Forgottenwife

Ok. I can only speak to my very own personal experience, everyone has to deal with things differently. I had something loosely similar happen in a therapists office, and I got a new therapist. I just didn't go back. If someone at my office today shared a memory and a tear over their mothers death, or a beloved pet dying, no matter how long ago it was, I would never be so rude as to tell them to 'move on.' On special occasions, my father in law will tear up about his first wife who died in 1982. I just give him a hug and tell him I know she must have been really amazing, and then we have turkey or cake or whatever it is we came to do. The therapist I quickly replaced was one of those annoying cheerleader types (again MY EXPEIRIENCE ONLY) 'You CAN have a happy life!!!' Umm, I do. 'You CAN recover and leave your bad memories behind!!' Yeah, I do that too. Ugh, she was the worst. I have a life and a job and a new man and blah blah blah and sometime I just want to talk about my bumps and bruises and the hurts. You know, when I'm driving in the car and the sun is just right and that song comes on... I remember my wedding all those years ago... I might cry a little. I don't need someone ever to tell me to 'move on,' I'm already doing that. I'm normal. It's a part of me. I personally found a therapist where I get to say whatever I want - and my therapist could relate because she had empathy and a similar loss. A human I could relate to. My opinion from your post only, Why can't you have both? Grief and loss and memories and a happy new start with someone to help you manage change and uncertainty TODAY?

You are a true bad ass and an inspiration. Although we were there to listen and cheer you on, you alone took the steps to begin rebuilding your life. I am so glad to see your update! Enjoy this beautiful life.

Shelby I am so very sorry you have been put in this position. Let me share a story - when my husband died, my father and his wife (not my bio mom) had a room cleaned out for my son and I in one day. I can go 'home' to my dads house at any moment. No questions asked. We're family. No way would my dad let me stay and not contribute, I would be working and contributing to the household and working on bettering my life. Barring violence or drug abuse, no way would my dad turn his back on me. I am recouped and my partners adult child is struggling. We will find room for him. We're family. I love my partner and I can't imagine putting him in such a difficult position. We are partners to help one another and I'm here to help him and love and support him, through the good and the bad. I'll echo Maureen and some others here. Controlling behavior is abusive. Please consider counseling on your own and reaching out to a domestic violence shelter. Whether your kids move back home or not is a separate issue. You are being mistreated.

Thanks for the toast Euf. Yes, the pieces of my life don't quite fit some days, that is well said.

I just have to weigh in here on what you titled a 'bump' in the road. Sounds like more than a bump. Your current love interest sounds quite immature and not nice. I agree with someone here that said this is no way to treat someone you care about, take the widowed part out of it. I am sure you know this: You can do much better.

Just here to offer encouragement on quitting smoking - You CAN do it!! I put my cigarettes down over 20 years ago. It was brutal for a few days, awful for a couple weeks, a minor irritation for a while and then WONDERFUL!!! I agree with Trying, this is the best gift you can ever give to yourself. YOU are awesome and I know you can do it. You're going to be so happy once its not awful anymore. You are worth it Rayspumpkin.

Yes. The loss of our spouse is so profound, and as if the stress and grief and pain of that isn't enough, we are left to face all of lifes trials without that one person we chose to be by our side through it all. I am so glad you found us too. Your widow card doesn't expire here.

I love this! We have a social event this weekend, I am gonna use it.

These are all great!! Lover, consort, manfriend, man-type friend, flavor of the month - I will work them all into my vocabulary. I can't take credit for this one, a friend suggested it, how about 'emergency contact,' that is a certain level of commitment too.

Lets have some fun!! What should we call our new partners (before re-marriage of course when they become spouses?) I've seen it said that 'boyfriend' is weird, I tend to agree! I'm a little old for a boyfriend and watching my partner say 'this is my girlfriend' just doesn't sound quite natural. So, suggestions?? Boyfriend? Partner? Chapter 2? Be creative!

Wow. Ladybug you can only trade up from here. I've dated a lot and this is the worst date story ever! I don't know if I would feel insulted or sympathy that this man has no clue at all and clearly zero social skills. At least you didn't waste your entire New Year's! Home by 10 sounds wonderful.

I'm thinking of you tonight marian53...

Thank you marian53. Our journeys are on the same unsettled path for a little while today.

Just looking for acknowledgement. An understanding from some fellow human beings. Coming up on 4.5 years here and wow, tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. It was our day and each year since the death of my husband our anniversary is the hardest day of the year for me. I find at this point in the time line, my friends rarely ask, my parents are afraid to bring it up as ?it upsets you.? I don?t blame them, they don?t want to see me cry and there just isn?t any way for them to understand that I exist in a very happy life, yet I carry the loss of my husband with me every day. Sometimes I still cry. I have a memory or I just miss him. A lot. Yet I?m ok. I have real joy in my life. A job I love. A man that adores me. Two really cool and easy kids. A beautiful home and loving family. I have built a whole new life and career that I am fiercely proud of. No one in my office here today has any clue of my past. So everyone just acts like it is a normal day. No one even notices? many would think I should get over it? But I have seen it here and I know you all will understand ? I am not the same person anymore. This week especially, its like there is this membrane over everything that dulls the joy just a little bit, an emotional limp. My sleep is a little disturbed and I lack focus. I have been trying to push through and now I just want to let it out!! I miss him. So much. He should be here with me. I know you all understand. I will raise my glass tomorrow in memory of my beloved and for all of us that carry on. Say a toast for us all.

I think its the norm - and it worked well for me. When I first tried online dating, I chatted by email for weeks with someone. It seemed he just wanted to chat forever and possibly never meet! As I got more comfortable, I gave a couple of men my phone number the very first day we connected online. We talked that night or the next day and I preferred it, I could then decide if I wanted to continue talking to them right away. That being said, you should do whatever is comfortable for you. I know a lot of my friends prefer chatting for a little while before they give a number. Also, a great online tip. Get a google number. It is my understanding that it cannot be traced to you personally.

Making me tear up with joy right here at my desk! So happy for you both. What a wonderful Merry Christmas present! Congrats congrats congrats. Enjoy every moment Maddalena!

Yes. Spoken so eloquently, when those waves still visit....its the same. I am glad you are resting and taking care of yourself. I have the occasional day where I just lie in bed and feel it. Be gentle with yourself. I haven't made it 10 years - yet I am thinking of you today and as your 10 years approaches.

Singinmomo4, wish I could hug you right now. I logged on today to offer support. I'd like to reiterate what Bluebird and some of the other posters have shared, I found comfort and support in Al-Anon. Gosh I remember when I started going and it is so hard to share your story, and I am so glad I went. In Al-Anon I found people that could relate, they knew just what it was like to love someone who suffers from addiction. I found others who understood what it is like to be missing money, to be embarrassed in social situations, to have a child in jail. I learned ways to take care of myself and not be consumed by loving an addict (that was just my issue, I know each of us is different.) But it helped. Another great thing about Al-Anon is the meetings are confidential, and other than voluntarily pitching in for snacks or literature (literally 2 or 3 dollars if I had it) there is no cost to attend. Although I didn't have children young enough to need child care while I attended, I think some meetings even offer child care. Life saver. I am so sorry you don't have Rick with you to go through all of this. Please do what you can to practice self care. I will be thinking of you and your kids.

Oh THATgurl, this post really speaks to me. I can just speak for myself, yes, it is just like a scar that others can't see. Interesting, because I carry it with me, every day, all the time. And I am happy to report that I am well, I have rebuilt my life. I have joy and a job I enjoy and I function way better than I ever thought I would in the moments and days that turned into weeks after I found my husband deceased in our home. So many things can take me back there, I am grateful now that the reliving is not as trauma inducing as the first couple of years. That was bad, I would shake and feel my heart racing, I think I even had a weird taste in my mouth. If I look objectively at it, its interesting how the body remembers trauma, the same physical sensations come forward. Subjectively? It sucks. The remembering. And then I deal with it and go on breathing and living. Always a fact. Always a thing. Its there, just now part of the many things that are me. The birth of each of my children, defining points. No one would question that I suppose so why would we disagree/wonder about finding a dead person? The moment I laid eyes upon my Chapter 2, defining point. All my points are mine alone. So, if people disagree with your thinking that "happening upon" your deceased husband should be a defining point in your life? Ok. But, the defining points in your life are yours - whether you chose your points or they happened around you or happened to you or however the points made their way into your life. I know you asked for people that view things differently, I can't share that with you. Happening upon my dead husband is a defining point in my life too. I suspect it always will be. Grateful you shared this with all of us - the places and people I can share these things with shrink each year (oh man, did I say year? ugh.) Thank you THATgurl.

Wow, that is crappy. Just reading your words hurts, I am so sorry this happened. To know that he was telling you one thing and letting you believe he was invested on and working on your relationship, and then to find out he wasn't genuine? I would be crushed. Jeez, what a jerk. and you invested time and love and affection on him. I say dust yourself off and find better, and as much as this has got to sting, at least now you know his character. There are men out there that are capable of love and devotion and being honest. I would save your time for one of them. I think you know to yourself that you can do much, much better. I know a lot of people have bad experiences with relationships that started online, however, in my life, there are people from online that are good and decent and people from down the street so to speak that are cheaters and dishonest. The difference here is he had easy access to meeting more women. In 2015, we all have the option of browsing and chatting strangers online while we are in a 'committed' relationship. I always hesitate to put all online daters in the same category if you will.

MrsDan - don't forget to have fun! Dating is supposed to be fun so relax, your story will come out in time. I never made an extra effort to tell anyone I dated, it just naturally came out. I dated a man who clearly liked me but he wanted a woman that would sleepover, as a solo parent I was not available for sleepovers and that led to a conversation of why my kids didn't spend time with their Dad on the weekends or whatever. It turns out, he wasn't interested in seeing a woman that parented 100% of the time, and that is ok. I also dated a man that was telling a story about co-parenting with his ex-wife and he eventually asked 'How about you, do you get along with your ex?' It was a natural part of the conversation for me to give a brief explanation - I don't have an ex. I learned a lot about him in the way he handled that conversation. Most people are immediately apologetic and sorry for assuming. The buttheads that say they wish their ex was dead? Or some other dumb crap? Just leave, your time is valuable, spend it with decent people. These things let me weed out the nice men, and there are so many nice men out there. Really, relax and have a wonderful time. Wear something comfortable that you look really hot in. Dan is a part of you, and genuine and kind men will eventually get the honor of knowing your story. I know it is hard because we think about it all the time and dating or spending time with a potential love interest stirs up all these feelings. If a man is nice, and you feel comfortable, and you may want to see him again, the words will happen. Don't forget to enjoy yourself! Have a fun night out!

Hi SimiRed, what a hard journey to be on. I can't relate specifically to separating from a partner after being widowed, however I can identify with feelings coming back. I think because losing my spouse was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, those specific feelings lie within me. When I am well and rested and things are going well in my life, I can remember the feelings and the trauma combined with panic attacks and loss of sleep, but they are like a memory. When things are going bad and stress visits my life (when my beloved stepfather passed for example) I feel all of those same feelings again. For a time, I am at day one. Perhaps this is biological, our bodies could remember the stress and physical manifestations of the trauma. Just my .02$, it happens to me. I also think people divorcing can use some support. I have other friends that have divorced that report abandoning friends and even family. I'm not sure why people vanish or go quiet or judge and take sides, how easy it is for friends and acquaintances to judge, they must have forgotten that not one of us has any clue what transpires behind the closed doors of another home. No clue. I am aware that divorce and death are not the same at all but I have learned through my journey that a divorcing person can use some friends, a casserole, an extra kind word and people reaching out and checking in. Its a change. The loss of a marriage changes your every day and you SimiRed have been through a lot. You did nothing wrong and I recognize and honor the strength and determination it must have taken to take the steps to change your situation. Be gentle with yourself. Practice self care as much as you can. This present day drama and trauma will one day be your past, I'm sorry for you that while you are living this, it is so painful. Finally, I am mystified by human behavior. Why would a man (or anyone) have a loving, beautiful woman by his side to share his home and life, then treat her so badly, as less than himself, someone to serve his needs, talk harshly and not care about her pain.... then whine and beg when she leaves? He loves you now? You are throwing him out like trash? You go SimiRed, I throw my trash out too, I have no place for that shit in my life. Maybe being widowed has taught me to LOVE and HONOR my people. I laugh and tickle my kids, we go out late and if the house is dusty or not 'just how I like it' we go out anyway. I have a lover and I treat him as if he is the most important and interesting person in the room, always. Nothing else really matters. To treat my loved ones as less simply invites them to find the strength to move on and be with someone 'better'. Clearly you can do better, your spouse did not honor your love and devotion at all. I'd move on too. Stay strong and take care of yourself. There is better out there for you.

Scared? Yes. And look at you, you ARE that great example for your son that your late DH knew you would be. Your son is watching! Courage? You are very courageous SimiRed. Even though your physical location looks lonely and without local friends, you have support and friends here. And your son is ok and taken care of lovingly by his Mom. The rest is going to pass. We cannot know what trials await us, yet we also don't know what wondrous things may be coming. Be well and be safe!

SimiRed you are amazing! You can do it! I have to agree with Rob,the love making requests creep me out. Its alarming. I know for me it is hard to see red flags and bizarre behavior while I'm in the middle of it but I am wondering if this particular development is concerning to you. With that and your therapists warning, please do whatever you must to stay safe. I'm glad your family will be with you on Saturday.

Well here I am again, on the widow board. I was on YWBB as Lostwife2011, I chose the name in a fog and had tried to get it changed. My funny, attractive and successful husband died of suicide fueled by drug addiction in May 2011. We had been married for 22 years.I stayed in bed for weeks and existed in kind of a shock and fog. I wanted to die. It took a long time to find myself. Now I am like the walking wounded. Functioning well but it feels like I have a really big scar. I am grateful for my amazing friends, my parents and family and the mental health experts I sought support from. And why am I back here now? Seems that even though I feel joy and hope again, there is a kinship with people that have walked in my shoes. Hi everyone. I am so sorry for the losses that brought us all here and so grateful that we have this place.