Trying

Nonesuch I am so very sorry, hugs and prayers for both of you. Fucking cancer doesn't care who it destroys.

Maddalena, I still have dreams about DH where he has been alive all of this time and he won't explain where he has been and why he let me think he was dead. He wants to just pick up where we left off and I feel awful because so much has changed and I'm engaged and fiancé is just patiently waiting to see if he needs to move out. Those dreams are always upsetting and I don't really know why I still have them either.

Wow, I can see why that would be triggering, sending you big virtual hugs! Your neighbor was very lucky to have you there remaining in control under pressure. It's only natural that your feelings of empathy are leaving you drained and flashing back on your own loss. Be kind to yourself, I hope you are feeling more grounded as time passes.

Captains Wife I have always admired your active choice to be positive and have tried with varying success to live that way too. Early on it was more "fake it until you feel it" and a very active choice to make positive changes and appreciate the good things in my life. Anger and self pity got in the way initially but I do think over time it became easier. I am also tired of being a widow. I know it will always be a part of me but I don't want it to be my identity any more. I'm tired of my kids being the ones without a Dad. I'm tired of explaining to people I am widowed not divorced. I'm tired of people judging me based on their bias of how a widow should be living her life. I'm tired of all of my stories being divided into "before" and "after". As much as I want to live in the present, my past is and always will be a very big part of me. I have less structured busy time for the first time since Tim died because I have started my own business and it still a little slow. I think this down time is a big part of my problem, too much time in my own head and too much room to procrastinate getting things done. I guess I need to acknowledge that grief is still very much a part of me.

When there are kids involved you definitely have a different level of responsibility when dealing with a crazy ex. It sounds like you are very sensitive to the impact on NGs daughter and letting that guide you instead of your own ego is the way to go. Its too bad she doesn't realize the same thing and put her daughter first.

arneal, I have trouble asking anyone for help and in the early months (year?) of my post widow relationship it was very difficult for me to ask him for help. It bothered him that I didn't ask since I easily offered help to him. I realized it made him feel good to help me and slowly started asking and accepting his offers. Now we are engaged and living together and are much more of a partnership but it was definitely a process for me to get to this point. My advice would be to just ask, if he is unavailable you know you are capable of taking care of yourself. Everyone likes to be needed!

I think I must be in denial about the ways grief is still affecting me. Yes, I have 30 pounds to lose and no motivation to do so even though I'm getting married in September. Yes I have let go of many friendships. Yes I have too much anxiety to go to church because in that first year people would whisper and point at me and the kids. Yes I still have days a few times a month that I don't want to leave the house. But I tend to focus on all of the things I have accomplished, selling our home and buying a new house, going back to school, opening my own business, overseeing renovations on new home, getting engaged. It looks to,the outside world that I have my shit together. Only fiancé and my kids see the problem areas because I don't let anyone else in close enough.

I have been seeing a new therapist trying to tackle some issues I'm having regarding motivation, anxiety, and insomnia. We hadn't been focusing on grief because I thought I had worked through it pretty well on my own and with the time I spent with my previous therapist. Sure I still miss Tim and some times I get sad but I have worked hard to move forward with the cards I was dealt. Today he brought up grief and the waterworks started. Maybe it is because my birthday was yesterday and I dreamed about him last night that my emotions were on the surface. My fiance arranged for me to have dinner alone with my 3 sons last night for my birthday which was the first time the 4 of us have had a meal alone in a long time. I don't know. He suggested that in my efforts to keep moving forward I may have avoided dealing with my grief. He also suggested an antidepressant which surprised me. It's not that I thought I was done with grief or that I ever really would be but he really touched a nerve today and I've been weepy ever since. I don't want to examine those painful feelings again but do I have to "go there" to deal with these other issues? For those of you further out (I am at 3 1/2 years) do you feel like you still have to actively address your grief?

Unfortunately I think I have given up more by way of social activities and hobbies than starting new ones. What I have done is move to a new home and renovate it, went back to school and opened my own business. This has been time and energy consuming and positive in so many ways. I miss my book club which has disbanded but it took me over a year before I could get back to reading. I have let my fitness really tank and need to make this a priority because many of the things I love to do require me to be in better shape than I currently am. I have been doing more hiking lately and we are getting close to kayak and paddle board season here in New England which my new home has allowed me to really enjoy. I also love to water ski but i really need to drop some weight because I am going to be 48 and it's not as easy as it used to be to get out of the water! I really want to get more into yoga and need to get over being self conscious about being a beginner. Social anxiety has interfered too much in my life since Tim died and has caused me to isolate myself.

I would just caution you with your expectations about him being out of the house when he graduates high school. I have an 18 year old and a 20 year old. The 20 year old is only out of the house because I forced him out after some bad behavior. Forcing him out was the best for everyone but was also one of the hardest things I've had to do and took me a while. He is the only one of his peers on his own. Even the ones away at college are home for a month at Christmas and over 3 months in the summer. That's a good chunk of the year.

I can see where this must be incredibly painful for you, when we lose our spouse we also lose the future we had planned. I'm sure your inlaws do not realize how the constant baby focus makes you feel. For them, the baby must be a welcome distraction and a focus of hope and happiness in the middle of their own grief. New babies can be all encompassing under the best of circumstances for grandparents especially. Maybe the time is coming for you to be on your own so you can grieve and begin the healing process in the way that's best for you so you can maintain the close relationship with your inlaws and not start to resent them. In the meantime go ahead and vent here as much as you need to.

CFL and Simi I want to say "both in the same day" to each of you! City life or country life?

Family dynamics can be so challenging. I think it's ok to share only what you are comfortable with and on your own time frame. Some people like to put everything out there for the world to know and then there are people like me who are more private. There is no right or wrong in my opinion. I tend to wait to share things until Imam sure that I won't be effected by the reaction of others. Whatever you do I hope you feel confident enough regardless of the level of support and acceptance you get from your family.

With widowhood that is that extra layer of blending that happens, there is his family, my family and late husband's family. We had Easter at our house with all 5 of our combined kids, my mom, and late husband's whole family. Fiancé was so great with all of it. He helped with prep, making drinks and being host and clean up. He may have had a little too much to drink to make the weirdness easier but I often have too much to drink when dealing with some of LH's family! I am so grateful that he is accepting of this extra layer of blending because I can see where it could be difficult and we had some rough times early on with some family members accepting me dating.

I am remarrying so this has come up for me as well. My first husband, Catholic, was cremated and remains are buried in a cemetery with a headstone that has a place to add my name. I will have half of my ashes buried with him so our children can visit us both if they so wish. The other half will be up to my second husband if I die before him. I have told him that I would want him to do whatever feels right for him, I will be gone so it doesn't matter to me if he wants a plot, wants to scatter them at Block Island where we are getting married or keep them in a drawer. If he dies before me I want my remains to be wherever he is. It is a touchy subject and many people have very specific religious, cultural or personal opinions about what is right. I know that you said you don't want any advice but I feel that your children are an important consideration in addition to needing to be considerate of your current wife's feelings. Hopefully you will come up with a plan that will work for everyone and then get your wishes in writing. I think it makes things easier on those left behind if we are clear in our wishes so that no one left behind takes the blame if someone doesn't like it. Perhaps your current wife is a bit insecure or maybe she only comes across that way in the way you relate your story, I will not judge her based on so little information. However I don't think many people would be comfortable with having a first wife buried in between them and their husband. You would think the cemetery would have known to make the arrangements differently so she wouldn't be in the middle.

Tybec, its that kind of selfishness that I just don't understand. Grown ups should be able to push aside their own egos and agendas and do what is best for the kids. None of these children asked for the divorce yet they pay a heavy price.

So great to hear from you and to know that life is treating you well!

I'm glad to hear your trip is going so well, bittersweet I am sure.

Mizpah, what an awful situation. Having never been divorced myself it's hard for me to imagine letting my own ego and hurt get in the way of what is right for my kids but you hear it happening way too often. Our lastest was an email from ex stating that after the school year ends she doesn't want them staying with us during the week and wants him to pay for the before school program so she can drop them off at 6:45 am before work (they are 6 &7) instead of getting on the bus here at 8:30 the 2 days she works. Her latest reasoning "it's nothing personal, I just love being a mom". Well, too bad, it's supposed to be 50-50 custody, he loves being a Dad and they love (and need) their time with him! I have a feeling he will be heading to court before long too.

I have been through 2 senior years with proms, graduation and all the senior hoopla since DH died 3 1/2 years ago. Very bittersweet and at times harder than I expected and other times easier than I expected. I love the party ideas! Keep things fun and celebrate the amazing daughter you and DH raised.

I'm so sorry you, and your kids, are going through this. I have no great advice but I think counseling for you and the kids would be a place to start. I would imagine that any contact between ex and your son would naturally dwindle as ex moves on so maybe you can just let it run its course. As Captains wife said, make sure you are taking care of yourself dealing with the break up.

My DH was a financial advisor and when we knew he was terminal he insisted on having a meeting with our attorney, redoing our wills and making sure everything was in place so I wouldn't have to redo mine after he died. It was an awful thing to sit through with him at the time but it was important for him to be in control and to take that burden off of me. I appreciated it in the months following when I had so much else to take care of. Now I am engaged and I need to make an appointment with the lawyer and change things again. I've been procrastinating but I need to do it. I understand that this is the last thing you want to deal with but it really is important. We all know that the unthinkable does sometimes happen and when we have kids unfortunately need to have a plan. Maybe you could ask your mom to come with you when you meet the lawyer to be your support, if she is someone who you feel is a positive support. Dealing with this stuff just plain sucks!

Fuck anxiety and conflict and the people that create stress for no fucking reason!!!!!!

I am very sorry for your loss and can't even imagine what it is like to return to school so soon, before you even have the funeral. Of course you can't concentrate, hopefully your professors will cut you some slack and allow you some extensions. In these early days and weeks looking forward more than a few hours may be too difficult so just focus on the immediate tasks. Sleeping, eating, showering, drinking water and accepting any help that is offered should be your focus. After the funeral is over and friends and family go back to their own lives you will have no choice but to cope with the bigger things. Tight hugs to you and your children as you face the viewing and funeral. We will be here to support you.

There is definitely the fear of it happening again. Fiancé recently was having some issues and had a colonoscopy at the same place DH had so many and where he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. My anxiety was through the roof. But for me too, the benefits of being in a loving relationship outweighs the risk of another loss.