Forgottenwife

I posted a little crazy stuff too! It worked!! Being your genuine self is the best way to find someone who is right for you, but its ok to temper that with putting your best foot forward too. I met my Chapter 2 who I have been exclusive with now for more than three years on OKCupid. I thought OKCupid was good for many reasons: There was no limit to the number of people I could chat with, I could see where we had beliefs and attitudes in common, and I found the interface very easy. My partner is all that - funny, loving, interesting, passion for his work, reliable, kind and a great companion. Loves his Mom and all that. And he was just hanging out on OKCupid too! I had to put myself out there for rejection, weed through lots of weirdos, endure some unsolicited penis pictures, hear that I live too far or I was too fat or whatever. I also met lots of regular, successful men looking for a partner. I say take a chance and don't take the weirdos and the ghosters and insulting creeps too seriously.

Alice I am so very sorry for your loss and for the suicide story you have endured. I don't have the right words, so I just want to tell you to please take care of yourself and your baby. It can take some time to feel 'ok' and in my opinion, you should be gentle with yourself. I too lost my husband to suicide a little more than 5 years ago. We had been together since we were teenagers. And I also found his body. I had horrible days, confused days, days I don't even remember. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the grief of losing a spouse to suicide. I took care of myself and my children the best I could, that's all I could manage for a while. I knew I was fortunate to have an amazing dad, some good friends, and access to community resources. As you eloquently stated, 'processing grief is a deeply personal experience' so please trust that you will find the answers as you navigate this journey. I know you are already wondering what you will tell your boy. He has a long amazing adventure of his own that is just starting and I suspect this conversation will be a part of his story now and again. You'll be great, your love for your son shines through in your post. Because you mentioned suicide prevention activities, you may really enjoy participating, however you may not. Each person's experience is very different and one experience is not more right or wrong than the other. I have never been interested or comfortable doing any suicide prevention stuff or walks or raising money - I have deep respect for people and organizations that work in prevention, it is just not my thing and I am completely at peace with that decision. I hope other people here will share their thoughts on this with you. I guess I made it. I am more than ok. It took a long time. I am happy, I have real joy in my life, I sleep peacefully at night. I miss him, I remember him and see his smile every day in one of our kids that looks just like him. So its like I have the best of him right here with me. You got this. I'm so sorry you have to walk this path. Know there is joy and peace and sunshine for you and your sweet boy.

Cocktease is a pretty strong word! Nah, you are just politely chatting. Klim coffee dates sound fun, maybe you can decide based on why you think each one is a no? If you are just wasting your time and you absolutely know, for whatever your reasons are, that it is a no, then skip that one. I liked to put a time limit on coffee dates so before you even go, say you only have so much time and you have to be somewhere at a specific time. Then if it is awkward or just bad you can bail easily. Have fun!

So I have to create place cards for a sponsored event. A woman I casually know through work sponsored a table and was wondering out loud how she would like her table to read. She kept going back and forth between 'Mr. and Mrs. SoandSo' or 'Mrs. Jane SoandSo and Mr. Jack SoandSo' and she laughed a little and said 'I'm sure you can understand this!' My heart only skipped a couple beats and I quickly recovered. Really she is very nice and pleasant but why would she assume I can understand her dilemma? My table would say 'Ms. Onelady' because I don't have a partner for these sponsorship opportunities. I'm far enough out that it didn't bother me too much and she has no idea what my personal life is. Just curious that someone would go there. I'd like to think I would not assume that someone is coupled, or heterosexual, or single or anything. Maybe women of a certain age are assumed to have a husband? She's lovely and I know she meant no harm, its just weird. I am becoming more mindful of how I speak to others in my journey now.

Yuck. I said no to a few of these men and simply never looked back. He sounds pushy, and rude. I am certain you can do much better. No means no, not just keep trying to sweet talk me. Yuck.

Oh huge hugs, and I think I would just go ahead and freak out. This is the only thing in the world that I just cannot keep my cool about. Any chance you can go to the Doctor with him? Having all the available information and not getting it second hand later from him or his mom might help your fears a bit. We will be thinking of you - and of him as well.

Un-believable. Cruel, bitchy, and what a horrible person. I would be too stunned to speak. One thing for certain, she is the only person that should feel gross, seriously how do some people live with themselves? I agree with Portside, her actions speak to who she really is.

I would block any man that stood me up - you can do so much better.

I love this and agree whole heartedly! Me too!

I've been reading this and decided to chime in. I don't mean to seem harsh, I am just sharing a perspective. If it bothers you, it bothers you. There aren't really any 'shoulds' in feelings. This woman sounds like a great match for you and you obviously care deeply for her. Is there a reason you didn't want to be exclusive? Didn't want to cherish her as your own? She thinks you are the best man she knows and you have made a loving and positive change in her life. She has it together and is a good person. What woman are you waiting for? I can only speak from experience, to have a sexual relationship with a man and not have him express at the very least how meaningful and unique and beautiful I am, and that he wishes we would only be with each other, would be very hurtful. I don't think I could do it. Sex is the most intimate act two people can share and it joins us in a very profound way, there are feelings and reactions we are not even consciously aware of, as evidenced here. This is not an indictment on anyone or their actions, it is just how I feel. I don't think I could keep that up, and if he wasn't asking to be exclusive and to actually be in a relationship, I would certainly be compelled to keep looking. Regular sex and texts and conversations and being in one anothers lives is a relationship to me. I would be baffled as to why it wasn't being called that and I personally would be feeling used - as in I am for someones sexual comfort but they really didn't want the whole me. He wanted me for some things, but was keeping his options open for someone better. If my partner felt it was casual, I would leave the FWB. There are lots of stories of why FWB doesn't work for some of us (again, this is not for everyone.) My opinion, because you asked, is declare your love for her, tell her all your feelings, and if you so desire, ask her to be yours exclusively. Perhaps that is the question you should be asking yourself. Do you want her? If yes, then what is stopping you? Great matches don't come along everyday. Maybe FWB isn't your cup of tea either. For some of us, it hurts to share our partner.

I love this story! About a year after my husband passed away, a friend had a big social event. Her email invite went to an old address that was to my husband and I jointly so I got the invite as 'DH and ME so and so please join us at....' I was finally at the point that I didn't cry anymore. So at the event, she starts apologizing profusely and stating that she didn't mean to be insensitive and she didn't mean to email my dead husband and luckily a great friend chimes in and says 'I'm pretty sure he didn't respond to the email, and he's not gonna be here either.' I lost it with laughter. We laughed until we cried while everyone else looked horribly uncomfortable. I know my laughter was inappropriate to some, I needed it and for some reason it was hilarious. P.S. I still get invited to parties so I think its ok.

Haha well this thread says vents and laughs, this definitely gives me a laugh. They designed the block feature with this guy in mind, I learned to block these people right away. 11 years is no big deal in my opinion, but more importantly, what do you think? If you enjoy chatting with him and he seems interesting and fun, is 11 years a deal breaker for you? Its your opinion that really matters.

What??? So is he saying you need a REASON to not want to fool around with him? That is how I am interpreting this statement. 'No' is all the reason you need. And yes, we can have a romance period before jumping into bed. Its about finding someone who wants similar things.

Hi piecesofapart, welcome back. This roller coaster of grief is hard, I'm glad we can still come here.

Haha haha ohmygosh, I can see this happening to me and my sister would lose her mind! I'm sure this will be a great story to share in years to come when families are reminiscing. This is the best ;D Thank you so much for the laugh, I am glad you shared this today.

Hi Mizpah. I am at work so I will just fire this off because I don't have time to formulate a post. I haven't weighed in here but I am in a very similar situation. I am living with my chapter 2 and he is wonderful and loving and he has made it quite clear that he is not ever interested in marrying me. I don't want to just leave. I love him. I can relate 100% to your saying that it breaks your heart. Its like he just doesn't want me to be his wife. He asked me once if it was that important to me and if it was, he would think about doing it for me and I refused that crappy and hurtful offer. I told him the only way I would ever get married again is if he couldn't wait for me to be his wife, and he just does not feel that way. We have talked about it quite openly, he says it is not me, he never wants to officially marry anyone again. He sees no reason to do that (we are older and cannot have any more children and we both have kids from previous marriages.) To hear my lover say he will not marry me is painful. I refuse to discuss it anymore, it just hurts too much. I have come to a peace with it. I understand too that its not that you may be able to 'get him to marry you,' its that he doesn't want it on his own. For that reason, I don't ask my lover anymore. I'll keep my accounts and estate separate. It sucks. I could just go on and on. When people assume we are husband and wife (and they do all the time) he says he likes it because we are comfortable together. And, he says he is completely committed to me, and he is loving and acts committed to me. It seems weird that he would want to be with me while I carry another mans name? Nope. He doesn't seem fazed. It would be so easy for me 'to just leave' as people say, but its not. And I am building a life with him more and more each week we are together. Its hard. I think you are brave for putting this out on the forum. I am just too chicken shit, I take it way too personally when people offer opinions sometimes. I wanted you to know I get it. From one widda to another, I get it. It hurts. Take care.

This is enough to politely decline. And you can do so with class as Portside so eloquently worded. I would be tempted to never see this person again - her rude attitude that you can't be present and part of family when her husbands family is over? I'm shocked. She sounds... gross. I would happily find something, anything else to do.

I can't even... what? :-[

This. I am an avid gun collector from a family of hunters and military members. I removed all of the guns from our home. I notified our family physician and doctors where my husband was receiving care. I told my husbands family and friends and requested help. Some of them tried. Some of them simply didn't know what to do. I watched him for days. I called the police. He's still dead.

Still, after nearly five years since my husband's suicide, I come here once in a while to read this amazing post by Trish K. I survived all the fear and guilt and horror, complete with coping from trauma and walking that awful road of the suicide survivor. Although I am so sorry that any of us have reason to be here, I am grateful we can share and support one another.

Hi Jenghes. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband to suicide after 22 years of marriage and 2 children. I am glad you and your children are physically safe. Please take care of yourself. I am not surprised you are experiencing triggers, a month is not very long and it takes a long time, I am sure different for each of us, to feel ok. It can and does get better. I found my own ways to cope - a SOS meeting for spouses, some individual therapy and connecting with others who had a similar loss. As others have experienced, I did eventually come to a new life. I'm ok now. Come here often if it helps. We understand.

I always found the most confusing messages were the unsolicited penis pics... Does that ever work?! I became expert at knowing the block feature on the sites I was on. And then I weeded through all the men and found a keeper. It was entertaining and funny and sometimes sad and lonely.

I do not like those kind of questions, they just seem awkward. Many of the dates that I have had from women that I have met online ask me if I want more kids and if I want to get married again. Those questions right off the bat are such a put off! I am glad you shared this view as I did not realize this could be off putting. To me, I know for sure I do not want more children. This will not change. I see these questions as a quick measure of possible compatibility. I once met and chatted with a man that wanted marriage and children. I may have enjoyed many, many things about him, but if we dated, I would simply be wasting his time.

I'm a little stumped. If you can't cry at your therapist's office, where can you? I don't even know how I would respond to a therapist that asked me this!

Thank you Amor.