended up walking away with about 200.00 profit...worst flip I had EVER done but again my "plan" had been derailed. But wait "I" didn't have a plan "we" did. All I knew was I needed to get out of that house and figure out what next? At least I didn't lose money I kept telling myself. My point here is we do what we have to so we can get on with where we are headed even if we don't always know where we are going. I have since moved 4 times buying, fixing, selling....So I eventually found a plan again. Your house should be your sanctuary, we have been tossed around too much, we need a firm place to regroup and recharge...sitting on your front porch not because you like too but because you can't stand the thought of going back into that house is telling you everything you need to hear. Listen to yourself. I cannot begin to even tell you where to land...here, there or somewhere in between but I think you know it is time to make a housing change. As far as the job...seems to be another common theme among us wids, no matter what the profession but mostly it seems to happen when we are working for others and have to put up with the politics. Many if not most of us seem to have developed an intolerance for bullshit and the ability to spot it quicker than before. I am in the process of creating my own work life now by taking the leap to self employment (had a business before so not new to me). Again it is another leap away from the steady, benefit laden job that I too had people telling me not to leave even though they knew how miserable I was. Rambling rambles but just wanted to chime in another view since you asked.

Hi Virgo, Trying and Needytoo-Wow! You have all been busy getting it done! Welcome here tmppgh-we remember what it was like to just have a goal of getting up and showering! Just take it one day at a time and go easy on yourself. I remember having a conversation with my therapist. I was frustrated because I seemed unable to get anything accomplished and I had alot to get done...I had to get a house on the market to sell and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and cry. He told me to paint the window trim and cry...I would have still gotten the cry out and something would have gotten done too. He promised me I would feel just a little better afterwards and he was right. Well, I keep getting sidetracked from my posted goals, it seems like something is always popping up (including terrible rain storms!) to move me in a different direction but I am still getting stuff done. I finally have all of the patio stones that I was removing moved to the side of the house for the trash cans to sit on...WOW! anyone here ever move those 2x2 patio stones? Thank God I had a dolly. The patio is now down to a more reasonable size (it was 26x16 with no bedding around it..I took out enough to make a flower bed area on one side and a border on the other now it won't be just one massive expanse of stones). I planted some flowers but not all. Got sidetracked to fix a plumbing issue. Rain brought me inside so I went down to basement and continued to sort and purge. So again the patio project continues! This weekend: Get the bedding area cleared out of remaining base sand. Amend the soil. Plant perennials in the bed. Mulch the bed. Spray flower pots (I have the plastic pots that I spray paint a high gloss black --makes them look like ceramic without the weight and can't tell they are not ceramic!) Plant annuals in the pots. Vacuum and dust house.

Absolutely...although the further out I get (coming up on 7 years) the more likely that the answer that comes back is "after"...sigh....

I read through all of the replies and want to add this to my first post...I met BF about 20 years ago....we were acquaintances....so I actually knew BF for 2 years before I met LH. In the process of coupling in widowhood with BF I told him I had always had a crush on him....was it totally true? Well, I had always thought he was a cutie but did I have a crush on him? ...but you know what it didn't kill me to make him think he held a spot in my eye and heart all those years. I think it went a LONG way in making him feel like he was/is just as special to me as LH....and he is...I have chosen to spend my life with him now just as I had chosen to spend my life with my husband all those years back...I want him to feel secure in knowing he is not second choice...he is not...he is a "choice" I am grateful for every day...in many ways we are a better fit than LH and I...and if you had ever asked me if I thought that could be possible when I was with LH or in my first couple years of widowhood I would have told you absolutely not...but here I am 5 years with BF. And as far as the baggage of being scared...oh yes, we had a scare to where I had to call medics...thought BF was having a heart attack....I was a wreck...a wreck...one of the medics turned to me and asked if I was ok cause I really didn't look good...he thought he was getting a two for one deal out of the call....BF was ok...a reaction to pain meds from a thrown back (he doesn't normally take meds so they really affected him)...but it sent me into a tailspin for months afterwards.

Ginger-I know every year you came to "remember him" as I remember from YWBB. At almost seven years out I understand it about people not sharing about him much anymore. Would love to "hear" some stories of your and Jim's life together if you care to share. Twelve years....

Continue to stay strong! You will get through this.....you will....keep focused on what you want.

I think of course we will still miss them, sometimes more than others as we continue to ride the grief waves...am I "damaged goods"? Well, I guess, but I think everyone brings baggage with them to relationships..whether divorced, WIDOWED or never married. While my BF doesn't mind and will even engage in conversations about my late husband I learned fairly early on in our relationship to take it to my therapist if I was having a particularly hard time. So sometimes he finds me crying while doing the dishes as I have a memory flash (although not as often as he used to, now I find I smile more at memories) but he also gets the benefits of someone who learned to be a good partner, embraced cooking, can run a household on no sleep, is diplomatic with in laws, and so many other things that I gained during my marriage. Sometimes I miss life with husband and sometimes I think BF and I are better suited. Guess I'm in the craziness with you!