Ursula

Oh, great , thank you Justin, I am still looking for answers and if they cannot be found at least hints of answers....will check these Websites.

it is midnight 01, I am leaving tomorrow for Amsterdam, I have about 24 hours with our fellow wids and I am going to make the most of it. I still haven't packed and temperatures will be about 10 degrees down from here, but .... ok, I go to sleep now, more to come after the weekend. So glad so many are making this happen, it was only an idea last year ....

I am hovering around 1.5 years. I have gone inward, I curl emotionally back into my snail shell, I don't start to talk about 'it', only if people ask and insist on answers. I don't really have the answers. My heart is breaking every single day, some days multiple times, some days almost not. I have a friend who is a quadruple amputee. She shows incredible strength. I don't know how she motivates herself everyday, but somehow she battles on. For her it is the live before and after her illness, for me and us it is before and after our partners died. The say in amputees it is phantom pain, pain from the no longer existing limb/s. I think it is just pain caused by the loss of a part of one. It must be just the same with heartbreak after loosing yous spouse , the continuing pain is there because of the love it once was, and the heart that just keeps functioning, because that is what it was made for.

Hey Virgo, I do it too. And the not being able to throw away anything that I encounter from before he died. like train tickets...or shop receipts....I stuff it somewhere just being unable to throw it away. Clutching at straws...imaginary straws...aargh. and yes, that too, things I look at, like, buy, eat, listen to...I mentally involve him in it...I have always involved him, why should I stop doing that? I still look at things in the men's section of shops thinking what would suit him, and then I get the pang when I realise, no, not that, never again. Gosh if all these thoughts just would go somewhere where they are received. Or are we all sending into open space ?????

Hello widowat33, I am glad the day turned out better than anticipated. It is weird, I experienced the same and have read it many times here and Justin here just confirms it, that the days leading up to the day are worse than the actual day. I guess once it is here, you cannot change that either. Good that you were surrounded by upbeat friends, your son and a campfire sounds just like a good end to the day. You sound very positive, congratulations on that! and keep at it. peace be with you.

thank you all, especially since this is still running under the silly 'sausage' header... I am heading to Amsterdam to meet with some lovely fellow wids tomorrow, and I am really looking forward to it. Put some real faces to some really lovely people I met here. xxxx

Thank you for your replies, yes, it was horrible and somehow I saw all of it, what it reminded me of , the suffering of the two men and what their women and families and friends will have to go through. sometimes it is just too much. Maybe it means I have to try and get in touch with them...so at least something possibly positive comes out of this. don't know.

Hachi, how did you do all of this in two weeks time???? And eat all the wonderful food you pictured??? I am also intrigued by the sea- organ, sounds great. I am glad you had a great trip.

Mikeeh, no it is not creepy. I believe it is just the way you feel. it is totally ok to look at people's fingers, we all do it .I do it too. Just generally thinking that whenever I kind of think somebody is interesting to look at , they usually wear a ring and then I think , what the hell, I don't even want to meet anybody. I wear my ring, despite and with a point. I never agreed to this and I don't want to look available .I am not ready. I have no idea if I ever will be ready. I don't think I am so bad, so I rather wear my rings so nobody even thinks about talking to me... that may be weird too..haha.. Probably stubborn, like a little child. I am sulking at life. So you are totally ok. It is amazing how we all experience this ring- business so differently. mikeeh, Jen, everyone, I believe we are all totally loveable somewhere, especially you. Don't put yourself down, yes, it hurts to read what you say about yourself. our situations are just os incredibly complex and difficult, how can we be relaxed and cruise along through live, before we have not totally dismantled ourselves and everything connected to us, so we can start to rebuild?? ( I am probably not making much sense anymore, so will go to bed). it is good to talk to you guys, as always

Hi, I believe I am nearing 1.5 years, I have stopped counting, as it makes no difference. I hear all of your descriptions and I feel the same most of the time. For me it is like being suspended, in between times, there is no past and there is no future, just the present. I am also (sometimes) trying to actually do this consciously, live in the present only, but fail miserably as I am thinking back...to a time that was different. I have many bad days, moments where it all comes crashing down. I find this second year harder, as it drags on. It is like crawling through the desert on your knees, after a while it hurts and is just too uncomfortable to live, but I have to carry on to get out of it..... hugs to all you guys

Cherries and sausages and sultans!! Damn. Thanks guys, you are nice. My next trip to the supermarket was not so bad. I believe it so much depends on the daily state of mind and in my case definitively on the amount of sleep had during the night (which is chronically not enough). In the meantime I must say that the sausage was a minor incident, after having seen two young men being resuscitated after drowning accidents at the same time, just during exactly the hour I went to the river (where everybody swims) fora swim with a friend .... I wish there were only sausages now.... A drowned and there was nobody there to resuscitate him, but the two young men on Sunday died too. Damn, damn damn. I cannot think about the effect of this. I felt like someone had hit me full on with a sledgehammer on my chest. Why did I have to see this ? Just in case I had forgotten ?????

Today I went grocery shopping with child in trolley and all was not so bad , when I spotted a pile of sausages in the meat section. They were the ones A really liked. It caught me unaware. I stood there gasping for air, with the oh so well known suffocating feeling and tears were falling down my face. For a bloody sausage! So much for triggers ,they are lurking everywhere. I could cry for about anything anyway these days. Trigger-galore !!

brokenheart ,I am so so sorry. Totally understand that you are not ready for any of this. How could you. Nothing I want to say sounds right, so I just say that I am thinking of you. Hang in there .

Injo ,I am sorry you came home feeling like this to an empty house. It sucks. I believe your friends just did not know how to say it , and yes, surely they talked about you between themselves. They just cannot imagine what this is like. Especially when they talk about their partners, the future, things they did with their partners. They are so much inside life, as we are out. I am usually the only one who brings up A in a conversation. Apart from people who tend to ask uncomfortable questions. I mention him as naturally as possible. I also talk with our son about him. I want to keep him in our lives. I think that is very uncomfortable for some people. It takes guts to face the dead and I believe few people do actually have them. Friends are a weird thing. Maybe you should find a cat again, they are such great and comforting company.

Dear Jen, it has been a while - I am glad you had some fun too. As for all the other things, I too hear you. Travel is a good way to distract, also a trigger-zone, but new impressions too will get stuck and hopefully make you happy in some sort of way. I'll give you the hug personally soon - squeeze and take good care of yourself

So sorry. This is so hard. Thinking of you two.

Midnight man, sorry you feel so low but very much understood. I have no magic potion, otherwise would produce it in large quantities and distribute here, but I believe doing small things and taking it all step by step helps. I really like Mizpah's allegory of the hibernation and yes, it is just like that. The turnover slows down, you curl up inside and grow a lot of hair/ fat/ wall, whatever it is. I have concentrated on our child, it has given me focus. I don't know what i would have done without his happy smile and his love and his little arms stretched out. Maybe it is not 'all done'. Maybe some change would help if you can stomach it. Have you considered moving house? I know it is stressful, but it may give you something to do , next to work. Even just looking for a new place to live. You don't have to do it in the end, but it may open up new ideas and bring in new impressions. Or do something, you both wanted to do, but never got round to do .It may be sad, but it could also be positive. Ach I don't know, but hope you find some light soon, to keep you going , to make you want get out of that bed of yours and go out see the day and the light. Hugs and take care

Jess, I can relate so well. I haven't been on the board for quite some time, because I felt so disconnected and tired of this situation that I just tried to distract myself with movies and other stuff. But I have missed it, you and all the other people here. Yes, we all make one another feel less alone, that is so important. And we don't have to grasp for words to explain, becuase everybody here understands what this feels like, so often helpless and desperate and endless with no end and no remedy. This community is so priceless. I hope you have an 'up' phase coming along and see some light. Good weather and sun and being outside helps my mood for sure , so I hope you have good weather. Hang in there dear. Yeah, the tunnel idea sounds good, if only it were all painless on he other side of it. Many many hugs.

Hey Sally, all the best to you, belated ! I hope things get easier for you. Glad people thought of your Birthday and tried to make it special for you, nice. Wishing you well . Hugs.

Dear keeptrying, I am so sorry. Yes that pain, and the wish to unknow, unfeel, unsee ... I am over a year, probably a year and a half, I have stopped counting, because it depresses me even more and it is so futile, but I remember well the beginning of this crap trip. I can't imagine what it is like with a newborn, I had an almost 2 year -old and that was hard enough, but I was glad I had him, because it gave me purpose and I could feel love for our son, at least. It helped me when I realized, that the 'moment by moment' , 'day by day' actually worked, once I was slightly out of the first stupor, which took about three months. I still live by it, I still cannot think into the future and I get immensely depressed if I do, hopeless and so sad, but I keep going on. It just happens. I think you cannot keep pretending, but take your time to face reality. just as SVS said above, if you divide it into smaller portions, it may be easier digested..?? And it does get easier to manage the pain. I never believed it, when people told me in the beginning, but it does, somehow. Come here if you feel lost and hopeless. I have found this place the best help I got. And if you find a counselor that suits you, that helped me too. They help you see things from a different perspective, I find that good. You are not alone, and you can do this. I have no words of wisdom but it does get a bit easier. It will always hurt, I believe, but you learn to handle the pain ...(even if that is not really a very promising state of mind either...). Hugs to you.

It sure makes so much sense. Oh and yes, I would do a great many things differently and as many just the same and I just wanted to see us grow together and our wee boy discover life, instead of having to do it on my own. It is lonely and it sucks. I didn't know either, never crossed my mind and am an empty copy of my old self - if I would have known ? I have no answer to that.

Hello, I do it too, sometimes because I stumble upon something and sometimes because I look for it, as when looking at pictures. Since I am living in our old place again, opening boxes, bags etc. tons of stuff comes at me impromptu and knocks me right off my feet every time. Maybe also, today I am not so strong , but hell, it is all so close. I really don't think you are crazy or wanting to torture yourself, it is because you miss him. Simply that. So you go and look at things that remind you of him, or make you feel he is closer. I have come to realize that the pain is always just at my shoulder and when I look at it I feel it. Yes, I can walk away from it again and carry on, but I know it is there and too damn close.

Dear Icoxwell, that is GREAT news!!! Very glad for you, your dream job? Congratulations!! Change is always scary and takes an extra load of effort. I have just moved back from the Caribean to Europe , to my old house (that I shared with A), my old job and the change still has me off my feet. But that does not mean I won't change anymore. We all deal with these things differently, some of us need a more constant life, others crave change. I belong to the latter but it is still exhausting, especially all the official crap and paperwork. Anyway, one step at the time (ain't we all really good at that???) and you will grow into these shoes that just feel a touch too big just now. Best of luck and you should not forget to celebrate this!!! And maybe moving away from the place where you lived with Kenneth, may help you cover new ground. you go girl!!

Maureen, I wish you safe travels, and many new impressions to keep the mind busy and distracted. Travel is a great medicine I believe. Hugs and thinking of you

hi, sorry it is difficult for you. I am not surprised. You need strength and faith to move to a new place and grief is our chronic weakening 'backpack' , that we carry around all the time. Sometimes it pressures and hurts and gets just too heavy to carry. That is when we sit down and take it off and cry until it feels easier again. Good luck on your move. Your dog was also your companion and it hurts to loose them. And then all the other hurt comes flushing in as well....take care of yourself.