Ursula

Jen, I hear you too. And great job for getting rid of the 'just', I always thought of you as Jen without the just anyway. Such wise people here, I am learning so much from all of you. I have that feeling too, the wish for amnesia or something alike. I am scared of a future, where this grief thing is hanging around too, menacing to hurt. The fact that we cannot unthink the unthinkable. I hope you can climb back unto the board to surf the positive wave again !!!! And hey, I could not come here for a while either, because I just could not face it. Normal. Always great to read from you. Superjen!! Hugs and love

Michael, great to hear a new transmission, have to admit, been out of the office for a bit, would have a latte, cinnamon or not ( hey Jen!!) and must say, really like your last post: 'What's the moral, you say? Silly question - stories around here don't have morals. The best anyone can do in this place is tiny victories. The real question is whether this story constitutes a victory or not.' I guess as long as you can make up a story that is a creative process and creativity's rebirth must be a sign of progress in the healing process.... wishing you much fun in NY !!

Dear Benjamin, Peggy , Fran....this is a good place to find good people. We all share this pain and somehow knowing one is not alone helps. I am so sorry you have to come here and tell your heartbreaking stories. It sucks and keeps sucking. It gets more bearable, the hurt stays, but one gradually can function again. I lost A 1.5 years ago. There are many wise people here, come and let it out here . Nobody has a solution but many will listen and you can find wise advise here. Take care, and remember, it is one moment at the time, step by step. That's what has kept me going. Take care you all. Hugs.

Dear Icoxwell, you sound like you are on a good path. I am glad for you, keep that spirit. And your new colleagues seem to be a nice bunch of people, important, especially as we spend a large amount of our lives at work..... hugs

Hola PalomaQueNoPuedeVolar, hugs to you. Your post made me think. And there has been some very sound advice given by Maureen. I have been to my first bago recently and it was lovely, I feel like I made some friends (and some felt like they have been friends before anyway)and there was what Maureen calls ' a sense of understanding that you don't need to articulate' . Have you been to a bago? It may be a chance to meet people you can relate to and even people who live near you, so you could potentially get together frequently. Also, why not open a page just for that, on this site? Where other subjects than the struggle with grief are on and which can be frequented by people on your wavelength? Just thoughts. I hope you find company/ feel less alone soon. Hugs

Yep, exactly that Jen, wonderful, glad you found that place. Hugs and carry on like this xxx

Good on you , ironlady and not off topic at all. You are and will be an inspiration for yourself and others by setting yourself a goal and actively working towards achieving it! well done!

sorry, just can't restrain myself but: life is politics, politics is life. Widowhood is life, thus is politics too. We are all in it, widows, widowers, married, unmarried, gay, straight, willingly or not. And; that is a great achievement about marriage equality and makes my little widowbones happy (so, this could also go into the 'little happy things' thread, could it not ?) Please keep posting everything. I choose what I read, that is my personal freedom (and politics??) have a lovely day all :-)

Maureen, I missed most of your trip, but have read your whole post just now. It shows a journey full of beauty and pain. I am truly sorry you have to feel all this pain, but on the other hand I see your trip like a journey onward, catharsis, digesting stuff, like you say, catching up on grieving. I believe when facing the grandeur of nature, one becomes much more aware of ones emotional status, and emotions may be augmented. I am happy for you that you could make this wonderful trip. You travelled the whole country (ha, continent really) , you are so strong and such an inspiration. I am sorry you could not do this trip together with John. The ceremony sounds lovely, honest and fitting. It just shows how much you love him because you did this for him. I have no answer to your question on whether you can overcome this pain. I wish you may. You deserve to be happier than this. I hope your anxiety goes away. You are one strong woman Maureen and an inspiration. Wishing you well, very well and many many hugs. I wish there was a spaceship we could pile all that pain on and send it into outer space... xxx

I love this post, it is plain beautiful His name is Alex - Ale - papi - loco- pirata and finally Papa. Jos? Raul, but nobody ever called him like that. He was always warm - he was fiercely proud and incredibly sensitive - he was rough and explosive - he was so passionate and his energy was palpable - his voice was wonderfully low and warm - he could drive me up the wall - he was wild and undomesticated - he was extreme in every way. He loved his music and was incredibly talented - It was always life or death for him. He was very deep and very dark- a tormented soul. I knew him, I know him - I recognised him. He had to go , before he had time to mature and realise the magnitude of all that he was and had. When I met him, he looked right into me and broke down all my barriers - I miss him every day - life will never be the same.

I hear you Jen, I would not be the same person either, if it weren't for nights spent reading and replying on this forum, eaten by mosquitoes sweating and drinking 'dark and stormies'. I have come to realise that grief is like a bad but very persistent follower (companion would be the wrong word I guess), the party pooper, that always sits there and stares at you, especially when you just had a laugh and made a good joke and feel light - that look on grief's face across the room...always at ones shoulder, like a cold shadow that gives you the creeps... Grace, you are right, be nice to yourself, give yourself gifts, do things that you like (whenever you can) -- hugs , squeeze and a big smile for you

This is my favourite , I would like to share it with you: ?You?ll get over it?? It?s the clich?s that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don?t get over it because ?it? is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?? ― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

...There was so much more, so much more yet to live....

Dear, sorry you feel low. If it helps, I am scrambling very close to the bottom too. Just another low phase. Done too many of these but they keep coming back. I have no wise words, but hope all those tears are good for something. I am lost too. Hope you can touch soft ground too. Many many hugs xx

Trying, so glad you got this positive result after all you have been through. That is great , I am happy and relieved for you too.

MissingMyJon, I get what you say. Feeling much the same. Trying to distract myself so I won't start thinking, because if I do, I break down. Everything reminds me of his abscence that will be FOREVER, everywhere there are things that make me think of him and it hurts, all the bloody time. How can we let go? Like, blank our memories? How should we do the 'closure' part of the grieving business (as they describe the stages of grieving so nicely) ??? Honestly, like closing a door on somebody and just forgetting or what? sorry you felt bad. ((MMJ)) And to everybody who talked about the stuff people say, those are empty words, 'he is with you' - yeah, as if. would be nice, but nope. I haven't got the gene it takes to feel their presence. I tried, believe me, I tried, to talk, to get him to appear and whatever, but nothing, lovely nothingness.

I haven't figured out the quoting properly yet, but I am quoting Jenni (above): It could happen, right? <3 Call me when yours does and mine will do just because yours does!!!!! Everything is possible, but WHERE and WHEN ??? and HOW ??? ... (((J)))

Thanks Michael , for expressing a lot of what I think about the recent bago. It was fantastic companionship and without even much talk about the grief, it was palpable, but because everybody felt it, there was no awkwardness. Companionship is a wonderful word. Yes. It is an antidote to loneliness. Very nicely said Michael. And thanks for coming a long long way.

Carey, I have read some very wise words in a book from a Harold Kushner, who wrote : 'When bad things happen to good people' , and he deals just with the question you have. I find what he says is very well reflected. These are highly philosophical questions and there can only ever be attempts of answers and depending on where yo come from (in the sense of what one believes), there are different routes toward a possible answer.

Hi Quixote, Hallei, Jamie - I believe and hope that on this board there will always someone who will reply ,have an idea towards and answer or just let you know that they are here reading. You are not alone. We know what you feel, maybe not the same, but the missing the person we love and the daily pain, the agonies that attack from out of nowwhere, it is all here too. We hear you. I wen to my first bago this weekend and it was an amazing community. We had a great time. It felt really just ok. Keep coming here, it is a safe place - take care

yes, Lisa , you say it, hack hack. It sounds like he did not have enough time, wasn't paid enough or just does not give a shit about the subject he (or she??) was writing about. And , yes, it is so easy, if you loved eachother, you walk out of this entire, if you were codepenent, you don't----any chance, there may be borderline types, like people who do love eachother and may also be partly codependent, wives who do not cover up their husbands (or vice versa) problem with alcohol , who try to get out of the viscious circle of promise to get better - failing at it again -making a mess of things - apologize- well the entire thing... it is way more complex than the half A4 page he has scribbled up in 15 minutes (or copy-pasted from the handouts of a 'crash course for the widowed of alcohol abusers').... darn, it is a bad article, full stop. What I would say? Definitively more than that- there is more than one perspective of cause and effect in this.

Thank you all for your replies. Rob, I did actually talk to my friend about this, and you won't believe , she said, you know I lost hands and legs, but I cannot imagine what you are going through. I was silent then. And she is getting married in September, which is just great! I am in awe of her. We are probably all just handicapped. It is like having a heart with a limp....it just does not feel the same anymore. My heart cannot jump with joy anymore, it just hops along kinda lopsided...

VIrgo,, I think it is great that you got the stone. It takes as long as it takes. I believe it does not matter when, since compared to forever it's nothing. The main thing is that you like it, everybody else has to get used to it, if they don't ... The not crying thing may be due to getting gradually used to this situation, without getting used to it, if you know what I mean. Maybe it depends on your daily form, on the situation etc. I find myself crying out of nowhere and then again, as you said, talk about A and not shed a tear. I had a memorial stone made too, but I had to leave before I could have it placed, it would not have been the right moment, so I will do it , when I go back there. I hope you feel good about having the stone made now . I really like your inscription. hugs

Hey Mark, hang in there . have no words of wisdom, but wish something good hapens soon!

I just have a minute, but want to say: It was great to meet a fantastic group of people and spend some time in a great place. I can only recommend doing this to everybody. love to all and hope everybody got home ok and was busy enough not to feel too lonely afterwards. Wonderful to put faces and voicesto the people one connects with on this board