IfIonlycould

I so remember being shocked, just so absolutely confused that I felt WORSE year two than in year one. For me years two and three I had lost my enthusiasm. I truly learned the meaning of the phrase "fake it til you make it". I kept very, very busy those years (work, work, work...like you I did not have the responsibility of children to distract me- a blessing and a curse) and tried not to think too much as thinking ultimately lead me down dark paths. I saw a therapist regularly, went on the old board and read and posted, went to bagos, read other widows memoirs and pushed myself to go out and do things. To the outside world I was engaging in life again....but inside I felt dead, more dead than that horrible first year and I remember thinking "Oh God, is this it? This is not living, this is simply surviving." Year four was when I actually started to genuinely return to life, in fits and starts with plenty of backsliding but it definitely was happening. Year five I knew I had to really make decisions toward MY future (though again to the outside world for all of the accomplishments I had achieved to this point post his death one would think I was on the path to MY future). I think in year five I began to really consider who I was, who I used to be and where I was headed. I still had moments of active grieving, loss of enthusiasm and sorrow for the life I would never get back. I am in year seven now and can genuinely tell you I feel different and that I NEVER thought I would feel this ok again. Yes I am going to say it...Hang in there....fake it if you have to...keep working on it....I NEVER thought I would get here.

Trying-in years 2 and 3 I was finally coming to the understanding that he really was not coming back, I would bounce back and forth between Active Grief and Beyond Active Grief. I went from mourning him to also mourning the loss of the life I once had....quite frankly, and I posted about this recently, I feel that in year 7 I am truly in Beyond Active Grief...took a while....I learned to let myself go into the active grieving when it came up on me, I came here during those times and am grateful I had all of you to turn to to get me through the bouts. You have had SO many big changes recently, allow yourself the time to feel your emotions. (((((HUGS)))))

Mac-I get it. I feel most at peace when I head out and away from here and into the woods or out to the water. That is a beautiful spot you go to...

On friday took 20 items of clothing to consignmennt, they took 14, the rest is going to donation. Came home and went through closet again, set aside 10 more items and 6 pair of summer shoes I did not touch this year for donation.

DonnaP-Me too! I'm ready tp play again....so last night I went through undergarment and sock drawers and got rid of anything I no longer want. Also the basket in the kitchen I toss articles, coupons, etc into and purged out anything outdated/no longer needed. Not much but it is a start to getting back in the swing of it.

Thank you for sharing the pictures, you look absolutely beautiful and so happy. (I love your story)

I wish I could do more, sending (((((HUGS)))) and support as you and your family go through this....

Ah, Guaruja- If only we still had the YWBB or I had archived my endless posting on this subject and could have sent them to you, you could witness a fellow wids evolving struggle with just this thing. It has been seven years for me. While I was the decorator of our house many of the items in it were chosen by us together and many of those items in our travels, so much emotional attachment..... Starting with his personal stuff, I gave away much of his clothing to his cousin and best friend, who just having moved from warmer climes was happy to get it. Other items I donated to places I thought could put it to good use. There were some tools and personal items I sold, this felt weird at first until I saw the excitement in the eyes of the buyers. The biggest item being his truck, which I had actually held onto for a year and a half. I had asked a friend to sell it for me and not get me involved. I signed the title and we took it to my friends shop where he would meet up with perspective buyers. He called me and said he had buyers coming and that I should be there, I said no, he said you need to...he was right, the buyers were a mother and father with their 19 yr. old son and year old granddaughter that son had sole custody of...he was starting a career in contracting and needed a reliable solid work truck (my husband was a medic and licensed builder) who better indeed than that truck to go to? I felt at peace letting it go.... I packed up some things to be addressed at later dates when I felt ready (including a paper calendar he had written notes on).....I have slowly as the years have passed gone through stuff and let it go, I have kept some of my favorites, I have evolved my house as my grief journey has evolved, letting go of pieces of furniture that no longer suit me. Since I have downsized I no longer have a formal living room so all of that furniture was sold and/or given away. One of the other big emotional letting goes for me was the dining-room table, it was a large, beautiful expensive piece that we had many, many parties and get togethers on and made me sad every time I looked at it, sad for the life I no longer had. Then I thought, this table is such a huge responsibility, it had to be babied, cared for too much. I wanted an old farm table I could set things on, gather around with girlfriends and not cover with table clothes, spread projects out on....I sold "our table" and got my farm style table and have not looked back. I still have artwork, but a couple pieces were so "us" I no longer display them, I feel like if it hurts too much to see it, why hold on to it? I have a bin of personal stuff of his, it was his personal bin before he died, stuff he had put there, I haven't gone through it since he died, I may never again, who cares it is one bin stored on a shelf in the basement. I shared some of my stories to let you know that for me it was a process not a quick once and done. At times it was painful, but at times that pain turned to a sort of peace when I saw that his/our stuff would be loved/put to good use again. I posted alot during those times and I encourage you to do the same, the support I found on the old board and now this one was remarkable, there were times when letting go of stuff was so awful for me but my fellow wids were always here to keep me moving through it.

I think I moved into the beyond active grieving forum around 3 years on the old board but was no where near beyond ACTIVE grieving, it has been a long process for me, at seven years I finally feel like I am beyong active grieving. I really, truly have accepted that this is indeed my life to live and I am actively pursuing it. Up until this year I was still actively grieving my old life as his wife. Welcome to the board.

I think maybe it is this: On my anniversary this year no one called or acknowledged, I am 7 years out so I think maybe people have forgotten or don't mention it because maybe they think it would be inappropriate. I finally texted my mother in law and said "Thirteen years ago today I became your daughter in law." She texted back "Thirteen years ago today you became our daughter and you always will be." I have found often with people if we open the door they are ready to acknowledge our life with our late spouses that just didn't know if they should. I truly, truly wish you could have had 19 more times 2....I wish we all could have....(((((HUGS)))))

You are amazing, a TRUE inspiration to all of us. Change seems to make us miss them more, you know that.... You say that someday you hope to count on someone again, I understand what you are saying Tracey, to have someone there for you no matter what, for what it is worth....you do have that....it is you, you really did this...you made the decision, you made the plan, you executed the plan...you did it! You do have someone you can count on...it is you. That has been a huge discovery for me this year in my grief processing, knowing that I can count on myself. (((((((HUGS)))))) of celebration and support to you!

I don't want to jinx the way it is all going, but there does seem to have been a shift in me. I think I really am finally in BEYOND Active Grieving, yes, after seven years. I had some pretty chunky emotional breakthroughs this year. I have been getting back to me again. I went camping a month ago...ALONE...and had an incredible time...met wonderful people...had a real adventure, the kind you write home about and people say, "no, that's right out of a movie"...my older "toy" vehicle seems to open those doors for me...gets people interested and talking and once again "she" had some minor difficulties that had me looking for help and finding it and launching the adventure. I was myself again, the me I was before I even met DH, the me he fell for, the me I am most comfortable being...my authentic self. So I realized that has been what has been missing on the grief journey, my authentic self, I've had glimpses and touched based with her a few times but always somehow spun back away from her. Since that trip doors have been opening, I have been running into people from the past that I have wanted back in my life, work is being thrown my way...and I realize it is because I am open to it all again...it has been an incredible shift and quite frankly one I had resigned myself to never happening. I know this is rambling but I really wanted to share it somewhre IRL folks could never understand.

OSAAT-My chapter 2 and I have the most amazing chemical attraction more so than anyone I have ever been with (even DH). Many core values and interests shared/in common but there are others that we each take our own stand on....we are both very strong willed which leads to conflict...that's when that chemistry comes into play...helps us be forgiving to one another....

MS I have been busy and not on the board....I am not going to opine on whether it is too soon or not...only you can really know...I am just sending out my ((((((HUGS)))) and thoughts as I just learned of your beloved Pru's passing....

Klim- I have the guest book and kept a few cards tucked inside. I also have a ton of pictures all in black frames of various sizes that were set about the funeral home, all in a plastic tote now. Also a frame and candle given to me by the funral home that I do no want but for whatever wid reason have been unable to let go of, by the end of today I will have taken all of the pictures out of the frames and will file them away and then store the frames for future needs ( I just gave away 2 recently when I made cute pics for my 2 brothers and remembered "Hey I have a bunch of frames!") I will also get rid of the "funeral" frame and candle holder whether to donation or into trash. Reading your post made me realize how heavily these things are weighing on me..... Thank you for bringing this up, it is making me do something I have been putting off but I know I need to do.... Edited to add: I got off the computer and immediately went and took care of it, all of the frames have been gone through, pics put away and the other stuff that reminds me of funeral is gone. I so appreciate being able to come here and share this stuff that has been weighing heavily on me and I have been avoiding it for 7 years! Done! and I never deal with it again...KLIM-what did you decide to do?

I so get it, and everything that others shared and especially these that have all come into my head and out of my mouth at my WTF moments......

Trying-Been there! Moved quite a few times since DH passed and believe me my BF has had to deal with the brunt of my feelings! and as he is one who doesn't care much for change moving days have been, well, interesting points in our relationship!!!! We have always gotten to the other side of the stress and craziness intact but while it is happening....Glad you made it!

It is really cool and thank you for sharing the good news!!!!

Passed through my seven year mark recently, we are on the same timeline and that has always made me feel like somehow we are kindred spirits. His death is now a part of my story, it does not define me in my entirety like it once did but has become a part of who I am. Losing him at the midpoint in life has changed the path I was on, has changed where I thought I was headed, has changed where I thought my life would be....I have struggled with the acceptance, not of his death, no I will never accept the death of an incredible 42 year old man, but of the acceptance that the thoughts I had of where my life was and where it was headed are no longer my reality. I have had to take a (sometimes) harsh look at my reality in the past seven years and I have come to accept that I had a new path to walk. Sounds clean and neat all summed up like that but it has been far from clean and neat as many who know my postings and me IRL over these past seven years, it is something that is an ever evolving process. Sending support your way, I wish there was more I could do for you, I truly do.....if it helps in even the tiniest way please know I am listening...

Hikermom-Your post could have been written by me at my three years... I so hear everything you are saying but especially this.... "I know that things won't improve without a deliberate effort on my part. It is now time to summon the energy to make that effort." Keep swimming, we are all in the ocean with you. ((((HUGS))))

One of my bestest in the world friends and I have a saying... "I think I made him up in my mind." You can use it... Sorry you went through it all, we have, I'm sure all been there, either pre or post widowhood at one time or another....just glad you saw it for what it was and listened to what instinct had been saying.

Hi All! Been away from this post for a bit....impressed to see what you have all accomplished! I have FINALLY gotten to the 80% done point on the back landscape/patio/deck project....whew....and ended up doing most of it myself as the people I had lined up (and was paying!) to help flaked out early on...but goal has been to enjoy summer too in between work and working on the house. I have a busy couple days and need to stay focused and then I am going away for the weekend. So over the next 2 days: Tues: Client work 6 hours. Get stuff to "finish" wedding shower gift. Take back stuff to 2 stores, pick up patio lights. Pack. Plant more bushes on back fence line. Water everything. Weds: Work old job (lv. early) Client work 1 hour. Put everything in car. Take gift to grooms house (going to be out of town for shower). Dust, vac, wash floors. Get excited to head for 4 days of doing nothing and being engaged in nothing! Going on a trip alone and going a where the day takes me type of thing...much needed! Sick of obligations, expectations, ringing phones, emails, texts....now if I can just really allow myself to disengage and let go of the feeling "But you have SO much to do at home."

I really like the suggestion Trying has for your reply. And I completely agree with Flav. And here's my take....when young we have to take what we can get...including nights , weekends, long hours....to get to where we are going....you have earned the "cushy" M-F 10-6 schedule you have built for yourself! You no longer have to take what you can get...you are at a point in life that you have choices and not working nights, weekends and being able to have two days off in a row is a choice you get to make!

MS-Sending cyber support.....(((HUGS)))

It is so hard isn't it? Figuring out how people date, how to make our way through new relationships, whether to stay in ones we thought might be the chapter two....sounds like you have made the decision that is right for you. If you just keep feeling there is something not right, then you know what there is something not right....and this too: He may keep trying to work it out until you are clear you are done (if you are) and will continue to send texts. I agree with previous poster that you may need to not respond and break clean if indeed you do want it to be over. Otherwise you will be one of the "friends" he is texting when he is in his next relationship.