Forgottenwife

Oh, I see myself here, but I admit that I was on the other side. I made my kids the number one priority all the time. I am now living with my NG, but I look back when we were still living apart and I did some things that could easily be interpreted as me not prioritizing my NG. I once changed a plane ticket to watch my kids' sports game, and I met my then boyfriend on vacation later. I would keep my phone with me ON DATES and dropped everything when my kids called. I could go on and on about this. Now, hearing from others how this feels, I see how my actions could be really hurtful to my partner. I am not trying to defend myself, just offering an explanation. My version was that my kids had been through so much, I needed to be there whenever they needed me. I wanted them to know I would always put them first. There's more of course... my husband (their Dad) killed himself while my son was on the field so I never missed a game, ever. Self reflection is hard. My therapist was surprised that my NG tolerated my actions. I have no problem saying that I love my NG very much. He is kind and funny and I am quite happy in my new life. I would be sad to know he felt neglected or that I just didn't care about his feelings. I was trying to juggle it all - take care of my own heart, apply balm on my kids' trauma, fall in love with this amazing man, figure out finances, all the stuff life had given me. I see now how lucky I am that my guy stuck around. Just offering my perspective. All that said? Trust your gut. You deserve to be adored.

Hi BambiGrk. Please take care of yourself. I lived a similar situation and I can relate to so many things in your post. My successful, loving husband also lived what you called a double life - he fell into IV drug addiction. My situation is a little different as my husband took his own life while grappling with several failed attempts at recovery. I'm reaching out to you here as wow, I can relate. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Yes, every grief and loss journey is different, yet there are those that can relate to the complications of addiction. For a long time, I was so angry. At him, at doctors, at society for judging, at death, at the pharmacy. I still call up some anger now and then and its been more than 6 years since he died. I told my therapist I didn't think I had a right to grieve, I didn't deserve sympathy, I literally wanted to die and I felt my life was literally destroyed. Your feelings are your feelings, there are no shoulds, and anger can be a part of grief. Loving your husband and being angry can go hand in hand right now. Try not to tell yourself you should or should not feel a certain way. I wish it was as simple as 'letting it go.' Please take care of yourself. I am so sorry for the circumstances of your husband's death. I am happy to share anything that may be of service to you.

Great Post! I too had some of these, and then life took its course and so many things changed for me. I am involved with my NG for almost five years now. I said 'I'll never move away from my community.' The trauma for my kids of losing their father was so great that I wanted to keep everything the same. Nope. I moved across town and have seen the possibility of moving to another state or country. I never thought this would be me!

My stepfather (just like a dad to me, he was wonderful) did just this a few times. Once the hospice nurse told us to call whoever wanted to come and this was the time. My stepfather was completely non-responsive for a day, he looked like he was simply sleeping. In the wee hours of the morning, around 3:30, he opened his eyes and asked me what I was doing in his room! He then demanded to be dressed and to have breakfast. Dad lasted 30 months in hospice care, with a few of these episodes. We just don't know. I hope your mom is comfortable and well taken care of. Sending you some peace today, its hard.

I met my Chapter2 online, and I met him on a free site. I think you can just check out all the different dating sites and maybe try one or two that you like or have a common interest in. Everyone's experience is different. I met more than one nice man online. I also met people through volunteering and through friends. I say keep an open mind and try to have fun!

Tybec, I'm sending love and peace to you as you say goodbye to your Mom.

This was my experience too. I met some interesting people and had fun. I even went so far as to introduce one of the men I met to a good friend of mine who was single, they were much better suited for one another than he and I were.

Oh, this is awful. I don't even really know what to say - sending positive thoughts that all goes well and you have the kids safely with you soon. I honestly don't know how I would handle this either.

First let me say - congratulations! Enjoy your wedding and your new marriage. I'm happy you get another chance at love. And then Ugh - so sorry this is happening! I lived through this as a child and it was awful. It was horrible to live with a mom that was angry at my dad all the time. There was always fighting and conflict. Sadly, I didn't get to see my dad get remarried to his now wife of more than 30 years, there was just constant drama. My father, to this day, is an amazing dad. On the personal side in your particular situation, I feel bad for all of you. What a bunch of crap to try and deal with another adult that pulls this kind of sick stuff on her own children. Their mom sounds awful and manipulative and truly mean, I just don't understand how anyone could consciously harm their kids like this. You are correct, she is hurting her children. Unfortunately for you, you can't control her, people like this won't see reason. I understand that it is triggering and causes stress. Are there things you can do for yourself to help minimize the stress and the panic attacks? This sounds simplistic, but recognizing she is crazy and may always be horrible might be all you can do. That may never change, I've watched this dynamic for 40 years. I like Mizpah's idea of imagine the worst case scenario for the wedding and legal issues to come and then be ready to handle just that, but still hope for the best. You've got this, you can do it. Your wedding is going to be beautiful and wonderful and there are just some things we simply have no control over. And then - I love weddings! There was a brief time after being widowed that I just couldn't bring myself to go but now I truly enjoy going and celebrating love and marriage. It is literally like a breath of fresh air in my life. I enjoy seeing how each couple/family makes the ceremony and celebration unique. Vows, music, kids involved, toasts or not - love is in the air! Try to relax and enjoy, just so happy for you. Your new husband to be sounds like a great catch.

I too think this is a great idea. I would go to this cafe. I could relate to the authors experience of her mother asking 'Why don't you have fun like normal people.' In my experience, I have had friends and family get super uncomfortable about death topics, among many people it is a quick way to shut down a conversation. I think this is why I have enjoyed hanging out with widowed people and similarly why I don't mind if people talk about grief over the loss of a parent or a loved one. It just doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. My parents perception is that all we do is lament our losses and just cry the whole time, but truly, we can cry a bit and then talk about the weather or our jobs or travel or anything else that comes up. Its so refreshing to be able to share something about death or grief and not have the person running away or thinking I am a weirdo for even having such a thought. ** Forgottenwife starts looking for death cafes in her area Thanks for sharing this link!

Yes! I live with my boyfriend and I have a joyous life and I still have DH's socks too! I have a piece of art hanging in my home that is significant in many ways from my first marriage, no one else would ever know or understand the meaning and I get great pleasure from it. Living this way doesn't even feel weird.

Huge hugs. I always dread the times that I have to get the death certificate out. Sending it to strangers sucks. Sorry you have to deal with it in this circumstance.

Ohmygosh, I am stunned and shocked for you. Wow. And you took that chance and moved and just bought a new house. I am so sorry.

I understand, sometimes I go there too, and I am a little over 6 years out. Every once in a while, I have an epic meltdown and I lie in my bed and just relive those days. I'm grateful that the waves aren't as high and I can refocus fairly quickly. I think what feeds it too is I ponder what my life is now as opposed to what I always thought, that I would grow old with my husband. Like you stated, everything is good in my life too. I don't question it anymore, those bad moments and what I call dark thoughts. Thank you for posting this and I'm grateful for this space here because when I try to express these things to others in my life, no one really gets it. I can't answer why yours happens, just wanted to say I understand and can relate.

Sorry this is your experience Rooshy, I cannot understand it at all. I have experienced something similar, but only with part of my husbands family. Your words, 'acts like we died with DH' really resonate with me. Some of my husbands relatives just stopped talking to and seeing my kids, no birthdays, holidays, graduations, even just normal condolences. I sent invites, emails, phone calls - nothing. I was hurt for my kids for a long time and I cannot imagine why anyone, especially adults, would do this. Kids lose their dad and then aunts and uncles and even grandparents intentionally add to the loss. My kids now have really strong relationships with the people that actually stuck it out with them. For the people that bailed, after so many years, they don't miss them at all. My kids are bit older than yours (youngest is almost 20) but when we do discuss these types of things I tell them this: 'Let this experience guide you in deciding the man you want to be.' My kids are fiercely loyal to their friends and the people who matter to them. It sucks they had to have family that are so blatantly cruel, and I am sorry for your kids that they are seeing some of this too. Any 'family' who can bail on kids that lost their Dad? Self-centered is putting it mildly.

Arneal, you are so right, figuring all the relationship stuff out is a process! Sounds like you made your NG's birthday celebration pretty great, I hope that is a new experience going forward for both of you. I too enjoying making a big deal out of birthdays.

Hi Klim, this sounds like my Chapter 2 relationship, although I am the one that head over heels, its been interesting! So in my opinion I have to say yes, we can fall head over heels ridiculously in love. I gotta say, my partner is not as intense as I am. Once we established a relationship, I wanted to spend a lot of time together (we didn't so much because I had teenagers at home and I parented first.) But, I want to be with this man all the time. We have been together more than 4 years now and I am crazy in love with this person, we jokingly call me a lovesick teenager. When we were living apart and dating, I just had to deal with the fact that he was not as intense as I am, he likes some space. We moved in together at about the three year mark, but before we did, we had a meeting of the minds so to speak. Lucky for us, we can talk about anything and one of his concerns was that I like way more time together and he needs some down time. I have to be understanding of that and I make sure he has time to himself. I have to be my own person and find things to occupy my time. You know, I never took it personally, people just have different needs. I think it is more than reasonable for you to just want time to do gardening, or laundry or just veg out. Were I in your situation, I think I would just talk to your guy and tell him you need some time and space to yourself, now and always to be a happy and healthy person. That is just such a reasonable request. Quick note, I imagine I would find a clinging goodnight behavior extremely unattractive. When something happens, with anyone, that gives me the creeps or as you said, leaves a sour taste in your mouth, I shut that down immediately. He's a grown man, I would be telling him to drop me off and say good night like an adult. I don't know, that is really uncool of him, and so not smart! You would think he would just want to say what a lovely evening he had and give you the best kiss ever, he's missing a great opportunity to leave you happy and secure. Not smart! I think I'd just have to tell him, if he can't handle it? Good luck. For me, communication is key.

I think it is a good idea, as you noted, to get your boundaries clear before you get married. Maybe it may be a good idea to decide why this is important to you though. Is it just because she is his ex wife? If it was your sister or a colleague or a neighbor that needed car help, would you object to that? I can't fix cars but I do have some skills in other areas and occasionally a family member or a friend will ask for my help. If it isn't more than an hour or two and I have the time to spare, sometimes I am happy to do it. Honestly, if my partner objected to me doing someone a favor, I think I would be pretty insulted. Just because people are divorced doesn't mean they have to stop being helpful. Your NG helping his ex may mean that she has more resources to help their kids. I have a good friend whos ex husband helps her out sometimes - car repairs, home repairs, surprise situations - he even took care of her mom after surgery for a day once. They don't like each other romantically anymore, but he and I have shared BBQ duties at one of their kids graduation parties. I am kind of impressed that they still have this kind of working relationship. The kids see that Mom or Dad needs something and their other parent steps up. It really does make the kids' lives so much easier. Not saying this is right or wrong for anyone else, it is just their lives. I have also seen situations where people never ever for any reason speak to their exes and under no circumstances would they do anything to help them out. Everyone is different. Maybe your NG is someone that wants to be there for the mom of his kids and try to help her out, therefore helping his kids out, when he can reasonably accommodate her. This is something I would definitely want to know before you move in together. Best of luck in navigating this, these things can be tricky to figure out.

Sorry, I just meant we are similar in living with a man that we wish would want to marry us, that is the part I can relate to. I understand its very different other than that part. I still wish you all the best!

Huge hugs Mizpah today as we navigate this new life. I can relate in may ways, our situations are similar. I am living with the man of my dreams truly, a better match for me than my late husband. A man I would literally follow to the ends of the earth. My NG just doesn't want to ever get married, even though we live like a married couple. His reasons are his own. It is so true now in 2017 that people aren't getting married as in the past. I think if this were 1957, we would both already be remarried (and so would many people that I know who are living similarly) seems that for some, marriage just isn't a big deal anymore. It is regrettable that each of you don't get what you want, one of you has to compromise. Sad for you that it is you who compromises in this way, with the knowledge that your man does not want the same and does not desire having you for his wife. That has got to hurt. I do hope whether he *just my opinion* - wakes up one day and realizes just how lucky he is to have your love and devotion and companionship, a beautiful, smart and attentive woman that wants to give herself to him in marriage, and he cannot wait even one more day to be your husband - or not, that you really can come to a peace with whatever choices you make in this life, staying or not, living with and loving him or not. Living with what you called, 'a sadness and anger' sounds tiring. I wish only the best, for all of you. I'm sorry he doesn't want what is in your heart too.

I logged in just to say thank you MrsDan. Amazing the love you have for this kid and for her to come to her Dad's house and see pictures of her Mom is such a touching gesture. She will be lucky to have you in her life.

I second this - I too did a lot if dating before I met my current sweetheart, men like this I just simply stopped talking to. Didn't answer their texts, didn't respond to any communication at all. Not only do you deserve better, I am certain you can do much better. He's not worth any of your time.

My deepest condolences on the loss of your boyfriend, I am so sorry. My spouse was also an addict and passed in a rather unpleasant way from suicide, I completely understand that you don't want to say it. I just say, 'he struggled with a long term illness and eventually took his own life,' and that's it. I'm sorry people are saying your boyfriend was a 'junkie,' that is awful. I found unfortunately people got their little thrill of sensationalism and most faded away back to their own lives. A few people, my real friends and supporters, stuck it out and we are still friends today. I hope you have some of those with you. Losing someone to addiction is painful enough. Please take care of yourself.

Nope, not dumb at all. Just being a reasonable, nice person. I'm sorry for you that she is bitter and toxic and that it is affecting your life. Its really too bad people can't just be nice.

Ugh, I'm so sorry.