Justin

Sugarbell, This is so exciting! It sounds like this is absolutely the best decision for your entire family

Karin, Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with us - it brought a smile to my face as I read it. My wife died in her sleep, also, although it happened before I had come to bed for the evening. Like you wrote of Eddie's passing, I just knew that she was gone. Thank you for coming here and entrusting us with your stories. Lean on us as much as you can; we are all here for one another.

Stuck, As much as I am so sorry that you are here, but I am glad that you have found us. I have received more support from friends and co-workers than you, but really my biggest and best group of cheerleaders are right here. As much as others in your life may want to empathize or sympathize, the truth of the matter is that no one can know what this is like unless they have been through it themselves. I received support from my "church family' much in the earlier days, and my bosses and co-workers have been (and continue to be) very understanding. I am still close to my late wife's family, and am on good terms with my own but do not see them that often. As you wrote, many times people do not know what to say, so they do not say anything and we are treated with kid gloves. There is a theory floating around in our circles that a lot of people in our daily lives cannot stand to be around us, because we are a constant reminded that death does not discriminate and "it could happen to them". Each human has a different capacity for the load that they can bear, and it may be that your mother just has nothing left to give after your brother's suicide. My daughter was just shy of being 16 when my wife died, and sometimes I found I had trouble comforting her in my own grief (and it left me guilty). Fell free to post here as much as you want, and as often as you want. The folks here have quite literally saved me.

Thank you, Frostedglass - and welcome. Keeping not only a mental inventory, but a true pen-to-paper list of all of the things I am grateful for has helped me immensely. Sometimes, I will pull it out to add something new - at other times, it is to take an opportunity to review the things that are going right in my life.

I came across this blog post today, and found it so so poignant and sweet: https://human.parts/we-loved-here-once-1f91eaabd32a

I knew at 4 months out that Jess was more than just a friend to me. I floated trial balloons with DW's sister and brother before taking to her parents. Everyone was "cautiously optimistic" at that point; they knew me as a son and brother and didn't want me to be hurt at just a few short months out. DW's aunt was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 27. Her widower stopped bringing the kids around to see his late wife's family. I know that some of that residual fear played a role in their refrain of "don't forget about us when you move to Arizona". They were hurt then, and don't want to be hurt again. At this point, Jess has met most of DD's family and some of my mine. Everyone seems genuinely happy for us and absolutely loves her! I can't wait until we all get together this Thanksgiving!

MikeB, I am so very sorry that you had to find us here but am glad that you have. This all just sucks so bad. My wife was not in the best of health, but also died suddenly and without warning at home in her sleep. If there is any solace at all in that fact, I have been assured that she did not suffer. You can do this, and it is okay to not want to do it. I sure as hell didn't - the only thing that kept me going was that I was now her ambassador and had to represent her to the world and couldn't let her down. I carried her urn into the church because I could not bear the thought of anyone else having that honor. I repeat, you can do this and you will make your wife proud. You are most likely correct, in that most people will move on with their own lives after the visitation. Some will still come around, and you will find that some of those will be the unlikeliest people. There will also be people that you would think you could count on and that you will hear from rarely. This is common, and I think being prepared for this will help you. I don't think it is that they don't care, it's just that they cannot in any way fathom the hell you are going through. I do promise you this - you are going to be okay. You will never "move on", but you will move forward so keep that hope. But, that is for later days - right now, make sure you eat, get enough sleep, cry when you need to, talk to people, and don't drink too much. The better your physical shape, the better you will be able to weather this storm. You are in a state of shock right now, which is your body's way of protecting your brain. If you are motivated, now is a good time for many men to take care of affairs (no major decisions, though) such as bill payment setups, etc. Once the fog lifts a bit, the emotions came stronger for me. Please come here and post as often and much as you like. My worst mistake in those first few weeks (besides drinking too much) was getting inside my own head. Not constructive reflection or thought, just a negative cycle of emotions. These people (and two in particular) saved me. Take care of yourself and your dogs. And remember to love on them good - they are grieving, too.

This topic has been moved to [social Encounters]. [iurl]http://widda.org/index.php?topic=1592.0[/iurl]

I cannot, nor would want to, replicate the marriage I had with my wife. We had a lot of great times, and some not-so-great. But time is a river, and that part of my life has passed. As many of you know, Jess and I are in a committed relationship and are coming up upon the one-year anniversary of our long-distance relationship. I think that I will overall be a much better husband to her than I was to Marsha: I have more maturity, more patience, better money sense, and am much less likely to take my wife (or anyone) for granted. I treasure each day, and I know now that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I am slower to anger, and less judgmental, too. I've learned a lot in my 21 years of marriage, and it would be a shame if I didn't retain some of those lessons. My wife had some issues resulting from abuse of prescription drugs supplied to her, and later, I had issues with drinking too much. This resulted in a loss of trust that took a long time to repair, and probably never fully did. I don't want to make those same mistakes on my end. My wife and I were high school sweethearts, too. On the downside, me being older and more mature means that Jess doesn't get the benefit of the crazy optimism/spontaneity or the stamina that I had in my youth.

This is pretty funny, because I went through a period where I was obsessed with tiny houses. I would fantasized about living in the woods, with my own compound: my tiny house, a tiny guest cottage for when my daughter would visit, with a third common structure for dining/entertaining occasionally with a full kitchen. Living off the grid, or as near to it as I could. Saturdays spent chopping wood for my wood-burning stove. A real hermit's life. Then, I fell in love again and realized I didn't want to be Thoreau :-)

I think that widowat33 has some great advice. My wife died July 2014, with my daughter at the cusp of 16. Yes, I do cave in sometimes because I feel like she has lost so much but feel like I do a pretty good job of not doing it too often. There seems to be something much larger at work here, however. I am wondering if they are ready to move out, and she feels guilt about leaving you alone now. Forcing your hand takes that responsibility away from her and places that decision on you. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with her about this,in person. I also feel that it is your house, your dogs, you are the dad and that they need to abide by your choice to keep the dogs (I also have a Yorkie, so I am biased). Keep in mind that if they do move out - it is THEIR decision, not yours, and don't let them try to instill any sort of guilt in you. Good luck, Torn.

Thank you all for participating in helping to make Widda a better place for us all. Your thoughtful responses are appreciated. The "like stats" count counter has been removed by Wadmin, our technical genius and man-behind-the-curtain.

Congratulations! That is such great news - I am very happy for you

Thank you all so very much - you guys are nothing short of amazing! The day is getting a bit better, and I am so glad the fog is lifting some. As Jen wrote, it does physically hurt sometimes :-( It is so scary to feel so helpless.

Phil, I am very sorry. These significant dates are really tough, just hold on and ride it out. I remember much of the panic and anxiety; facing the rest of our lives without our spouse is pretty damn scary. The only schedule you have to follow right now is your own. You will know when you are ready to scatter Jo's ashes. There is no need to put any additional pressure on yourself.

This past Saturday marked three years since my dad died, and it has really hit me hard (I am 15 months out from my wife dying). I basically spent all day Sunday in bed, sleeping for most of the day. When I wasn't sleeping, I think I was crying. It's really weird, that I felt so "out of it" all day and feel like there is missing time. Before Marsha died, I would have times were I felt down, but nothing like this. It retrospect, it was scary. It's been tough on my loved ones because I was a dark hole, and I know it hurt them to see me that way. It's been a long time since I was this badly depressed. Can I just get a break from grief, now?

Kevsdragonfly, I am so sorry that you had to find us. My wife died suddenly at the age of 39 in our home, over a year ago. Sometimes, it still doesn't seem real to me. Take things day-by-day, right now. Take the moments as they come. The pain will lessen with time.

Oh man! Sorry for such a shitty night, but your post made me laugh! Thank you for that.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses - except Maureen, LOL (I'm a smartass, too ;D ) I think we should always think of our forum in a dynamic state - ever-evolving to best serve to our community. I do remember many members asking for the "like" feature, and cheering its implementation. Does its presence decrease response posts by members? This is quite possible. However, how many members participate on our forum via the "like" button that otherwise would not have posted a reply anyway? Of course it impossible to tell, but please consider that net participation may actually even out when all things are considered. Like Quixote, I too felt it was a "well said". I will often like a post when I agree, but have nothing to add to the discussion. I do agree with WifeLess that the "like" count should likely go away. Given the gravity of situation, I don't know if anyone here cares about the number of "likes" in a competitive sense, but do concede that the counting of them does not have a constructive role here. I will check with our tech admin and see if that feature can be turned off, and then will discuss with our administrator/moderator group before taking any action. Thanks again everyone, Justin

Oh man, #12 hits home for me! DD is an only child, and there weren't really any children her age in our neighborhood, so Dad became her biggest playtime companion outside of daycare/school in her early years.

This was me in the first few months. After the day, I was exhausted and couldn't wait to watch "House of Cards" and drift off to sleep. I would go to sleep with acceptance and wake-up to the realization I was without her again. A reminder it wasn't just a bad dream.

CHM, One of my best friends was in a long-distance relationship, with some plans of his then-girlfriend eventually moving to be with him. He talked about how he would sell his house, and they would buy a new one together because he "couldn't just expect her to drop right into his life". Has your partner expected you to just drop into his life, or do you feel like you have your own identity - maintaining contact with old friends and still pursuing your own interests? I am preparing to move almost 2,000 miles next spring and this is something my lady and I have discussed. She has done everything possible to make our new place together feel like "our home", but still I will be leaving the familiar and it is important to me that I make my own friends (hers are great, BTW) and hobbies when I move. I think it is healthy for me to maintain my own sense of self, and that job is up to me as I get lost inside my own head sometimes. That being said, as you know, compromise is important in a relationship and so is teamwork. My late wife and I struggled with money off and on. It wasn't always her fault by any means, but she was not a good manager of money and refused to discuss things with me. A pride-thing, I guess. This caused a lot of tension and stress just because we couldn't work together to achieve a common goal. She also refused couples therapy when I wanted us to pursue that avenue. We eventually got to a good place, but it could have been so much easier. I am a worrier by nature, and a very anxious person at times. I am slowly learning to: 1) let go of the past, and 2) forgive myself. I know you worry that they damage is done, but try to stay in the present and evaluate where you two are right now. Personally I am quite fond of this passage from the New Zealand Prayer Book (Anglican church), and you don't have to be religious to appreciate its simple beauty: It is night after a long day. What has been done has been done; what has not been done has not been done; let it be. Try to do your best to stay in the moment, be kind and gentle with one another, and find the romance again if you can. My late wife and I spent too much time dredging-up past wrongs when we should have concentrated on the present. I've only had one death anniversary, but yeah - it messed with me some, too. Also, the other significant dates, holidays, changing to fall this year. It is wise that you recognize that you might not be thinking clearly. Perhaps wait a bit before making a decision you may regret later. I wish you all the best. Good luck, Justin

Phil, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. Jess and Mark give excellent advice, and I would like to add: please don't try to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol. I drank way too much at times in the early months, and it just delays the inevitable. You have to hang on through the waves of grief, but I promise you they will calm. -Justin

Amen. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! I, too, try to do my best at looking at the things going right in my life. It gives me hope to carry forward.

TooSoon, You post made me think about the recent day trip that Jess, I and DD made to Tombstone, AZ. We toured Boot Hill Cemetery, because what else would a widow, widower, and a teen that had lost her mom do on a day off, right? I was shocked by the sheer number of graves that were marked as "unknown". A large transient population in a violent boomtown and its environs led to a lot bodies being found that could just could not be identified. BTW, the cemetery is maintained by the town of Tombstone and there are several reminds for visitors to be respectful, and all of the ones we there with were being just that.