Trying

So happy to hear this update! Organ donors and their families who give consent in their darkest moments are true heroes.

I had some very mixed reactions when I started telling people about my post widow relationship. It also started unexpectedly when I was less than a year out and I kept it secret for several months. My kids and my MIL had the worst reactions, my sister was not supportive but mostly kept her thoughts to herself, my mom, SIL and FIL were very supportive. I never had to deal with social media bullying but dealt with a lot of guilt and hurt. My MIL and kids have since come around and we are now engaged and living together. As respectful I thought I was being to my kids and my in laws about not forcing my relationship on them, it didn't matter. Their grief dictated their reaction and they were more comfortable with the lonely tortured widow I was in the early months, someone they could pity, than they were thinking about me being a human with needs for companionship and intimacy. I wish I had been able to let there reactions roll off my back but it was really quite difficult. Thankfully it has passed as I hope and expect it will for you too.

It's a tough line to walk and awful to have to overthink giving a girl a thoughtful little gift. I say just be you and let Dad talk to her about how to navigate the subject of you with her mom to minimize the negative reactions.

I remember the feeling of reliving the last weeks and days as I approached the first anniversary. I don't think it's a pain that can be avoided and we each have to just get through it any way we can. It sounds like you have a good plan for you and the girls and my only advice is to be prepared to be completely unprepared on how the day will go. Big hugs to you and your girls.

Thank you so much for sharing this! Early on I tried to explain the differences to a divorced mom but she couldn't get past saying "I know exactly what you are going through". At the time I was focused on the fact that she had every other weekend "off" as well as a few nights during the week and that her childrens' father attended every sporting event, school function and church activities. He was there to handle the difficult teen son conversations and discipline. I was alone, 24/7 to raise 3 boys, to be the taxi, the cook, the maid, the cheerleader, the disciplinarian and to take the brunt of their emotions over losing their Dad. I had to do all of this while missing and mourning the man I loved for 25 years. Now at 3 1/2 years out I am engaged to a divorced Dad and I see a little more of the struggles of the other side. It's not a contest about who has it worse but there is acknowledgement that the challenges are different. We are not the same, we do not know exactly what the other is going through. What I have learned is that the best thing to do is to have empathy for each person's individual struggle and to never assume we have all of the answers. We can take comfort in similarities of experiences and learn from solo, single or dual parents once we remove the assumption that we are all the same. All that being said, I still sometimes feel like screaming at fiancé's ex that she should be grateful that her boys having a living, loving and involved Dad in their life and appreciate the the free time she has when they are with us.

Blending has so many challenges as I am learning and I think late teens into early adulthood is some of the most challenging times as a parent let alone as a step parent. It may be easier on your relationship if you wait to blend until his son is out of high school but keep in mind that graduation doesn't always mean they move out. Moving out doesn't always mean they stay moved either. Do your best to not let your differences come between you while still maintaining the standards you keep for your children. Easier said than done, I know.

I am sure that the uncertainty of what the future holds is very anxiety provoking. You may have to reinvent yourself out of necessity once Andy secures a position and while this must be scary I think it could also be exciting! You're dissatisfied in your current position and this could be the opportunity to find more fulfillment and something new to put your energy and passion in. Sharing the burdens of "breadwinning" can give you some freedom to make choices that are ultimately going to be better for you without the necessity to keep playing it safe. Nothing will erase all that you have accomplished to date, those accomplishments you own. I hope Andy secures a position soon so you can start moving forward, in the meantime try not to let the unknown make you too crazy. My comment on the feminist conflict is this, I don't think you being the breadwinner made your late husband any less of a man just as I don't think making decisions based on Andy's career makes you any less a feminist. Both ways it's putting the best needs of the family first.

Lots of great ideas here! For me it was letting go of a lot the volunteer stuff with school, church and sports and prioritizing the things I did say yes to for the ones my kids would be directly impacted by like class trips or working the book fair on the day their class was coming. Behind the scenes things like baking or soliciting donations took time away from kids so they are now a no. I have someone mow my lawn, plow snow and clean the house twice a month. In the early months I would do grocery delivery service for bulk stuff so I could just pop into a small grocery store for produce and last minute dinner items and avoid the large supermarket whenever posssible (a major source of anxiety for me). Crock pot meals and easy to throw together meals were a necessity. My middle son was at a catholic high school and I paid to have his shirts laundered and pressed to cut down on me ironing or arguing with him about ironing. while my youngest was still in elementary school he went to the after school program and homework and outside playtime were taken care of and they also let me drop him at the before school program once or twice a month when I had an early meeting at work. I have now changed my career and opened my own small massage therapy practice so I set my own schedule. cutting myself slack was the biggest challenge, admitting I just can't do it all took me a long time.

Bunny I love your attitude of not feeding into someone's negativity and need for conflict. Unfortunately she does all of her negative communicating through texts and emails and the very few times we have been face to face she is pleasant. Last night she sent over 2 slices of white bread with the crust cut off and a single serving jar of jelly for the complicated jelly sandwich she thinks I can't handle. I guess if she needs to think that she is the only person who can give her children the right lunch then I should just let her keep believing that. The three meals a day we feed them every weekend don't seem to concern her a bit. My main priority is not letting her craziness come between us, we are creating a nice blended family unit here and that's what is important and he and I agree we will never undermine her in front of the kids no matter how much she tries create conflicts.

Skywalkmom you are hitting what I found to be the hardest part of the marathon that being a widowed parent is. Fatigue and self doubt was at its heaviest for me in the second part of the first year which is why this section is "reality sets in". None of us had children with the thought we could be doing it alone and now when being faced with the most difficult time of our lives we have to take on so much additional responsibilities. You can do this, you will do this because you have been given no other choice. It will be hard, you may make some mistakes (I made many) and you may want to quit on a daily basis. But eventually you will find things being more manageable. You will find yourself enjoying moments with your children and feeling happy more often. 3 1/2 years later there are still difficult days raising my kids alone but they are not the majority of my days. Sometimes I still wonder what things would be like for my kids if he was still here but I have come to accept our reality for what it is. I have never been good about asking for or accepting help and that was probably my biggest mistake. Family and friends want to help but don't always know how and over time they tend to forget what our daily struggle is. Ask for help when you can, it doesn't mean you are not strong, it means you are smart enough to know you are not super human.

Yes she is extremely rigid and spouts statistics about the high divorce rate for second marriages. I know my youngest is benefiting from having a man around the house. His 2 are young and don't have real memories of their parents being together so I think they are benefitting from seeing a healthy and loving relationship that will hopefully be a model for them. I also know solo parents who are raising amazing kids on their own. I wish all kids could grow up in an intact family with 2 loving parents but when that doesn't happen we have to do the best we can.

I don't know if any of you listen to Dr Laura on the radio. I love her even though I often don't agree with her and find myself yelling at her in the car. She says there should never be serious dating or remarriage when kids are under 18, for divorced or widowed or never married. I can totally see her point given my own situation but I know I am so grateful for my stepdad who help raise me and I hope my youngest and finances kids will feel the sam

I am so sorry for your loss and the raw pain you are feeling. I know you feel lost right now, accept whatever help people offer in these early days and maybe ask a best friend or relative to organize help for you and the kids since you probably don't even know what you need right now. You don't have to be strong today, there will be plenty of time for that later. If possible try not to focus on the future, it is too much to fathom right now, keep your focus on the moments in front of you, sleeping, eating a little, making arrangements and holding your children close. All of us here have walked in your steps and we will be here while you face the unthinkable days ahead.

Thank you Forgottenwife, I'm a step kid myself! My step dad really was my dad because my real father was a no good alcoholic and my step mom was wonderful and kept things stable when we had to spend time with him. typec and MrsDan I hope when you get to the point of cohabiting things go a little easier for you. She has kept on with the emails today saying that I am lying about packing lunch for her son. She feeds him nothing but junk and jelly sandwiches and against my own judgement I packed him a jelly sandwich on white bread because that's what he's used to. I threw in some grapes because he eats them up like crazy at our house. She asked H to check with her about what to feed them from now on. Ha! We feed them all the time and have been working hard to get youngest to try some healthy food. The older one is a great eater and will try anything but the youngest lives on pizza bagels, jelly sandwiches and breakfast sausage. H has tried to talk to her about his eating habits and her answer is she doesn't want him to be hungry or unhappy and she knows what's best. Meanwhile he is overweight. I wish it didn't bother me so much that she creates this drama. I also wish she would take me up on my many offers to,talk directly with her.

Sorry this is long and rambling... Finance moved in in November and we have his 2 sons (6 &7 ) parttime. It took us a while to convince their mom to let us have them overnight 2 days during the week (she used to pick them up at bedtime because H leaves too early in the morning to get them to the before school program). He has always had them overnight on the weekends and I have been a part of that since November. She is very difficult to deal with and I know that most of her ridiculous complaints are really because she doesn't like them spending time with me. They are very happy well adjusted boys and I have 3 boys of my own so it's not my first rodeo. My biggest issue is learning to take a back seat in the parenting of these awesome little boys. H would love me to fill the mommy role but they have a mommy. I feel like I'm supposed to play more of a supporting role and have to let some things slide that she allows. They do understand that there are some different house rules at Daddy's house than at Mommy's. I've been doing the mom thing for almost 21 years so how do I best navigate the step mom thing? I'm sensitive to how it must feel for her kids to have another woman being such a big part of their lives and hearing about things we do together but she is looking for things to complain about. She emailed him that she knew it was a mistake to have me get them off to school because 6 year old didn't like the snack I packed and was starving. The snack I packed was leftover in his lunch box that she packed the day before and I gave him the exact unhealthy lunch she packs him every day. I know I need to let all of her complaints roll of my shoulders because I can see how happy the boys are. When she moans and complains about life as a single mom I want to scream that her 2 kids have 3 loving and involved parents while I had been raising 3 completely alone without 2 evenings and every other weekend free. He volunteers in their class, does all soccer practices and games (she never goes to a game), he goes to parent teacher conferences and does homework with them. Yes she does a lot on her own on the days she has them but it's not every day. Thanks for letting me vent. I would love any words of wisdom from other step parents!

Unfortunately anger is very common as part of the grief process and the part I was most uncomfortable with. I had never been a particularly angry person so I didn't like that part of me when it would rear it's ugly head. At 3 1/2 years it is not really an issue very often. It sounds like you are taking some really positive steps to have a healthy outlet with the boxing, exercise and just venting. There are some great breathing techniques that you can use in the moment to help center yourself that can work really well if you remember to use them (it took me a while to get to the point where I would remember I had that tool). 4-7-8 is the one I like but there are others (Google "Dr Andrew Weil relaxing breath exercise"). It something you can do right in front of people without drawing attention unlike punching or screaming into a pillow. I agree that while anger is understandable it is also toxic and we need to learn to deal with. The people who run into trouble are the ones who use their grief as an excuse for anger and don't try to control it, that is obviously NOT you.

MrsDan I definitely understand how scary it is to make these major decisions alone while being the "one and only" in charge of so much. It sounds like an exciting new opportunity, I wish you the best! You've got this, you will handle this like you have all of the other challenges you've faced, head on, despite the fears.

Of course your loss is just as significant. I'm sorry your mother seems stuck on the legal sense of the word widow instead of the emotional repercussions of the loss you have suffered. All of us widows mourn the person we loved and chose to spend our lives with and we mourn the shared future we planned that will never happen. That defines you exactly. My heartfelt sympathies go out to you and I hope you find some comfort in this group.

Over a foot here in CT. I made a hug pot of sauce and meatballs, shoveled snow for over 2 hours with my 12 year old after my driveway was plowed and have been rewatching all of the episodes of "This is Us" in anticipation of the season finale tonight. School already is cancelled tomorrow so I will be home with my youngest and finance's 2 little guys while he continues to plow roads. Oh and I've switched from herbal tea to Cabernet.

I know my views on relationships have changed since being widowed. There were some unresolved issues in my marriage, things I resented but did nothing about because the partnership was good overall. Now in my current relationship I want to discuss everything, be as open as possible as deal with things as they come up. I'm sure it's hard to see your friend not fighting to keep her marriage when you have a different perspective. As for your ex I would say tread cautiously. People can change and grow up but sometimes people just follow the same pattern. Revisiting those feelings of when things were good between the two of you must be very tantalizing for both of you and a little flirting can be a great boost to the spirits. Curious to hear what his "hard questions" are.

The crazy ex is not a fun situation to be in. You can't control her or her reaction to your relationship, unfortunately. It would probably be better if she finds out sooner rather later and NG should decide how best that should happen. I have a crazy ex situation too but so far she saves her crazy for him and is polite to me in our very limited interactions. This may change soon because of some concerning situations that may lead my guy to head back to family court. We have no desire to take the kids away from her but she is not forthcoming about some serious things in her home that directly effect them. Also now that we are living together he want to enforce the 50/50 custody and she is resistant (he has to be at work before the "before school" program starts so he couldn't have them overnight during the week when living alone and only has them 4 hours after school). Keep your distance when possible, maintain your dignity and take the high road whenever you can. If she freaks out and you don't let her see it getting to either of you she will hopefully burn out eventually. Good luck, this guy sounds like he's worth it!

Rob, what I'm hearing now from you is that the dinner planning isn't just about teaching them responsibility, skills and how to contribute to the running of a household but it's also about helping you out. That's a legitimate need that you recognize. Have you talked with the girls about this part of it? If they understand that planning and cooking dinner every night is a big stress on you and that you are more pleasant and relaxed when they share in this chore maybe they would be more motivated. Another tool I love is the reminder alarm on the phone! Sunday at noon, first alarm "Plan dinner menu!" Second alarm 2:00 "get Dad your grocery list asap". That eliminates 2 nagging reminders from you so maybe you only have to add one or two nags.

Some days just plain suck in this widow life. I'm glad you came here to vent because we do understand. His 30th birthday. Of course you miss him and you also mourn the life you had planned together. Hoping today is a little brighter for you.

No hijack at all! Fiancé doesn't have PTSD or an abusive upbringing but obviously has issues regarding medical care. I would like him to get to the root of it for both of our sakes since we are not getting any younger and there is a strong likelyhood of more medical appointments in our future. He has been really trying hard to make it up to me since but while I appreciate he acknowledges it I would rather he work on not letting it happen again.

Rob I have always admired that you do this with your girls, you are teaching them responsibility on so many levels. Can you have each of them put 4 menu options on their phone and tell them if they haven't made a decision by noon on Sunday then they have to check the ingredients of one of their stock menus and get it to you immediately. I know some weeks I just can't get myself to decide what to cook and having some standard dinner options to turn to helps. As far as natural consequences I think having to "make do" with whatever is in the house is a real consequence (one I face myself at times). Having pasta and canned tomatoes in the pantry and frozen veggies and chicken breasts in the freezer means there is always something I can cook. One other idea is to teach them the benefit of bulk cooking on a Sunday. They can make a big batch of sauce and meatballs or stew and freeze in portions for several emergency dinner options they can pull out if they failed to meet your shopping deadline. Teenagers will always find loopholes, it is some kind of gift! Ha! As frustrating as this must be at times for you I give you so much credit for sticking to it.