klim

Interested in this thread because I'm existing in the reverse kind of relationship. I am finacially in a better place then my boyfriend. We share regular stuff like taking turns paying for dinners out but big things like vacations I want to put in more. I want to know he won't be strapped for money or incurr debt to go with me. He fights me on this. We're still negotiating. He offers to help out with things around my house....I don't think to even out money but just cause he wants too. So far I'm too independantly stubborn to take him up on it. I have this mindset that "I can take care of myself,my house and my kids by myself" but Sugarbell if you can relax into the idea of letting him spend on you, I think it's ok. I wish my guy could relax into it.When I offer to pay it's because I want to.

SHIT! HUGS...more HUGS..... and more HUGS NO in depth wisdom here......just the standard advice. "do what you can....enjoy when you can.....ignore when you can .... and proceed" Onwards and forwards

I get you My son is only 17 but is finished up highschool. He has been so unsure what he wants for next year. He applied to 6 different places and 4 different programs. He waited till the second last day to respond to admissions offers. He then rushed his response and screwed up his application. I've spent a couple of days chasing things in emails and phone calls....and your right they wouldn't talk to me at first, they wanted him to deal with it( yeah right!) . They required an email from him giving me permission to correspond. I'm hoping I've got it figured out but again it's me doing it .......I think he should be him. And your right it's confusing. so again I get you.

bump come chatt peoples :)

let me rant please I have a 17 yr old and a 19 year old that I have very few problems with. They basically have their acts together. As far as trust issues I have had very few. Dh and I had started to trust them at home while we vacationed. They are not party animals or even party goers. So forward to today , Father's day, my neighbour walks by and says something like " i heard they sent the swat team. What was it BB guns?" me "Huh?" neighbour " i don't know what the big deal is we all had bb guns growing up. DId the cops do anything? Me 'no everythings fine" I have no frick'n clue what he's talking about. My boys do have bb guns. I know nothing of any swat team or police action...... I didn't deny anything or even question the nieghbour about what he was talking about... he blindsided me. So I'm left there wondering what on earth is going on. I ask my boys and they say "what are you taliking about " and then I think wouldn't the police get a hold of me if there was an issue. And then I feel bad that I questioned them and then ............I think why would the neighbour say that if there was no bases for it. And if the cops were in the neighbourhood for another reason I feel bad I didn't defend my boys to the neighbour and let him think that they wern't being the responsible boys I think they are. And all of this on Fathers day when he should be here to hear the accolades. He could help me deal with deal with all this stuff and tell me if it did happen that boys will be boys and he could see him doing stuff like that. And if it didn't happen that he would go tell the neighbour "how dare you assume my boys were in trouble. hating it today!

FUCK...FUCK...FUCK! My younger son might have missed an electronic form he needed to fill out in order for his university acceptance to be completed. He was excited to have finally made a decision and now it might be screwed up. I worry FUCK nobody to lean on . FUCK

With my 17 yr old and 19 yr old , I play the whose going to come to this event "game " as well. On May 24Th (think Canandian memorial day) my sister was hosting a bbq and invited us all. I knew right from the get go that if my sons said yes I wouldn't be able to take BF. We're not to that comfortable integrated mode yet. They are beginning to handle him coming by the house fairly regularly but the interaction still isn't there. And this is where I never know whether it's just their age. I mean how much would a 17 and 19 yr old be hanging out with mom and dad even if dh was alive. So their request, not to be included, is it really a rejection of bf or just a stage of growing up. On the bright side my 19 yr old whom I'm supposed to be taking camping asked me if I want to bring my BF. Now, he doesn't drive and wants to take his girlfriend camping.....so he needs me to come and maybe he wants me distracted so i won't bug him and his girlfirend ......but I'm taking it as progress. Trying I probably would be asking BF not to join the party but I can also see myself leaving early to go spend time doing something with him the same night . Another thought is to have him drop into the party to pick you up, say his congrats and then you leave to go do something on your own. Kinda splitting the difference...sending the message to your friends ( and sons) that they are important but BF is important too. By the way I'm joining you in the insomnia departments some nights. Nytol is my my other new friend

go go goooooOOOO! positive thoughts and strength coming your way

Oh Ants that is great news. Sandy

ok not strong all the time.....got it. Thanks for the booster shot folks....... Onwards and forwards

over and out

bumpitty bump

Yep agreed....fragile is what we are. Broken and hoping the glue is strong enough to hold. Strenth to you and to all of us so we may face what the future brings. Onwards and forwards

positive thoughts coming your way......

I think I usually handle things well. I've ridden this rollercoaster for a little over two years and the hills and valleys have been relatively mild.I'm logical, down-to-earth practical,light hearted. and today I'm uptight and anxious.My dh should be here. Yesterday my younger son accepted an offer to University for the fall. He'll be 5 hrs away.I've already done this routine with my older son, 2 month after dh died. But this one is affecting me more. I know I can deal with this, just not feeling as strong as usual. That's ok right?!?

My 17 yr old son does not express his displeasure of situations with anger but rather with withdrawal. Although perhaps easier to handle, it is still worrisome. I have not maybe completely dealt with it because it is not disruptive. I have continued to do the things I like with new guy and given my son permission to excuse himself from any activity that he is not comfortable with. So he has not done Easter , mothers day, and Victoria day. He was not allowed to skip Christmas but got veto power over whether new guy was invited. My son is also making decisions about going away to school next year and although I am worried about him being emotionally fragile I am hopeful that this will be his chance to find his niche. My thought about your son and school is this is a good chance to leave the triggers behind and flourish. If you can work on some counselling at that end that's sounds wise.(no experiences with counselling here but it sounds good). I know he tried to spread his wings before and he kinda crashed , maybe it was too soon. But he has that under his belt, hopfully learning through experiences, older and wiser. As you said he had been doing well. Focus on the future of his life independant of yours.If he becomes confident in his own ability to be independant , his anxieties around what you are doing to rebuild may diminish. You realize most of this advice I'm giving to you is what I hope will happen for my son. We're making a descision today whether he is going away to school next year . ahhhh presssure!

bumping

Positive thoughts coming your way.... (((hugs)))

Two sons here...were 15 and 17 when DH passed away. Older son moved off to uni 5 months later, so 15 yr old was home alone with me. I spend a lot of time "looking after him" but also know he is quite capable and stubbornly independant. After a while I felt I needed to get out and discussed it with him. Got the " yes mom ,go, I'm fine". I monitor him closely to make sure his words are reflected in his actions.But started doing things socially for myself. 2 years later , I do a lot of going out. When I do ,I tend to bookend my absences, with direct interaction with my son. ( example: dinner with him before I head out on a date or spending Monday of a long weekend doing things with him when I went camping on the Sat and Sunday.) I usually check with him if I can go out. I know it sounds silly but if he needs assistant with a project or studying or he needs to get driven somehwere, then I don't need to go out for dinner or a movie or whatever.He is a priority but he's now 17, he doesn't need or want me around all the time. It's a hard balance but they need to practice being independant Just an insight into how I'm handling it, don't know if it helps.

coke, actually diet coke. lots of it. Always available.......not good. oooops

Sleepovers is a fun topic isn't it. If my husband was still alive my children would not be privy to my personal details because we would just say goodnight and close the door. That's where the problem lies. We can't do that anymore.The only way for new guy and I to spend the night together is if I'm not sleeping at home. When not sleeping at home things need explained. I'm not brave enough to have a conversation. I can't imagine it.... Son, you know new guy and I have been going out quite a while ........right.....so I'm not coming home tonight. Why mom is it the distance?...nope finances?...nope drunk.....mom are you drunk....mmmmh not a good picture and very unbelievable, so what viable reason is there in a teenager mind...ah yes......mom's sleeping with new guy. I'll have to be comfortable with them being privy to my private life before I can have this conversation. .....back to Fabricating stories Thinking through things is very therapeutic...thanks for indulging me

Fleur you bring up many questions and as I am having the same quandaries as Trying , I am going to reply. I am having trouble with "sneaking" and thus why I was so interested in the responses posted. The opposite of sneaking around is blunt honesty, I am also having trouble with that. Answering your questions 1.The most important value for my children is that they are caring individuals. 2.Sneaking and lying...not entirely impressed but if their reasons was to avoid causing undue stress for someone else , done with thought and caring I would be Ok with it. 3.Virgin before marriage ? nope ... but snuck around then too to avoid causing undue stress for someone else( my parents) done with thought and caring. 4.Sons abstaining.?... their choice....don't want them to be sluts but am fine with premarital sex. Don't really want to know the details either.( hope they will be as thoughtful to me as I was to my parents) Son is away at uni. Has a girlfriend. Not sure exactly what's up. Not going to ask. Although I reminded him to be safe. 5. A relationship that is worthy of the intimacy of sex ?...everyone decides for themselves. From my stand point,and place in life, not going to happen quickly but once a certain comfort zone has been reached.I don't need the "will be with you forever" feeling, just the "happy to be with for you now "zone is fine. Again each to there own. So what have I figured out....not worried about sex outside of marriage....not comfortable conversing to my son(s) about his sex life or mine. Don't like lying but stressing people out is worse. So I guess I'm still waiting for the point when I feel the truth can be handled by my boys without undue stress. PS Trying, I think "worrying about how everyone else feels," when the 'everyone else' are your children is very normal and very caring.

I don't know if I have the same fantasy but a similar "bed experience". I leave a pile of pillows on his side of the bed. Not sure but I think it helps me sleep because it doesn't seem empty.

Those card seem to hit the point. Honesty has it's place with empathy and sympathy. When my dh died," So Sorry" was what most people said. I appreciated the sentiment, but my one friend when she first saw me said "What the fuck!" I liked that better cause that was what I was saying the whole time.

bumpity bump