Forgottenwife

Someone could have called the police. Imagining if my boyfriend or roommate or SO started screaming and throwing my belongings around, I would immediately leave. And if they tried to stop me from leaving and I was able to, I would call the police. In my opinion, this is not just crazy, its abusive. If one of your friends told you this story, would you feel that they should immediately leave the situation? No different just because she is a minor. Being treated like that by your mom is bullshit. I really feel for this kid.

So glad you posted this, I can relate. Maddalena, thinking about the private investigator does sound like you are still looking for your LH. Interesting how a spouse truly becomes a part of us. I can see how your mind would be looking for someone that was such an intimate part of your life. I have dreams about my LH too. The ones that leave me feeling out of sorts for a bit are dreams where we are in our old house and I am trying to find a way to explain to him that I live with another man. He looks sad and wonders where all of his personal things are. It sucks.

I wish I had the right words Nonesuch. Thinking of you both while you navigate his illness.

I remember all of this, and I would take breaks from online dating sometimes too. The first couple of unkind rejections really stung. But I was lucky to understand quickly that those rejections really didn't have anything to do with me at all and it is not indicative of the person that I am. I quickly learned it wasn't personal. I feel ya, it can be difficult to meet genuine people when you are dating. I don't know about Facebook, but I don't see anything wrong with letting friends and neighbors know you are interested in getting to know available, single men and you welcome their introductions to the best candidates they know! That is a great way to meet people.

I have to say - live your life. We are always judged on whatever we do, as widows and mothers and women. No matter what, someone will think they have the 'correct' answers for our lives. I worried a little about my kids and made sure to keep the communication open with them. everyone else? My parents, my siblings, my in-laws, the neighbors - if they started to object to me living my own life, I just coolly gave them a half smile and walked away. I understand everyone is grieving, but you get to make your own decisions about your life just as they do. I was judged for dating, judged for staying home and lonely for too long, I got a job too soon while my kids were grieving, for staying in our home, and then years later when I finally sold it. Seems I couldn't do anything right for some people, including my dating habits! Adults posting passive aggressive stuff on social media? Insensitive and crappy to behave that way. I had the same experience. It was awful, some people are just really mean. I'm sorry that is happening to you.

I'm here and I hear you.

Old colleague of mine...this really cracked me up! Maureen Wow... This is literally the craziest thing, it cracked me up too! I don't even know what to say!

I will be forever grateful my mother did NOT listen to this silly advice as I had a step father who made my life, and the lives of my siblings and Mom, so much better with his love and generosity and amazing example of how to be a dad and a husband. I will defend my mother's decision to welcome him lovingly into our home. Dr. Laura doesn't live in my house, and here she is giving advice on a situation she has never lived through. Widowed/Divorced parents second guess their parenting decisions all the time, and then people come along offering their opinions. Many, many people choose to recouple, many others don't. I'm certain none of us should feel guilt for finding love and companionship. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my parents to live the rest of my childhood without their new spouses and in my case, it was the best thing for everyone involved, including my parents.

Wow - I can't help but chuckle a little and I'm sorry because I know this is drama and a real PITA for you, but really? A grown up expecting a parent to call her and check what the kids are eating? She sounds weirdly controlling. That's the thing about divorce, you don't get to control your ex-spouse anymore, he (and you) get to feed the kid whatever you want when he's with you. And really, its not like you are giving him booze and pretzels, jeez! 'Call me to check on what you feed him?' The things people worry about. Like you, I've raised kids, and I was smart enough to know when they went to their Aunt's or to a sleepover, they may get a different snack then we have at home. That is life! And it can be a wonderful experience or you can make yourself crazy that someone didn't give your kid the correct jelly and white bread ratio with a side of grapes. So weird. It would bother me too, she sounds like she has the maturity of a middle schooler. Guess it'd be too much for her to just be grateful someone gave her kid lunch. Vent away, we can always listen.

Thanks for being a step parent! I had two great ones that were there all through my parents fighting and bickering, which literally lasted more than a decade. It was ridiculous. I love my step parents and came to appreciate them when I was an adult, with all of the drama between my parents, I wouldn't have blamed either of them for bailing. So glad you can be there for these kids - you have my sympathy that you have to deal with crazy. No real advice - just THANKS! From a grown step kid

This is a tricky situation. Although our hearts may want a legal marriage, it may be in your best interests not to marry legally. I consulted a lawyer who laid out all the options regarding pensions and benefits if I re-married or did not, it was money well spent. If you do marry, and your new husband returns to court for any reason with his ex, your income will be included as total household income. This includes any ss benefit for your son. I don't necessarily think this is fair, just telling you what I was advised and unfortunately witnessed in a friends divorce. I'm cohabitating with someone that isn't interested in legal marriage too - as hard as that is to hear, it turns out to be in my best interests legally in some ways. I know there are people that are saying we are cheating the government or whatever, I completely disagree. There isn't any reason we shouldn't look our for the best interests of our child and ourselves.

Oh, what a drag. You give a man your phone number and then he 'tries' to text you? Um, no. I don't want to be unkind, maybe he is super shy or he's been rejected or I don't know but when I give a man my phone number, if he is at all interested in getting to know me, he should call. Or, he can message he will call and ask for a good time to do so, but, other than that? Nah. I'd like to meet adults, that know how to make a phone call and ask the other person for coffee. Or a frozen yogurt. Or to meet at the driving range. Or something. Sigh** I went online to meet people, and if they didn't want to meet after a few messages, I just stopped talking to them. Your time is valuable, this guy sounds like he's just not ready to go out. I like your attitude, it was only 6 days!

Maureen, you are an inspiration.

Happy tears! Congratulations!

I hope you are doing ok Still_lost. I was one who offered an opinion to you on an earlier post. I remember breaking up with someone over similar things and it was such a drag, back to dating, no companion, all those things we do in a breakup. It sucked at the time, and yet looking back, it was undoubtedly the correct decision for me. I'm so glad I didn't stay on that path! I knew the situation/person was just not right for me. Good for you for following your intuition. From the outside, it sounded like keeping that romance would add stress to your life. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for all of your work on this site! I appreciate you!!

This is one of the things I love about my Chapter 2. I too met men that were impatient that I had kids. One said my kids were spoiled because I didn't allow sleepovers with boyfriends. Nope, I stopped seeing him. I think these interactions let us know our compatibility. When I was just dating my Chapter 2, he was loving and understanding and kind. Due to those short people I was raising, I had to cancel a couple of times on pretty short notice, and it was always lovingly received. He just always let me know I could call on him if I needed anything and to let him know when I was available again. My chapter 2 has since told me that he knew my kids had been through a lot with their father's death and one of the things he found attractive in me was that I was a good mom and looked out for my kids' best interests. Not really anything much sexier than that. Everyone has reasons they have to cancel or be late sometimes. If it is a regular habit, I can see it being an issue. But finding out if someone can quickly adjust without being a brat was very important to me, life doesn't always run exactly on schedule.

Hi Carmsen. I am so so sorry for your loss and whatever has brought you here. I understand how you feel as after my husband died from suicide fueled by addiction, I too wanted to join him, I didn't think I would ever be ok. I get it. I know others here can relate too. Please consider calling a hotline/finding a trusted therapist/checking into the ER. You matter. Harming yourself is not the answer. I worked on finding a team of mental health experts to drag me back into the land of the living. I lived and I know you can too. I'll be thinking of you. I am so sorry Carmsen.

So glad your biopsy came back with good results! That is so stressful.

I agree. Please consider the long term affect this can have on your child. He's only 8. Someone told me once that my kids were spoiled and they needed to learn how the world works and blah blah blah, I dumped him that day. Done. Best of luck in dealing with this.

Quixote, what a great thread, I'm glad you put this out there. I can relate to things you said, and I can relate to every poster here in some way. We all have this common experience in our lives, so grateful all of us can share here.

I get it - I am the happiest I have been since I can't even remember. I am in a loving and fulfilling relationship, my kids are grown and I can focus on my career and continuing my education. My new partner is supportive and always has my back. I enjoy his company and easily choose him over time spent with any other person. My life is so peaceful. I remember the recognition of these feelings bringing guilt. How could I love another and genuinely laugh and be happy? That was then, now I don't feel any guilt at all. I am here to enjoy the time I have left, and I am so grateful the guilt is gone. I truly hope the same for you Quixote.

I do understand. We just plod along in our daily lives, and some days it really hits me. I'm glad I can come here. I get it. Take it easy on yourself.

I get that it sounds creepy, but we know that human beings need touch. Human touch contributes to our overall health, this is just people reaching out to fulfill a very basic need. Many people on this board have felt skin hunger. How many of us have enjoyed a hug from our neighbor or a co worker after losing our spouse? You know, the last time another person touched me was _____? Someone today asked me for a hug and I happily gave her one. Maybe we can all use some cuddling!!

Bunny, thanks for these suggestions! I also listen to the Moth and Judge John Hodgman, he's so funny. I also like Hidden Brain. Now you have given me a few more to try!