Things began to look up when I finally acknowledged that his death was the biggest shock of my life. I had begun getting out, not grieving every minute and acknowledging that there was an identity beyond widowhood. But I was hiding my grief in a bunch of ridiculous excuses for relationships. Each failure was another excuse to miss him more. I needed to feel alive again with out dating and sex which I mistakenly thought brought me past active grieving. I am a believer in continuing bonds with my husband. I miss him but I am mostly used to it. I do feel that I am bringing him along with me but carving out my new life. I'll be widowed longer than I was married soon. Acknowledging the incredible shock helped me stop being obsessed with how I was going to try and control anything and everything in life to prevent that kind of devastation again. I dont ever want to be totally beyond grief but being beyond active is pleasant to say the least