CJF

TooSoon, I am going on 7 years in a few weeks and can so relate to much of what you wrote, especially these items: "I am so full of "should haves" right now." "No one in my family ever really acknowledged my grief. It was important in my world that I appeared to have it all under control." "I was so determined to keep on going and to see silver linings that I'm not sure I took care of myself very well." I think about some of the things I did and the way I handled things these past years and I should have made myself and my grieving more of a priority. I was so busy being strong, not only for my kids, but to make it appear that way for everyone around me. Now I think that was not only detrimental to my health, but pushed people away from offering help when we really needed it. I think I handled everything the best I could at the time, but now I know I should have done things a little differently. I am not as strong as everyone now thinks I am and as I am getting older, I see the toll the stress has taken. Thanks for sharing your thoughts - it got me thinking as well.

Sorry friends! I wasn’t much of a shipmate!! I fell asleep way before midnight. Happy new year to you all!!!! Maybe we’ll catch the rocket ship same time next year!!!

I remember the rocket ship!!! I was part of that ride!!! How about it stops here in Pittsburgh to pick me up? I’ll be wearing my pjs so no fancy tinfoil dress but I’m ready to go!!!!

I will probably be sleeping. We never made any major plans for New Year's and I have been keeping that tradition for the past 7 years!!! LOL.

I cooked all day and took it all over to my parents to have dinner with them. They are elderly and in failing health so it was a very quiet evening. Then went to my daughters to exchange gifts and it ended up disastrous. She and my son in law surprised me with airline tickets to visit a friend in may for my birthday. She was not happy with my reaction and they wouldn’t understand my reasons for feeling the way I do about it. So left there crying and am now in bed crying. So yes I’ve had an underwhelming Christmas Eve also.

Thought I'd put this out there and see how others handle this. Do you still make a point of seeing the in laws on Christmas Eve/Day if that is what you did prior to your spouse's death? Christmas Eve had always been an issue for us because both our families celebrated on that day. It was a source of arguments for many years and most years I gave in and rearranged being with my family to accommodate his. I have tried to continue at least stopping in to the inlaws celebration in the last six years since DH died, but it is getting harder, as my parents are getting older and my sister lives out of town. I missed theirs two years ago, and cannot attend this year as they are planning it for the same time as my family. This made me wonder what others do? Thanks for any responses!

Our first Christmas, we too wrote letters and put them in his stocking. We still do each year and after 6 years the stocking is getting quite full! I also remember NOT doing our usual traditions. We did what we wanted without the normal obligations to family, which really helped us alot. We just weren't ready to participate in the usual traditions.

I went back the third week for a few hours each day and then I think full days the fourth week. My then supervisor was not the most understanding and I felt if I didn't go back my job could be jeopardized. Looking back I think I should have taken more time to get myself somewhat together.

I can relate as well. My son was 12 when we lost his father. He is now 19 and in college. He has no trouble socializing with his peers, but to have to interact with adults or authority figures - forget it! He avoids it at all costs. He procrastinates on everything and doesn't want to deal with adult responsibilities. Not sure how much has to do with losing his father at a young age or is normal for a 19 year old but it is challenging! I have to believe that our kids will get there - maybe they just need a gentle nudge more than others would. And considering all they've been through that is probably understandable. Baby steps.....

Thanks all for the great suggestions and advice!!! I am going to try making more of an effort and get involved in some of the things you all mentioned, including taking a good look at what has been holding me back. Sometimes it's good to get other's perspectives to force you to take a good look at yourself and your own insecurities.

Trying - So true!! Never really thought about it that way but you are so right. Makes me feel a little more "normal"!! Klim - thanks for the suggestions. I do look at the meetups in my area but haven't gone to any. Maybe I need to push myself more as I am sure that is a good way to make some new friends. My hobby has always been fixing up my house - painting rooms, redoing furniture, gardening. But doing that for the past 6 1/2 years pretty much leaves me with nothing left to fix!! LOL. Maybe it's time to move on to a new hobby. Needytoo - I agree - I think the trust issue is what is mostly holding me back from dating. When I am ready maybe I'll just have to jump right in and see what happens. Thank you all for the suggestions, advice and making me feel a little more normal! LOL

Congratulations!! I am sure it wasn't easy but from reading your posts, it sounds like it was the right decision for you!! I admire you for being strong enough to do it!!!

I was reading another thread that got me to thinking about my current situation and I need a place to lay it all out, so here goes. I have been miserable. I think I hide it well, although I am not even sure why I feel the need to hide it. Maybe because I have a hard time being vulnerable. It will be seven years here and I feel like I've already been through all the different feelings, emotions, ups, downs that I could possibly go through. But yet lately I feel lost. I work full time, help care for my elderly parents, take care of my house and my dog. My daughter just got married and is out on her own. My son is away at college. That was an adjustment for me - to be living alone. I miss the noise and the hustle and bustle of kids coming in and out of my house. The few friends who stuck by me are busy with their own husbands and families so although we text often, we don't get together to do things and I get tired of always being the one to initiate the plans. My life feels empty and I am not sure where to go from here. I am consumed with worry - I nag my son too much. I think sometimes my lack of a life makes me get too involved in his and I am not sure how to stop. Not really interested in dating - probably because I won't let myself be vulnerable. I think I am afraid to fail. My marriage wasn't ideal and I put up with alot and I don't want to get myself back into a situation like that again. I wouldn't even know where to look if I did want to date. I still read here often - sometimes even though I don't post alot, the familiar names make me feel like I am actually keeping up with friends, as odd as that may sound. I often worry if I don't start living life soon, I am going to end up a very bitter person when I get older and regret all that I didn't do. It's just hard to find people to do these things with. I've thought about going back to therapy, but I don't know that that is the answer. That won't fix the loneliness. I wish there was a manual on how to "reinvent" one's life. Sorry for the rambling, but I needed to get this all out. Thanks for reading

I can so relate. Just remember you are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. That is all we can expect from ourselves. Hugs.

I have been a caregiver for as long as I can remember. My mom was paralyzed from a stroke when I was young so I grew up doing alot around the house that she could no longer do. I still had a memorable childhood but I think my role as caregiver started back then. As she and my dad have gotten older, I've taken on more and more. When my grandfather (step) was getting up there in age and no longer able to take care of himself, he went into a nursing home and I was the only one who visited him weekly and took care of things regarding his care. At the same time I was raising two kids and trying to keep my marriage together, while my husband resented the fact that I spent so much time caring for other people. He died almost 7 years ago, my daughter is now married and my son is off at college. I thought I'd be able to start putting my life back together and making myself a priority now, but my parent's need more and more help and I'm the only one here to give it to them, as my sister lives out of town. Sometimes I feel guilty for getting so stressed about caregiving, but it is definitely a tough job!!! Hugs to all of you doing it - it certainly is not easy!!!

I am in a similar caregiving situation and I know how exhausting it can be. I have been in a pity party mood for the past few days myself. I have no great words of wisdom to offer, except to know you aren't alone! I do find comfort in knowing that those we are caring for greatly appreciate what we do - so there's that!!

Your post sounds alot like me. It will be seven years soon and I am just now considering it. I have the same problem - when I know I am ready, where will I look? I don't think I am cut out for online dating. I would prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way, but not quite sure how that is done any more. Good luck to you on your search!!

I'm so sorry.

I get it too. Nobody acknowledges our anniversary anymore (it's been 6 1/2 years). Not sure if they truly don't remember or just think I should be "over it" by now. Hugs to you on this day.

Congratulations!!! So happy for you!!!

I too remember his posts. So sad to read this. My heart is breaking for his daughter and family. He sounds like an amazing man.

I 100% agree. I've learned to deal with most of the other issues that have come up since my husband died, but this is the hardest and loneliest thing for me.

Thanks for the replies. So sad that we all have to go thru this. The friend that I thought I could talk with about it that night never replied to my phone call or text, which made me feel even worse. That is what makes this site so great - you can always count on someone to lend an ear. It worked out after all and I got thru it - until next time.

I totally get how you are feeling. We just went thru this a few weeks ago. My daughter decided that I would walk her down the aisle and I agreed. I wasn't sure how it was going to go - if either or both of us would end up bawling the entire way down, but it went well. Neither of us cried, I think we were so excited and caught up in the moment. She had his picture in her bouquet. Instead of the father/daughter dance, my son and I danced with her. I kept telling myself that as much as he was going to be missed, I had to focus on my daughter and enjoying her day with her because I didn't want to cry all day and regret not having fun. She also had a candle with a picture of him on the entrance table. I hope your daughter's wedding day goes just as well!!!

Yes I do this all the time. I automatically assume the worst when I can't reach someone (especially my kids) because that is what happened the day my husband died. I tried calling all day from work and couldn't reach him so I left early and found him. I am not sure how to retrain my brain. My kids tell me I am paranoid, but I can't help it.