Jess

I am not sure how much wisdom I have, but that is so sweet to say!

Sitting in the airport pre-buttcrack of dawn on my way to go get my family. I cannot wait!

They moved the second interview to today so I wouldn't have to worry about delayed flights making me miss it. It went amazingly well. They gave me feedback as I talked and it was all "we were hoping you would say that" and "that is great!" I am never one to say it is in the bag because you never know, but at this point it would surprise me not to get the job. The hope is to find out by the end of next week. Fingers crossed!

Aww SVS. I admit I saw you were the last post in this thread and I got excited thinking it could just be you saying you could go because I would so love to get to meet you in person some day. Maybe if this is a success it could become an annual thing where we all have time to budget and plan so maybe you can join us next time.

Updated list: People that said they are in at some point in this thread: lcoxwell Jen Jess Justin (+DD and friend of DD) November MauiMermaid Michael797 LiveToRide (+DD) twistedmensa (+kids) People that have said Maybe somewhere in this thread: Mr C Quixote Momtojandj Karin Gracelet Amor twistedmensa, does this mean you will be taking an actual bago to the bago?

Hi StillWidowed, I tried "online support for young widows" and it came up 4th in search results for me, however we did not have that specific term listed in our metatags that search engines use to help find us. We actually have about 30 other varieties of that phrase, but not that phrase itself. I went ahead and added it and several other combinations of terms I thought of to increase our visibility. Hopefully over time it will pop up more as we continue to become established. Thanks for the question as it led to making an easy change that hopefully helps more people find us!

So, round 2 has been scheduled for Friday. That is actually the day I fly to Kentucky to go to Justin's DD's graduation and for the move. There is a narrow, two hour gap for the interview between being able to get to his house and needing to leave for graduation that they have scheduled a webcam interview during. It was going to be a webcam interview even if i was home because the panel is in Seattle and Iowa, so at least that isn't a big deal. I was told that it was okay if something happened like a delayed flight or something and we would just do it when I get back to AZ, but they really want to have offers for all the positions they are filling by the time I get back. The good news is I am the only one getting a second interview for the job i want so unless I seriously biff it and they decide to repost it, I'm in. I guess if I say anything too stupid I can blame it on jet lag?

It's hard to believe I head to Kentucky in 5 days to see DD graduate high school, load the truck, and get underway driving home to Arizona a week from today. I am beyond excited and have the highest level of gratitude for the gift of Justin and his DD in my life. I have been thinking a lot about everything this move entails- not the logistics or the planning but more what it means to have two people give up the only place they have ever known as home to be somewhere completely new and different. To know they are doing this for me to make sure there is an us is beyond humbling... overwhelming so. I find myself pinching myself that anyone thinks I am worth that kind of life change. I know the reality of it is that I am not worth making that kind of change, but rather the sum of all three of us together is worth it. As I sit in what will be our home for the last solitary Sunday, my mind is racing with thoughts of the future. I used to never want to think about the future because I didn't believe in one for myself. What a strange journey this has been so far and surely will continue to be. I'm not sure really what the point of me posting all of this is. I guess I just needed to somewhere to express the following thoughts: Yay! Oh my gosh... Holy cow! WTF? YAY!!!

Alright people, since Michael bumped this it seemed as good of a time as any to start getting organized. Before July 21st, we need to make sure we have a list of "Definitely going" so when we do meet up we have a solid plan and know who to look for when. There's no rush to commit yet at all as we have right at two months to figure it all out so if you are a maybe, there's no need to let us know you aren't coming but it would help a lot to let us know when you know you are able to attend by July 20th. I will try to update this as updates are available. People that said they are in at some point in this thread: lcoxwell Jen Jess Justin (+DD and friend of DD) November MauiMermaid Michael797 LiveToRide (+DD) People that have said Maybe somewhere in this thread: Mr C Quixote Momtojandj Karin Gracelet Amor Also, when we are closer to the date and the park has published hours, etc. I'll update that. Since this post is a few pages deep, does anyone think it would help is I make a new thead so the organization of the bago is the first post and editable since lcoxwell has her hands full?

Your entire post was wonderful, but this part stuck out to me because my coworkers ask me all the time "How do you stay so calm?" My answer is typically "This is a high priority, all hands on deck situation, but it is not life and death." It has made me better at handling fires because I don'the stress and thus has made me a better employee overall. Thank you for posting the good and the bad. I can relate to a lot of it. I too wish my husband could see the person I am becoming. I have no doubt your husband would be so proud of you.

I've been notified I have passed round one and will be receiving an invite to round 2 for next week!

Maureen, for me 30 minutes a day is too big of a commitment. When I am focused on sifting through the crazy amount of stuff Joe left behind I have to give myself days off or between doing it because the task is just so damn exhausting. You of course know your limits better than I ever could, but I felt I would be remiss if I didn't say maybe some consideration of that commitment could be warranted. Either way, wishing you well this summer. As always, you've got this and all of us are here for you along the way.

Thank you. It went....okay. I feel good about my chances of getting past the first round to the second interview, but they really put me through the ringer! Hopefully I will find out if a second interview is happening on Friday.

I have been busting my butt these last few months at work because my new boss wanted to create a position that played to all of my strengths and I wanted to make sure he knew those were my strengths. The creation of the position was finally approved and posted for applicants last week. Today is my interview. If I do well, there is a second interview next week. I am very excited but also very nervous. I'm accepting any good vibes anyone can spare.

What wonderful news. Congrats, auntie!

AubreeAnn, I have been there. I used to fantasize about the different ways I could just be taken out. The first bit of excitement I had after my husband passed was when there was the ebola scare. But, obviously ebola didn't get me nor did a random meteor from the sky. This will likely be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you can do it. Focus on taking care of yourself, even though it may be the last thing you want to do. We are here.

LTSL, I am sorry you are feeling that way. We strive to make this a safe place for everyone of all viewpoints. On occassion, we have a thread like this one where there are strong viewpoints. We come from various backgrounds, experiences etc so at times we will not all agree. Sometimes we will vehemently disagree. But, if you would, please focus on those that you find comfort from rather than those you do not. One thing while reading this thread I have seen is that every person in it is coming from a place that they feel is helpful and well intentioned. It may feel to some that this isn't true, but I assure you that it is, even when it comes in the form of brashness. It doesn't mean you need to agree with everyone's tactics (I know I sometimes don't!) or even like the people on the other side of the keyboard, but I do want you to remember that all of us here, every single one of us, is rooting for you to survive this and find a way thrive. That's a whole lot of goodness to have here, isn't it?

I've been reading this thread and have considered saying something several times but was concerned anything I would say would upset someone so let me begin by saying that is not my intention and I have much genuine love and respect for all. All perspectives, experiences, and journeys should be welcome here. I will freely admit that forcing myself towards positive thinking bit by bit as I processed my loss was essential to my healing. And by that sentence, I mean ME. The struggle to do this has been immense. This is my story, not a roadmap to follow or a judgement of those with a different story. When I watched Joe have the first and only seizure of his life, hearing him scream, trying to help him as he thrashed in pain and landed punch after punch to my body, I thought that would be the most difficult thing I had ever done. When the doctor at the hospital told me he was dead, I thought that living that experience was the most difficult thing I had done. Those things affected me deeply and have left me with panic, uncertainty, fear, and profound sadness, but they were not the most difficult thing I have ever done. They were the most difficult things I have ever experienced. Instead, I would say finding a reason to keep going while existing in the deepest pits of despair is by far the most difficult thing I have done. At first, there was no reason whatsoever to want to go on. I didn't have children to take care of to stop me going off the deep end. Even today, I cannot tell you with absolute certainty why in those early days I didn't just end it all. I wanted it to end more than anything, even more than having him back, which in hindsight while understandable feels like a twisted thought. I thought a lot about what would happen if the roles were reversed and he was the one left behind. He had issues with depression and stress so I felt like there was a good chance he would end it for himself (he had said as much a few times), and that thought filled me with so much sadness I knew I couldn't do that to him. So, the way I saw it, I had two choices- find a reason to want to live again or allow myself to wither away over the years and die. I knew he would want me to do the first option, so that is what I set out to do. I started counseling at 11 days out. I kept attending counseling for a year. At first I went every week, then every two weeks, then every month. It helped me immensely. I joined this community. I remember when I first found all of you feeling like I had found my tribe, even though I had trouble even acknowledging I was a widow. I read and read and read. The dark places my mind went were the same places other people's minds went. Thank God. And I read a lot from the people that picked up the pieces of their broken lives and built a positive future. It WAS possible, and just knowing that gave me a small spark that somehow I could figure out a way to not always feel so overwhelmed with despair. At my counselor's suggestion, I wrote down one positive thing that had happened every single day, much like the 3 Good Things thread we have in General Discussion. At first, the good thing of the day was pretty lame. It would be something like "My dog chased her tail and that was cute." It felt so futile, but I kept doing it despite some days just the idea of doing the exercise was daunting. As time went by, it was easier to think of something good that had happened. My mindset slowly but surely was shifting. I also made a conscious decision to say and write the sentence "I will get through this somehow." Sometimes it would be said to myself in the fetal position with words punctuated by sobs, but I still did it. I feel like something it is hard for people to understand is that although I did my best to adopt a positive mindset, it did not mean that I did not struggle. It was three months before I could even try to sleep in the bed we shared. I worked partial days from home for the first 6 weeks that I returned to work. I left the house so seldom, my puppy had a Pavlovian response to me putting pants on because that meant I was leaving and when I left the house, it meant she was getting a treat. I didn't have the energy to do laundry so it piled up and I just would order new underwear from Amazon. I probably had 75 pairs of underwear at one point. People stopped calling and stopped checking on me. Offers to help evaporated. I was alone. It was during this time I realized that I was indeed dead already. I had died just after midnight on July 26th, 2014 when my husband was pronounced dead. Who I was was gone and I had been trying to live as though I was still her and that all I had to do was face my grief, work through it, and find her again. I realized that she would never be back, just like Joe would never be back. So in reality, I had been offered a blank slate. How did I want to fill it? If I can't be the me I have always known, then who should I be? I decided I wanted to be kind, less prone to anger, more giving of myself, patient, and adventurous. I wanted to take chances and follow my heart wherever it lead me. I pictured some day being able to see Joe again and how he would want stories of all the adventures I had, and I couldn't have these adventures from my sad spot on the couch. This revelation propelled me forward. I know that some people view grief as a monster trying to claw them down into the pits of despair. I have always viewed it as a companion. At times, as we walk together, it grabs me by the arm and has me sit with it a while, sometimes days or weeks. Sometimes it slows my pace. Sometimes, I appear to be walking normally among those that do not have this sort of loss to process and they are not even aware of my companion. The thing is, no amount of positive thinking will ever dispatch that companion from where it came. Even when others don't see it, I know it is always still there. I have shared all of that to say for me, fighting tooth and nail to find a positive outlook was the right path. It may not be the right path for others, but it also should not be construed as not struggling as much or worse yet, avoiding grief in the first place. Sharing these stories and outlooks should also not be viewed as an attack or an insult to people that walk a different path. As humans in general, we understand our own experiences and view the world through a specific lens. It is hard to really understand why someone is on one path or another when it doesn't match the one we have for ourselves. Not understanding it is fine, but it is also important not to view our own paths as the cookie cutter solution. If things were really so simple, we'd have no need for forums such as this in the first place.

Hi AubreeAnn, I am glad you found us but so sorry you had reason to look. I can really relate to what you said because I went through something similar in the first month or two. I couldn't remember or be sure that he knew I loved him. I kept trying to remember good things I had done to show him and I couldn't remember anything. The good news is that these memories come back over time and can even be incredibly vivid. Right now, your brain is trying to protect you from trauma, which can cause these doubts and regret. I assure you that the fact you wonder if you did these things enough makes me sure you made him feel loved deeply. Hang in there.

I do not have children, but he has a daughter. I choose myself as lower priority so she is confident in their relationship and that I am an addition to the family and not a threat, but honestly there is seldom conflict in that area. It works for us, but I imagine there are other opinions out there.

No harm done at all, Tatianakm. Promise.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. I figured people here would get it, even if I started the day not wanting to check the forum at all because I figured there would be a lot of Mother's Day threads that just twisted the knife in my heart. There was and they did, but I am glad I changed my mind and decided to air my pain since I'm clearly not all alone in it. I am sorry anyone shares it, but thankful we're in it together. Childless widows are a largely silent minority on this board, but for me there is something unique to the experience of being childless. We lost our entire chosen family. While I know that raising a child or children alone while grieving is a near impossible task at times, this is not the part of the board where such qualifying statements are necessary. It is nearly impossible to find a reason to keep going when all of the life is sucked from your home. No comfort of any other human. It's just you and it sucks. We stand apart because we found our reasons on our own to carry on. That deserves to be celebrated, too. Today is a better day.

Add me to weepy pile. I've also got a lot of changes and challenges in multiple facets of life, but part of me is just hit with what was and will never be. It doesn't diminish my excitement, but it is just as present and in the forefront as my excitement is lately.

I hate Mother's Day. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. About four years ago, I had a miscarriage 3 days before Mother's Day. It was a hard time for my husband and I and we never got to the point where we felt emotionally recovered enough to try again. Then he died. Mother's day is the day I mourn for the family I was supposed to have, so I thought, but wasn't meant to be. Instead I lost it all. I hate Mother's Day.

Jen, do not ever be ashamed you are struggling. It implies that you have a preconceived idea of how you should be doing. There is no such bar set for you or anyone. How you are doing is how you are doing. No shame in it. That said, it feels like there is a way you want to be doing and maybe are feeling down that you are not there yet? You are in good company in that sentiment as I would wager a majority of us here are in that camp. I know one thing I am looking forward to is giving you a real life hug in a few weeks when we pass through your city!