Trying

Before we were living together we went through similar issues. His kids are young, on the nights he had them and every other weekend we did not do things together. On the weekends he did not have them he expected me to have my older boys babysit the youngest and complained we couldn't spend more time together on those weekends. It was frustrating for both of us. Being the one with kids 24/7 I was expected to make arrangements and leave them out of my plans and his time with his kids was precious and limited and obviously a priority for him. Before we got engaged we gradually began to spend time together when we had his kids. Now that we live together it's more about family time when we have his kids and my youngest is old enough to stay home alone so we can go out to dinner when we don't have his kids. There are still issues at times, we have never had a babysitter for his kids so every other weekend we are not available for any adult socializing, I would have to go alone if there was an event or party. This is a long winded way of saying that I have no advice but I think what you are experiencing isn't unusual in a relationship with someone who only has partial custody of children. It doesn't make it any less frustrating to know you're not alone though.

I remember crying at the DMV when I took his name off of the car and boat. I get it.

Some times those FB memories are like a punch in the gut. That life feels like it belonged to someone else.

We are having some issues in this area. My 21 year old son doesn't live at home so no issue there. My 19 year does live at home and is a total slob and can be inconsiderate. He makes me crazy, but I'm used to him. He makes my fiancé insane! At 19, he is not going to accept any parenting from fiancé but we have agreed he should say something in the moment when it's about being inconsiderate to others in the house (leaving shoes to be tripped on, leaving lights on, blocking parking). However we still argue about him pretty regularly. A lot of the things that aggravate him are what I consider typical for his age while the complete sloppiness is beyond normal. I guess the difference is that he is my son and I have loved him for 19 years so I can see more to him than the negatives. He and fiancé have not developed a close relationship at this point so fiancé sees him as an annoying border living in our home. He gets angry, yells at me because he can't yell at son and I get defensive. Not good. We have about a year before he can move out and hopefully we can survive until then. My youngest is 13 and he and fiancé have a nice relationship that is morphing into step dad/ step son gradually and naturally. I still set the rules and discipline but he has no problem asking him to do chores or giving him advice. Fiancé boys are younger 6 & 8 and I have stepped into step mother mode as far as house rules, dealing with issues as they arise, reading bed time stories and getting them to school. I defer to him for bigger issues and decisions still but it's been pretty easy with them accepting me in this role. There are times I struggle with not having control over some things but it's more about their mother's parenting style being very different than mine, not his.

We had a great day on the boat and cooking out at home. We had all 5 boys this morning before son #2 had to go to work and oldest son stayed for dinner before heading back to his place. A perfectly lovely blended family day.

I got my oldest, now almost 21, to move out last fall. It was best for him and for me. He needed a dose of reality and I needed my sanity. He is learning about responsibility and our relationship is really good now. My 19 year old has 12 months of school ahead of him to become an electrician and he will move out shortly after he finishes and is working, something he wants also. We still struggle with how sloppy (really I need a bigger word to describe his mess) he is and the lack of initiative when it comes to chores. He does have a job and rarely eats at home and until he finishes school I will continue to pay his car insurance and cell phone bill. I definitely let my older 2 have way too much leniency after DH died and it really did them a disservice. I'm trying to fix that now but I know how hard it is. It sounds like your son needs a deadline to move out and should be contributing to at least the grocery bill in the meantime. I vote for the trailer and keep it just for you! You deserve some peace and a chance to make a life for yourself.

I say keep looking around, send out an updated resume, and see what options are out there for you. Put out some positive energy and affirm only the positive things you are seeking in a new job. I think if you open yourself up to new opportunities the right job will come. Life is too short to be putting so much time and energy into a job that is asking you miserable. Yes, some times we have to suck it up to pay the bills but that doesn't mean you can't be looking for something better in the mean time. Good luck!

Right now you overwhelmed by shock and grief and the idea that it does get easier with time is probably very hard to imagine. As much as you can, focus on the here and now. You are in survival mode and need to accept all of the help that is offered and focus on taking care of yourself and your daughters. You will slowly start to find moments where you feel you can handle things and those moments will vary in frequency and duration for a while. Gradually joy will creep in, in much the same way. This new life that feels impossible will start to take shape. I had a hard time accepting the setbacks in my grief journey once I had started to feel a little more in control but I came to realize that it is a winding road with ups and downs and became more grateful for the stretches of calm when I felt like I was just cruising and catching my breath. As I approach 4 years I can say that I no longer feel the pain of grief, and when sadness hits me I know it will pass.

My feelings on your first question: I am 48 and did feel head over heels in love in the early phase of my relationship with NG. Then it evolved into a more practical, honest, real love. For me, having a relationship at this age is different than when I was in my early 20's because we are both fully formed adults with needs and quirks and responsibilities. We don't have the luxury of an all consuming love. Chemistry and companionship become equally important and wanting to share a life together feels different than the neediness I felt when I was younger. When fiancé and I were dating he also had much more free time than I did and it did cause some conflict at times. Now that we live together (and I'm down to only one kid with activities to go to) it's not an issue any more. I think it's important for you to have your alone time and find a way to explain to him that this is the way you recharge and not because you don't enjoy spending a lot of time with him. You don't want to start to feel resentful and if he loves you he should be able to respect that need. The long goodbyes? I have no advice there, it sounds like he really hates to be alone. I hope you are able to find a good balance so you can enjoy your summer!

Obviously not all men think alike nor do all women think alike. On a formum like this, where we are predominately women, and most of the men are here only in the early months, I think we at least need to listen to the male opinion, even if we don't agree, when we are looking for insight with the men in our lives. I wish we had a broader range of men to share with but as my DH would say "it is what it is". I know my fiancé (and in the past my DH) thinks and reacts very differently than me. I may not always be receptive and he may not always communicate well but I feel that we should each try to understand the perspective of the other. This weekend is an example where we both were set in our limited way of thinking and the tension felt insurmountable. At some point you either have to agree to disagree while respecting each other's feelings or walk away.

Although I don't want to defend Portside's blunt delivery I do think his male perspective is relevant. My fiancé, when frustrated by his ex, often gives in just to end the argument and if I start nagging or complaining about how he is handling it he has said to me that he really can't handle two women attacking him. Not having been divorced I am trying to understand or at least respect his position. The time leading up to the divorce, the divorce negotiations and the time after were very stressful, emotionally exhausting, with lots of anger on both sides. He wants desperately for that to be behind them and have a civil relationship for the sake of the kids. I don't think any of this means that we shouldn't be able to voice our own needs and boundaries in our relationship but I think that trying to understand our partner's motivation can help us approach the topic with less anger and defensiveness so maybe they can hear us better. I am working at this myself, though too often my own emotions get in the way.

I think the issue is that we know that the worst case scenario can actually happen. I freak out about any GI problems with my kids because my DH suffered with Crohn's disease and died from an aggressive colon cancer. Middle son also has Crohn's as well as liver disease. i try not to live in fear but I will always worry and some times it gets the better of me.

Dealing with an ex is a whole new thing for me too and I find it very difficult even if the reasons are different than yours. I'm learning how complicated divorce is and that rational and logical behavior is not a given. When I get judgemental or too opinionated on how he should be handling things with his ex it doesn't end well. He gets more than enough grief from her and doesn't need me adding to it. Having someone you love still involved in a dysfunctional relationship that you have to keep your nose out of is not easy.

For those Dads who are doing it all alone, the moms trying to fill the shoes of the one who is missing and the children who are without a Dad to celebrate with, I wish you peace today.

Thanks everyone. We went to the GI doctor yesterday but only saw the PA who ordered more blood work, cultures and and ultrasound. Next week will see the doctor and decide if he needs a colonoscopy and MRI of his liver. I was able to be calm and encouraging for him but I know he's worried too. After that appointment I had to go to a 4 hour Hospice training inservice. Needless to say I was emotionally spent by the time I got home!

I have stayed Mrs. at almost 4 years but my mom switched to Ms.

Raising a child on your own and being the sole person responsible for everything is exhausting. Please don't give up, even if you only find a few minutes, do something that brings you joy. You deserve happiness. The lost friends thing is a part of this that no one warns about.

I have never been one to share my feelings or troubles with even those closest to me. This has caused me to lose a lot friends post widow because in the beginning I couldn't stand people feeling sorry for me then I had no interest in hearing about their normal every day issues while I was in so much pain. Then my kids started struggling and didn't like feeling judged. I shut people out and now that I am at almost 4 years out and beyond active grieving I regret some of the people I shut out of my life. I did and continue to do most of my sharing here and with my therapist.

DH had Crohn's disease and died from a rare and aggressive form of colon cancer that may or may not be associated with his Crohn's. Middle son was diagnosed with Crohn's disease at 12 and a rare untreatable liver disease associated with a very small percentage of people with IBD Last night oldest son, who has IBS was in ER for suspected appendicitis but turned out to be infection/inflammation in GI tract and elevated liver enzymes, needs to go back to GI doctor. Honestly I don't know how much more I can take. My poor kids (older 2 are actually young adults now) watched their Dad suffer and have to worry that they are following his same horrible health pattern. I'm cursing the genetics that continue to hurt the people I love. It's so hard to sound positive and strong for them when I'm really panicked and fighting thoughts of worse case scenario.

Cancer just plain sucks! I am very sorry you are going through this and that you are missing the comfort of your DH. Wishing you healing and peace.

Congratulations on the house, the job and the engagement!

I am so sorry for your loss and for he betrayal you have discovered. I didn't experience this so I have no advice really. I would imagine that sharing this with his family would only cause them more pain but maybe someone close to you could be a good support if you share it with them. I'm not sure if you've done any grief counseling but I would suggest it if you can because you must have so many conflicting emotions alongside your grief. If you chose in the future to look for another relationship you will want to have worked through trust issues from this betrayal so you can have a healthy relationship. For now, I give you tight hugs as you deal with this.

Very shallow! Attraction is about so much more than the initial first impression. Sometimes you are talking to someone and you can get lost in their expressive eyes or a dimple shows up when they smile a real genuine smile that you hadn't noticed at first. Those men could be missing out on really special ladies, glad you were able to see them for who they were and move on. Aside from that, if someone took the time to get themselves ready for a date, made time for the date, drove to the date I would be respectful enough to share a cup of coffee and some conversation. This is a world of instant gratification and online dating brings out the worst in some people.

I'm glad you have decided to try grief counseling. It must be awful not knowing exactly what happened, I hope the answers come sooner than they expect. This is a wonderful group to find support, to feel less alone and less crazy while you are navigating your grief. For now, try not to look too far ahead, focus on the basics like you are and be patient with yourself. The one thing you can be sure of with grief is the inconsistency of emotions and reactions day to day and Minute to Minute. This is one of the worst things a person can experience, unimaginable to those around you who haven't been through it, accept whatever support friends and family offer but realize they will be limited at times by their lack of understanding. I was very angry with people for what I thought were insensitive comments but at almost 4 years out I realize they just couldn't understand completely but tried their best because they loved me.

I think that would completely depend on the relationship between the people involved. Remaining "family" in a situation like this would be a choice. My step dad was my dad from a very young age and had he outlived my mom he always would have been. I hope that my 2 young adult children form a bond with my fiancé and his kids such that they would continue to have a relationship with them if something happened to me. I'm pretty sure my now 13 year old has that type of bond already.