Justin

On my last flight, I started re-reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert M. Pirsig. It feels really good, because I haven't read much fiction since being widowed. It seemed too frivolous for a while, for some reason.

Regarding your four year-old, I think that it is she is just trying to come to terms with the concept of death and what exactly it means for a person to be dead. I would not worry about this "exploration"; I think it is just her way of trying to grasp the concept. At almost two years out, I am still doing this, too.

I hope that it was evident that the article is satire! I should have posted as much, in case some folks are not familiar with The Onion :-)

Woo-hoo!!! Great news, Grace! I am so happy for you! (((Hugs to you, Mildred, and your lady))) I just wish they would have gotten their collective head out of their ass sooner. There's no pleasing some people in widowhood - there really isn't. There are those that will think you never loved your dead spouse because you have found happiness again, or those that will tell you it is time to "move on" and "get on" in life because you are so sad. Don't know if you saw this satirical article that Jess posted on Facebook, but it hits the spot: http://www.theonion.com/article/elderly-man-whos-outlived-wife-8-years-must-not-ha-52715 Thank you for sharing your great news with us :-)

New opportunity seized: I am volunteering to work on the film crew for a digital short produced by the local community college in a little over a week. Never done this before!

SWilson, No man, I haven't yet! That would be a great weekend trip for me and DD to make before the move. It would be fantastic to meet up with you for lunch or dinner if we can swing the trip :-)

As the others have written, you are doing the right things. It feels like there is no end to the tortuous hell, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will make progress. For me, it was like being on a long hike: bone-tired and having to climb a mountain with night falling. I just kept trudging alone along, staring at the bumpy ground trying to remain sure-footed and not stumble. It felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, and then at a few months out I decided to look back and could see that I was making a slow, steady progress. Real progress that gave me hope. The pain will start to ease, and you will learn how to manage what is there. I am at 21 months now, and although it does still hurt and I am able to have fun and most days are good. (I actually had to stop and do the math on the number of months.) A watershed moment for me was taking a week-long road trip with my daughter at 3 months. A change of scenery and perspective was paramount to my journey toward healing. In the early days, I actually spent most of my time on the forum (the predecessor to this one) reading posts of those further out than I was. It gave me much-needed hope and the will to do the grief work, just like you are doing now.

No worries - I didn't even notice! :-) I guess I am just so used to thinking of me and Jess as "us" now!

This statement really stuck with me. It's strange how we cling to things of theirs, even when those things are of no real use to anyone - especially those that are now gone.

I don't believe that we do; it's a part of us now. As many have written before, the heart has an incredible capacity for expansion - if we let it. I am so glad for you that you have found love again in Andrew. I think we owe it to our spouses to live as fully as we can, since they cannot be with us any longer. Hugs and peace, Justin

Thank you for your advice, Mizpah! My daughter and I are trying to spend time with friends and family more than we customarily would, because we know in all likelihood that we will never again have this much time available with them. Nor will we ever be likely be able to visit local areas with as much ease as we can now. This week and the next are my last two of full-time employment at the company where I have worked almost 12 years. I am really looking forward to being able to wake up and shape the day as I want to for the first time in I-don't-know-how-many years. I think the last time I had a true day off from any responsibility at all was in 1996 :-) There are still many hours of work left in fixing things around the house (trying to hook a buyer) and packing up, but I plan to fellowship as much as possible, re-visit old places, and visit new sites that I thought I would "get around to seeing one day". Also, taking some time to read and walk around town taking photos. I probably will get the bicycle out again, too... Jess has been very encouraging of me and DD to fully experience our lives as they are now, knowing that they are about to become radically different with us moving so far away from the land that we have grown up in and people that we know. She has been super-considerate of our feelings and has done a great job of making us feel at home in Arizona, but is well-aware that relocating will be a huge change for me and DD. At Jess's suggestion, DD has decided to stay here with her grandparents an additional 1-3 weeks after the move and then fly to AZ. This will give her time to say goodbye in a context outside of school. As an old friend used to say: "the time will pass, regardless". I am committed to making each of these remaining days here count, knowing that I can never have them back again - and being able to accept that fact with no regret for things left undone.

This is my plan to deal with a lot of items that will neither make our upcoming move, or be placed in storage for our daughter when she gets her own place. One of my favorite photographers has often stated that perhaps the greatest thing that photographs accomplish is to serve as "memory triggers". I also like the thought of being able to "go there" and remember when I feel strong enough to do so, rather than being confronted with items all of the time.

Pun intended - pun delivered!!

Squidley, I am so sorry for your loss but am glad that you found out about us. There are many good people here from a wide range of life experiences, and I am sure that some with similar experiences will post and give you the benefit of their perspective. In the meantime, remember to take care of yourself as well. You CAN do this: I have seen incredible resilience and strength in our community, and you are part of it now. Take care, Justin

I couldn't agree more. At five months out, I was on a plane flying across the country to meet (for the first time) the wonderful lady that is now my wife - and, I already knew that I was in love. There are so many variables that the timelines for when we are ready differ greatly among us. Listen to your heart, and be true to yourself. You will handle things just fine :-)

Lewis has moved the site to using one theme. Please see my response here: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,2160.msg26485.html#msg26485 Thanks! Justin

Hi everyone, and thank you for your feedback regarding the new theme for the site. Lewis switched us to using a single theme because it makes administration much easier; having two selectable themes increases the layout work that has to be done and then maintained. For those of us who use Windows, I have found that the program f.lux helps greatly with issues assocaited with using a bright screen at night. You install it, input your location, and it will gradually change the color of your screen after the sun sets to reduce the brightness and blue values associated with keeping us at night (maybe this will help you, Jeff!). It seems weird for about three days, then you will wonder how you lived without it. It came downloaded for free here: https://justgetflux.com/

I went into your profile and set them to automatically save for you. If anyone else is having this issue, you can set the default in your profile's settings to save all sent messages automatically.

I went to Sherwin-Williams to buy some more paint, as I am trying to fix up and sell this house before it is time for our move to AZ (yay!). While waiting, I struck up a conversation with a professional painter and he was there to buy a gallon of "mis-tinted" paint - basically, paint that was mixed to an incorrect color by the store employees. What was his cost for this gallon of mis-tinted paint? One dollar. Yes, a gallon of Sherwin-Williams paint for $1. He told me that he painted his whole house interior for $14, but you have to check with the store religiously because you never know what colors they will have but he is there buying paint all of the time anyway. If I have time to do some more painting, I am checking there for a doable, cheap color :-)

Thank you, Fern, for bringing this to our attention! I have sent Lewis a message to make sure that he sees your post.

Linda, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. When my died, I hadn't seen him for about 3 years and probably not talked to him in 2.5 years. My sorrow was more about never being able to resolve the issues that lead to our estrangement than actually losing him. I had mostly let go of him before he died... Losing Marsha hurt way, way more - and still does. we had dreams to finish together, and my life was built with her. Although I always loved my dad, I didn't define myself as his son. However, being a husband was a big part of my identity. Tight hugs to you and your mom. Take care.

Sounds like my college career :-) Good luck with the faucet!

Thank you so much, everyone! This move has definitely been in the making for quite some time, and it feels sooooo good to have a concrete date for our move. As Jess wrote, the birth of the possibility of this move being a reality all started with my daughter's suggestion that she might want to attend school in Arizona "if you and Jess get married" - made on our drive back from the airport after their first meeting with each other. Last year, when Jess downsized and moved closer to her work and parents, DD and I went with her to view the homes on the short-list. Jess made sure to include us in her decision of buying a home - we were all THAT certain that we would all be living together! There has been many decisions made by us about consolidating our households - what to keep, what to store, what goes, etc.; the listing of the house DD and I live in; sorting the logistics of the move - but they have all been steps forward to our being together as a family. And we all three truly feel that way. I so excited and optimistic to continue this journey with Jess! so now, I just have to try to calm the anticipation of waiting out these days by staying busy. And there is plenty to do!

All of my experiences with Jess meeting DW's family have been extremely positive. The very first time was at just 7 months out when she came here for a week's visit and Marsha's (DW) sister stopped by our house unexpectedly. I introduced them and all was good, even if her sister felt like she had intruded a bit. At just over a year out, Jess met DW's parents over Skype and spoke to them for the first time. It seemed to be fairly comfortable for everyone, and about 1.5 months later Jess visited here again. We arranged dinner with DW's parents at a local restaurant, and Jess was met in the parking lot with hugs :-) Since then, she has had Thanksgiving dinner with all of Marsha's family and Jess was accepted by all, with much easy talk and hanging out. Just chill and relax. You will probably not be the center of attention - even though it is very easy for us to overthink and get a bit paranoid when introducing our new loves. Be comfortable, and remember that if you don't make it weird - it won't be :-)

Congratulations! I have had our house on the market for about a month and a half, with no offers but some lookers. So I am really happy it sold so quickly AND at your asking price :-)