Ursula

Yep, hair dropping from the head, incessantly growing in all other places where you don't want it but alas. Yes, min hair loss is definitively stress related, I had it before. Aging loads in no time? Yes, me too. Looking horrible on most photographs you get to see of yourself? Yes me for sure. Let's do a 'grow hair grow- dance' , maybe that helps next to the healthy diet and vitamin supplements?

Michael, I invited A to appear many times, but ....nothing. I expect he will appear when/if ever I am in bed with another man, that is just the type of guy he was- and I know I will talk to him and tell him to come back another time.... and that will be the end of the other guy.....I guess.... yes, I have definitively weird thoughts....

A is buried in his country which involves and overseas flight from Europe and a day-trip per airplane from here. I was at his grave the day they shoved him into this niche. It was horrible. I don't want to go back there but will have to at some point before they remove him to 'free up space' . Yep, that is the way it works in some countries. So I am actually considering building a proper grave for him, so at least our boy can go and visit whenever he wants in his life. They don't bury people there, there are niches or sarcophages or whatever you want to call it. His family won't get it together so I will have to. If possible I would like to 'move' him next to his father, who also died young. I feel that he wanted to rest in his country because he felt out of place everywhere else. But I will never know. May lightning strike me if I was wrong but I believe that is what he wanted. He is still there, embalmed and all but he has left his body long ago, so I am planning of planting a memorial stone where the accident happened. Not that he is there but to have something remembering him. Another place to visit. I used to go every month to where we found him, but I broke down every time and have not been back in months. I will go before we leave. Kamcho, I wish I could have your sense of humour!! May they all rest (or be busy??) in peace

Really glad to hear that Iron Bear, I hope it keeps lifting- take good care of yourself

I had a friend tell me about 10 days after A died that it was probably meant to be like that by destiny, that we would meet, have a son and then we would be separated (...) .........I thought I would have to faint and I told her how bloody insensitive that was. She then was miffed and would not reply for weeks. Said, 'I needed some time after your reply'.....Aaargh. I have given up to wait for understanding from some people. I tell them when I find something offensive. Unfortunately I am a bit of a slow burner and things people say only sink in gradually. But it helps me get rid of bad feelings by just sending them right back to them. Nothing happens for a reason, otherwise somebody out there would be a massive sadist in making us all suffer thus...

Hello, I have been on on the 'old' board where I met many of the wonderful people who are now on this new board. I am so grateful to the founders of this new lifeline, thank you Jess for helping me getting (finally) installed! I lost Alex my husband on February 15 last year to a drowning accident. He went of to fish and never came back. I found him on a beach the next morning. We have a boy who only just turned two at the time of his untimely death. I consider myself being in complicated grief because our relationship was very difficult. I am a widow now for over a year. I am struggling with the finality of things and the fact that this situation cannot be changed, that I cannot resolve, make peace, forgive unless I do it myself. I feel utterly destroyed and lost. I am a positive, loving and energetic person by nature but this has just taken me off my feet. I cannot and do not want to let go. I probably still refuse to be in this situation. I am very angry at life, fate or destiny or whatever you wish to call it for being in this misery and for having to not only see myself suffer but above all our small boy who is innocent. I deal with daily life (work, childcare) and 'function' ok but for my taste my nerves are worn too thin, I freak out over minor things and many times our little son is the one who suffers it (not ok). On the outside I am 'so strong' but on the inside I want to howl and kick many many times. I have found a wonderful therapist who listens and guides me but the reality is that I have to get myself out of this hell by myself. At the moment I live on a Carribeean island, where the weather is mostly warm and sunny and people are laid back which I believe helps my mood. I will return to Europe this summer however and have no idea yet how I / we will cope. Good thing is, I will meet up with some of our fellow wids in Amsterdam, so something to look forward to. Hugs to all of you. I am glad to be able to communicate here. At the moment I am not very communicative but hopefully this will change again. Thank you guys who started this board and all of you who take time to listen and reply.

Jen, I am drifting from being positive to being desperate all the time. It is like the tide and comes regularly. Sometimes the frequency is slower sometimes I go from happy to destroyed multiple times a day. Sometimes I have to laugh and cry at the same time. I hope it is good for something, makes us heal. I have no other explanation, if there is such a thing. I am thinking of you, these days, a lot. I am right here ready to prop you up.

Hi Carey, I just wanted to say, thank you for re-viving this post. I have read a lot in it on the old YWBB and it is good to have a place to come to here too. A lot of what you said resonates a lot with me. I feel out of place many many times in the post of all the people mourning for somebody they loved 'cleanly'. I just wrote a long long reply when my laptop shut down because I hadn't plugged it in and now it is too late to re-write and I have lost the thread. Never mind, thank you anyway and hugs on your way. I will go to sleep to let the layers that complicate life rest and get some peace.

Jacklesssally. I am glad you found a solution that works for you and glad you have such a great cousin. I hope it works out positively for you. Why don't you ask him to make the phonecalls for you. It may be difficult to deal with the matter of fact voice of someone who works with death all the time... just a thought.. I found A washed up on a beach after he drowned. He lay face down and the police stopped me from turning him over and I did not have the strength. I had to go view him at the funeral home two days later. Yes the images are there, burnt somewhere deep in my brain, forever. He was so bruised. Seeing him dead and knowing what had happened, to think how he must have died, what happened and how he must have suffered, however brief it may have been, that hurt me so much. I prefer to look at the photos when he was alive.

Hey, mikeeh, you are not selfish. You are lonely. Any your last sentence speaks for itself. Sorry you are feeling like this.

Some people are just insensitive gits. I have thought about the customs and should one ever ask me this question, I think , if I manage to breathe in and out first I will then proceed to suggest he has a look at my episiotomy scar as a proof. That should shut them up. (My mum tried it and it worked eons ago...) just a thought...

Dear Jen, no wonder you feel shitty, grief itself is making us weak and then sickness on top of that? Be kind to yourself, treat yourself . I send you a big health-hug, all drugs included and hope you will be on the mend soon. We need your wisdom and insight here you know... :-*

Hi Tweety, what can I say, I hope you somehow got through that day. Sorry, I am late, but was not online for a bit. Those last moments are engrained forever. For me it is February 15th, so a similar timeline. I want to stop counting the months, I will only count years (that in itself is sad enough). I guess whichever year or month or week we are in, it will always suck and we will always miss them. Maybe we should plan annual bagos, always on the same date, bloody Valentine's day or something....???? Hugs to you and keep your head up. I wish I had a magic wand...

Dear Jen, I can only nod to what has already been said by the people above. I too was worried about you and I have seen how you have emerged from the complete desperation of the beginning and was very glad to see that. Of course you worry about yourself, your loneliness and anguish about the emptiness of the future. I can very much relate to that. Hugs to you on this day. Counting happens to most of us, I believe. Maybe it also helps us to see , how much time we have already survived in this permanent state of total destruction (which reminds me of Jess's signature line...that I often think of) Living on a Carribeean island that has suffered an extremely destructive Hurricane about 10 years ago, I find this an apt comparison: We have all been run over by life as if we were an Island hit by a hurricane. Massive destruction. But bit by bit things will be repaired, the damage removed, new trees grow, new houses are built. The entire island community will always remember, but everybody will also know, that even massive destruction can be overcome. It will be all right, I believe for you too. You will be all right Jen. I must believe it will be all right. There is light. Somewhere out there. Let's keep looking for it.

Maureen dear, belated hugs and good wishes on that big day. I hope sadness did not rule it. I really like your quote, I believe it fits you perfectly. Lovely pictures.

Hi, I am sorry you are feeling so low. Yes, I can relate too. We should all get medals for not going crazy and jumping off cliffedges all the time...I I hope your little boy is growing happily and bringing you joy. It is sure one big thing that it is worth living for. Hope the wave subsides soon, hold on , hugs

Dear all, I can relate to bits of all your postings. The first year was a survival camp, now it is surviving and trying to find some joy and stuff that makes me happy even for the slightest moment in a bleakness I never thought I could find myself in. I am meant to be a happy person, not a miserable one!!! I am angry at fate or life or whatever it is. And I am so deeply frustrated, I don't know how to ever get out of it. I am having 'good' times, but my inside is just so broken. It surfaces when there are moments of stress in my response to it. A lot of you have spoken about the finality of things, and how palpable it becomes now. I survived the 1st year anniversary and now I cannot think about the future without a cramp in my stomach. My tear glands are hypertrophied I am sure, they have produced so many tears over the last year. I cried an ocean. and yes, after a year 'it's about time to come round' , no? I have stopped listening to how people respond and I have written to a very insensitive friend how her actions have thrown me back....I haven't heard from her for weeks and she is an avid blogger and very versatile in her written expression....oh , never mind. I have learnt to stick to the people who care and try to express and communicate with me. I have come to realize what I have read a lot about early on, when I did not believe this was possible, that it does get a bit easier, the coping and the playing at life, but really, it hurts as it always has. I must find a way out of this misery, because it does not help anybody, least myself. Knowing how would be a great start....hugs to all of you.

Dear deedee, I am sorry for your loss. It is early days for you. Be gentle with yourself, as Jess said above, look after yourself as good as you can. I remember at around this time it really hits you that they are gone, like really gone forever and that in itself is an unbearable thought. I thought I could never live with this, knowing that , but we haven't really got a choice unless we kill ourselves and I made it over a year now. It does get different, easier maybe but it hurts always. This forum has saved me on so many nights, when I felt more lonely than ever and desperate and hopeless. There are wonderful and kind people here, funny people , sarcastic people, but they all know what you are going through, even if we all go through this hell in our own individual ways it does help to know you are not alone. On behalf of your friends, I have had a wide spectrum from enpathic and helpful to unthinkably brutal ,but I have come to realize that people cannot and don't want to deal with death and they don't understand what is going on inside of us. By sending you a message they probably thought they were supporting you even if you did not receive it like that. At least they wrote...some people just disappear. Some incredible things will be said. Be gentle with yourself and patient. This will ease a bit with time. Hugs to you and look after yourself.

Dearest Jen, I have finally found my way in, hope you are feeling a bit better in the meantime...I have been reading here but could not access. I find the wave analogy is so true, gladly the up-wave always comes. I find it dangerous to think about the future, because it always sets me on a tailspin. But: the near future looks brighter, because we are all going to meet in Amsterdam, that is something I am really looking forward to !!!!!! hugs

Horay, one big followerfellowwid just finally and thank Godedly made it onto this sparkling new board and just want to say 'hi' and send a belated hug to you Michael for the sad day and hope you pulled through kind-of-ok-ishly...?? Anyway, see you in Europe I hear!!! I wanted to contribute to the song, but I think I cannot make a Bowie song sound anything but really really bad....but as always, may be persuaded to do foolish things... keep RH going, it is needed

Wonderful, can't wait to meet you in the flesh dear woman!! and obviosly the boss too

HOOORRAYYY; I made it into this new and wonderful board, you are all here and I have booked my flight and room and I am so excited!!!!!! I will have to find a babysitter still, but I can't believe I will be meeting all you wonderful people soon , grrrrreat. And some of my favourite oversears are coming too, wonderful . Thanks for picking a hotel, I got a room, will arrive on Saturday as working on Friday , staying until Monday. hugs and smooches to all of you P:S: hope I make it to the cycling, WWOW weedy wids on wheels not that I like the stuff, but I can cycle...