Ursula

Jman , I am sorry you have to come here. It is a good place for solace and advice, there are always wise people who say things that help. Let me tell you that you are amazing, 5 children alone and working???? I have one and am wor king and I think I am doing a halfway ok job, but you are bringing up 5!!! sound great to me! oh and the negative people? They lurk everywhere with their hurtful not useful comments. I don' t know why they just can't be helpful instead... hope you keep finding the good ones and all the best for you and your ilttle ones.

Macc bit of a late reply but I came here to look for some advice as I had a bad rant at our 4 year old. It happens, it is the emotional exhaustion and the frustration with being in pain that makes us do it I think. I would have so much more patience and less nerves if I was my content self but the last almost 3 Jears are taking their toll and it is scary and sad at the same time. I don' t think you broke their spirit I believe that it takes more than that... and apologising is demonstrating them that you are reflecting on your actions and that is a good lesson. I wish it would not happen but reading everybody's statements just shows how human it is. we are not perfect and they are neither. They wre not supposed to be without one parent and we aren't supposed to be without our chosen partners....not easy. Let' s try to learn and grow...togeher? hugs

Blimey, very well written, it tore me apart though. Almost 3 years on. I think it is all the sadness that we are trying to keep buried, despite letting it out, there is a lot more to come. I especially like how she describes how we change after our beloved dies, how our brains seem overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks. Thank you Maureen for sharing and everybody else who planned to :-)

Thank you Kater for sharing this beautiful piece.

Maureen, yours is the first post I am reading this year and you are and always have been an inspiration!! Your upbeat post is a joy to read. I haven't thought about what will be different in 2017 but realise that my thoughts start to wander where they have not been in a long long time and I know I can continue albeit with a very broken heart and a dark shadow hanging over me. But I have a child to raise and I try to be a decent mum. I am trying to continue to grow as a human being, to be able to be kind and to live and let live trying to give a little where I can, because I can and because it is free all the while I am working and doing all sorts of things that I can enjoy. The sad moments in between are fewer now. Good luck to everybody, may you continue to heal. PS; I would never have thought that I will be writing this, so I guess this is progress..

well said , Adley, yes Jen, keep going, we are on similar timelines. I hate sto see you so low. I am approaching 3 years and it feels empty and hollow and I am very tired too of being down and sad. I am keeping my head up most times now, it has become a bit less heavy. But the hollow in my heart remains, there where Alex lives. Know that I am rooting for you from far afar!

Imissdow and fellow commentators, yes, the noncommnicating family... I am bracing myself to fly across the atlantic to meet up with my family who does talk a lot, mostly about things irrelevant...will meet up with friends who care too, to make it less depressing. Christmas smell, yes, love that too.

Grenada, windward islands, beautiful here really...... Helen, love your picture, love your town!!

MB, totally understand, go vent!! I did pagelong venting in the 'the most unsensitive things people have said' post. It helps to get it off your chest. Yes, the missing empathy hurts. As if you were not hurting enough as it is.. I am sorry people let you hang there on your own. Why don't you three get together, sounds good. I was at one widowbago and it was great, felt 'at home' . May be a good thing for the Christmas period. Hang in there, you are not alone.

It's your finger and your ring. I are free to do what feels right for you and only you. I hope you find a way that feels right. I wore my wedding ring in its true place for two and a half years. This summer I bought myself a ring which I wear on the wedding ring finger. Sometimes I wear my wedding ring. I got married and was not asked to unmarry. If ever there is anyone else who gives me a ring, it's got to go on another finger. I've got ten. This one was meant for Alex. Maybe that will change, who knows. I have never believed in dogma.

So I have just read this entire thread and it makes my hair stand up . It is unsafe to be 'getting out there', as all these hypersensitive people recommend...'get a life' and all that shit... anyway. I should be keeping track of all the insensitivities, as they are really lessons to learn on how low humanity can sink, if we can call that humanity. Elephants care more for their dead and group grieve... I have to rant too. My own big sister kicked me right in the guts at the beginning of the year when I broke down in front of her (I felt safe there you know) after having spent the day packing up my former life, photographs, his clothes, shoes, all his stuff, before moving out of the flat that was our home. She basically told me, I was playing the victim and I should stop feeling sorry for myself and I was upsetting people by being so negative. People asked her, why I was so negative.... It cut my breath. I just wanted to leave to never come back again. If it had not been for our son who was playing with his cousins whom he loves dearly (only local family he has), I would have done so. I left the room. She came after me and kind of said she loved me but it would hurt her to see me thus. Oh well, that is the excuse then, for kicking me in the guts, when I was already on the floor. so, it was all about her . I know now, that she is upset about something else. Something I never told her, because I know her temperatment and that she would blurt it out in a bad moment, hurting people, i.e. our son and I , and I wanted to avoid that. But alas, some untrustworthy bitch told her, what she should not have known and she used it well, to kick my guts. I did not know she could be so mean. And she did not realise what she did. I explained it to her in a long letter, but the only reply I got was: 'I had to get it out'. Obviously at all cost. I was and still am so hurt and our relationship is definitively not what it used to be (it used to be really good actually) I know now, that I won't ever open up to her again. For fear of being hurt. Don't we hurt enough already? Do we really need to hurt more? So, her perfect friends in their perfect worlds get upset if they ask me how I am and I say, not great. Well then don't ask me how I feel. Can't you read faces? Leave me alone. That is why I really rather stay at home and watch a movie of my choice that I can switch off, when it upsets me, than having to deal with this insensitive lot of people. They cannot bear to hear of sadness and tragedy. But they watch it in movies, they read it in books, but if it is reality, they lash out, instead of supporting us. And in the family, old shit from childhood seems to come up. So we also have to be the psychoanalists of our insensitive family, friends , coworkers etc..??? We don't have enough to deal with? Sorry, but I have to rant on. My 'best of wtf' collection (collected in almost 3 years of widowhood): My sister tops. My mum: Oh wouldn't it have been wonderful if Alex could have been with us this summer (1week family holiday ) what a show that would have been, him so exotic and with your beautiful child. Me: empty swallow, I was at a loss for words. no point talking, really, is there? Alex was a beautiful man and yes, that is the most important, that other people see us as an exotic family?????? I would have loved to spend a week on a beautiful italian island with him being there, alive , breathing, enjoying it and an alive father to our child, that would have been wonderful. wtf. A friend: Oh well, now you save a lot of money that you had to spend on him (sic). Another: Maybe it is better this way, you may never have been able to separate from him (we had a rocky marriage). Another: I don't really understand your grieving so much because I never really liked him. sic. Another: I kind of know how you feel , since my dog died (sic!!) In the 5 months after his death, two friends included me in group 'RIP' messages with photograph (!!!!) for their dead dogs !!!! ( I wanted to vomit, really, I am a vet, I like animals, but just don't copy me in..) My MIL and SIL: If you would have looked after him better he would not have died. --- i don't like them anymore, they just killed it all right then and there. so, in the end it is all about them. It is not that they mean ill. Empathy is missing. That is why they say things like that. And they are shitting their pants even trying to think about how this may feel. It is unthinkable I agree but you don't have to hurt people: Just remain silent. I feel with everybody who has shared on this posting. I am sorry for the pain people have caused you all. I can't believe widows and widowers say crappy stuff like this too. I would love to comment on all of your postings and help with the punching... I admire all of you who so graciously react to these assaults. I wish I could be more composed. I think empathy is a most precious gift. take care all. hgus

Oh dear, I hear you. I will be three years in this soon and I can tell you, I felt just like what you are describing for a very very long time. I still do sometimes. What I can say, and I remember very well how often I wished I was further along when someone else told me the same. The pain gets less acute, less breathtaking and the mind is able to open up a bit again, bit by bit. Hang in there, keep swimming, cry and let it out. This board saved my life I think and I have come back after being away for a while and it feels like home. Talk and cry and be gentle to yourselves. You grieve because you love. You are going through the unimaginable, but here , you are not alone. It has always helped me to know that. Because we feel so damn alone sometimes. And often all we need is a nudge from someone else, a smile , a hug ..it works, even if it is virtual. hugs to all of you, and none of us should have to go through this.

Dear First Widow, you have a right to cry, as you have a right to laugh. It has got to get out. I will be 3 years a widow next year and I cry for all sorts of stuff that pops up without warning. I still check out stuff that he liked and there are sooo many things everywhere, then a song hits you, then a scent, or you see someone walk down the street with similar posture or clothes or hair. I get a heart attack every time. Still. I don't expect it to go away he is a part of my life and of me, and that is ok. There is a saying ...tears are a measure of love..

You know it feels like being surrounded by normal people. I think I kept away, because I could not handle the pain anymore. My own and everybody else's. But I have come to realise that I have only internalised all my grief and frustration because I don't have anybody to talk to anymore , they kind of all send out the 'again, shouldn't you be over it by now' vibe and I only rarely start talking. But it backs up and it is bad. I was not consciously aware how important the boards are, how good it is to read of other people's journey through grief country and to share and help out others who are not as long on their way. I have met some great people at a local grief group and that has been my replacement for a while. It felt more real somehow. But then again, it only happened every other week, and that is not really enough . good night all, hope you find some sleep.

Dear CanadianGirl, I am sorry to hear about all these things failing, darn, I know how it feels. Overwhelming is sometimes moderately expressed. Let me just say, I hope the stars align to send you a. a plumber, b. a car mechanic and I think they should be well mannered and good looking too, you deserve that, and c. that they do a good job for little money! Keep going uphill everybody who replied also too.

Guys, what happened to Radio Hell ?? I finally found the tune again... would love to hear some. greetings from G

Just to say, I have been away from the boards and realise just now how it feels a bit like coming home to log in here ( I lost my password, could not remember anything and just today found it scribbled on the bottom of a page..). Will be more active again. Great to see so many of you! Hope you are all scrambling on somehow and manage to smile in between. I am approaching 3 years and have many 'all four seasons in a day' days but I am alive. I feel for everybody new here, but this place is a life-saver. yes. hugs to all.

Thank you Too Soon. Good to read.

I hear you too! Tired and disappointed and it shows. I find my own reflection scary sometimes and some photographs are so awful. I look old and I started to grow grey hair. Not exactly good for the feeling of self...I wish you good luck with the interview, and yes, the massage suggestion is definitively one to consider...

I hear you. It feels like in another life, the life before he died. So distant. I like your sand on the beach analogy. But in my heart, I know, the traces he left are ingrained.

Dear mo, I just came back today too... I am with you trying to figure out why I haven't been here. Maybe avoiding the loudness of the written word or not wanting to think/ talk..... have widow (or not widow) dementia too, I believe calling it 'widow brain' is an understatement, I doubt there is much brain left (maybe call it mad widow disease ???). I forget the simplest things and piss people off by double booking dates and forgetting appointments. If I don't write it down, it's gone.....somewhere.... All the best for you, good luck with the 'new life' , I hope it gives you energy if needed and new perspective (-s). Hugs y'all

Dear all, it has been a long time since I have been here , reading and typing. I somehow did not muster the energy anymore, cruising through all sorts of emotional habitats. I would just like to say, that I wish you all some moments of light, joy and happiness in this year to come. May you have the strength to walk on and smile despite it all and receive many a smile back. Hugs

Oh yess, mydears! Open invitation renewed to my new old abode under the palmtrees.... Little victories also include leaving ones job and going to where one feels slightly better (and warmer!!!). Next year only though... xxx

Jen, dreams can be very challenging. I have mostly disturbing dreams and rarely very happy dreams.... (???). It is tough to wake up already exhausted from night long battles and heartbreak and face another day.... I hope you find much peaceful sleep these days. Hugs

Jess, I am a bit late but hope you are feeling better. Those are tough days. I hope you could get something positive out of it. Sometimes these days also bring small moments of peace despite all the grayness.... Hugs to you