Sugarbell

Lol! IRL I am pretty mellow but I will say the only reason I am keeping quiet is my younger 2 have 2 more months of school and I still need to attend a few end of the year Stepford school functions. I am never around the place much at all..As crazy as it is...it's been a good gradual transition out of here. And I am still realizing that I have been living in some kind of alternate reality for 16 years living here (really 8..after DH died it become very apparent..but he named the place Stepford when we first moved here in 2000). A lot of it...you have the entire population/school in about 7 blocks (except my neighborhood-which I love is the country transplants outta town). Tiny high school of 600 kids grades 7-12 and tons of cliques and in fighting. Where we are moving...the high school is much larger...town larger and kids are bused in from up to 30 miles away. People scattered everywhere-more competitive, less superficial with money...and everyone (mom and dad) work. I am realizing just the logistics of Stepford lend itself to be Stepfordite. On complete overload right now...But I know the light at the end of the tunnel makes it worth it. My oldest is so happy and constantly smiling down there-his last school year in Stepford he looked so sad and was losing his spark.

My house was grand central station for years for kids. The doors have been closed for several months due to work I am having done... And my 2 younger ones here could really use a play date/overnight to break up the craziness. Nope not happening. Even worse...my daughters 2 close little friends keep asking her "When can we come to your house and spend the night?"--She told them no kids since we are getting work done. I am not around Stepford much-on the road constantly and I can't hit the wives up to have my kids over. My son....his supposed best friend told him he was having him over to celebrate his birthday and they were going to a surprise prof basketball game. But the next day he said "No you aren't invited because my Mom is good friends with these 2 Moms so I have to have them instead". My son was crushed. Stepford wives suck. My other son who has moved has never been happier and can't believe how nice the kids are in his new school. Going to bite my tongue....I want to leave Stepford on a positive note.

Oh SVS...I am so sorry. It does seem like when it rains it pours. You need a good nights sleep...When I am exhausted (physically and mentally) it does a number on me too. Sending strength to you and the kids.

Thanks guys...but it won't stop her. Seriously...I am having flashbacks to high school...starting at 14 I got severe headaches, leg cramps-horrible pain. I had cat scans run..MRI... It was the stress of dealing with her and our toxic relationship (she was a high school teacher where I was in school..and it was a major mess) Once I left...headaches, pain gone. Lately within 5 minutes of being in her presence and her ways of making me feel inferior-the pain 30 years later is back. She's a trigger...I won't relapse and take a pill but she's toxic to me (not to the rest of the world...charming, beautiful and as phony as a 3 dollar bill). Thank God I still have my Dad. I am just shaky right now and had to get this poison outta my head.

Damn...I feel like a walking firecracker ready to explode! And as soon as I get rested and feeling normal (always Sunday evening I know it's time to start over again) I am handling new job... The 100 mile commute..:the emotions letting go of the house/improvements...looking for new place. My oldest is doing great...made schoo baseball team...has friends... My Mother is pushing me over the edge. She's crazy and I know reads my stuff on here.../but this was always my reservation with moving to my childhood hometown. I left at 18....It's like moving back to a whole new place because I have been gone 25 plus years: The pros outweigh the negatives....hands down a better community/school for my kids. If my Mom doesn't send me over the edge. I will protect myself...but lord it's a real reminder why I left. It wasn't my old friends or people....it was her. Not going to elaborate (like I said she reads my posts ultra control freak)... just send me strength the next few months. I need it!

I probably am to an extent...much more so than I was 9 years ago. But...if someone has a real problem..my empathy is high. For some reason IRL..people lately lean on me when they are having major setbacks..illness, family falling apart, financial strain..serious problems with kids. I am the go to person...I got their back....But I also have a low threshold for bullshit. Stupid problems...I am not mean..but I go into my own little world and literally ignore the conversations. This journey has made me more empathetic to real life issues that matter..I am aware and am there for those people. But the drama bullshit catty stuff...I am not the person to participate. period. I do keep personal life private. If I share something on FB..its usually kid or house related right now. I don't discuss my personal romantic life. I don't whine or participate in ridiculous whining of bullshit. And I have been known to walk away right in the middle of a conversation if I think its ridiculous. You are not hardened...You are wiser..You are more authentic....There is a difference.

The past 18 months....I've become a pretty good girlfriend. I am loyal, adventurous, help with his occasional yard projects, am a good mentor to his adult college age daughter (who I only see about once every 3 months)....Support the teams he coaches...never nag or demand where he is-Accept his faults and he accepts mine (like he's chronically late..and has too much junk in his house). But I would be a horrible wife at this stage of my life....And all those things would irk the hell outta of me if I were a wife. But I am a great girlfriend....Wife too much work right now. Someday....not now. And he is the same way.😊

I agree the dating pool is not what it was in my 20s single with no kids. And yes...some guys will freak out at the situation...And some won't. But really....when it got overwhelming with me...it wasn't so much about the guys out there-it was with me. And I needed a break from all of it...took 2.5 year break...When I got back into it...I knew exactly what I was looking for....I stopped worrying about what a potential date might want. In a good relationship....but at times it's still stressful--cause my plate is so full. But he gets it...as best he can. Also when my kids were really smell it was more overwhelming than now. Maybe take a break??? Don't think about it.... they are out there....don't settle.

It's funny Trying...my NG has been saying the same thing, but he knows I need to do it. Over the weekend, I was too tired to deal with anything social...he didn't come up till last night (per my request) My weekend consisted of driving hundreds of miles back and forth between two towns...shuffling kids...in between house stuff, laundry...I was absolutely worn out. He came up last night, made us dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. Because he knew....I was ready to collapse. Splitting my kids into 2 counties/schools/homes...working 50 miles away from home one way..starting new job, spending 2 nights a week in town I work (staying at my folks house,my Mom stays at my house on those nights with my younger 2)--Contractors in and out of my house...selling my house, worried about my kids at different schools. My boys are handling it great...they have baseball, etc..and I am on the go constantly. My daughter had major meltdown this morning...Crying "I don't want you down there and me up here...This is getting stupid" I will be up there Tuesday and Wednesday..back here Thursday...home Friday and Sat...back here to return my oldest for practice Sat evening...Sunday home..Monday start over. I told NG "I am not a very good girlfriend right now...I feel like I am split so many ways..and I have nothing left to give" So far he is handling it..He gets it....Time will tell if he can hang with my life..but so far so good. Just worried about my poor little daughter

I get all of this.. I am too tired to write much out....But I get it. I am on emotional and physical overload. Even for me.

It feels good doesn't it?😊😊😊 So proud of you and how wonderful your son is doing well. Healing takes fine and patience....and you are so on the right track!!

I read somewhere years ago about a hormone called cortisol that when faced with extreme stress--too much of this gets produced (can't remember in the brain or pituarty gland) High cortisol levels can cause extreme fatigue and depression. I always wondered tf that hormone caused so much of my faitque the first few years.

It's pukey. But that's just me. Usually those who start a conversation with "hey sexy or whatever"... Are not real bright. Just my limited experience years ago online

Yes you do deserve a night...I know the Mommy guilt just pulls at all of us! I am experiencing it now with my daughter (the boys don't seem to pull at me like she does) Spending 2-3 nights a week outta town for work (I see my oldest on these nights) other 2 my Mom keeps. Yesterday she said "This job is just stupid can't it wait till we are moved?"... plus I think she's the only kid in her class Friday who won't have a Mommy present at her classroom Valentines Day party (Cause it's Stepford...she won't have this problem anywhere else...but literally her class has 20 classroom Moms cause no one works) Try taking DD for a manicure. I took my daughter to the mall Sunday afternoon for a girls day. She had her nails painted for VDay and it only cost 7.00. and she was happy. Good luck! solo parenting is hard on the heart.💜

I enjoy having a male friend as a companion to do things with. We are honest and exclusive. At 44...with 3 school age kids....I honestly see nothing but stress and a headache if you throw in marriage or just living together even. But that's just me. That was my attitude 2 yrs ago, 1 year ago and today. Don't see it changing anytime soon. Blending kids, homes, finances, living arrangements, customs, etc. Lord just thinking about it gives me a migraine. When my kids are older possibly...I will have the energy/focus to do it. Now...that is uneccessary stress I don't need. It shocks me IRL that people look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them I don't want to be married right now. Really...I don't understand the appeal at this stage of my life.🙄

My paternal grandma died when I was 7 or 8. Only was around her a few times...did go to the funeral...and she lived several hours away deep in the mountains. My Moms family did too...My Dads family was very very poor...my Moms family probably one of the most well to do in the county. Anyway...paternal grandma has been coming to me in dreams for 20 years. And it's vivid usually when she's worried about one of her kids..Last time I heard from her was this summer...she uses symbolism and I knew one of her kids was going to die. From the symbolism used..I knew it was my Dads older brother. He died the next day. So last night she comes again (and we are always in her house..this tiny house where the rooms are separated by old sheets. And my cousin whose my age is there taking care of her parents (my Dads youngest brother) and my grandma wants me and my kids to sleep on the couch and stay too. And I keep telling her it's too crowded..and she says you need to stay. Then I see a sign outside saying a local church is renting out at my Moms home (which was like a plantation farm) for 3.00 a night. Then I wake up. I know my Mom and I have been house hopping with my moving and kids in different towns. But I can't figure out who my grandma is worried about or if someone is going to die. If you think I am full of nonsense that's ok too-just needed to write this out so I don't forget it in days to come.. Sigh.

Thanks everyone. He's been there 2 weeks and loves it. I started work down there last week and stayed a few nights at my folks house so spent time with him. My Mom was here with my other 2...I am doing 2 nights a week down there and 3 nights a week up here during the week. Feel like a have joint custody with my parents lol I lloved being down there with work::/it's like q whole new community:::I haven't lived there since a graduated high school. But I know it's where all of us at this point in our lives are supposed to be. But boy was the next 5 months are going to be tough::.on everyone.

I agree...Having gone through this with two of my kids...particularly my daughter was 3 1/2 it was much easier. Hell, she doesn't remember anything before age 4. Now she's 8...and watches every move I make. Literally. Its totally different. If my kids remembered my early years of sleepovers (first 4 years of widowhood-she doesn't even remember the loon I was married to for 5 months) I would be in serious trouble. Of course the past 4 years....I have been "Lily White" and NG is on the couch most nights. But that's because of my guilt from the first 4 years and wanting to make amends and re-earn trust. If those first 4 years had never happened....I wouldn't sweat it.

Nothing to add...you've gotten great advice. The smartass in me says "Ignore him back..go on with yourself"--But that just opens a can of worms..and he wont like it..then you all will fight, have an argument, the juvenile shit will continue. I would just face to face dump him. You deserve better.

Different strokes for different folks. Now...that I am pretty well healed after 8 years...really I am the same as I was in the love department before I married DH. We dated 2 1/2 years....we were only engaged 6 months..but we really knew what we wanted after 3 years total. NG and I have been together 1 1/2...and its been slow and steady just like I was with DH. I don't have that sense or urgency that I had in my broken years. (when I rushed and got married to a man I knew for 6 months..had only seen once a month during those 6 months...and the marriage lasted a whopping 5 months ) Depends on the person, life circumstances, etc. But I still caution jumping into "Love" and "forever and forever" too soon. The roses, lollipops and unicorns fade..then when reality hits...its a wake up call. But that's me. But that was me before I was widowed too.

I am really shocked at myself...He is my most outgoing independent kid. He's been going to church camp for a week by himself since 3rd grade. He's at my folks for long weekends during hunting season, summers, etc. But never during the week during school. It's been just me for so many years-I know what his assignments are, teachers, friends, etc. I know a lot of teachers at his school now from high school. Some of my old friends have sons his age and they have helped so much. Honestly it was the realization that he needed more than just "I " could give him. My Mom is a retired teacher...my brother a workout trainer...they can give him the attention, structure, challenging classes that he couldn't get here--With 3 kids and all of our running every evening...I could tell that he was no longer challenged. Seriously I have cried for months because I knew he needed more than What's here. His new school has a no phone policy (yes in Stepford kids are allowed cell phones in class all day...my mom said his friends up here were texting and calling all day while school was in...luckily he has to leave it at my folks. He said the kids are more down to earth and nicer (it's a big school but rural lots of buses..he rides the bus from my folks house). He's in 8th grade math and reading ..(he's in 7th) and they bus kids in the morning to high school once they test out of those classes (he's in 7th). Everyone in Stepford makes straight As (if you have a pulse and show up) But the average ACT score is 15!!! I mean he wasn't in any kind of trouble YET...but it was definitely a breeding ground for it. His 11 year old brother really misses him too. Honestly...he's kinda like the glue for all of us (yes I know he's 13..and it's embarrassing admitting this..he's an old soul..hard to explain). We are the ones adjusting...he's happy and fine. And even though my heart hearts a little...I really feel a peace I haven't felt for him in almost a year. And I feel his Dad around him constantly. He's the 4 year old who knew when his Dad passed, how he passed and where to find him. There's a connection there I logically can't explain. He's going to do great things....but he needs a village not just me. (My other 2 kids are just normal age appropriate kids...he's not...he's never been a "kid")

When I first got an FB account (2008) I had widow. I was a newly widowed Mom. But with that "status" came lots of creepers, etc. Mine has been blank for years. Been in a relationship for a year and a half...no need to put it all over FB. Just blank...NG is blank. But we are both private with certain aspects of our personal life. Do whatever you want. Safest bet though is to leave it blank.😊

My oldest is staying with my folks and going to school there. He loves it...it's a great school...he wants to play baseball for them this spring-It was absolutely the right decision to let him go early. I start work down there next week...he's coming home every weekend. He has spent weeks at my folks in the summer...it never bothered me that much. But it was summer. This is killing me-I miss him. I know I am driving my folks crazy calling...I want to hear about his day, new friends, etc. he works out with my brother in the evenings-he's really doing well (and it's a large school they have him in advanced classes so he's challenged thank goodness). But my heart aches...just a little. Damn when my kids go away to college I will be a basket case. 😩😩😩

Maybe you all could compromise and be Episcopalian ? DH Dad was Catholic and Mom raised Baptist...and they compromised. DH pretty much used to tell me "We are just Like Catholics...but everyone can take communion, divorced people can get married in the church, women can be priests and priests can get married--and we like gay people.😊" But the actual service was very formal and I believe almost identical to Catholic Mass except everyone takes communion.

That's a mind screw to you. Sorry I know my bluntness is not always appreciated..but please be careful.