Justin

I had this same thought Mark, but I only made through about the first third of the article before deciding I had read enough. Some days, I just feel like I have had my fill of death...

Fuchsia, I am so very sorry. Please continue coming here for support and lean on us. Remember, right now you just have to "be". Justin

Yes... but some hot coffee with a splash or rum or Kahlua might keep you warmer!

Our church organized a small memorial service in our church's memory garden. It was very nice, with a few members of our church, myself, DD, and DW's family attending. Afterwards, DD and I drove to a nearby state park and spent some time just reflecting before heading home. All in all, it was a good day and I found that the lead-up was worse than the actual day.

My daughter is 17, and does pretty good with the day-to-day aspect of grief most days, now (we are 15 months out). It is the milestones that tend to get her really contemplative and missing Mom. We found out two days ago that she will be receiving a partial academic scholarship to the University she will be attending. It was bittersweet after the initial elation wore off, as she thought a bit about proud Mom would be of her - and hoping that she somehow knows. It was killing me inside, too.

It reminds me of the poem "On Joy and Sorrow" by Kahlil Gibran: http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html I had this poem printed out and posted on my home bulletin board during those first months.

I remembered this one today: After DW's graveside service, my uncle asked me what kind of car I was driving. Really?

Today, I went today for the first time in about three or four weeks - I would say that is my average now, about once per month just to check on the flowers and make sure grass isn't stuck on the her stone. DD and I don't really feel her there - visits just tend to make us sad.

Chevygirl, I'm so glad that you found us, but so sorry that you had to go looking for us. As Trying wrote, you will find much support from the good people here. Don't be afraid to post as much as you like, and as often as you want to. This forum (and its predecessor) have literally helped me keep it together and I have made many life-long friends. Although I am quite a bit older, I also was widowed in July and have a daughter. She was almost 16 at the time we lost her mom, which of course is much different that raising a two year-old, but I get that parenting solo is hard. There are quite a few wids here that do have small children or did when they were widowed. Seek out their collective knowledge and advice, but don't worry about looking too far into the future. I was just a little further out than you when I could look back and see that I was making progress. Hang in there!

That is such great news!

Donna, Absolutely nothing wrong with that! I am now much more focused on spending money on experiences than on stuff: no one can take those memories from me, and I hate being a slave to possessions, whether it be debt or just maintenance of them.

Brenda, only you know what is right for you. I will say that when I started having romantic feelings for my new love at four months out, I had zero guilt. We all have our self-doubts now and again, but I know that I was a good and faithful husband to my wife. I also accepted that she is not here anymore, but dammit! - I am, and I am alive. I could not deny what was happening and how much my heart started yearning. That being said, we have been careful to slowly acclimatize loved ones in our lives to our relationship for fear that they might not be ready for our relationship - even though we totally were. Weird, right? I absolutely do not think it is too soon for you; just make sure that you are do not use a relationship as a band-aid for your grief.

I have budgeted for years using a Google Docs spreadsheet. I usually plan 4-6 weeks out, and plan paying bills to coincide with paydays. I now have a Capital One Venture credit card that earns 2% towards travel, which helps when your girlfriend lives 1,800 miles away! I pay everything I can on that card and stay on top of bi-weekly payments to prevent interest accrual.

That is a tough one. At 14 months out, my daughter doesn't get pictures out and view them as much as she did in the earlier days. There is one framed picture of DW in her bedroom, one of them together in the living room, and one in my bedroom. I was looking through some digital photos the other night, and felt fine. I awoke in the early morning extremely angry and sad, and had a mini-meltdown. As MissinGrizz wrote, you have to decide what's right for you and your kids. As of late, talking about Mom makes my daughter sad so we don't as often as we used to. She was two weeks shy of 16 when DW died, so her memories are many. Frankly it makes me sad, too.

It for sure affects me - even before DW died. Several days of rain and cloudiness are sure to send me into a funk, as is I needed more help...

Welcome Kat, I'm glad that you found us. This is my only group, as well - I don't know what I would do without the dear friends that I have made here. The loss of my own identity is probably the hardest thing for me to convey to others that have not lost a spouse. Your whole life and self has been literally blown to hell, and you are left trying to find out who you are now. My daughter and I have been doing our best to embrace change as both it comes and we make it, and it helps us. We both realize that the life we had is gone, but our new one can still be really good, too. Take care, and don't be afraid to post as much as you would like.

Exactly! When Jess and I started posting pictures together to Facebook, I was pleasantly surprised by the numbers of "likes" and comments each received - and even more so by things my friends and neighbors told me in person. It feels so good to have others share in our happiness, and I hope that the experience is the same for you. Congratulations on taking that step - it is a big one!

mandraps, Welcome to Widda, and for already participating in out community! I have read your post a couple of times, but cannot determine your exact situation. Is is that you trying to decide if he will move to Utah, or you to Idaho? Or had the decision to move to Idaho already been made, and the strife is resulting from the fact that steps have not been taking towards the move. I apologize for being a bit dense at times...

This is great advice - I was this way even before DW died. The only people that I tell things are those whose opinion I value, AND who won't go gossiping (I love my mom, but she can keep no secrets)

Thank you for the link - it spoke to me, as well. Wishing you a gentle and peaceful day today, Justin

I don't feel like I have been overcompensating, but I definitely embraced change even very early out. I realized that the life I had with DW was over - blown to hell and was never coming back. I felt like if I ever even tried to re-create it, I would be setting myself up for disappointment and it would feel so "false". At even about 1 month out, I had made up my mind to sell our house and move when DD finished high school. To where, I didn't know but I knew it wasn't healthy for me long-term to stay in the house she died in. I saw my grandfather do that, and I didn't want to live out my days that way. Now, DD and I have concrete plans for moving next spring. We are both super-excited about it and you would think that enthusiasm would be a great motivator to finish some projects in the house and prepare it for sale. However, I'm so over living there I just want out. Going to start breaking up projects in small pieces because I've got to get busy.

At a little over 14 months out, I feel that I am beyond active grieving for the most part. There was a time I thought that I never, ever would get here - but I have. Most of the time, I am doing really well with acceptance - although, there are days when for a split-second I feel like I am in some alternate universe thinking, "How could she not be here?". Like Trying, I have been working hard on my grief intentionally. And when it does come, I let it wash over me and then away.

Me too. There is something about being able to look at your tangible accomplishment, however small. However, I hate doing dishes. Go figure.

Not wrong at all. The bad dreams come from within, and if she believes Daddy is protecting her - he is. I don't care what some people say, the "magic" of a child's belief cannot ever be matched.

Thank you! I shared this quote with a friend that really needed to hear it