Jess

Hi Scotty77, so sorry for the sudden loss of your wife. My husband was 34 when he passed suddenly with no warning. It is like being plucked out of your life into a parallel dimension. The house is the same, everyone else is still there, but the one person that was home is gone. At this point, just look out for your basic needs like water, sleep, and eating. Everyone is here to listen to anything you need to say.

The date everyone should be there is the 21st, but Justin and I will going the 21st-23rd because, well, Disneyland!

Ditto.

TS, while I haven't made a career change I can vouch for taking a running leap into the deep end of the pool. One thing I have learned is that I am all about calculated risks and my life is better for it. Honestly, this is a big change, not a big risk, despite what you have invested in your current career. You are not talking about quitting your job with no back up plan. You are talking about having a new plan altogether. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't, but if you go for it you won't waste your time wondering about the path not taken in favor of something secure that you know for sure you don't want to do long term. Go for it, lady. Search out happiness.

Thank you for all your kind words. I miss her a lot and can't believe she is gone. I am doing okay, just so sad missing her.

I am so heartbroken. It was very sudden. One minute she was barking because I was home and the next minute she was unresponsive. She is the first pet my husband and I had together that has died since he died, and it feels like a piece of him that he left behind has left me and joined him. It just plain sucks.

Okay out of towners getting a hotel, anyone booked yet and staying somewhere specific?

Awesome! I hope you can join us!

Hi Chrissy. What a wonderful, kind soul Ryan was. I am so sorry for your loss and what you must have to had to experienced. How are you holding up?

Do not get caught up in what other people tell you about how your grief experience will be. It is common that around 6-9 months it gets rougher for a lot of people, but you do not want to have a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, know it is a possibility and be prepared that if it does happen to you, it doesn't mean you are backsliding or that life is getting worse. It just is the phase of grief you are surviving. Every step of this journey is so hard is so many ways. No matter what happens, I promise you that you can get through it. I did and so did so many others here. You can do it. We are all here. Just keep talking.

Hi Meg. I am so glad you found us so early but so sorry you needed to. I stumbled across this community in its former home when I was a few days out and my account was activated at 11 days. It is hard to remember much of those early days due to the fog of shock and for that I am grateful. I remember though how long every minute felt and that I had to struggle to allow time to pass. I remember feeling rudderless, hopeless, and scared. My husband was my everything and how does one go on without that? I was an empty shell. The truest thing I can tell you is that you can absolutely survive this, even when it feels at best improbable and at worst impossible. You can do this by putting one foot in front of the other each day and sometimes just standing still. A member had a signature line that inspired me quite a bit and if I wasn't such a mess in those days to remember who it was I would thank her for giving me a watershed moment with her words, but to paraphrase it was something like "I can't let his legacy be that his death destroyed me. I need to honor him by keeping on." I live my life by those words and that impact is the sort of thing you can find here. We are all with you and rooting for you.

Welcome NicY. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband suddenly as well and just wrapping your mind around it is so hard. The hard truth of the matter is that you aptly described this experience as a rollercoaster. It is ups and downs, triumphs and heartbreaking despair. And at times the grief will likely crash down on you. After the fog of the first few weeks, I had the moments of light you described. I felt like I could do it. Then, at about three months out I had the worst day since the beginning of it. I couldn't stop crying and felt so alone, hopeless, and in a dark place no light could possible penetrate. I think it was that much more disconcerting because I had been pushing myself so hard to keep moving forward so I really didn't expect such an extreme backslide. I pulled through it with the help of the connections I made with this community. Now, I have the perspective to see it wasn't a backslide at all. Days like that where the pain demands to be felt are all part of feeling what we need to in order to somehow process the impossible. Those days are scary as hell, but for a lot of us they have to happen. I am now about 21 months out. Hard days still happen and tears still spring up unexpectedly. Just last week I took a mental break at work and looked at Facebook. A friend posted a pic of my late husband and I found myself crying at my desk despite feeling like I have fought my way to a really good place. My point in all of this is do not take continuing to grieve or having it sneak up on you as an indication that you are not progressing. It is all part of it and you can make it through it, despite how impossible it may feel at times. We're all here for you.

This makes me so damn happy to read! Wonderful!

I think your answer depends on a few things, really. First, are you 100% sure you will be sharing the home? By sharing the home, I mean sharing ownership of it and all the things that come along with that- name on the mortgage/deed, paying into the home, etc. In my case, I when I moved to the new place last summer I was 100% sure that we would be sharing what is now my home, but soon will be our home. As such, it felt natural to me to include him in my decisions as to what the home would be like. I was very resolute that despite being so sure, I would still only invest my money in the home for the down payment, closing costs, and mortgages. After all, you never know what tomorrow may bring. All that said, he did wear me down and supply me with a washer and dryer. If you are not 100% sure, then I see no issue with doing exactly what you want now. If you are, then it may warrant a conversation with him. How urgently are the renovations needed? Is having them undone negatively impacting your quality of life (either through inconvenience or emotionally just being sick of having things not done)? How major are the renovations and will they be a huge investment? In my case, while it is an older home, it isn't really a fixer upper so it was probably a lot easier for me to include him in those decisions as they were largely surface changes that were cosmetic versus structural. Those kind of changes are easily changed again to incorporate shared taste and if that is what you are looking at, then go nuts and don't think twice about it. If the changes are bigger and costly, then perhaps talking about the changes you are considering would let you know if it is a big deal or not? I know my situation is different because I bought knowing at the time the home would be shared whereas you had ideas of your own you are looking forward to having. It's a different mindset from the get go so my method of handling things is obviously different because I have always been making our home together (1800 miles apart). I think that anyone worth sharing your home with is someone that will recognize that you have a dream for this place you own and would be supportive of you getting what you want out of it. Tons of rambling boils down to maybe just discuss it with him and let him know there are things you planned to do when you bought the place and you still want to do them. See what he says.

I was 35 when my husband died completely unexpectedly. It was a mundane day and there was no hint of what was to come. It is such an impossible thing to wrap your head around. I still have trouble really accepting it some days despite all of the crazy changes my life has undergone. My dad stayed with me for a few weeks and when he left, I was terrified because I was going to be alone. But, this community was here for me and although it was so hard, no one here let me feel like I was in it by myself. I hope it can do the same for you. Keep talking even when you have no idea what to say.

I'm so sorry, DW. We're here for you.

Just finished a 2 week visit (1 week in Kentucky and 1 week in AZ). Felt the need to remind myself on a rough day that there are now just 49 days left. Cannot wait to be done with this LDR crap!

I call those those the unbearable "little goodbyes", which feel so unfair when you have already dealt with one big goodbye. It just gets harder as time goes by and my patience with having a LDR wears out. We have two weeks together and are partway through week 2. Already, I feel myself getting sad to say bye on Saturday. So sick of it. So I just wanted to say that I get the rant. I live that rant. And I hate it, too. I know I have a planned end game to stop the insanity that is rapidly approaching and that helps a bit. I do honestly feel like you both will get this figured out soon, too. It's time for it to come together for you guys. Until then- solidarity, friend.

I also agree, Jen. If you want it, bring it up... as it were.

Giving you one of your many patented tight hugs you have offered me. May your day have as many smiles at warm memories you can muster. Thinking of you.

Yes, the grocery store was impossible for me. I still hate it and put it off far too much. I had the realization at one point that I couldn'the even remember what I like to eat. It was always what we liked to eat and eating those things just made me sad.

jenghes, I am so glad you found us but so incredibly sorry you needed to. I am hoping the support from all of us, but especially those that have walked in your shoes can help you. We are here to support you. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

Tatianakm, my heart breaks for you. I did not have children, but my husband also passed suddenly from a seizure that resulted in cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They couldn't bring him back. In an instant, my entire life as I knew it, everything I knew to be true, was just gone. How do you pick up the pieces from that? The truth is, you will find a way. Things will not look like you expected or wanted, but you can do this. Like Trying said, we have had other members with young babies or even pregnant when they were widowed. You are not alone in this. Just keep trying to take care of yourself- eat, drink water, sleep. You can do this and we are here to listen to you and support you however you however you need.

Welcome Katy and Kater. I am so sorry you have reason to be here but so glad you have found us. You are now a part of our community, which has a price of membership that is far too high, but under these circumstances is such a gift to me. It is hard for me to really remember my life when so little time had passed. Most of it is blocked from the fog of shock that SVS mentioned. For that I am grateful because I do know the immense pain and confusion I had to somehow navigate through as I tried to also do mundane things like work, clean (well, not so much on the cleaning bit), eat and drink. I'm now almost 20 months out and to be honest, it still hurts. It always will, but I am better at living with it. Hang in there. We are here to support you.

It says you should move to Arizona where we don't have daylight savings time... rebels.