Sugarbell

Oh bless your heart!!! I so dread those things too. How about a joint next time?😜

((((((((Mary))))))))) Bluebird offers great advice...You do need your own support dealing with his addiction. And sometimes even the strongest people...have a breaking point...there is only so much stress one human being can handle until we crack and break. I am so happy your job provides the EAP and you will have someone to talk to! I hope and pray you get a good one!

I do get this...even though it doesn't bother being being by myself..I kinda need it. But I know I am with a guy who would give me my space if we were living together or married-but we aren't there yet. Pretty much the same reasons as you. My kids like him and really wouldn't mind..as long as there lives went ahead as planned (but he doesn't have any young kids-so mine wouldn't have any adjusting) Our thing is location..only an hour away..but my kids (and I am with them on this) do not want to go to school in his district and its in Ohio (sorry Ohio people..but some of those counties have weird districting)--He is willing to move up here eventually...but would have an hour commute (and he would give up his businesses, coaching and referee gigs-and I know he does love it)--So I wouldn't feel right asking him to move. So I dunno what we are going to do. For the time being...enjoy the moment. But yeah...lately I am finding myself "needing more" and he is too.

Thanks for the responses... I do think that working and now 3 school age kids..forces me to declutter and stay organized. I feel better, more in control. I still think its a control thing too. I hate clutter-I think it attracts negative energy and makes life chaotic. But I can't stand walking in the house--and immediately going through it like cat on crack-picking up organizing for an hour before I am able to relax...Like we left this morning..as soon as I get home..I will work non stop I know for an hour. That's weird. I need to be able to let it go. But I can't relax...watch TV, hang with my kids or guy friend when I see stuff that needs done. DH was an organizer and kept things running smoothly. But he also had lots of junk..clutter... I think I am just so busy that I can't stand wasting 30 minutes...if I am home between work-games...those 30 minutes should be spent doing housework. --I try to cram in as much stuff as possible in every minute of the day. Not really a bad thing...but its neurotic..OCD...Need to mellow out...

I have been to a few weddings and funerals now solo...my security blanket I take a kid. Just one...used to always be my daughter but now she's learning it's not that fun so I drag one of my boys. Maybe one of your older 2?? Anyway...it always gets my mind off being solo at these events...one kid is a great conversationalist and the younger two people usually think are "cute"... I always end up staying longer and a kid is pissed by the end of the evening so I always have a way to bolt if needed. In fact...I have never taken a date...always a kid. Not all of them...just one poor soul at a time gets dragged to these things with me.😊

Ok...I know we are never the same...but this is for those a little further out..who have rebuilt, started a new life, etc. May have a significant other..may not...But have recovered from loss in their own way. Do you now have a need for order? Meaning...I can't stand clutter...I want things in my house in certain spots...things looking clean, fresh, alive, etc. I was not this way before widowhood. It also may be compounded but recovering from pills too...but I think the widow aspect plays a part in it. All of that is good...being clutter free etc. But mine has gotten more and more almost neurotic. I have 3 kids, work shuffle them every night. The house is bound to get messy, etc. They honestly now do help me out. But since I got home this evening I have been going non stop. Like I can't relax and watch TV if anything needs done. So it's been nonstop with my kids helping me. I am not normally an anxious person at all....But I am working if this sense of "order, new, alive, clean"... Is my anxiety that if I keep things in the right place, etc...I won't suffer a loss again... or it's a control thing or something?? Like I can't sleep if I know Sonething else needs done. This was never my personality before. Anyone gone through this? Or do these things?

I left early for a class yesterday...he didn't get tenth...he was sixth. There was just a 4 way tie for six (So instead of 10 places they have only six so they had enough medals) I have to much smashed in my brain currently....I am easily confused.

Youre not a bitch. It's called transference. Your are angry at your DH for dying... But transfer your anger to someone else. Kinda a defense mechanism. I was angry at my husband for dying from suicide for 4 years. But I took my anger out on the world (usually to myself) Angry at women whining about their husbands...angry at spoiled children...angry at everyone. I was an internal bitch. It's ok..we get it.

Well not little he's as tall as me. Big 3 county golf tournament today. The kids are out of school all day...my son going into the tournament was seeded 4th out of 150.--Based on all the cumulative scores from the season)... He said on the way there today " Mom I am the only kid in top 10 that doesn't have designer clubs, shoes, bag. " (He's uses his Dads golf bag and shoes (yea my kid wears a 12)...Clubs my brother and I have gotten off Ebay...and a wheel cart that he found on the curb for trash pick up 3 years ago that we took. His goal was to place in the top 10 today. It's the toughest course in 3 counties. My response "Yep and that's part of your power" He's also the only one that wasn't on the expensive Callaway tour this summer. So me and my goofy brother (imagine a Jim Carey movie-that's how my brother acts) rode around today watching. He didn't golf that well....I saw balls go in the creek, hit trees...but he stayed mentally tough. He met his goal...he made it to top 10...placing 10th (but got a medal and pic in paper). It wasn't his best day....but to make it in top 10 today (and come in with a 4th seed ranking) in a sport where most the top 10 kids golf every weekend at a country club...I was damn proud. And I heard a few people calling him " Happy Gilmore"....not sure if it was meant as a compliment or insult...but I guarantee they will remember him when the season rolls around next fall.

From what I am reading it sounds like your inner voice "gut" is already telling you the answer. I don't like men (and same goes for women) who bad mouth there exs...Especially so early on. I think it shows character when a person takes the high road especially when dealing with kids and the other parent. For me....that kind of unnecessary drama that early on....big old red flag. Personally I would run for the hills since I didn't have much time/emotio put into the relationship yet. That's me...But you are the only person who knows what's right for you.

Ok...from a recovering addicts view....(Even though I never had legal trouble my one close friend who knew...was still there for me but it took time) Yes...you should forgive her...but keep your guard up and be cautious. I had to really earn back trust from my family, neighbors and my one friend who knew...the first 6 months seemed like a probationary period. It didn't happen overnight. I had to prove myself and my commitment to being clean. After about 18 months...it was almost back to the way it was before. Your relationship may get back to where it was....or it may never. Depends on Individual circumstances. My one friend who knew (and I was stealing pills out of her medicine cabinet) and I are now as close as ever. But I proved myself. I attended her kids weddings, bridal showers, graduation parties...I proved that I was now there for her. I stop by weekly checking on her...giving her clothes from my daughter to her 4 year old granddaughter. But she was nice in the beginning....but kept her distance in the beginning and I don't blame her. My family did too. Noe I have to remind them that I am in recovery (especially my family they want to pretend those years never happened)... it's tough to stay clean/sober...But it can be done. But many unfortunately do fall off the wagon the first year...so I would forgive but keep up boundaries. If she relapses you don't want drug into that emotional roller coaster trust me.

Way to go!!! So happy for you and your son!!!

It's going great...but coming in the middle of the week with no plans was challenging. I think I pulled it off. Going in Sunday to work on plans, labs, decorate the room, etc. I collect cool rocks and have tons of plants in my home.. So bringing some to the classroom.. This really nice retired teacher who subs at the school all the time has kinda taken me under her wing. Except today after school..my younger 2 walked over from elementary school to ride home (Bossy boy of course is too cool to ride with his Mom and rides home with our neighbor whose a Senior) Anyway..she's making over the kids and says "Is your husband a teacher in the county so he's home to help with the kids?" Smile and pause ..."No he's deceased"... bless her heart....She looks horrified...looks at the kids (who are paying no attention) and says "Ob dear...so it's just you and the kids? Oh how tough on them"(...as she's backing herself out of the classroom toward the door)...So I say "No really it's been 8 years...it's ok..We are great..Kids are fine" She continues to back herself out of the room..."Oh well you have a good weekend "... And off she went. It just reminded me how being widowed still can make the lay public very uncomfortable. Of course....I could've said "Oh really it's fine...since he died I developed a severe addiction to painkillers that almost killed me, but have been in recovery for almost 4 years now...I got clean after my 5 month marriage to an alcoholic crumbled...but now I have a great dude who screws my brains out every weekend" ;D But of course I didn't.

Eh gawd...Is her boss younger like in his 20's or so? Younger than you anyway? I have found that for some bizarre reason younger men--Feel they are complimenting older women (I am referring to any of us in upper 30's 40's) if they call you a MILF. The only time I heard that term used was the 3 weeks I was on the dating these 20 something guys would call me that and I blocked them. I honestly think these morons thought it was ok to say it. The boss sounds immature and unprofessional. If I was a betting woman I would guess he's in his 20's.

I love it!! But I admit I am also worn out. First 2 days on my feet teaching all day...establishing that fine line between being the fun teacher and setting down boundaries and control. Best compliment I have gotten..my son this evening told me "Mom you have more control and respect in the classroom than half my teachers...The kids (his friends) actually listen and are learning from you"... this is my kid who is usually my worse critic....and has never me in "work professional mode" (I always compartmentalized work and he had no idea my work ethic.--He just sees the fun living Mom side.. I am glad tomorrow is Friday though.

Yea....if you have ever read previous posts of mine I am a big believer in things happening when they are supposed to. My case management job was cutting hours...and the hours were like some evenings/weekends...it was a pain with kids evening activities. My sons class has gone through 3 Teacher's this year already in science. They have someone hired for the position but she's also the county audiologist and the board won't let her switch until someone is hired in her place. Probably not till January..possibly next spring. I have a K-8 undergraduate degree. I am taking a night class to get my full certification renewed (because I have done other jobs over the years)... I was thinking.. "ok next year...I am going to apply full time for an elementary position".. My son told me to apply for this long term sub...yesterday went and talked to principal...and he told me I could start tomorrow. It's tough...I am starting from scratch with lesson plans/activities. I know most of the kids. After 6 days they will pay based on my educational level (MA 15) so the added $$$$ will be nice. Lord this is going to be interesting.

I think moderation is key.....If your house is a shrine of your DW DH...Anyone would feel uncomfortable/insecure... A few tasteful family or a photo with DH:DW and a child...No biggie. The kids want it...it's their home too. At least that's how I look at it. Of course when I was 23 I dated a 32 year old divorced guy who still had several family photos framed...and it didn't bother me. But that's me.

The dozen more are kid photos. Only 1 of DH and the kids.

I have one 8x10 downstairs in front of fireplace (along with a dozen more) of DH and I with the boys (before daughter was born) I have a wedding photo (small and framed) that used to be in my daughters room but for some reason she moves it to my window in the bathroom off my bedroom. I just leave it to make her happy. NG jokes that he never wants to use that bathroom cause DH is watching him go. lol. And my daughter has a collage in her room framed and he's in 2. That's all I have...But it's been a long time for me. NG doesn't care. I posted a pic on FB of him with a little tribute from the kids (but it was not sappy lovey Dovey)... NG said it was nice. But he lost his Dad at age 7 and thinks it's important that the kids see/know about there Dad.

I love pics...We have at least 10 Albums on a shelf in the family room. DH is probably only in about 10 percent of them (and they are in no particular order) It's been 8 years....we talk about him in casual conversation as well...That's it. My daughter has a collage in her room framed with about 12 pics...he is in 2. The boys have none (but that aren't into pics like we are) but did have a huge collage of him from the funeral the first year after he died. My daughter for some bizarre reason wants a small 3x5 wedding photo in a cheesey Crystal frame in my bathroom off my bedroom. lol...it's kinda covered some with plants in the window. Every time I would move it to her room she would move it back. So it's there....NG thinks it's cute...She doesn't remember her Dad at all (really only 1 of 3 kids do and it's vague).. so pictures don't bother me at all...NG lost his Dad when he was 7.. So he gets it too.

Thanks guys. This week I am back to my reality normal...And it's a humid 85 degrees with scattered rain showers-back to summer weather. But it's always...for the past 8 years...Beautiful fall 65-70 degree sunny weather from the 24-27. The seasons changing to fall still gets me. I think it probably always will.

I have thought a lot about this...and actually NG and I had our first conversation about this (We are a long way off from marriage/cohabitating but have started to discuss practical/kids/house issues. Glad we had it. He admitted that his home to take years to sell in his area..and when he bought it it had been on the market a while. I made it clear (Again) that while I love his home/land my kids would not be happy away from friends, neighbors, school. He was here this weekend and noticed how my house is the hAng out for all 3 of my kids friends and agreed they wouldn't be happy in the country. He said he would wait....that we could date/exclusively till the last one is out of high school (uh that's 10 years)...Or if it ever happens and we ever married-live separately till he sold his place...he would move up here (which puts him an hour from work instead of 5 minutes where he is now)...He would build on an addition to the house...and with any leftover money get a small vacation home somewhere (my house Willl also be paid off in 2 years). I am really glad we had this conversation...I am sure there will be many more before that time ever comes...But I have learned it's important to be on the same page early on. Personally....being married but living separately In your case may not be a bad idea for a while.

Ok...I read this wrong...I thought it was the youngest (the girl who was 4) who was now a Senior. I thought the rest has graduated...It's the oldest son...so there would be 3 more kids after him. Shit...that puts a different spin on it.

Ok so your youngest was 4...you reconnected and found love again 5 years later so she was 9...So I am guessing she's 17 now Senior year...So you've been dating 8 years before you remarried new love in Idaho? Or is my math off? At any rate...8 years is a long time so it does sound like you know what you want and he's been patient. As a woman...I was say "Yeah you need to move" As a Mom...I say "Shoot what's 9 more months?". Senior year...moving a kid middle of school year...that sounds disastrous! At this stage of my life...the Mom always wins...I would personally wait...you have an endpoint..a goal...it's very doable. Nine months isn't that long to wait. (if you had a 9th grader...that would be a different story). But that's just me.

It's usually a quiet cry then exhaustion. For some reason...the 24th-27th is always super busy (boys at homecoming game, oldest dance, then his buddies spending night...Sat is the walk..then 2 baseball games...then middle sons party... And the cloud over my head. It's also always very nice...sunny beautiful 70 weather...every year (and I love fall)... but I selfishly wish it would rain or be cold or really hot...Something different.. But life is good..it's a new day...by next week everything will be completely back to my now reality. (Which is good)