Trying

Klim I was exactly like you for so long, asking and accepting help was so difficult! I think I had to convince myself that I could handle everything because I was so overwhelmed when DH died with everything that fell on my shoulders. Happily now that we are engaged and living together it is much easier because we function as a team so it's more about dividing up responsibilities. Of course there have been some bumps in the road with figuring out our roles and integrating our ways but looking back I wonder why I was so stubborn for so long. I also agree with Arneal that "doing" and "fixing" is a way many men show they care, refusing their help is like saying no to flowers or a gift. Opening yourself up to this will make you feel vulnerable but if he's a good guy it may be worth it.

I can relate to what you are feeling because I have had the same reaction to people praising God for answering their prayers or saying things like "God must have plans for you still here". My DH also had countless prayers and masses said for him. He was a good man with so much left to do here. If God only saved the good and punished the less deserving with terminal disease or fatal accidents we would have no rapists, murderers, terrorists or other bad people. My prayers have changed a bit since the loss of my Dad and DH. I now pray that people have the strength to endure whatever struggle they are facing regardless of the outcome. I don't pray for God to pick one person to save over another. Don't beat yourself up for the way you are feeling. I'm sure you are very happy for your friend despite the fact that her good results highlight how you and your DH were cheated. Life is not fair and it's ok to be mad about that sometimes.

Wheelerswife says it all so well. I barely remember 3 months because it was such a dark time. Shock had worn off, the immediate rush of details to attend to had passed, the people around me moved on with their lives and the days dragged on with no ability to see a future. I also did not believe that time would change the way I felt and in many ways I didn't want to feel differently. I didn't know who I was without him and I didn't have the energy to find out. Keep posting and reading here, we understand. Try not to look too far ahead, you aren't supposed to have it all figured out yet.

Hugs to you. I'm glad to hear you are in a good place and can enjoy new interests, that's something most of could never have imagined possible for us.

I love what Mizpah said. We all need to treat ourselves with the same gentleness and understanding that we treat each other. You have every right to your feelings, as conflicting as they may seem at times. I also think it is natural to crave connection to another person, we all had that once so wanting it again makes sense, not as a "fix" but as an enhancement to our complicated lives. Something I am working on with myself that struck me with your post is learning to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination. Easier said than done but the future can be daunting and full of so many unknowns. This and the temptation to compare ourselves to others. For you it's fellow wids here, for me it's other mom's on damn FB with their perfect lives and perfect kids. I know that it's mostly illusion but I often fall into the trap of feeling less than. You belong here, nothing is wrong with you.

kjs I am so sorry your family is not supportive and that they seem to not trust your judgement. I am engaged and have some practical matters to get in order that my fiancé is completely on board with. There are lawyers and financial consultants to advise on these matters so they become a non issue. What your siblings don't seem to understand is that for some of us life is better when shared with a partner we love. I went through weighing all of the pros and cons, the disparity in our financial situation, him having younger kids which means I will be that much older before I have the freedom to travel or move. But for me, the pros were so much more important. We love each other, we support each other, he brings joy to my life, we are each other's "in case of emergency", he sets mouse traps and fixes things around the house, he holds me when I have a bad day, he is the one person I can be completely honest with. After losing DH I realized that life is for living, now, today. We can't count on tomorrow, so while I still think we have to be practical and plan and protect for the future, I don't want it to prevent me from being happy today. My sister and a few others have not been overly supportive of my plans to remarry though no one as outspoken as your siblings. It hurts and I wish they could be happy for me but it's my life, not theirs. Do not let their opinions make you second yourself or cause you any guilty feelings.

This weekend fiancé and I were away planning our wedding which will be in September. It was a wonderful weekend and I'm so happy we decided to have it in a beautiful place with just our immediate families. It was nice to get away for 2 days without the kids and remove ourselves from some of the recent stress of blending (we have been living together since we got engaged in November). Now today would have been my 24th anniversary with DH. It's such a strange place to be, looking forward and being happy about my future at the same time as I look back with sadness over what was lost. I will be exactly twice the age I was on my first wedding day when I get married for the second time. I didn't plan anything special today to remember our anniversary but that's where I'm finding my thoughts today.

My craziness is not on the same level as yours Sugarbell but our latest is a text from his ex of a picture of the fruit we put in his kids lunch boxes after he tried to discuss with her that donuts and potato chips as the only food offered all all day is not a great choice. They eat fruit happily at our house all of the time and pick which fruit I put in their lunch boxes. When he asked her what the point of her texting a picture of the fruit was she replied "go back to your beer, vodka and pills and have a nice weekend". To clarify, fiancé may enjoy a drink here and there but no pills and no problems with alcohol and what does that have to do with feeding the kids fruit?

Gem, no apologies for needing to spout off, this is the place to do that. It took me me a while to stop reacting so negatively to people's suggestions of what I should do. It can feel like you are being criticized or told you shouldn't be grieving the way you are or that you should stop feeling devastated when you aren't ready to. I had to learn that wanting to work on my grief didn't mean I was betraying my love for DH and that he would never want his legacy to be that his death destroyed me.

Definitely big steps! I'm sure these transitions are very bittersweet as you look forward you can't help but reflect back. I hope your job search goes well and that you can see in yourself what all of us do, you are a survivor!

Gem I am so sorry to hear you lost your mom and your husband so close together, that is a tremendous amount of grief all at once. Your sister is probably well meaning and worried about you, it's hard for people who love us to witness our pain and feel helpless to ease it. In my early months I resented everyone's suggestions about how I should "fix" my grief because I really needed time to just feel it and live with the pain. That being said I started seeing a therapist as soon as my husband was undeniably terminal. She did not try to fix me, she gave me a safe space to express my grief, my anger, my fears about the future and whatever else was the emotion of the moment. I had witnessed a very close friend turn to self destructive behaviors after her husband died and I asked this therapist to just help me in my grief journey to not follow in her path. She helped me with strategies to deal with my children, family members, friends and work. If nothing else, it was one hour a week that was all about me, no judgement and no pity. Coming here was also therapeutic for me, it gave me an outlet to express my grief, people who understood and reading posts from those further out I was able to find so threads of hope to grab onto.

Candice, I am also a pleaser, although less so as I've gotten older, so I can relate to your post and your tendacy to second guess your role in bf's choices. But please listen and believe this one thing, you are never responsible for the choices of another person! Do not question his love for you, he loved you in the best way he could within the limitations of his addiction. You are now forced to make some choices for yourself and I hope you choose to work on yourself, find your own purpose and your own joy so that if you choose to find another partner in the future, it will be someone who enriches your already full life. Try new things, bring back old passions you let slip away, accept opportunities that present themselves and remember that YOU are worth the effort.

I would immediately set in place custody for children, an executor and who you want to be your health proxy. I think this is a gift we can give to those we leave behind so in they are not left with logistical nightmares on top of grief.

People in my real life either didn't understand or I didn't want to burden them/worry them with the full extent of my grief. I needed people who understood and didn't judge me. I needed to hear I was not crazy! I could always find someone here who was having a similar experience and I gained hope and advice from those further along in their journey. This has always been my safe place to let my guard down and admit that I was struggling, hurting, feeling angry. To me it has had the benefits of journaling, therapy, support group and friendship. I found that reading and responding to other people's posts I could be be compassionate to them which was something I was having trouble being with myself. I learned to change my negative self talk and to be more patient with myself. As I approach 4 years out I still come here most days, I need support less often than I did early on but I want to give back as so many before me did for me. On days when I feel like I am still such a mess it also helps for me to read posts from those of you earlier out so I can remember how far I have come.

So difficult ex issues aside, had a beautiful step mom moment today when 6 year old came home from school and gave me a hand written Mother's Day card saying "I love you because you take me on hikes". I am so grateful these 2 little boys have been so happy and well adjusted with our engagement and moving in together. My 13 year old has also adjusted really well and we had great weekend with finances family and he was part of the "cousins" picture. I am going to work on focusing on these big positives because life is short and family is precious.

Cocoon mode sounds like the right thing, ughhh! Sending you hugs.

Hi DragonTears, glad to see you checking in but sorry to hear that life is not treating you better. We care if you chose to share.

I had to learn that "being strong" means many things. Asking for and accepting help, taking care of yourself, acknowledging that you are not super human are all signs of strength. You have been dealt an impossible amount of grief and you are still standing, that is strength. When the negative self talk starts, try to think what you would say to a best friend in your shoes. Have compassion for yourself and let people help you, give voice to how overwhelming this is, here, with anyone in your life you feel safe with, with a counselor, in a support group. With our kids we mostly have to fake it until we actually feel stronger but if there are times when emotions overcome you in front of your son, that's ok. Sending you and your son virtual hugs.

8 months after he died was our 21st wedding anniversary. I had tried removing our rings on and off for a few months (I had added his band to my band and engagement ring right after he died). After 21 years of never removing my rings I found that kept reaching to the empty finger to twirl what wasn't there. So on that first anniversary without him I bought myself a new ring to symbolize my new life. I hope you find what works for you, brings you comfort, and makes you feel true to yourself.

I'm am so happy to hear you are in a good place and love that the things you have found helpful encompass the mind, body and spirit. I know your journey has not been easy but I have always admired how intentional you have been in learning how to survive and then thrive despite your grief.

How about a simple text saying something like "trust and openness are such an important part of any relationship, I'm so glad I have found that with you".

I'm listening and sending hugs, condolences, and whatever else I can from afar.

Will it make us seem cooler if we call ourselves polyamorous? 😂. Can't say I understand the younger generation's attitude on relationships. My middle son (19) is a serial monogamist like his mom while oldest (21) doesn't seem to have an interest in being in a relationship, but he's young still. Not committing sounds more lonely to me than being alone.

I am someone who started dating early, around 6 months, a man I had know 25 years earlier and reconnected with. We were both broken, a recent ugly divorce for him and me in the throws of grief. While it has worked out for me, we are engaged and living together 3 years later, it was not easy and probably not wise to be in a relationship when I had so much healing to do. My marriage had lacked intimacy for many years and for me having an emotional and physical connection was not just a balm for my grief but for the many years I had been missing that in my marriage. In many ways he was my rock and my biggest support during my grief journey from 6 months out but it was very complicated. We have both said that we wish we hadn't found each other again for another year when we both would have been in a better place so we could've avoided some of the drama. No one can tell you what is right or wrong in your situation but I think you are hearing everyone advise you to be cautious. Cautious with your own feelings but also with his. I suggest being as open and honest as you can be with him. Tell him you are feeling confused about your feelings, that you value his friendship and support but can't trust yourself to know if your feelings go beyond friendship because of your grief. It sounds like you really need his friendship right now so it may be best to not complicate things right now. If there really is more there, it will still be there when you have had more time to heal. My heart goes out to you and your children, this community has been my lifeline and I hoo every you find the same support here.

Night time was always the hardest for me too, being quiet and alone with my thoughts was a scary place. Have you thought about counseling? You are dealing with the traumatic nature of his death on top of your grief and there are techniques you can learn to deal with those memories when they invade your thoughts. My heart goes out to you.