Ursula

very much in tune with what most of you say here. Yes, somehow the first year a survival trip, and there was an unspoken promise that things would get better once that was through. Unfortunately not so. Have come to realize that yes, this pain may turn into an ache, but it will be there forever. Brandished forever. Won't go away, e v e r. This is my life now. I am reduced to someone constantly on the edge of collapse , for minor things, things that should not get to me, but they do and big time. And knowing, that I cannot ever be the person I was before. That the positive surge I always felt in me, has gone. I have totally lost my red thread, that used to pull me through life (if you know what I mean, something like my will and want for life). Now? I have to raise our child, I cry every evening when he says good night to his papa, because I hate fate for taking him away from him and he is just a small child. I cannot think ahead into the future anymore, it suffocates me to think ahead more than a month. And yes, it is very lonely , incredibly and unsupportably lonely. Oh yes, after a year one should be about over it (I hear it, without people saying anything)... Hanging in there, just.

SVS, sending hugs to you. Sorry about the lousy circumstances of the hearing/trial. And let me say this, I am in awe of the way you talk about the hearing and why you do this. I am not surprised about your response to the physiotherapy. The holding of breath and tensing up. Our bodies respond to our mind/ souls. I go to back massage and last time I went after a break of a couple of weeks, it hurt so bad, because my whole back has turned so tense, it felt like I was turning into a turtle (which would be nice, imagine, just pull legs and head in and close the doors..). I have also realized that when actually relaxing at the end of a yoga class, I almost always cry. It is when the tension releases that it comes out. I have come to realize that my physical body is turning supertense to hold myself together and I have difficulties relaxing because when I do, I feel like falling apart. Hopefully the anxiety lessens for you. Looks like you are facing your fears every day when driving, which is probably therapeutic in itself ? Glad the wrist gets better. Wishing you the patience it takes to heal properly.

Sending hugs. Glad it felt good for you to go. Sorry it was extra difficult with the presence of another dead person. I'm glad for you that your friend John seems to be of the people who know what to do.

Oh dear, this is too much... Whaaaa, some people really do need a slap in their face....

Before it can get worse than this , it MUST get better. My two cents before I fall into bed tonight. Another day gone, some laughing some crying, some worrying. I wish that to all of us, that it gets better somehow

moncoeur, I remember you from the old board. I am sorry you feel so low. I have no advice but am so glad, some wonderful people above have written some very good stuff. I can only say, I have read into the book Mizpah recommends, 'why bad things happen to good people' and I really like it. It tackles some very fundamental questions. It's food for thought and inspirational. I haven't finished it yet (as most of the books I have started to read this year), but it has opened a window for me. Hang in there, know we are here, even if that is a small consolation , but we are. Wishing you healing.

problem is, people who say that kind of crap, have never been in this situation...otherwise they would not say it....hopefully...

Hello sj85 and welcome. This board is wonderful. It saved me from desperation many many lonely nights. I have just met a wonderful woman who was also not married when her partner died and she told me about some of the situations you describe. It is unfair and makes things worse. I am sorry society is so hung-up on the 'on paper' status. I am glad you decided to talk here. It helps, it is a relief to realize that one is not alone in this and that people from all parts of the world have time to listen and answer or send you a message of hope. We have to go through this to come out at the other end, or so , I believe.... I hope you find a way forward. We have a small son too, he just turned 3. I fight through this for him, because he deserves it. It must get better. Hugs to you.

I know, or at least I rationalize, that you very likely loved me the best you knew how. But because I didn't feel loved I now feel cheated. Nonesuch, that is beautifully said and you are very courageous. I am sorry for the pain you feel and felt. It is so difficult. It is complicated grief. I can relate to some of the things you said. It hurts and it always will hurt. I am learning to forgive and the more I really in my heart do forgive, the lighter this part of the burden gets. Just because we love with all our hearts does unfortunately not guarantee the same love in return.....'the best you knew how'...some people have never experienced caring, supporting love (whether it is a mother's or a lover's) and thus have no concept of it...oh, well what do I know...?? many hugs to you.

Deedee, hang in there. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and father to your children. It is so hard. I hope all goes well with the pregnancy and birth. Hang in there. Come here when you need to. I find this is the place where I feel I am actually understood and it has helped my many many times and keeps doing. Hugs to you.

Sandy, I am sorry you had a bad day after a good day. But your family sounds pretty amazing, I am glad you have the support you need. The way you described your family gathering is beautiful and will help you in this weird and horrible time. Crashes at the office happen to me all the time. Less frequently now, but they do. Colleagues at work also get used to it and you know soon whom you can bother and who may have a word of inspiration or a hug when you need it.

LostMyCharles, I wish I could say something useful. I can just say I know.. It feels like that. Sucks, all the bloody time. It does lighten with time, that I promise, even though pangs of pain return all the time. The only thing I can say for sure is , that you are not alone and that you can talk here where people genuinly understand. Sending you hugs.

Ladies Home Journal 1954? You crack me up Canadiangirl !!! But more so, the book of magical tips ! Clean the oven..... my ass....Maybe the booklet was written by a widow, having widowbrain who wanted to tell fellow widow something useful but wrote that instead ????.. clean the oven, can't get over it...how constructive.....

happens to me all the time. most of my widow-brain incidents I have forgotten too. I also have real blanks now, total memory gaps, loss of words, something I have never experienced in my life before. It's slightly worrying if it happens in class in front of the student when they ask a rather straightforward question... might just appear a bit demented...

'maybe stupid is just a word to express ones disagreement. But often the same people when questioned about this exact quote 'everything happens for a reason', have no broader idea of things at all and are offended when one does not accept their view of things as the universal truth....which again is a rather narrow minded approach to life in general I believe...

Grenada, dear, we have a spare bedroom!!!!

My widowbrain is so bad, everytime I have a true widowbrain moment, this thread comes to my mind and the next time I open WIDDA, I cannot even remember......lol

I can also cook you up something, just got some Pak choi, ginger, rice, garlic, soy sauce, couple of shrimps and the this and that to fry and ....here we go. your punch is coming, unless you would like something else!

Maureen, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I make you a fabulous fruity rum punch if you want. I toast to you, to your health above all and that joy finds its way back into your life somehow, some time. Big birthday hug. Where is the doggie, we can get something for her too, think there are some chewables somewhere here....

I want one too!!!

...weeks later... I hope you made it through those days ok. Wonderful quote...sums it all up... I am sorry you have still problems because of that accident. I hope it will be better soon. Glad you made it onto this new board too. I was late as well, but realised how much I missed it, as soon as I was back here. Hang in there, sending many hugs

Jen, sending a back-up hug and many more, to use when you need them!

Jen , I will be thinking of you today, tomorrow..... I am somewhere there right beside you. I wish I could do something bigger and better than that. I just hope you'll get through this next day ok (I know, f.. all is ok, but still, that is what I hope). I found the anticipation of the day worse than the day itself, but I can only say that now, afterwards. Hugs, Jen, keep going. Loads of love.

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard with (small) children. Our boy was short of turning two when A died in an accident. Our son remembers his dad, things he did and liked. He is very present in our lives because I put up pictures and we say goodnight to papa every night too. We talk about him. I do want his papa to be present in our lives even if he is not physically. I have an idea of making a papa-scrap book where I try and patch together his dad's history , how we met , when he was born, and put pictures with them together so he has something personal to keep. There are some videos I have and online of his papa, because he was a musician, so at least he can watch him later on in life... I get angry when people tell me that oh, these little children won't remember parents when they died when they are so young. I am sorry, but I see how he misses his dad and I know he will suffer not having him alive all his life. And it hurts. A lost his father when he was young and he missed him too. Always has. I hate life for doing that to our son. It is so cruel. But I try to keep him alive for both of us. We need that. There are the very painful moments when he throws himself on the floor and cries for his papa. Has happened twice so far. so nobody tell me they don't miss their parents. Our son is three now, and he is very grounded otherwise. I try to be stable for him, which I don't always manage, but most of the time I do. I know that the most important in our son's life is that I am there for him and have all the love I have in my heart for him, which I do and therefore I know we can do it. Good luck to you. I am here if you want to talk more.