Jess

I think this is a struggle most of us face. I know I do. I used to be a wife to man that needed me. When he died, that was gone. So what is my new role? What am I supposed to do? I'd be lying if I said I have that figured out. I don't. But things have become clearer as time has passed and I suppose as it continues to pass it will continue to come even more into focus. I guess no real advice, just wanted to say I get it.

Hi ssdad, I am glad you are finding this community you are now a part of helpful. It has helped me a lot in feeling not so alone in this journey. No one can know my particular brand of pain, but having people that can relate is such a gift in a time when everything was taken away. Keep posting and sharing. We're all in this together.

I also second what Trying said. On a person note, I didn't have to put up with another service, but I did have to deal with the MIL talking about what a terrible job I did with my husband's funeral. She was the only one that didn't say how appropriate of a way it was to honor my husband. I never knew the version of my husband she seemed to be grieving.

July works far better for me than May or June. Despite the crazy heat we will probably endure, I'm in!

Alternated between couch vegging and cleaning. All is done but toilets and laundry, but figured why not save some sexy housework for tomorrow.

I lost all of my trust in the future when my husband died without warning. For me, I am much more focused on my now. I do have plans for the future that I am excited about, but even just last night I was reduced to tears thinking about all the things that could happen to stop those plans from happening. We all know she meant well, but I think she just missed the fact that when your future you trusted has been ripped away once, it becomes like that saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I think it is hard to understand that aspect of widowhood if you are not standing in those shoes every day.

As much as it hurts and as much as I wish you didn't have to, you will make it through this day. When I was earlier out and facing so many of these terrible firsts, someone told me something that was so simple but resonated with me so I will tell it to you and hope it helps, too. This is the only time you will ever have to spend your first anniversary without her here with you. Once the day is done, you are through it and will never have to face that first again. For this day, let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Tears are okay, sadness is okay, even smiling or laughing are okay. There is no right or wrong way other than self harm. Thinking of you and wishing you comfort.

I did it with a lot of tears. What would have been my eighth wedding anniversary happened when I was about 2.5 months out. It honestly is now a blur. I know that my brother and his wife took me out for a casual dinner, but I can't even remember if I went to work that day or not. I do remember that it was the last day I wore my wedding ring because it felt right for me personally to take it off. I hope you get through it the best you can.

Glad to see this thread getting some love. I have been living on pb+j lately and the insanity must stop!

Sending you positive thoughts that things get better soon.

Welcome meganj. I am so very sorry for your loss of Eric. We have had a few members that were pregnant when their husbands passed, so you are sadly not alone in such a difficult circumstance. I think it is beautiful you named your daughter Erica. I think she will grow up proud to have been named after such an obviously great guy.

Hi Karin, thank you for sharing that story. Thinking about things that made me smile really helped me in the early days. Heck, it still does help. I know the feeling of sort of having two sadaversary dates. My husband's seizure started around 11:45pm. He was declared dead at the hospital after they gave up on him at 12:55 am. So in the beginning for me it was both Friday nights and then all of Saturday that was the really tough time for me. I'd watch the minutes tick by and go over everything in my head that had been happening in that moment. Eventually, Fridays and Saturdays lost their dread. It took a while, but now I am happy when Friday rolls around and it means the weekend is here. Keep sharing as much as you want to or need to. This group of people made sure I was never truly alone and I hope we all can do the same for you.

Hello stuckwonderingwhy. I am glad you were directed our way. I am so very sorry for your loss. A lot of what you said really struck a cord with me. I was 35 when my husband died suddenly last year. We were together for ten years at the time and married a couple months shy of 8 years. Kids never happened for us either, despite wanting it to happen. In short, we didn't have enough time and I was in the insane position of becoming that poor friend of a friend whose tragic story makes you equally sad and relieved it isn't you. Around 6 or 7 months out, I too looked around and saw most of my support had moved on with their lives. It is a lonely feeling and this group of people helped me immensely as the shock wore off and I started really processing my new reality. I hope you find this same sort of support here.

Hi br0peth, I am so glad you found us, but so sorry you had to look. My husband also had a seizure when he had never had one before. I tried my best to help until the ambulance came, but felt like I didn't do enough because of how he was punching and kicking. He was breathing when the ambulance came, but went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance and they couldn't bring him back. It was baffling. I too have torn apart every second I can remember for signs I may have missed or ways I could have done better and maybe saved him. At fifteen months out, I do this less but every now and then I still play a sick game of what if. I thought there was no way I could possibly move forward with my life. I didn't know how I would go back to work, pay my bills, or find anything to be happy about. Yet, I have managed all of those things. You will too, but those are thoughts and feelings for later. For now, it is all about the basic needs- drinking water, trying to eat, and sleeping when you can. I want to assure you that when you type here, someone is always listening. Unfortunately, we do get it and are all in this together. Keep sharing as you want or need to.

Hello Frostedglass and Jacci. Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry for both of your losses. Frostedglass, I also lost my husband suddenly last year. The quote about watching your life through a glass window resonates with me as well. I've been working on transitioning back to the other side of the glass, but it is not always easy. I hope you were able to weather the one year mark as best you and your kids could. This journey is so very tough. Jacci, it always warms my heart to see wids with wonderful support networks. It sounds like you've got your hands full with those three boys and that you are helping them process their grief in a healthy way, which can't be an easy feat!

Beautiful, SVS. Thank you for sharing this. I hope things get better for you soon.

I was at three months and every logical bone in my body said "This is way too soon! What are you thinking??" Yet, my heart said something else and was really adamant about it. Yesterday was one year since he said "I feel like I feel more than we are just friends" and we are still going strong. Like Trying, I did a lot of soul searching to make sure this relationship wasn't just a band aid for my grief. Although my relationship is with a widower and we get it that sometimes, despite our happiness with each other, the loss we are still processing is going to overwhelm us, others have entered into relationships early with non-wids and have had successful relationships. For my relationship to work, I had to give my self permission to feel both loss and love. Maybe you need to give yourself permission as well? Also, Trying needs to make a t-shirt and hand it out to people that says "A new relationship should never make you feel like you to "be over it" already." I cannot think of a way to say it any better.

I hope you feel better soon. The first time I got really sick after my husband passed I realized how helpless I really was. I was too sick to drive myself to the doctor or deal with a pharmacy, too sick to get over the counter medicine, and so alone. It is a horrible experience. I guess all I can offer is I made it through.

Having a meh day. Stupid feelings. Pretty much doing nothing. Meh. Did I mention meh?

When I moved, I chose not to unpack pictures of Joe. I plan to get a cabinet where I will put some of those pictures, his, urn, and other little things that were his. The one thing I do have out besides the urn is a framed drawing that an artist friend of ours drew after Joe's passing. There are times when I look at it and feel good, but there are other times when I just get ANGRY. That poor drawing has been cussed out, screamed at, flipped off, and even spoken to in a passive aggressive manner. I am angry I have to take the trash out. I am angry I can never get my coffee as good as he did. I am angry I am always the one to clean up after the dogs. I am mad that when there is a nasty creepy crawly in the house that I have to kill it. I am angry that because of him, some people still look at me like I have the plague. I am mad that I had to move from our house. I am mad I am one person with two cars. I am angry he left. This widow crap is confusing sometimes.

Phil, I am glad we are helping in at least a small way. Keep posting. We are all a testament that surviving this is possible. You can do this even though it may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but I so wish you didn't have to. Just know that how you feel is normal for completely abnormal circumstances.

For Disneyland, I do everything but Splash Mountain. California Adventure... I am more of a wuss, but Disneyland is my bag.

Mike, I am glad you made it through a really tough day. Every day is possible, but it doesn't mean it doesn't feel impossible at the time. Good job. Something I did when things got too overwhelming was writing down each task I had to do on a note card. When I'd feel restless or like I really needed to be doing something I'd take a note card out and do whatever the task was- be it calling the bank or utilities or some other task. I'd then move it to the done pile and put a check mark on it. If I felt up to another one, I'd do another. If not, I'd just put them away. Some people like lists but the list as a whole was too daunting for my broken brain. The note cards let me see only one thing at a time and just focus on that.

So sorry. I cannot imagine. I am glad to see you check in and hope you are holding up okay.

Kevin, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Jim. I had about 10 years with my husband, Joe. He too was full of life and always made me laugh. I have changed over the last 15 months. There is no way I couldn't because my life had changed in worst, most dramatic way possible and I had to adapt. But, something I have learned is these changes do not mean I am further from being the person that he loved, but rather I am changing in ways he would be proud of and would understand are needed to survive this new reality. I found this group of people very early out as well and I credit them with helping me process my grief in the healthiest way I could. I still credit them all with that because my journey is always ongoing. I hope you find this group of amazing people as helpful as I have. Take care of yourself the best you can and keep on sharing. We are here.