Justin

Hey everyone - sorry to be posting so late after the thread started! Being completely open feels good - really good. From my first trip to meet Jess in person at a few days shy of 5 months out, I have been upfront with DD and DW's parents that I felt this relationship was getting serious... As Jess previously wrote, we both knew our own hearts, but didn't trust that others would be able to see what we did. After my first trip to see Jess, I told DW's brother about her - he is a great guy I have known over 20 years. His reply was "okaaayyy. Be careful....." In my own sphere, two things seemed to make a big difference for DW's family: over a year has passed since Marsha's death, and her monument has been installed. It's almost as if this "unfinished business" had to be concluded, and now it is okay to move forward. I don't mean to paint DW's family in a negative light - they have always treated me like a son and brother. It's just now that I feel like I truly have their blessing to pursue my heart. Jess, DD, and I had dinner one night during her visit with DW's parents. They both hugged Jess in the parking lot before entering the restaurant and we had a really nice evening. At one point, DW's mother said to Jess, "Thank you for making my kids smile again." Over and over again, I hear people in my life tell me that they are happy for me & us. It moves me beyond words to have so many people care. Since going "public" on Facebook, I have been floored by the number of comments and likes on posts related to us - including many of my friends from here. During her visit here, Jess got to meet a lot of people from my family and day-to-day life. I have not heard one negative comment and am truly humbled by the support we have received. After all of the shitstorm of grief we have already endured (and which continues), it feels so good to have so many people pulling for us. Hell, I have my bosses from work actively discussing a plan to phase me out for our move to AZ. The company owner hugged me again this morning :-) This is all really a bit funny, considering that about 2 months before I flew out to meet Jess, I had resigned myself to working on me & my grief during DD's junior and senior years of high school. Then, maybe I would consider dating. Well, as we all know here, life rarely goes according to plans. And in this instance, I'm glad it didn't.

I tried it before DW died, but melatonin gave me strange dreams as well. I didn't take that for very long.

Oscarsbeloved, I am glad that you found us, but am so sorry that you have to be here. Everyone's timelines are different; for me, I was about 3 months out before I could look back and tell that I had made any progress. It was about this time that I learned I could laugh again and have a good time, if only for short periods.The shock and fog started to lift a bit earlier. For right now, you just have to make it through each day - minute by minute, if need be. Be sure to take care of yours and your son's needs, and be gentle with yourself. Post here often, and don't be shy about asking for help. There are a lot of really good people here, and we "get it".

Last week, I vacuumed the dog hair off of the couch and loveseat for the first time since DW died. I am 14 months out now... sigh.

I agree, and would just like to add: "...and to be loved by somebody."

The boredom does set in. You get so. fucking. bored. with grief - when the fresh hell doesn't take you over. At three months out, my daughter and I took an 1,800 mile roadtrip through the American South: home, Tupelo, Oxford, New Orleans, Bilox, Gulf Shores, Muscle Shoals, home... It taught me I could laugh again. Have a good time again. All while still missing her, but not feeling guilty at being alive. Still - her absence gnawed at me, wishing she could join her family in the fun... This concept really helped/helps me, and maybe it will you, too. It's all about growing your world to allow space to move around the grief, since it never gets smaller: http://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/bereaved_spouse/f/576/t/74119 http://emergencybunny.blogspot.com/2012/01/ball-of-grief.html Another thing that helps me is to think about each of us - all of humanity - is on a different timeline. These lives interleave, and people come and go in our time. It fucking hurts, but that is what happens to grandparents, lovers, spouses, parents, and children... So now, I try to take each person as I know them, and not take them for granted. If you love them - accept them for who they are, because they might not be here tomorrow. Love in the now.

Peggy, I am so sorry you are here but am glad you found us. I feel that in many ways this community has saved me. This is quite an accurate analogy - part of you is missing. It's going to take a while to heal, and it will hurt, but you are going to learn how to live without that limb. You will learn how to function and enjoy life once again and appreciate the beauty in the world. But not right now. Just as a person who has lost a limb, you have to treat yourself gingerly and take care of yourself. There is much healing that has to take place. I'm still healing, but am starting to learn how to get about without my limb. Although the pain is still present, it's starting to lessen as time moves forward. Hang on - this hell won't be able to keep it up forever.

Amanda, thanks for letting us know how things are going I am very glad to read that are with someone that is treating you right.

Hang in there. Your world has literally been blown to hell, and the life you had is totally unrecognizable. I can remember lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing something would just come and take me. As others have written, we get it. You just have to concentrate on the "now" - just getting through each moment. I promise you won't always feel this way.

Aspen, I think all of us here went through a period where although we didn't think about self-harm, we would have been quite content to curl up and die, too. You are going through a really tough period of personal hell right now. And that is exactly what it is: a personal hell that even our closest loved ones can't imagine - unless they have spouse or love a love this way. I am finding out who I am every day. I was married two months shy of my 20th birthday, and was married for over 21 years. The Justin who I am now is not the same in every way - and I wouldn't expect him to be. The gift of perspective is that I am learning that although I am different, I like the new "me", too. I would have never wished to learn about myself this way by losing my wife, but I am actually excited to see changes in myself that this growth is bringing. Hang on right now: every day, hour , minute, and second. That's all you can do. Take good care of yourself and ride out the storm. It will get better. It's just going to take some time to adjust, but you will. So much of this journey is about perspective, and that will come with time. I was about 3 months out before I had any idea that I could even laugh and have fun again. Now, a bit over a year, I find that most days are good. I still miss Marsha terribly, but she is gone and my daughter and I are still here. It's up to us to enjoy life - something that Marsha doesn't have and in some ways I feel a responsibility to live mine to the fullest. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure makes it easier to live with them. Please feel free to talk with us here whenever you want to - we get it. Our friends and loved ones often can't bear to see our pain, because it hurts them so much and there isn't anything they can do to fix our broken hearts. This is a pain that no one can empathize with unless they have experienced it. Lean on us.

Loving all these tips - please keep them coming! Here's a few more: Verizon Cell Plan - Verizon just dropped all contracts in favor of month-to-month plans. Check it out, as it may save you some money. I changed mine yesterday and will be saving $5 per month. Baking soda - one of my favorite uses (besides brushing my teeth) for baking soda is as an exfoliant. It is gentle on the skin and finer than most store-bought scrubs. Traveling with a cooler - Ever since I can remember, almost all car trips have been made with a small cooler filled with drinks from home. No more stopping for higher-priced drinks at a gas station just because you are thirsty. I freeze water bottles to use as ice packs; then, you can drink those when they thaw. Home printing - I will never again own an inkjet printer at home. I have photos printed commercially (Walgreens, or an online vendor) and only print black and white sheets at home so an inexpensive laser printer is for me. No more wasted, dried up ink as the printer toner lasts forever. I got my printer for $50 new at Office Depot (with a trade-in) - watch for specials. I would recommend a Brother or an HP. Keurig cups - I really love the convenience of my Keurig, but those cups of coffee aren't cheap. I supplement store-bought K-cups with reusuable cups and paper filters purchased on Amazon. Use a fine-ground coffee (I like Cafe Bustelo) and pack the cup tight. There are also cups with built-in screens, but I have high cholesterol and need the paper filter to remove oils. Free music! - Sign up for the NoiseTrade newsletter (noisetrade.com) and receive links to free downloadable music. Most of the artists are ones that I haven't heard of before, but I have discovered a lot of really cool music here. They also have some free ebooks, but they aren't as appealing to my taste.

My daughter was entering her junior year of high school, and since we live in a small town, most of her teachers knew that DW had passed during the summer. I did send a Facebook message to a teacher that was hired right before the school year started, just to give her a heads up. I think it is important for school personnel to know the situation, especially to explain any out of the ordinary behavior from our children.

Wow. I could have written this. I feel like my daughter and I are in a really good place right now. We have done our best to embrace changes and accept happiness as it comes our way. Sometimes, I feel like God or the Universe is saying "Sorry you got such a shitty deal with losing your wife. But here - I want to make things right. I can't bring back your wife, but you can still have a very good life." One evening last month, I was sitting on my new love's patio thinking "Marsha would really like it here." Strange thoughts...

Folks are here are strong and you are, too - even if you don't know it yet. We are all strong because we have to be and staying in that dark place is not an option. I promise you will live again, even though it seems impossible. Right now, you just have to take each moment as it comes, and take good care of your body, mind and emotions. I remember a post that I read when I wasn't too far out: a widow was at her husband's funeral and a friend of theirs turned to her and said, "If there was ever a time to be selfish, now is that time." That has always stuck with me. There were many times I didn't answer the phone or door, just because I didn't have the energy. There is much wisdom in the advice that has already been posted, and I will add: don't abuse drugs or alcohol to numb the pain - it will just delay the grieving process. In the early days, I kept my drinking under control while caring for my daughter because I knew she needed me. On the weekends that she stayed with her grandparents, I would watch Netflix and hit the bottle pretty hard. I remember one day I was pretty lit, but still conscious and lucid. I thought to myself: "I am so drunk right now, but the ache is still right there. It's just as big as it always is." I would later find that nothing would help but friends, family, and time. Don't be afraid to accept help, and don't be afraid to reach out - especially to us. We have all been right there where you are now.

Brenda, first I want to address your concern about posting: you are in no way lowering the tone of this site. Any cares or concerns a widow has could be the same that many others are having. Thank you for sharing with all of us here. My membership to the YWBB boards was approved when I was about 3 weeks out. I quickly became friends with several members, and close to a few of them and especially close to one widow in particular. At around four months out, I knew that I was falling for her quickly, and a little shy of five months out, I was flying 1,800 miles to meet her for the first time. At 13.5 months, we are still happily together and are planning our future. Since you listed your concerns in list-form, I am going to reply to them in that manner 1) As others have said, there is no one-size-fits-all time frame for recoupling. I had been spooked a bit by others talking about the necessity of "doing the grief work", and had convinced myself early on that I would just wait to date until after my DD graduated high school; working on myself in the meantime (DW died the summer before DD's junior year). However, I realized that I could not deny the feelings I was having for my new love and I could not risk not pursuing them. The time is right when you feel it is right. I believe that I was a good husband to my late wife, and I have never had any feelings of guilt. 2) You are wise to consider this possibility. My new love and I did a lot of discussing and soul-searching to make sure that neither of us was acting as a band-aid for the other. We had to make sure that our feelings were real - and they are. We cared too much for each other to go down that road, only to realize later that we wanted something different. 3) See#1. Just be sensitive that other people may think it's too soon - but then again, they don't have to live this reality. I kept things under wraps for a bit to keep from hurting the feelings of DD or DW's family, but it's not their life - it's mine. 4) Only you can answer that question, but think about it: if someone asked if you would do it all over again, live the life you had with your wife only to lose her, what would you say? I suppose that you would answer resoundingly "yes!". My new love and I are planning on being together for a long time, and we both live with the reality that one of us will have to carry on after the other dies. The impending pain of that thought cannot win out over the love and laughter that we have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy until one of us stops breathing. It is worth it to us. 5) I think that a person with a huge capacity to care is the only type of person that would be ready to love again. Needing the touch of another is very real. Your wife isn't coming back to touch you, and neither is mine. That fact is indisputable, so what are we to do? 6) Again, only you can answer this question. For me, I like being a husband. Hell, I love it and want to be one again! That being said, I do not take commitment lightly, and had a lady as special as my new love had not entered my life I would not be settling. 7) I hereby give you permission to be a tearful wreck AND cheerfully think about the next chapter in your life. It is possible, because we had done it over, and over, and over. You will never stop missing your wife and being saddened by her loss BUT that fact does not preclude you from the ability to live life with vigor and enjoy the remaining time you have. There is so much disparity in the world, and some folks have it easy, some get a shit sandwich (like us), and some have it worse and never know love. Our happiness is ultimately up to each one of us. Let yourself be happy and well.

That is good to hear Fern! Our wedding anniversary last year (my first without DW) fell on Thanksgiving, so it was completely overshadowing by the holiday. I don't think anyone remembered but her parents and DD. I was 4.5 months out, and kept it together until I drank too much after dinner and DW's brother had to drive me home and put me to bed. Not my finest moment - that double-whammy of two important dates together just knocked me for a loop. I'm glad that you were able to do better

DD and I recently took a two-week trip out of state and had a fantastic time with my new love in her city. Upon returning home it really hit me how empty our house feels now. It wasn't necessarily any one thing - things in that house just feel so "wrong". I think it had to do with missing my new love and the family dynamic we enjoyed while visiting her, because this "wrongness" was a feeling that had not hit me this hard since the early months. DD and visited a widower friend this past weekend and I didn't have this feeling when we returned to our house. This journey is such a strange one, for sure.

I agree that you did the best you could. I think all of us here know the danger of going down the "what if" path...

Ramona Falls - "Bellyfulla"

I hear you guys - like hikermom wrote, some times i am amazed that I can keep it together letting things roll off my back. Othertimes? Not so good. - Hotel rooms for out of town trip last weekend were nasty. Hated it, but eventually let it go and sucked it up and had a good time. - Car that I am upside-down on? Some interior wood-grain trim recently cracked and then I discovered peeling clear coat on the bumper yesterday. Oh yeah, accidentally bumped into another car a couple of weeks ago and cracked paint on the other side of the bumper. Now it's worth even less, but "thems the breaks" Then, I got in a weird place yesterday and totally lost perspective. Totally ass-backwards. Had a melt-down this morning, went in to work late and have been on the verge of crying all day. I just want to be a good, normal person and not feel on the verge of crazy. At least my therapy session today was productive...

Welcome Catherine and Katie. As we often say, we are glad that you found us but are so sorry that you have to be here. Thank you both for posting and already contributing to our community. There are a lot of good people here, and I've received so much help from them myself.

Ever since my wife died, I have been trying to do better in maintaining an "attitude of gratitude". In the early days, this drive as well as a fear of losing memories led me to start a list of all the things that Marsha did for us and that were appreciated by us. I still have that list, and add to it occasionally if a new memory surfaces. I also found that talking about gratitude with friends helped my perspective, as sometimes when I get down I can't "see the forest for the trees." DD and I regularly discuss our feelings, and one is that we feel that we are actually doing pretty good right now. We still love and miss Marsha everyday, but we know that despite this pain we are going to be okay. I think that this outlook is key to keeping us from getting stuck for too long at one time.

I should've been more specific, or maybe I didn't even realize what I was saying myself when I posted. A lot of veteran widows say they post less now, and I think that's totally normal and natural, and was the case at YWBB as well (unless I'm wrong). But the newly widowed section was always so busy, with some people posting several times a day and tons of responses. I think it's the lack of vocal/processing new widows that I'm noticing most starkly. Mizpah, you are correct. As Jess mentioned earlier, we are are actually adding new members are a fairly regular basis; however, these new members are not posting very much (or at all). I seem to recall that there were waxing and waning periods of activity on YWBB. For myself, I feel a bit guilty for not posting and sharing more in the last few months. My wid community has been there for me and I need to continue to give back on a regular basis. I'm in a really good place right now and just have been identifying myself less as a widower lately and thinking of that status as being just one more facet of the total "me".

How's that? ^^^^

Thank you so much, Virgo! We had such a fantastic visit with Jess, and those two weeks went by WAY too fast. I am such a blessed man in that not only do have such a wonderful woman in my life, but also she and DD like each other very much and get along great! DD is beginning her senior year of high school in just a few days, and we are planning on moving to AZ as soon as possible after her graduation. We have already toured two university campuses out there (with Jess!) and are making preparations to sell our house and move. All three of us are ready to be together in one place