Jess

Happy holidays to you as well. I am glad we all found each other.

Like a few in this thread, this is also my second Christmas. It feels not as devastating as last year did, but a lot of memories have been coming back about our holidays together and how much I loved surprising him. I guess the best words are melancholy and reflective. We always said we would exchange gifts Christmas morning but I would always get so excited to give him his presents I'd get him to open just one Christmas Eve, which then turned into no self control at all and me getting him to open everything Christmas Eve. There we would sit in a pile of crumpled up wrapping paper and he'd say to me "Now look what you did!" and would laugh. I loved it and I miss it. He had such a fun sense of whimsy.

Sending positive thoughts for you, Carey!

1. To echo others, wonderful to see you Helen and this thread bumped. I hope things get better soon. 2. All presents are wrapped as of this afternoon but not under the tree because the puppy would most certainly eat them! 3. It is feeling a little bit like Christmas and that is actually a good thing!

This may be of interest to you: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1578.0.html

Phoenix area in Arizona.

I never understood the whole living apart as married people myself... and then I was widowed and not only did the rules change, a lot of them just went away altogether. A lot of those rules revolve around love and priorities. Like Mizpah said, there are more "what if" scenarios than there were before because we have lived the worst case scenario. Due to Justin having DD still in school, it is going to be while before the move happens. So, not only am I open to getting married while still living apart, that is our plan. That said, it is also our plan to be living together by June, but we obviously will have several months when we are married and living apart. It may not work for some, but it works for us. I guess the bottom line is throw out the rules and do what makes you happy whether it is choosing to marry or not, living together or not. I used to spend way too much time formulating opinions on matters that were outside of my experience and probably still do, but I'm working on it and have a greater appreciation for people that choose something unexpected that is a better fit for their own lives than to find a way to make their lives fit the expectation and worn path (which works for a lot of people wonderfully, just not everyone).

Hi all, Since this one had to do more with committed relationships, it's been moved to Relationships/Remarriage. [iurl]http://widda.org/index.php?topic=1802.0[/iurl]

It went great. Everyone was very welcoming and including him in conversation throughout the night. Couldn't ask for anything more. The party itself was a really good time, too!

Mark your calendars as this is a Saturday with actual plans! The annual work holiday party is tonight and my special guest flew in to attend with me. I've got butterflies over taking this step with being public , but I tell myself it will be a great night. We shall see...

Something I have come to realize is that a lot of my progress is dependent on knowing when to know what my heart is saying, know what my mind is saying, and to choose which one I should be listening to. The problem is the third part of that- knowing which is actually right and blocking out the other. It feels like depending on the circumstance, either could be right for any situation. A couple personal examples: What happened: Joe said a couple weeks before he died he was concerned about his health. I said "Do you need to see a doctor?" and he said "No." I dropped it. He died. What my heart says: I should have forced him to go to the doctor. What kind of crappy wife lets her husband not go to the doctor when he is expressing concern? I could have saved him. What my mind says: Thousands of those identical discussions happen between spouses every day and no one dies. Even if I had forced a grown adult to make the right decision and go to the doctor, there is no guarantee we would still be alive. Life cannot be lived holding myself accountable for what I know in hindsight. Determination: My mind is right, but my heart won't shut up about it. Oh guilt, I know I shouldn't have you, but I do. What happened: I developed feelings for someone very early out. What my heart said: I really like him, grab onto to happiness and see what happens. I still have a life to live. What my mind said: Are you insane? This is way too soon. Avoid it. Determination: I listened to my heart and have a wonderful person sharing my life now. I feel like I see a lot of people here struggle with this same battle on so many different facets of widowhood. I notice that I gravitate towards choosing whichever side of each issue will make me happiest and will result in the least amount of regret, but is that necessarily the right litmus test? I don't know. Just talking out loud a bit this morning about some things I've been thinking about.

(((Jen))) You know this is a safe place to say anything at all, whether you feel you are whining or not. We are an non-exhaustible resource for support. To be around, you don't need to have something to give, sometimes giving someone else a chance to give back support to you is important, too. I'm not going to pollyanna all over your thread, but I will say that you have have come such a long freaking way from when I first met you on these boards. You are too close to it to see it, but I think that is true of all of us when we struggle- that we can't see our own progress. However, coming a long way is not enough when you feel so down and I know that, especially when it feels like backward steps are happening. So, to that I simply want to say you have all of our love and support. We genuinely care about you because we see your worth. Screw anyone that doesn't and talks you into losing sight of it yourself. As for your mother, a screaming match sucks, but it sounds like she had it coming.

I really do need to work on lists as I go, but I just fail at it. Maybe the app will help. I just detest having to do it alone. Typically Joe went or we went together. It was never my thing. Sigh.

I fear I have lost the ability to effectively grocery shop for myself any more. I go to make a list and I blank. So then I go to the store and end up coming home with random things. I hate cooking for one. I detest not having someone to share responsibilities with. I am so tired of adulting!

This is really inspiring me to want to decorate as well. Living alone, I didn't see much point last year and was really just willing the holidays away. Maybe it is time to reclaim Christmas for me.

It's a tough one, for sure so I am not sure how good my advice will be, but here are my thoughts. I think reiterating how much you care for her and thus would never try to put her in the position of being anywhere that her presence would be considered inappropriate may help... that anywhere she is with you is 100% appropriate because of your feelings for her. I think that one thing new relationships do is help us feel like we have a stake in our own lives, and making us feel alive is something never to feel guilty about. I think pointing out all the specific good she does for you versus the weight of the opinion of one idiot could help.

KeepTrying, TooSoon said much of what I was already thinking. To add some of my own thoughts, there is no standard way or method to "deal with it". Your marriage and bond was unique to you and your husband, therefore your grief journey is also going to be unique. I think the reason why some people thought offense was taken to the statement is because whoever said that to you is inferring you are doing something wrong and somehow need to do better at processing your grief. In my opinion, whether we are devoting hours to thinking about our grief or not, we are dealing with it every second of every day like donswife said. We get up in the morning and there is no one to split morning responsibilities. We are the only ones to to pay the bills, fix things that break, and in your case take care of your children. The loss is in our face every single second of every day, whether we allow our minds to linger on the unfairness of it or we shed tears or not. We deal with that reality by continuing to move forward and, like your handle says, keep trying. I wish there was some sort of standard method to working through the pain of loss, but there just isn't. So we learn to live with it and live with ourselves as the ones left behind. For me, my goal is happiness. Having looked back on our marriage, that was always the theme of his actions and words- that he wants me to be happy. So, that is what my focus is- levels of success varying at times.

Ugh, this really upsets me that someone would say such a thing to her. Honestly, how dare that woman? People are always going to judge, there's no stopping it, whether that judgement is that something is good, bad, or indifferent. People with an ounce of decency will know enough to keep their damn mouths shut is they are judging something as bad- especially if they have not experienced this kind of loss themselves. Obviously this chick has a such a high opinion of her own thoughts that she doesn't see the need to filter herself, no matter how it may make others feel. You should be pissed off about how this affected your new girl, but the woman that caused the pain is not even worth a second of your consideration. She is a self- unaware baboon's ass. On a personal note, next week I am bringing my new guy to my work's annual holiday party. I fully expect to be judged, but if one single person pulls that crap... oh man.

Within 2.5 months of my husband passing, I had his birthday, my birthday, and our anniversary to contend with. Awful, awful stuff. But, I made it through and now unbelievably to me at least I have made it through all three twice. You can do this. Just live the day how you need to. It is so beautiful that his last words were "I love you". My husband died suddenly of a seizure and the last coherent words he said were "I love you. Goodnight." It brings me a lot of comfort and I hope your husband's last words also bring you that same kind of comfort. Hang in there.

Welcome JoesKathy. I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard for me to remember being just over a week out. It is now such a fogged blur, which I consider a blessing now. Just keep tackling things minute by minute, hour by hour. We are here for you.

Hello Koryn78, I am so glad you found us but so sorry you needed to look. When you said "what did we do so wrong?" it struck a chord with me. I spent so much time wondering that about myself as well. We tried to live good lives so why was this his fate? I can understand how two tragedies would really make you wonder that, but I believe the answer to that question for you is the same as it was for me- nothing was done wrong. I also couldn't stand it when people called me strong. What was strong about being too exhausted to feed myself? What was strong about being too sad to sleep in my own bed and remaining on the couch for months? What was so strong about thinking it wouldn't be so bad if a meteor feel from the sky and crashed into my house ending it all? Nothing. People that use that phrase mean well, they really do, but sometimes it feels like it glosses over the struggle of existence in grief. That said, you absolutely can keep on surviving, even when the reasons for doing so get muddled. We are all still here and doing this together. Yes, it is an admission price that is far too steep to join this club, but this group of amazing people are such a wonderful support. I hope you find this to be a safe place.

Welcome Mlb34u. I am so very sorry for your loss. At first, I hated the term widow, too. The first time I went to actually say it out loud, it stuck on my tongue like poison. It is an awful thing to be, but at 16 months out I understand it is part of who I am. This community has been amazing for me because the times I felt alone they were right there with me living this nightmare, too. The more I got to know people, the more I realized they are some of the last people I'd ever want this to happen to. I am wishing you and your daughter peace and comfort.

Thank you for your supportive words. It means a lot. I am feeling a bit more like "me" this morning, which is good. I am so excited and humbled by his honor, but it is just a minefield of emotions. LH's sister is going to join me for the ceremony and for a weekend of sightseeing. It will be good for us to spend some time together. With her living in PA we talk, but obviously do not get to see each other. I think this will be really good for both of us. I expect there may be some meltdowns to come, but hopefully I will continue to weather them and make it through to the other side. Thank you all again.

Welcome sakeraki. I'm so sorry you have to be here, but I hope you find the comfort and support I have found with this wonderful group of people. I lost my husband unexpectedly in July 2014. In many ways, I still am looking for that direction, but bit by bit it has started to reveal itself and with time, I hope it will for you as well. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

I got some amazingly awesome news about a posthumous honor LH is receiving. The National Center of Missing and Exploited children is placing a plaque for my husband in their Hall of Heroes for his work fighting against child pornography. I knew that the idea was out there, but I had dismissed it as one of those things that would be nice but would never actually happen. I received an email at work on Thursday letting me know my company had been trying to come up with some way of saying thank you for my work testifying in court for a huge trial and nothing seemed right until they found out about this. Thus, I will be heading to DC all expenses paid to attend the ceremony and get a tour of NCMEC in January. They are also having me stay a few more days to go sightseeing on them. When I read the email at work, I burst into tears. Luckily, we had a work event that week so only one other person was in the room with me and she handled my breakdown amazingly. Since then, I've been about 2 seconds from crying or actually crying pretty much constantly. I can analyze or over-analyze the reasons for why such good news has impacted me so strongly, but it doesn't help put myself back together to a functioning level again. I am crazy proud of him and hope there is somehow he knows, but damn this is an honor he would have earned after a long career of helping so many that needed it, not a year and a half after his sudden death at 34. It just has brought so much to the surface and I'm just trying to tread through it.