Trying

I check widowed because that is what I am, and I don't like when it's not an option. I still go by Mrs. because my last name is DH's lastname. Very early on my mom (who is also a widow) sent me a card addressed to Ms. This led to a big discussion between us. She prefers Ms. and for me it feels like a punch in the stomach. In September I will become "married" again and "Mrs." will be easy but the last name will be more difficult. I'm having trouble thinking about giving up my children's last name even though I will proudly take on finance's last name.

I think it is early to make such a big decision if you don't absolutely have to. Even a few months more may give you some clarity on your priorities and needs. If your sons school is the big issue then I can see you wanting to be settled before the start of the next school year. Make sure that whatever you decide to do take care that it's your decision and not someone talking you into what they think is best. In the first year I was very vulnerable to other (well meaning) people's opinions of what I should or shouldn't do.

He's not yet 50 and it was not entirely routine so that added to both of our anxiety. We continue to talk about it. The thing that gets me is he went through a big surgery and extended rehab when he was first separated and really hated that he was alone through it all. He told me what a horrible patient he was then but I thought it was because he didn't have a loving caregiver, like me, by his side. He has been very apologetic and I'm trying to let it go.

Thanks everyone. He apologized today for being such an ass and admits he is an awful patient but still seems to think I should just let it roll of because I know it's not about me personally. That's never going to happen! I told him I'm concerned about what would happen if he was ever really sick, I don't think he really gets it. So I'm glad he apologized but I don't think I can expect any change in the event of future medical events.

I wish I knew why. The rational me knows that it has nothing to do with me, it's his issue. However the emotional me is hurt and concerned that I can't be a comfort to him like I have been for so many people in my life.

Thanks for understanding. It really was a crappy day. I have always been a natural caregiver but for some reason everything I said or did in the past 2 days has annoyed fiancé to point he really isn't speaking to me. The way I walked, talked, sat, didn't talk, any offers of comfort were wrong. I know he is a terrible patient but not being able to help him and feeling like I made the whole experience worse has really upset me. All I can think is that if he ever gets sick like DH I don't know what we will do. It was hard enough to go through that with someone who appreciated me and who I felt I was providing comfort to.

I'm sitting in the waiting room while fiancé has a colonoscopy, same waiting room I sat in every year when DH had his annual colonoscopy and where he had multiple procedures when he was dying from cancer. Different doctor but from the same practice and I saw DH's doctor's name on the board for who is here today. I'm fighting a major panic attack as the memories are flooding in. It doesn't help that fiancé is a horrible patient and has been snapping at me since he started his "prep" yesterday. I've worked hard to keep my anxiety from him but now that they took him I'm about to fall apart. This really sucks!

Just my opinion but maybe a tradition to celebrate DH's birthday instead of marking the anniversary of the day he died would be a more positive thing. Since your son will have no memories of him you may feel more like sharing memories on a date that holds more positive memories for you. There is no right or wrong, you need to do what feels right to you and not feel pressure from those around you.

Congratulations Maureen! The circumstances under which you have achieved this makes it that much more impressive. I hope this brings you exciting new opportunities and a renewed sense of purpose.

I just wanted to add that I think it says something about you that are able to recognize you are being unfair. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you are not capable of having a healthy relationship again, grief is a bitch! You owe it to yourself to work through this and this woman deserves to be with someone who is all in. Whether or not you can work through this while still dating her is something only the two of you can decide. I wish you all the best.

I think while it may be normal to compare some things occasionally, it is certainly not fair to be angry with her for the differences between them. I agree that maybe some counseling would help you to process these feelings. It's ok if you are not ready to be in a relationship but not ok to treat this woman unfairly. I hope you are able to work through these feelings now so when the next wonderful woman crosses your path you can appreciate her for her own unique qualities and enjoy all that comes with a healthy loving relationship. A little background for you about me, I started a serious relationship in what was probably way too early in my grief journey. I continued to work on my grief while building our relationship. While this created some challenges for us in different ways I found that from the beginning I appreciated him and felt an overwhelming need to tell him all of the things I love about him. We are now engaged.

So happy for you, congratulations!

My fiancé moved in with my kids and I this past fall, we have his much younger kids here part time. I sold the house DH and I shared over a year before fiancé moved in so the physical home is new. The biggest issue for us is that my kids are older, (20,18,12) and his are little (6&7). My older 2 have suffered in a lot of negative ways since their dad died and I have enabled some bad behavior because I feel so sorry for their pain. I can't comprehend not parenting cooperatively becuse I was never divorced. We try to understand and support each other but our experience is very different. Definitely the early part of our relationship was harder on him, people's opinions and comparisons, my grief, and the biggest part was my kids. I sold the old house for my own reasons but it definitely was a benefit to,our relationship. Now I think his ex has as much of a daily impact on our lives as me being a widow. We support each other, we argue with each other, we each have our struggles.

While dating I never changed my FB status. The first picture we posted of the 2 of us was very talked about and planned after all of the important people in my life knew I was in a serious relationship. I'm not one to put many (or barely any) pictures of myself on FB so there haven't been many of us as a couple. I did an announcement post when we got engaged and then finally changed my status. The whole BF/GF title thing in our 40s was very weird to me but I'm comfortable with fiancé. He would laugh at me whenever I introduced him before because I would stammer and then just use his name or not even introduce him because I'm socially awkward to begin with.

Blending is hard enough when both adults are on the same page. I'm sorry that things didn't work out better but it seems you made the right decision for you and your son. I'm sure this isn't easy.

First off I am very sorry for your recent loss and the long term illness your wife suffered. your feelings for this woman may or may not be real. She may be a distraction from the pain of your grief. You may have begun grieving the loss of your wife long before her death because of the length of her illness. You are probably craving physical connection and the need to feel alive. it probably is too soon for you to act on these feelings without great risk of guilt on either of your parts and a high probability of losing her as a friend. If she is someone worth being with than she is worth the wait until you are sure you would not be using her as an avoidance of your grief. I don't think it's all that uncommon to experience this and I wouldn't be hard on yourself for having these thoughts. This is a time to be kind to yourself and give yourself the space to grieve and to cope in any safe way that helps you. There is no rule book.

Nicki feel free to reach out as you approach the anniversary of his diagnosis. My DH was diagnosed May 15,2013 and his first day of chemo was May 22nd, witch was our 20th anniversary. I found that people around me didn't anticipate that being a hard time and I probably should've shared it with those closest to me so I could have more support. Maybe you can plan some self care and pampering around that time. If you have a therapist schedule extra appointments or plan on getting a massage or something else that comforts you. I don't think we can avoid the pain, the best we can do is set up support and whatever we need to help us get through it.

Nicky I am so sorry for all the suffering your husband went through and the suffering you have experienced from witnessing it. My husband died only 4 months after he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and suffered so much in that time. I'm not sure when I was able to stop focusing on those 4 months instead of the 25 years we shared but it was definitely after the first year. Some of it is just the healing nature of time and some of it is retraining your thinking. It takes work to replace those horrid memories with better ones. For me it's that time of year from diagnosis to death that really gets me reliving things and I have to work at replacing those thoughts with memories of those months in all of the years that came before. The only other thing I can say is that I needed to release the guilt I felt for what he went through. Not that it was my fault, I was a good and loving caregiver in horrible circumstances. The guilt didn't make any sense and I can't really articulate it now but for a long time I felt I owed it to him to remember. Rationally this makes no sense but often the grieving mind doesn't. Gentle hugs to you as you find your way through this.

Big hugs Tybec. Those milestones have a way of bringing me to my knees too.

Right before sons # 2 & 3 and I were going to go out to dinner to celebrate Tim's birthday son #2 (18) long time girlfriend decided to break up with him over the phone. Needless to say we didn't go any where and he is a wreck. I tend to have some sort of sense that something bad is coming which I think explains why I was having such an emotional day. The only positive I can find in this is that he asked to see a therapist, something he strongly refused to do for 3 1/2 years. She is a great girl with a good head on her shoulders so I don't doubt she had her reasons for the break up but the timing really couldn't have been worse. I miss the days when you could just kiss the boo boos away.

Tim would have been 49 today. I'm having an especially hard time today for some reason. I don't cry very often any more but today I started at 4:00 am and haven't been able to stop, I forgot how exhausting it is to cry like this. As I sit here typing this there is a cardinal outside my window, I've been asking him for a sign all morning and he still comes through for me. I can't help but think how much has changed since the last time he celebrated a birthday, we were still 3 months away from his cancer diagnosis and having cake during a blizzard. We were blissfully ignorant of what was to come and didn't know we should be celebrating with more intention.

Sending you hugs and praying for good news today.

I agree with MrsDan, I never would have thought it was possible before it happened to me. I even fought it, tried sabotaging my new relationship a few times because I didn't think it was right to be feeling what I was feeling. I have settled into acceptance that the heart has a great capacity to make room for new love without replacing past love. I am a spiritual person but I don't really worry about what will happen in the afterlife. God gave me the capacity to love more than one so I trust He has a plan for how that works out in the end. I know I function better and am happier being in a partnership, being loved and loving someone else. I think the questions you have are natural and my experience has been that it is not easy to reconcile the feelings of grief with the hope that new love brings. In my case, finding someone who could be patient and understanding with the challenges of dating a widow like me made me all the more sure he was the right guy.

What a sad situation for your bf's kids. I'm sure that part of his son's reaction is that it hurts to see someone being "mothered" in a loving way that he was not. It's easier to say you are doing it wrong than face how wrong she's was. I wouldn't argue about it, just kindly state that it's ok to have different parenting style. I agree with momtokam about parenting style being a big part in a relationship and unfortunately messy situations with an ex, especially one who uses the kids as pawns, can make for difficulties in a new relationship.

So our dog has always been extremely attached to me, wouldn't go downstairs in the morning unless I went down too, wouldn't go up to bed without me (he sleeps in his bed on my bedroom floor), wouldn't eat unless I was in the kitchen. You get the idea. I was always his #1 and DH and the kids were not even a close second. Now enter fiancé and I have been tossed to the curb! Ok, I am a close second but fiancé is clearly #1. The dog literally jumps up and hugs him when he comes home and is attached to him at the hip. Who knew an 8 year old dog could change his allegiance so easily?! Honestly it makes me love fiancé that much more, nothing sexier than a guy who loves kids and dogs😉